3-9-2023
Well, apparently I've been overdue for a good migraine. It's going on day 3 -- started the middle of Tuesday after a weird bout of crying, and when it hit it didn't feel like a headache. It felt like I had gone full right back into an episode of fatigue, brain fog, and loss of motor skills, just hunching over in front of the computer, my brain glitching out unable to do basic shit again. Seriously thought it was a thing -- like an ER thing -- but nope, guess that's just the opening act of this current migraine, one that has hit with fun bouts of euphoria, less fun anxiety, and really fascinating skewed visual distortions. The pain has set in this morning, hitting in waves, and gonna be real, it's fucking boring being sick.
I have been able to get some work done these last days -- seriously, what am I really supposed to do with my time, sick or not? Stare blankly at a television screen? *snort* I've added some useful bits to my database code that allows me to copy templates and alter, making the multiple sheets in the character form creation a faster process. I've made some basic forms that I'm adapting for Demon Bonded at the moment -- that's where I wanted to go when I finished the last PATB book. I wanted to jump into Demon Bonded, get another episode out, and then write another PATB, but my executive functioning just couldn't support that by the time the mold was cleaned up.
I'm probably going to continue coding as much as I can through the pain -- creativity just isn't sparking from this place. My brain is going through weird distortions, and I don't want to end up writing a bunch of nonsense on the current work only to need to edit it all later. (If I'm real, I shouldn't be coding cuz if I fuck that up, it's so much reading to find the problem. But I can't just sit here all day being sick. Fuck that. Let's make a mess.)
I'm noticing something interesting of the last few days. Exciting, even. My vision issues are different with the migraine.
So, I'm not sure if it's the fluid build up/inflammation changes happening in the head, or something to do with pain receptors not reading when the euphoria hits (leaning toward this one) but my eyes haven't hurt much at all the last few days, even though I have absolutely been coding. I'm still photosensitive, but not in the same way I've been on a daily level. My eyes are still fucked, don't get me wrong, but this eye condition has always been here since I was a kid. It's only been recently that it's been preventing me from doing the things I love.
After my insurance provided me with the most painful, useless support glasses to help me read the screen but instead gave me eye pain for days, I had kinda given up a lot on finding a better perspective on this shit. I hadn't realized I had adapted down into the daily baseline pain of this condition, and that it might be better with a different intervention. The pain shutting off during the early days of the migraine reminded me that it doesn't have to be this way. That if I can find a better solution, I might be able to claw back more of my life and functionality.
And maybe that's just a lie I'm telling myself out of desperation and hope. But fuck, I can live off of lies if it gets me pushing toward a better tomorrow, you know? I think that's part of the human condition, otherwise we're just staring at the inevitability of death every day until the end. (what, that never crossed your mind as an activity you can start today? Oh, darling, existential dread is just a thought away.)
So I talked to my PCP about migraine prevention, and we're going to try something different to the neurophthalmologist's protocol. They can't really be mixed because of how aspirin can interact with the new med. And if it doesn't work, I'll be seeking out a migraine specialist to see what they can do. What I'm looking at will take weeks to work, if it does work, and given my questionable brain chemistry, it might not be a viable option because of how it impacts the serotonin system. Aka, I might go manic and have to stop, leading to more lost days of work. But if it does work, it won't just be preventing migraine pain; it'll be helping with all pain. Like the eye pain and the strain of the muscles as they struggle to not default to their resting, skewed position when in use.
So as shitty as this migraine has been, I'm quite happy to tear out a silver lining and sew it into a couture garb to wear for the next months as I see how this new treatment goes. (Because yes, I'm also watching Netflix's as I code, and I found a new season of Next in Fashion.)