*for an in depth look at abuse, the intelligence of the body and psyche, and how dark topic erotica helps survivors accept their bodies, their arousal, and themselves, I wrote an informative piece titled ‘Dark Fantasies For Abuse Survivors.’
I want to address the elephant–or in this case, the naked, gay, tied up man–in the room. Sex. Dark sex. ‘Inappropriate’ sex or ‘obscene’ sex. I was raised in a shame based culture. I live in America where we still have obscenity laws which differentiates obscenity from erotica as, ‘I know it when I see it,’ and ‘whether the work, taken as a whole, lacks serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value.’ Free speech does not protect whatever someone decides obscenity is, and let me say how outrageous that is. Shame takes away the protection of freedom of speech.
Part of the problem with shame is the inability for people to study sex with an open mind and heart for fear of being judged and ostracized from their society. So let me present to you the value I have found in writing dark sex fantasies for a living, while I also point out the writers of serial killers, the writers of alien invasions or fantasy do not need to justify the value of what they do. They do not have to fear their books being removed from sites and stores and their livelihood taken away because someone ‘knew it when they saw it.’ Most everyone has sexual fantasies. I write darker fantasies because they interest me, and I feel they have a stronger impact on people than common erotica. I think dark fantasies are what a lot of people need when they live in a repressed culture. I think the more the world demands people be a certain way to fit in, the more sexual fantasies come in to alleviate pressure by creating healthy, judgement free outlets.
I want you to know there is absolutely nothing wrong with having dark sexual fantasies. Ever. No matter the shape or the form. A fantasy is a fantasy. They do not demand action; they do not demand anything from you but to hopefully understand yourself better. That is what writing fantasies and sharing them with others does; it allows the writer to understand his/her psyche better and it allows the reader to understand his/her psyche. When we understand who we are, when we pull back shame, and fear, and self hate and can see every aspect of who we are is worthy of love, we become better people.
I cannot, unfortunately stop the world from judging those who rise above shame and learn to be happy with who they are. This is not a new battle. Homosexuality is still criminal in parts of the world because some cultures refuse to accept people the way they are. In America, I have watched a war on the poor grow more and more horrific because those who make the laws don’t see low income individuals as worthy of basic human rights. My shame based culture is not limited to sex, although a lot is connected with the body. From sexual desires and urges to the amount of fat we have, our height, our skin color, our age, our hair, our facial features, the way we smell, the way we dress, the way we speak, the way our bodies move, the cars we drive, the things we own; this world spends every waking moment trying to tell people they are not okay exactly how they are. If they just brush their teeth, lose 50 lbs, get a high paying job, and be ten years younger they can finally be happy.
You can be happy now, this very instant, and you don’t have to do anything but accept who you are and be okay with it. You can say the wrong thing and still be a good person. You can wear clothes with holes in them (counting five in my current outfit) and still have value. You can read a dirty story and still be an awesome person. You can even write a dirty story and manage to help the world too.
This is not a plea to not be judged; this is a hope for people to stop judging themselves. It’s bad enough people hate themselves for their own bodies. It’s even more destructive to hate yourself for your own sexual fantasies. Shameless isn’t a bad word. Shame, in comparison, is the most destructive idea humanity has come up with. You are beautiful exactly as you are.