Hey... so setbacks
So... my adrenals have failed. I'm on medication — not dropping dead anytime soon. But I'm tired. Been tired for a really long time. I started writing in the middle of this illness, and every day has been exhaustion.
I need to change my expectations going forward as a writer, and when I do, I want to ensure that you, as readers, are informed. I haven't wanted to even look at this site for months now because I haven't been able to convey the level of emotional complexity this whole thing has left me in. And that's fair — I'm only human, and I have these hopes and dreams I want my writing to fulfill in this very limited, challenging lifespan. And I need to examine all that and start being honest about my limits and strengths going forward.
I don't know what this is going to look like at the end. Don't know what it'll be within a 24 hour cycle based on if enough cortisol is moving through my system, never mind in a month, or a year, or five years from now. But I have characters waiting for their stories to be written, and I want to make sure they get told and are read. I might stop self publishing to take some of the exhausting work out of this — or I might start looking for help, if I can afford it. If that doesn’t exhaust just as much as everything else does…
For now, I'm completing the database, and I still plan on focusing on writing starting next month. I'll try to present some sort of order, if not for you, then for me to keep me on track. But my expectations really have to be changed so that I'm not at every moment disappointed that I've failed to reach these lofty goals I hold for myself while my body is just forever tired.
I want to thank you all for sticking with me, loving the characters and the daring of the stories, and for coming back when I was too sick to write to help keep this all alive. It mattered. It kept me floating when everything has felt impossible and hopeless. I really have no way to express the gratitude I feel, just that it has been a light in all this difficulty. I’m sorry I haven’t been the version of me I wanted to be, and I hate that I battle with that just as much as with being ill.
I hope everyone is safe and loved and taking care of yourselves. There is so much tumultuous change happening in the world, and as horrible as it is, I need to remind myself that sometimes change brings better at the end. We just have to get through it. Maybe we’ll see a more conscientious, loving world that understands how we are all connected globally, how our environment is everyone’s home and needs to be respected and preserved as a way of life out of this. That we are responsible for each other, and when horrors happen in one place, it is still happening in our home, and we need to be accountable in making it better for everyone. I can only hope.