Search Results for: "yaoi"

Huge MM Giveaway and Mindless Rambling 🌲🎁💀

Hey babes!

My mind is a whirl of awesome lately. Finding my happy, finding my fun. The three H’s; waking up happy, healthy and horny. XD What more can a girl ask for? …hairy? Could that be an awesome fourth? Humble? Nah, never that. XD How about hoarding? Aka a signed copy of Demon Arms plus another 22 books? (Yeah, weirdest segue ever. You’re welcome.)

Jex Lane, writer of the Beautiful Monsters series is having a giveaway. Sign up and enter to win a whole lot of sexy in paperback form.

The end of the year is fast approaching and it has me thinking about how I want to spend my days. I’m not sick anymore, feel amazing—think my thyroid kicked on and I’m finally out of starvation mode. Lentils are delicious, btw. Fuck, I missed eating. I spent years running from life, running from PTSD, running from my perspective of everyday shit while trying to reach something that would make it all better. I’m already there. Life is fucking good, and now it’s just a matter of living it.

I think I want to start making sexy yaoi art again. It’s been so long, I don’t know if I’ll be any good, but I’m sure it will be fun to try. Book covers have to be pretty tame to keep from being banned from certain platforms. But since I’m going all in with the adult side of Patreon, maybe I’ll start doing art to add to the fun of things. Hardcore, drippy fun. XD

Goal is to have all the Demon Bonded stories moved by this weekend and Apprentice Saga available for sale again. Hellcat has reached a level of monster demon cock I was hoping for (woot!) but still requires a few more scene rewrites before it’ll be ready. I hope I’ll make it for Christmas. Oh, and I posted some new Harry Potter fanfic wips on the site under free this month if you missed that. And… is that it?

Hmmm… I think it’s rambling time about perceptions of reality and the insanity of censorship

Stumbled across this vid last night and I love his voice. XD It’s nice to know there is still a culture pushing back against censorship, even as the world tries to demand that ideas are the same as actions and should be policed. Anime/manga is where I got my roots in art and story telling. The genre isn’t considered mainstream when it comes to book covers but most of my story plots are inspired by the push and pull of the wonderfully dirty comics I grew up on. Comics that have been used to fine and convict normal, everyday people and put them in jail in countries including America.

There’s this thing about the human mind where you hear the same story again and again and you start to believe it can only ever be that way—like a love story where true love only looks a certain way. My mom raised me to expect to be married by college—but I wasn’t allowed to date before then, and I was a girl, so I probably wasn’t going to college anyways even though I was mad smart. I’m in my 30’s—this wasn’t some ancient time long ago—but her beliefs reflected her childhood culture and she put that on me, repeating the story she lived (or maybe just heard) into a new era. This is the danger of rigid brains.

I think it’s why I’m so wary of tradition. It reminds me of that amazing poem about walls by Frost, and I think of the era in Europe when people were starving to death because all the nobility walled their land and no one could hunt, no one could travel because of the neurotic fucks who needed walls for some idea of order and ownership. Their beliefs that walls were important blinded them to how they literally killed people.

Humans are really good at creating systems that hurt themselves, and it starts in simple irrational beliefs in their mind that they react to. The belief that a thought, that an image, that a bunch of words could have the power to harm someone is the driving force behind censorship. Well, that and the need to be responsible for other people’s pain and protect them from feeling uncomfortable. It’s the root cause as to why people can be bullied on the Internet—they let their perceptions and emotions decide that words actually hurt them. The reality is, words cannot hurt you. You allow words to hurt you. If you didn’t hear those words, or see those words, they couldn’t have an effect even though they’re right there. If they’re in a different language, they mean nothing to you, just marks on a page or screen or noises in your ear. Your brain and how it perceives those words is where your pain comes from. But for those who let the pain grow, who believe those words, they can act irrationally, they can harm themselves, even kill themselves. They take an action in reaction to their emotional response.

Saying I’m sorry you feel that way, might seem like a total douche-bag thing, but it’s true. People hurt themselves. An action is an action. Pain, on the other hand, is the body and mind perceiving pain. We perceive the things that hurt us, whether someone else intended to hurt us or not. We still decide if it hurts, if it’s worth clinging to and making a big deal about and hunting witches down to make everyone pay.

It’s sad to see so much suffering, but how can the answer be to remove the words? The words didn’t do anything, the person did by believing the words. And do we try to help the people who are more apt to believe these words—words that are everywhere, that can be read, understood, never even directed at them but is still perceived as personal attacks? A relative of my bf was arguing with a recorded message (I wish I was joking) getting worked up because she thought there was a real person on the other line. She was yelling at nothing, at the perception in her head, while blaming a human being that didn’t even exist. She caused her own pain, but should we stop phone calls, just in case?

For some people, the very thought that they are doing this to themselves creates pain—because how the fuck can they accept that they are the ones hurting themselves when clearly someone else is attacking them? Someone must be to blame, someone must be punished because it hurts and they think their pain has value. But that’s humanity for you—that’s the root of PTSD, which is why this lesson is so powerful to me. I am well aware how my thoughts and perceptions of the world kept me trapped and unhappy. It is a choice to believe. PTSD is a mental system of anxiety and paranoia that feeds itself with its own thoughts, and the attempts to escape from those paranoid, negative thoughts are seen as death. Yet here I am, free, because I chose to stop believing.

When people believe that the representation of something is as real as what it’s representing—that a drawing is a person, that a doll is a person, that a company is a person—they react to an irrational belief. Not only do they react irrationally, but they take that irrational thought and project it into the future. We must act to stop an outcome that will definitely occur! If a drawing is a person, then people who see this drawing will go out and rape, or kill, or act insane because… fortune telling? It made them? They’re not responsible for their own actions?

The only madness occurring is in the mind of the person reacting to a thought as if it’s reality. A fleeting dream they insist happened, harmed them, and must be prevented. And yet, we have laws built around this insanity because someone believed a drawing is a person, that it is objectifying, degrading, harming a gender or a movement or a culture and to exist is to make people act. You know, the same way women shouldn’t be allowed to exist as sexual (showing off their ankles, or their legs, or their faces, or ass or tits—pick a culture and time period of what’s too sexual for a woman to exist) because someone will rape them for men have no power over their own dicks. The perpetrator of an actual act isn’t responsible, it’s the fault of something that existed as is, a woman without clothes or shame, that forced them to act.

People are very good at believing insane things and then clinging to value systems to justify it. Because what would happen if they relaxed and just let a drawing be a drawing? What would happen if they had to be responsible for their actions instead of blaming anything they can? Death. I think PTSD reigns in the minds of many, and I hope they find their way free. If they really want to.

There was this concept in the Matrix where when the aliens first put humans into the computer program, it was ideal, perfect, no conflict. But people died or didn’t flourish because they believed life required conflict. Shit was too nice so they were freaking out. It says it all about humanity—the need to hurt ourselves because we believe we need to. I know so many like this; I was this. So what if we believed we didn’t need to hurt all the fucking time and things could happen and not result in pain?

Here’s to a year free of insanity. I want to make some dirty art, a ton of super dirty books, and I want to live each day having fun no matter what my situation is—because it’s my choice to believe that my finances and circumstance define my happiness. They don’t. Money does not represent happiness, or freedom, or anything, it’s just money. It’s actually an amazing example of how far human insanity goes that we can find ways now to trade digital numbers for food and items and feel like it’s an equal value. If we all had six more zeroes at the end of our bank statement this month, everyone a millionaire, would the world stop and blow up in flames? If we could all afford to eat and live in houses, would some god come down to crush us all for daring to be happy? It’s just numbers on a screen that represents paper in a vault, that represents gold in another vault, that represents something of value because gold is… shiny? Why do we want gold? It’s time, but some people’s time is worth more than others? People are fucking insane so why buy in?

This year I say yes to happy, yes to fun, yes to not giving a fuck about all the many neurotic bullshit things my brain tries to make me believe is real. I say yes to questioning every system, every belief, and every boundary until breathing doesn’t feel like fifty stones weighed on my chest trying to keep me down.

Speaking of saying yes to better,

I redid the Hellcat cover to make it more dark and sexy. Sexy is better, pretty sure. *eyebrow waggle*

Vampire Finding Love

The Hunters have long made it their agenda to kill every last vampire.

Ronnie Perkins, fears for his life as he walks home alone. He tries to hide his fangs but still the Hunters spot him.

This is how it all ends.

But then, a solitary figure appears, swooping in and saving the day.

Claude Montgomery does not know why he put his neck on the line for Ronnie.

The two vampires are now on a crash course toward the rest of their lives. When the Hunters place a bounty on their heads, how will they escape?

 

Omega’s Teacher

Harry is a lonely omega who desperately wants an alpha and a family. He doesn’t want an alpha to control him but to be his life partner in every way. He’s a hardworking English teacher at the local high school who hears the ticking of his biological clock…and worries time is running out.

Alex is a Science teacher, an alpha new to the local high school. He’s not looking for an omega, he’d rather be a free spirit than settle down with a clingy omega.
Harry is shocked and furious, when the hot new teacher turns out to be the bully that made his life hell in middle school. After an explosive reunion, the principal realizes he’s got a problem on his hands, and comes up with a way to solve it.

They’ve got one weekend to learn how to get along…or someone is out of a job.

This is a 33,000 word story of male pregnancy with a HEA. This is book 3 in the Baby Makes Three series, but can be read as a stand-alone.

 

Midnight Lovers

The Man That’s Supposed To Protect Him… Is Also Becoming His Lover

Life changes drastically for escort Kato when one of his friends is brutally murdered.

Even more unexpectedly, the man in charge of investigating the case- the charismatic Inspector Dole – takes more than just a professional interest in him.

But before long, he himself is in fear for his life, from an unknown assassin, intent on killing men like him for his own dark purposes.

Will Inspector Dole be able to protect Kato from danger and solve the case before it is too late?

 

Enter To Win 10 Free MM Ebooks! Saturday Only!!!

Hey guys and gals and everything rainbowy in between,

I’ve got a question. How do you feel about women writing gay stories?

So there is an amazing giveaway going on. You’re just catching the end today so enter while you can here!  You can win My Broken Angel plus 9 other books in the mm angel genre. Yes, not just 1, a whole 10 books to the winner just like that.

Now on this page is a comment thing happening which, I gotta say, I felt physically ill reading some of the remarks. I think I might be a little sensitive, and for real, I don’t know if that’s a unique response. I have my sensitive, emotional moments—and no, I won’t make a derogatory remark about being a girl here. I’m a human who feels things strongly.

Does having a vagina invalidate my writing? Should I only be writing bisexual fiction from the viewpoint of a bisexual woman? Do I not get to be a part of the community I write for? Does every gay male who reads my work have a mental caveat of, well, a chick wrote it so yeah, I’ll read it but I won’t accept it?

It’s a difficult perspective, one I never really dwelt too deep into. I write because I love to write. I love to have characters who are flawed but find happy endings and I love that in the process, I’m helping to build up a community who doesn’t get represented equally. And to be honest, no one has brought this perspective to me personally. This is the first time I’ve seen this up close, and it was in watching this amazing women who has organized this giveaway have to defend her right to write gay fiction even though she’s a woman.

So, you peeps are readers of gay fiction. Does gay fiction only exist for gay males? To be clear, I already know the answer to this and it’s no. I write yaoi, which is defined as gay romance written for women, usually with exaggerations of certain dramatic effects and story lines and emotions. But should it? Is there something perverse and societally harmful about reading about the fictional sex lives of fictional males when you’re not a gay male? Are some messages only meant for some people? Are some stories supposed to be contained to certain sexualities and cultures because they represent those people and unless you’re an insider, you don’t get to be included?

I always thought sexual freedom was a universal truth we all needed to hear. Maybe I’m naive to think in the same way our fantasies represent internal struggles of being free from the pressures of society, so does a mm or ff and anything in between story do the same.

This isn’t to go all drama about this, btw. I want to hear where the pain is coming from. I want to know why some people feel this way. I can’t imagine someone can have such a strong opinion about this without pain from their own life. I know because whenever I bring up bi characters, you’ll notice plenty of bitterness brought on by my past.

Living On The Fence

Okay, So I pretty much ignore bisexual characters on television because they slut shame the fuck out of them. I never feel like they’re represented properly, except in the fact that the characters are never accepted in their own communities. There’s always one group who says they’re faking for attention and they really don’t like the opposite sex, and another group who says they’re lying and they’re really gay. This was my existence when in the gay scene, btw. Straight people were curious and awkward, gay people judged the fuck out of me, and apparently I was the only bisexual in existence. Ever. It got to a point that I refused to hang out with lesbians because I was sick of hearing the bullshit… and seriously, straight chicks, me being bi doesn’t automatically mean I want to fuck you. Get over yourself. O_o I never asked anyone’s opinion on my sexuality; nope that was just freely given because I existed and dared to be bi.

I was fine with me, but it’s never about the bisexual, it’s about those people who feel so upset bisexuals exist and aren’t conforming to what they think their sexuality should. It’s almost like every time these people see a bisexual they suddenly feel a twinge of their own sexual confusion and they immediately shout ‘this is how I dealt with it! Do that! Be gay! Be straight! Look a certain way so no one will be confused! Only talk to other bisexuals and fuck bisexuals so you won’t confuse me!’ These people (mostly women–I know girls, there are so many fucking messages to conform and fit in) didn’t understand that it’s just something you accept instead of try to change or define. You’re sexually attracted to people of both genders. It doesn’t mean all of them, or that there has to be some equal tally each time or that you think the ones you aren’t attracted to are somehow inferior. Just gender doesn’t mean much in the way of attraction. That’s it.

It is exhausting realizing something integral as your sexuality is some fucking hot button trigger for a bunch of strangers who can’t spend five minutes figuring out their own shit and instead mouth off at you. Just saying. But I understood it because I knew a lot of people in that scene were also putting so much energy in trying to figure out who they were, and pushing back at society to say ‘I’m allowed to be the way I am and this is the way I am.’ They didn’t realize that in their need to define themselves, they were trying to define me as well and being totally intolerant of my existence. Oh, it still sucked, but I could walk away and still be fine with me while they were unfortunately still struggling with how to define those who didn’t fit into their view.

It gets better, it does, but only with perspective and realizing it’s okay to not be exactly what you think you should be. Don’t think for a moment being attracted to the same gender will save you from being closed minded. It takes more than being born a certain way; it takes life experience. No one wants to be judged so why judge others? Why judge yourself? If you’re still talking shit about yourself, you’re still battling to be allowed to be you. It’s a hard way to live.

Anywho… giveaway and goodies! XD

Totally random, I’m going to start going through the website database and if you’ve only logged in once, contact you to see if you actually got your password. No, you are not alone with this problem. Given some of the recent comments, I have a feeling this website system is not as smooth as I would prefer. Keep waiting for the things that make life easier by working to actually work, but nope. That’s madness. XD Don’t be shy if you can’t find your password. I don’t bite.

Also, up to #53 in Sorcerer Slayer! Left you all with an assholic cliffhanger with Raider being stolen away so I can get to the free content posting for the weekend. Apologies (I’m totally not a sadist XD) Awakening is up to #15 and Intangible #11!

On Thin Ice

Nobody Would Of Expected This Ladies’ Man To Fall For Another Man

Matt Tucker had to claw his way to the top of the sports journalism industry. It isn’t for lack of talent, either. It’s purely because of his sexuality. When he’s assigned to write up a personal profile of Rangers up-and-comer Chris Knoll, he just hopes that the handsome hockey player won’t be one of those guys.

After all, there’s no use hoping that he’ll be interested in Matt. Is there?

Chris himself would have said there wasn’t… right up until the moment he started getting to know Matt. He’s never looked at a man like this before.

How can a man come to terms with his feelings in these circumstances – and what will it take to tell the truth

Saturday Only! 10 Free Book Giveaway!

 

demontheme

Hi, and welcome to Sadie Sins books. I’m Sadie, writer of shamelessly perverted, sometimes sweet, sometimes nasty, and always entertaining M/M erotic stories. What is M/M? Think man on man, aka gay, aka yaoi, aka twice the fun of one guy hero in a story. My erotic stories are a little different with a strong focus on character development, intriguing plots and immersive, sexy experiences. Some are quite dark. I repeat themes of bdsm, dubcon, straight to gay, first time, incest and breeding, to name a few.

Given the range, I have a rating system so you know what you’re getting into. X is about as vanilla as I get (which isn’t very,) XX goes into more controlling partners and questionable ethics, and XXX holds nothing back. Happy endings are a promise even if they’re teased with the occasional cliffhanger.

So, who are these stories for? Everyone. You don’t have to be a guy or girl, gay, straight, bi, trans, ace, employed, have your shit together— whatever. My stories don’t expect you to be anyone but you. ( I know, perfect lover material there. XD) Kindly leave your hangups at the door cuz these stories like to push boundaries of every kind. It’s far more fun that way. <3

Enjoy, babes ~Sadie Sins

SADIE’S BOOKS

Like what you see? With a paid membership you can read it all for just $10 a month. Become a fan and start saving.

"Sadie Sins is one of my favorite authors. Not only is she talented, but she is fearless... The emotional depth that she’s able to convey in even her short stories will blow you away."

Denise GremoryKohta reviewer for OptimuMM – Home of MM Book Reviews

READY TO SIN?

UNLIMITED ACCESS

In the Library is every M/M book ever written by Sadie Sins, and those under her other pen names including some M/F and urban fantasy. Content is updated with each new published story in easy to read online formats. Join for a month or a year; whenever you come back, all your favorites will still be here to read.

READ AS SADIE WRITES

Read your new favorite story here first. Getting a novel finished involves editors, cover design, and time spent. Members get exclusive chapter releases of Sadie Sins’s newest books as they’re written, day to day. Guaranteed updates at least four times a week.

EXCLUSIVE CONTENT

Stories and chapters that have never before been published (and probably won’t be in the future) will be available to members only. This includes some very naughty fan service of characters from Sadie Sins’s own series.

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Demon Arms Deleted Scene and Other Awesomeness 😈

Hey, beautifuls!

Alright, I’ve been particularly unavailable this week. Why? Because I’ve been going through the final edit of Demon Arms. Eric did a fantastic job editing the entire book, and in all my infinite neuroticism, I am mid-process of going through everything line for line. Not to check his work, but to make sure I have conveyed everything to the best of my ability.

Guys, I was really fucking sick last year. For four years my brain and body were inflamed from mold and Lyme. My brain keeps changing as it recovers from the mold toxicity. As I read through Demon Arms, aloud, I am changing it line for line. I’m still saying the same exact things, just coherently this time around. I did not realize just how fucking incoherent I was, but I have the text in front of me and… yeah. I remember a year ago going through this same exact process before I first published the book. I am not smarter than I was back then, my brain is just no inflamed.

My goal is to have this baby uploaded by May 1st, where I’m going to knock the price down to $0.99 for the month. At the rate I’m going, it’ll probably be closer to May 3rd… 5th… XD I truly didn’t realize I had written a draft instead of a finished book until now. I truly didn’t have the ability to perceive it before.

It’s been a week of new perspectives. Once I’m done with that, straight back to Sorcerer Slayer which is flying beautifully.

Okay, you know how I had mentioned doing a Demon Bonded manga a little while back? The idea has evolved into one of those storybook video games. *__* You know, interactive, choice and goal based, yaoi adult sexy fun. I’m not sure exactly how I want to approach it. Like, would I have Ky need to unlock Lovely, Feral, and Magnificent? Have him build their trust meter by giving them stuff or doing tasks and having sex with them, and then gaining powers from it so that he can then go defeat a bunch of enemies? Or do I just put it in the Demon Bonded world? I could have the player be a sorcerer apprentice who can choose to do either an ‘evil path’ or a righteous path, ’ and he has to find demons already hiding on Earth and win their trust by having sex with them. This is going to be some sort of harem thing, no matter what I come up with. XD

Yeah, I’m not sure yet, but I’m really excited about the possibilities. This is a project I probably won’t be able to give my full attention to for at least a year—I’ve got shit to get done—but once things start getting developed, I will be sure to inform you all.

Oh, on the mold front, btw. New doctor suggested we try Allergy Therapy. Basically, they’re going to pinpoint the exact mold types and then neutralize my body’s reactions to it so that I don’t have to worry about collapsing every time I walk into a moldy building. Starting mid-May and I’m super excited.

I want to thank all of you that showed up for that little Facebook meet and greet last week. It was super fun. I think that was set up by Optimumm Reviews cus their banner was there. (Oh, I’m still a fucking flake, mold or not.) It was a blast to talk to you all. I was a giggly mess during and after—good stuff.

Enjoy the gorgeous weather and the fun stuff below! Temuba #3—Damn it, I want time to read! @[email protected]


Demon Arms Deleted Scene


Rhinegold: The Temuba Stories #3 by Bazan Kay

Riley Geller and his brother, Alex, are monsters. When Riley’s flesh tears, it knits back together. When Alex is angry, he loses himself to the beast within. For a year, they have been kept apart by the whims of Temuba, a savage island where only the strong survive and the cruelest of them all reigns supreme. Alex thought that he was strong enough to take the throne. He was wrong.

Now, they are at the mercy of vicious warlord and his crazed pet. Riley is glad to have his brother back, but the fact remains that he does not trust Alex’s beast. Trapped together in this nightmare, Riley knows that he has nowhere to run and nowhere to hide — and the beast has begun to develop a taste for his blood.

This is Book 3 of The Temuba Stories.

Tying the Knot by Casey Cameron

An omega left at the altar.

It should’ve been a picture-perfect wedding. But when Fox Avery’s fiancée dumps him days before they walk down the aisle, his storybook future is knocked far off-course, along with both types of happy ending. Now he’s simply adrift–an omega without an alpha. Unmated and unwanted.

An alpha who never forgot.

Dustin’s only real regret in life is leaving behind his high school sweetheart to go to culinary school abroad. He always meant to come back and sweep Fox off his feet when he had more to offer, when he could provide for Fox the way he really deserved. But Fox moved on in his absence.

A star-crossed couple given a second chance.

Fox can’t deny he still cares for Dustin, but how can he give his heart to the man who broke it so many years ago? Dustin fears his past mistakes have created a rift too wide to cross. How can he convince Fox that he’s a changed man, and that he’ll take care of him the way an alpha should?

If the two men are going to build a future together, they need to settle their past first. But when the intensity of their time together sends Fox into an early heat, passion threatens to unmoor them both. Their bodies are definitely saying yes, but their hearts are saying…maybe?

Will the wounds of the past be too much to bear, or can Dustin and Fox find a way to come together and tie the knot?

Tying the Knot is a stand-alone non-shifter alpha/omega romance with a happily-ever-after ending and no cliffhangers. It features knotting, male pregnancy, and lots of (very long and detailed) steamy scenes.

Taken By Beasts by Sadie Sins

Free For April!

Taken By Beasts

Taken By Beasts

This collection contains five never before released, steamy paranormal stories of monsters and the innocent, handsome young men they call prey *cough* boyfriend, written by the mistress of dubcon, Sadie Sins. Inside you’ll find five unique storylines containing friends to lovers, straight to gay, mild BDSM, and even a few group, taboo moments. It has furry full moon transformations, haunted houses, Halloween parties, evil witches, horny sorcerers, sexy demons, a cat shifter in distress, the rare minotaur, a stalking vampire, and a pack of rude, trash talking werewolves that don’t take no for an answer. Not to mention, the promise of a happy, claw biting ending. This book will make you downright beg to be a victim.

Halloween has never been quite so naughty as when you’re Taken by Beasts.

18+ For explicit man on monster action, graphic language, breeding, growls, tears, and over 66,000 words of hot, sexy fun.
66,000+ wrds, Published October 28, 2016.
Heat level: XXX

WHAT READERS ARE SAYING ABOUT TAKEN BY BEASTS

on October 30, 2016
Incredibly awesome, hot and steamy. Multiple books but all were well written erotic shorts, guaranteed to get you a little wet in the pants
on June 17, 2017
This was a really sexually erotic series of stories that was full of the paranormal and very entertaining. Vampires, thralls, werewolves, magicians, shifters and mythical creatures..Menage’ is part of some of the stories and the sexual encounters are really hot. An excellent book. Would recommend it for anyone to read.
on June 1, 2017

I love this story collection. It has five wonderful stories, each one taking place on Halloween night. If I have to pick a favorite, it is the final story in the collection, a werewolf story that intrigued me and pulled me in from word one. I just loved the way the story unfolded, so perfectly through dark and shadow, the main character so haunted by howls and laughter in the woods. The writing in this one was some of the best I’ve seen by this author. (cont…)

READ AN EXCERPT FROM CHAPTER ONE

Sebastian stepped reluctantly down the dark street, hearing the sounds of happy children shrieking yards away as they rang doorbells and demanded candy. He would have driven to the store, but the roads were black and reflective from the cold rain that had been misting that evening and with all the kids milling around for Halloween, he was certain he’d end up running one of the idiots over. Totally by accident, no matter how annoying they were with their costumes and laughing and damn near happy ass lives.

He might be depressed. Not that he didn’t have good reason—He wasn’t one of those emo types that just hated life. Much.

Scowling, Sebastian kicked a wet maple leaf off of his sneaker, feeling the trickle of water get in through the hole in the sole. Perfect. Really perfect. His parents had sent him out to get more candy for the trick-or-treaters, but at this point, he was pretty sure they just wanted to get him out of the house so they wouldn’t have to watch him mope.

Gay. Claire Stevenson thought he was gay.

She hadn’t even been mean about it. She wasn’t the first person to call him gay but most people had done it while making fun of his sappy heart when it came to animals or the fact that he was short and thin and apparently that automatically made him girly. Whatever. He probably could have dismissed it if she had been bitchy and trying to make him feel like shit about himself. Not that the end result was much different. Because the girl he’d been dating for the last three months had just dumped him because she thought he was gay.

God, he hated his life.

You’re just, well, not that into me, Sebastian. It’s like you’re a best friend, not a boyfriend. I can’t make you want me the way I want you, and that’s really, well, terrible feeling to be with someone that doesn’t want me back.

No, she hadn’t been mean at all, but Claire had still managed to destroy him with one damn conversation. He had liked Claire forever. Sebastian couldn’t remember a time when he hadn’t had a crush on her. Sure, he wasn’t the most romantic of guys—He’d never say he got butterflies or anything, but that didn’t mean he was gay. Sebastian was just really low key. Boring, if he was feeling down about it. Yeah, he was kind of boring—But not gay. He just didn’t get overly excited about stuff even if he had been crushing on Claire for ages now.

When I kiss you, it’s like, I dunno, wow for me. Really crazy and intense feeling. But you… I don’t think you feel much of anything at all.

God damn it, how could you even measure something like that? How could she just know she felt more than he did? It wasn’t like he was trying to compare or reach some goal of epic makeout sessions. He’d been dreaming about Claire forever, and the moment he finally had a shot at her, he had wanted to take things slow. You know, build a foundation between them. Prove that they could be a long term thing. All of his previous girlfriends had been more like a week to week trial with a whole lot of empty space in between, but with Claire, Sebastian had wanted things to be different.

Well, in a way, they had been, hadn’t they? Instead of being dumped for being too weird or distant, Claire had decided he really just wanted dick. Right after they had been kissing, at that.

He didn’t think he was a bad kisser. He got self-conscious a lot, especially if anyone could be around and see him, but when he did kiss, he thought he was kissing with all his heart. How could she think he didn’t feel just as much for her as she did him? Who even got to say how much you were supposed to feel for someone for it to be officially enough? Hadn’t he like, talked to her every day on the phone and tried to see her every moment he could? Hadn’t he gone out of his way to keep his schedule open around his job and college and her classes to take her out whenever she wanted? How could he do so much and have her think he didn’t feel anything for her? What the fuck else was he supposed to feel?

Fuck, was he supposed to feel something else?

Sebastian growled, his left foot landing hard in an unseen puddle and sloshing up his jean leg, the material immediately soaked. “Fucker.” He hopped, but the damage had been done, his sneaker now squishing with every new step he took, the wet shoe slipping on soggy leaves and concrete alike.

It was an extremely irritating internal monolog, one that didn’t seem to have any answers forthcoming. Sebastian didn’t know if he was feeling enough—He didn’t even know what the fuck he was supposed to feel. He had trusted his feelings this far. Finally, with a girl Sebastian had thought to one day want to marry, she had told him he wasn’t feeling anything at all. And the truth of it was, Sebastian wasn’t fully confident he was feeling everything he was supposed to.

Movies would have him believe he needed to make grand romantic gestures and last-second dashes to airports to show how much he cared. Real life wasn’t like that. At least, his real life wasn’t like that. He wasn’t the type to go rent out an ice skating rink for a romantic date or send twelve dozen roses for the week of Valentine’s Day. He didn’t feel the need to write a book of poetry for how Claire looked in the morning light. He wasn’t the type to want to slice his wrists just because the girl he’d been crushing on had dumped him. For real, who the fuck did that? That wasn’t love; that was just a total chemical imbalance of insanity…

Right?

Running a hand through his damp, black bangs, Sebastian sighed weakly as the line of convenience stores came into view. The small strip mall was lit up in neon oranges, purples, and reds for the holiday, calling customers in from the clammy, wet night with the promise of shelter and heat. He quickened his pace, ignoring the slosh of his sneaker with each frozen step.

God, was he like an unfeeling, dead-hearted idiot and just didn’t know it? Should he be, like, thinking about jumping off a bridge or something because Claire was never going to be with him? Hadn’t he been planning a life with this girl? She was funny, smart, cute, and just all around perfect. Sebastian had friends that acted like if they were dumped, their life was ending. Was he seriously wondering if he was supposed to feel love an entirely different way?

And just who the fuck decided what you were supposed to feel anyways!

He really didn’t know, and the lack of answers was beyond frustrating. Because if he didn’t know, how the hell could he change it? Did he want to change it? Did he need to conform to some level of ‘feeling’ or be forced to accept that he was doomed to be alone for the rest of his life?

Would being alone be better when he wouldn’t be judging himself on how much he was failing to feel for someone he supposedly loved or damn near loved?

Being dumped by Claire didn’t have Sebastian wanting to kill himself, but trying to figure this particular problem out was definitely getting him thinking about a sturdy plastic bag with no air holes.

Jesus, fucking girls. Dictating how he was supposed to feel while in the same breath telling him he wasn’t doing it right. He had felt just as much for Claire as he was meant to feel, or was at least capable of feeling. It might not have been enough for her, but it had been to the best of his damn ability at the time. He sure as fuck hadn’t felt that much for a guy before. Just because he hadn’t lost it over Claire didn’t mean he was gay.

***

He left the warm lights of the convenience store behind him with two bags of candy and an impulsive—but decidedly needed—six-pack in hand. Sebastian’s mood only grew worse when he found the mist that had surrounded him on the walk to the store had turned into a light drizzle that was quickly threatening to grow into a miserable downpour. He hunched forward in his hoodie, the sweatshirt material doing little to protect him from the freezing water and chill wind of approaching winter.

He was full of dread at the idea of going home and having to face his parents’ well-meaning yet completely unhelpful comments as to why things hadn’t worked out with Claire. They kept pushing for him—none too subtly, at that—to move into a dorm or apartment with a group of students his own age. So he could be more sociable. As loathe as he was to have to surround himself with a bunch of loud peers while at the same time losing any ability to fill his savings account, he was starting to consider it if only to avoid the ever increasingly awkward conversations of why he was still single and just couldn’t find the right girl.

As he slipped on slick leaves in the dark, leaning sideways against the wind while standing on the sidewalk, Sebastion began to contemplate his parents’ parting words before he had left the house half an hour ago. Maybe they had been suggesting something else when saying he hadn’t met the ‘right girl’ yet. Maybe they were saying he shouldn’t be expecting to fall for a girl at all…

Did everyone think he was gay just because he’d been unlucky in love?

The sound of crunching tires hitting leaves behind him caught his attention. Sebastian immediately stepped as far from the street as the sidewalk would allow, his expression growing stormy when he heard a puddle splash and felt a fresh spray of water as the vehicle roared past.

“Asshole!” He growled, raising his hand holding the bag full of candy while ineffectively wiping the side of his face that had gotten caught in the deluge of dirty water. He glared after the fading red taillights, glad that the rain had at least driven most of the trick-or-treaters inside so they wouldn’t have to deal with the same fate. Shaking himself off, he forced his frozen feet forward, quietly contemplating just who had insisted on Halloween being so late in the season when the weather was always so cold.

He was going to go home, lock himself in his bedroom, and drink himself to sleep. Not because he was depressed over Claire—no, apparently he still couldn’t work up enough emotion for that—but because he was so fucking annoyed by being told he didn’t know how to feel. He knew how to feel. He did it every fucking day. And if that wasn’t good enough, well, too fucking bad for Claire.

Somehow feeling more empowered in his anger even though he was still absolutely lost on what the fuck Claire had been trying to tell him, Sebastian splashed through puddles and piles of colorful, rain-drenched leaves until he reached the familiar streets of his neighborhood. The rain had only increased and his steps sped up in response, his sweatshirt soaked through and bangs now dripping into his green eyes, obscuring his vision. Which was why, when headlights suddenly flashed and Sebastian caught sight of a small, hunched body in the middle of the road, without thinking he immediately dashed forward.

A horn blared startling loud, the tires to Mr. Walden’s sedan shrieking on the wet pavement when the man slammed on his brakes to avoid Sebastian’s poorly lit form. He barely noticed, his gaze fixed on the middle of the road where a child’s plastic pumpkin treat holder was tipped upside down, candy scattered on the ground all around it. But where he had thought he had seen the body of a person, a drenched, wide-eyed black cat looked up at him, it’s fur matted to its trembling body.

“Sebastian! Are you out of your damn mind, boy? You could have been killed!” Rolling his window down roughly, the older man squinted into the rain, trying to see past Sebastian’s knees illuminated by his headlights. “Oh, hell, don’t tell me that’s a…”

“It’s a cat,” Sebastian said, wonder and warmth filling his voice in equal proportions as he bent down and offered the back of his hand to the small creature’s delicate nose. “I think he was eating the candy.” He had never known a cat to eat candy, but with the torn wrappers under the cat’s paw, he was pretty sure that was what it was doing.

Scowling with a mix of annoyance and relief to find that there was no child crumpled under the wheels of his car, Mr. Walden revved his engine impatiently. “Come on, get out of the street. Whatever it’s doing, the road is no place for it or you. Especially in this rain.”

Eyes of impossible periwinkle depths stared up into his. Crouching down, Sebastian held his hands out, the frail looking cat following the movement with its head warily. “You cold, little guy?” Sebastian crooned, carefully scratching behind a bedraggled ear. When no bite or hiss came, he edged closer, cautiously wrapping his arms around the cat’s body but not lifting just yet. “I’m going to get you out of this rain, okay? My home is nice and warm and you won’t have to worry about being run over.”

Taking the silence and trembling of the small form as permission, Sebastian carefully tightened his arms until the black cat was in his embrace. He stood slowly, hooking the plastic handle of the pumpkin with him so no kid would wander into the road to try and rescue it as well. He ignored Mr. Walden’s eyeroll—the man was clearly not as impressed by a pathetic, shivering, soaking wet cat as he was—and slowly walked his new friend to the sidewalk where they could both be safe.

“Do you have a collar, pretty?” He asked softly, gently scratching beneath the cat’s chin until it tilted its face up to reveal that it was indeed collarless. But even though the cat was bedraggled and scavenging for food, Sebastian was certain it belonged to someone or had only just recently lost its owner. It was far from feral, curled up in his arms and purring as it tried to heat itself against the rain and cold. It hadn’t tried to claw him or anything even though the poor thing had nearly been run over and had to be terrified.

Water dripped down onto Sebastian’s nose from the brim of his sweatshirt hood, startling him momentarily and reminding him that even though his new friend was safe from cars, it was still out in the miserable weather that could be just as dangerous for a domestic animal. Decided, he turned towards his house, speaking soothingly as he held the cat close against his chest between the damp layers of his shirt, offering it as much protection as he could from the elements while he took him home.

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