It’s getting there. I realized I needed to start explaining magic a bit. Wylie is a total noob to this shit, and I never really go into magic through his eyes. I think I avoided it that first time around because I didn’t want to have to create a magic system. When I started going into Vince’s world in the next books, that system becomes important–for any sorcerer but Dorian, the magic system matters. Dorian, of course, is too overpowered for him to really go into detail… but it will later when he starts glamoring…

Yeah, anyways, just more world building. XD

It’s choppy, I know. I just need to post something, anything, to keep me focused on the habit of writing. Only got like 3 hours of sleep today and my brain is not in it. Having some interesting side effects from this candida treatment–pain, very distracting–plus racing thoughts. I can feel my brain sparking even when nothing is happening. So, yeah, focus.

Started this bullet journal thing, still in the learning process. Think it will be a slow ramp up for me given all I want to cover from medical stuff, to health, to all my creative projects and such, but already, it feels worth it. When I talk about Parkinson’s it’s usually the physical stuff, the inflammation, pain, weakness, etc; I don’t usually talk about the difficulty focusing. I’m hoping to build a structure and a system that keeps me on track no matter what’s happening in the world or in my life so I’m not so easily overwhelmed. It’s a little time spent now for long term, continuous results.

Ugh, this is it. This is when ‘adulting’ is just me being a fucking adult. Shit.

Okay, I’ve been poking at this fic off and on for a while now. It started when I realized I wanted to make a visual novel where the story continues in the world, branching plots and characters, etc. But the original text is just, well, eh. Moldy brain hit, and I wanted the story nicer. I, naturally, feel like I’m just fucking it at the moment though.

I’m worried my new writing style just isn’t sexy. Maybe I’ve been writing too many PATB scenes with less heat. I dunno. I need to get back into the habit of writing sexy. I’m not great at multitasking lately–my brain just refuses–but I’m trying. I actually nearly have this damn story rewritten, I just started at the last scene and worked my way up (cuz I fucking hate myself XD) so the final pass is starting at the top to ensure that this even reads coherently.

I’m starting a few new treatments after seeing the doctor yesterday, one that involves killing off a lot of nasties in my gut, which are releasing neurotoxins into my body, which leads to the Parkinson’s symptoms. While the mold is external and affecting me through the olfactory system, the candida is an internal battle that hits the brain through the vagus nerve, which can be just as damaging–maybe even the source O_o of it all depending on how long this overgrowth has been. I put this particular treatment off for a while because I knew it could be harsh on my system. I wanted a break for my body and my psyche after the summer of hell where I was living out of the car with the multiple chemical sensitivity. But my health started slipping lately after gaining ground, the exhaustion and lack of focus returned, and I don’t think I can wait to get these novels done before addressing this. I gotta do this treatment and hope the time invested now will pay off later.

The initial, small dose of yeast killer was last night, and I can’t sleep, my brain is racing, fair amount of body aches, and yeah, I’m even grumpier than I sound. 😉 This, in the long run, is going to give me my health back (fucking hope) but I apologize in advance if I become a ranting, crazy person for a bit. I will continue to write during this time, and be assured, if it sucks, when the neurotoxins are cleared, I will return and fix this shit. I have a high standard of quality, even if limited by my perspective of the time.

We can only do the best we can do and learn to accept it (or deny–there is always denial >_>) and ourselves in the process. New challenge accepted.

One more pass and this is golden. But when I’m awake–I gotta stop writing until my eyes fall shut. >_> It seems to be the only time I can focus though.

So glad I’m doing this rewrite. Seriously, so glad. It’s the same story, just so much more fleshed out, a place you can actually sink into. So glad I got my damn brain back. <3

I think this needs one more pass when I’m more awake to say it’s actually done. There are some rough patches still, but yay, I’m happy with it so far.

I’ve been distracted tonight by three interlocking topics: the Vagus Nerve, Parkinson’s Disease, and electrotherapy to improve Vagal Tone. Stumbled across this when looking for a gut/Parkinson’s connection, and my fuck, I found it. Every last piece I’ve been questioning that hasn’t been falling into line is here, it’s all freaking here from heart arrhythmia to immune dysfunction to digestive rhythm to inflammation to why I keep hitting this wall in my treatments. It answers so many questions that I hadn’t even realized I’d been ignoring cuz there are so many interlocking problems with this illness

Currently, I’ve been treating the low dopamine because that was the only cause/effect I could measure, not realizing it was the symptom to the greater problem of the vagus nerve dysfunction. If I can stimulate the vagus nerve, repair it, get the parasympathetic system to engage full time instead of my very overworked, PTSD driven sympathetic system, I could potentially be fixing the problem much earlier down the line so that the inflammation never even trips. It would prevent the entire cascade crash, keep my energy and calm and mobility and damn pain free and keep flares from even hitting.

This is freaking huge and it is so difficult to focus or sleep atm. This feels even bigger than when I first discovered the allergy/dopamine connection, and I’m just so damn crazy happy with hope right now. <3 Just takes a basic cranial electrotherapy stimulator and simple tricks to build Vagal Tone. As long as my body is capable of healing, and the dopamine levels remain constant, I don’t have to worry about degrading dopamine receptors and losing function the way Parkinson’s is notorious for.

Finally, finally, finally!!! Lol, so I’m totally obsessing over this scene cuz it’s finally here, rewriting when Wylie and Dorian first actually meet. And I’m worried I’m going to go too deep too quick–cuz I can’t help it! Wylie can’t help it! His damn dragon can’t help it! XD

I actually have like another 2000 words of this scene written, but I’m at this spot where I’m not sure if I’m adding too much detail and losing the pacing. Originally only around 2400 words, this scene is being broken into 2 pieces and will likely be around 3 times as long. Yeah, it was so rushed the first time with all these info dumps but no grounding in the concrete, no place to breathe or even get a visual of the characters in the scene. I gotta step away and fiddle with it a bit, but I’m hoping it will all be ready by tomorrow! Weeeeee!

I might be mildly hyper. Water got into the house, and I’m terrified mold will be flourishing soon enough. Funny thing, panic. In avoidance, it gives me a lot of terrible energy with no proper outlet. Let’s hope the story wins from it at least.

This was originally scene 12 in Demon Arms, and I have to say just how profoundly fucked this scene is and how frustrated I am I couldn’t even see it at the time. It barely has any structure; there are just two characters floating, talking, no setting, no grounding–it’s bizarre and it might as well be an outline because it’s barely a draft.

It has me thinking a lot about perspective and intelligence. John Cleese (legendary comedian from ‘Monty Python and the Holy Grail’) said of any craft you need to be as skilled at the craft to have the perspective to see if you’re actually any good at it. Basically, if you’re so bad at something you can’t be objective to your lack of skill, you’ll think there is nothing left to learn by perspective alone. As I get my brain back (I’m hoping one day I can just say it’s back, yeah?) I’ve been thinking of this a lot and what mold induced Parkinson’s has done to my cognitive functioning to have put me in that state lacking objectivity when I first started writing.

This is an interesting, if not convolutedly worded study on what I’m researching as I look into what low dopamine may have done to my head, and how my current treatments are reversing it. My lack of objectivity has made it impossible to really measure because my perspective was restrained by impaired cognitive function at every step. My perspective can never fully be objective when my brain is broken. So what I have now is the comparison of these old scenes to my current writing with a non moldy brain.

It is like staring into a blind brain that can’t visualize, can’t create a structure for anyone else to visualize when reading the text. That I can see the lack of it now suggests I have gained objectivity now that my brain is back–yay–but damn, what a freaking small, frightening window to peer into.

I know I was sick, but when I was sick, I was living in it. I had adapted so far down, to breathe, to stand, to finish a damn scene was an achievement, but it was my ‘norm,’ not my goal. Dear fuck, it’s like looking into a black hole now that I’m on the outside. All I can say is, how fucking amazing the human spirit to cope, to endure, to sustain and survive even in the worst of conditions. My body was dying around me from a lack of dopamine yet something kept me going long enough to pull out of it and keep living.

Life is fucking amazing, and I would have never known unless having gained the objectivity to see the worst as well as so much better. <3 What a damn gift to have suffered and survived to appreciate life after.

I’m hoping I won’t be so sappy later. XD This shit has just hit me hard when looking at these scenes. I truly didn’t know how bad it was. I love this book and want it to be its best, and if I hadn’t taken the time to do this, I never would have known how I had failed in that endeavor because of illness. Yes, it’s extra time but I keep feeling gratitude for taking the journey.

I think this scene surprised me. I went in thinking it was going to be easy, very cut and dry, and instead I found this underlying theme I had seen threads of but hadn’t weaved in that first time around. I keep forgetting how old this story is, how young of a writer I was, how moldy brained, how confused. You don’t see the dark when you’re in it; you just see the vague shapes after a while and get used to it. It’s only once it’s bright and you’ve adapted that things are actually clear looking around.

I thought this process would be faster, the Demon Arms rewrite, but I was basing it off of what I had to do to repair and fix up Shiny Thief. I feel like if I put the time in, the final draft of Shiny Thief would be done in two weeks. Demon Arms needs more work than I initially realized because I assumed my older writing hadn’t been quite this infected by the mold. I feared I was just trying to elaborate too much, maybe get caught up in the process instead of seeing the results, but no, this book was truly just a first draft and I keep getting surprised by it.

Lol, I’ll keep it in mind now. Perhaps the awareness will help my plan of attack going forward. 😉 I’m so impatient in a lot of ways. I want this done. I want to be working on new things. But if I don’t give this the attention it deserves, I’m only spiting myself and the series. I know it, but damn, I’m still really impatient. XD It’s still a big jump from who I was a few years back. Even planning this series so far into the future, not feeling like death is clawing at my ankles, and that I can breathe and take the time needed… this is a much better way to live. I wish I was faster but at least I don’t feel like I’m running from death.

Hey, that erotic vampire cover for Wendy came out sexy as fuck! <3 Check it out if you have a chance.

I wonder if you can pluck writer’s block from the mind the same way you can wake from a bad dream. I’m going to say yes and just go with it, because I’ve found my flow again and I plan on staying here. <3 If I’m going to be the narrator of my life, might as well make shit easier for me, eh?

I wasn’t expecting to take a break. I could blame Thanksgiving, but really, a lot of things kinda hit at once. The bf got that bad tooth infection which stole a couple of days away and messed up my sleep cycle, then I was hit with mold and dealing with Parkinson’s symptoms all over again–ah, mortality. What a bitch. Oh, and working on a cover for Wendy–some productivity at least. It’s looking pretty sexy so far.

I’m hoping to get back on track once again… as I type this at 4am unable to sleep but in desperate need of said sleep. I should get up and try the mucuna, maybe dose some benadryl… but then I’d have to get up. >_>

The pain has been surprisingly intense after so long with things improving. It’s been a struggle to stay positive, and yet, I know the drill at this point. The art of being trapped in your own brain; all the essential elements are there to make your existence hell, you just need something to hit the right physical/emotional sensors to make it so. But if you let it go, accept it for what it is, and focus on what you love and live for, those internal programs will override the old damaged software for a better existence. One day, I may be able to skip the process and just start at acceptance. I don’t know why my default must be to battle with reality and myself, but at least I’m learning to come back faster.

I’d be the kind of asshole to get a tattoo of the word ‘acceptance’ on my hand. Not because I need to have a visual manifestation of a mental concept I embrace to show off to the world, no, but because I keep fucking forgetting to accept shit. It’s like tattooing your grocery list or own name on your body just to remember. What to do in an emergency or emotional crisis? Accept it, bitch. (I’m sure this is worded very spiritually friendly. XD) Let go. Attachment is suffering. Attachment to concepts of self, mortality, what a healthy body is, what happiness and success are lead to suffering, so let it all go and be free.

Trying. I’m so used to clinging for the sake of clinging at this point…

I spent my evening after a wonderful thanksgiving with friends and family listening to the love of my life scream in pain for hours on end from a broken tooth. I’m seriously wondering if it’s mold related given my tooth just broke too–I know, a one track mind. But there is a thing where mold can irritate the mucus membranes, making you more likely to sleep with your mouth open, which dries out the mouth and allows bacteria to build much faster and eat away at the teeth.

Anyways, Scene 25 on Demon Arms! This feels like the next part of the book, to be honest. Like, if I had Demon Arms be a serial (which, when I was first writing it, I totally wanted that for the set up because there was just so much I wanted to explore) this would be the second episode. The first part was all meeting Wylie, the burglary, ending up in the police station covered in blood with two sorcerers suddenly trying to save his life while others are looking to murder him. The craziness of his first impression of the Academy and the blood thirsty shifters, and our first peek at Dorian, who sparks just thinking about Wylie. And now the next episode, where Wylie is facing 5 years (if he can stick it out) of this weird place we’ve yet to really see, and potential dangers lurk at every turn. ^^ Wee.

I’m hoping this will go much faster now. There isn’t much I need to add in like I did with the previous scenes. I want to have a little more show of Wylie hunting with the shifters for the first time, but besides just presenting the info more entertainingly, I think these Academy scenes don’t require too much change… Maybe. I guess I won’t know until I’m in the middle of writing. I know Wylie’s motivation was lost a bit the first time around. He didn’t feel like he changed or strived or wanted as much as his character should have portrayed. He was reacting a lot but not really revealing growth…

I’m so glad I did this. I love Theo and Michael and their funny back and forth. They’ve been stuck with each other for years, started off hating each other, and now they’re the only ones who can keep the other from going off the deep end. And damn, Theodore is so resentful of it. XD Of course, Theo resents anything he cares about–too many chains.

It’s been so nice to explore these characters this time around. It really helps transition to the next three books that have Michael in the forefront, and the one that follows where Theodore falls hard for his own personal monster. <3 Squee, I get so excited just thinking about it. Why can’t the thoughts in my head just appear fully formed on the page, huh?!

Things did not go as plan. Bad tooth still firmly trapped in skull, can’t open my mouth all the way now, and I’m looking for a new dentist. Not sure how long it’s going to take but I have a temp putty cap thing and it’s keeping the pain at bay. I dunno, maybe it’s an excuse to try to scrounge $1000 together to get a crownless root canal (getting one with a crown is $3000)–this shit is so expensive. I’m totally disgusted by it. When I was in my early twenties, I was able to get a root canal for $500 even. Now, keeping your teeth is the biggest fucking luxury left. Whatever. :/

So, a taste of this character reference stuff, for those curious. I’ll have them all done eventually (probably not full images like this until I have them on a cover, though.) Still, it’s fun. ^^ But back to writing. I want this story done. I’m glad to make the structure for the reference material, but I’m going to try and fill it out as I go along, and catch up with the data already created a little later just for speed.

Thought I should give you all a heads up: my tooth is fucked. It broke or something–I mean, it was broken forever, but now the nerve is exposed. It sucks. Anyways, getting it pulled tomorrow. I assume my focus will continue to be distracted until the pain reduces, but I can’t imagine it won’t be for much longer.

During that time, I’ve been making an in depth (or so I say, but so far it’s just a directory) of all the Paranormal Academy For Troubled Boys characters. Doing the same for terms, new vocabulary, magic system, rooms, etc. It’s to help me write faster without having to go through the text and look up simple shit… eventually, cuz I got to make it first. So much damn data. @[email protected] My hope is, I’ll be able to share it with readers once I’m done (you know, ensuring there are no spoilers left in.) It could be fun–or maybe boring. I’m easily amused… No, that’s a total lie. It’s very difficult to entertain me. XD

So, I have an idea, and I really like this idea. I want to try writing single scene erotica. What that means is the entire story would happen in one scene, from the plot hook, the fucking, and the resolution. And to ensure it doesn’t get too long, I’d have a word count limit of no more than 10,000 words.

My short fiction has been getting too long, too complex. Hellcat became a freaking series @[email protected] when it was supposed to be a fuck fic. That totally sexy dragon gangbang story looks like it’ll be 30,000-60,000 words, easy, by the time I get to it and finish it–which won’t be any time soon because I don’t have the time to write a novel on top of the two I’m currently working on. My brain is fucking up everything by over complicating shit. I like it–don’t get me wrong; I love having my brain back and I’m enjoying my new writing style–but I want to write some short stories and I feel it’s impossible in my current state.

I’m also worried the erotic aspect of the site has been suffering with the novel writing. The PATB series is far lower heat than something like Hellcat. These novels are important but they’re not everything my writing is about. I need to find those roots. Seriously, I think I need to develop 2 separate styles of writing: one for novel writing and the other for short stories. Otherwise, it’s unlikely I’m going to ever find time to write a ‘short story’ when it ends up half a novel every time.

I like this one scene erotica idea. It’s simple, it doesn’t require character sheets, or serious world building, or complex plots. I wouldn’t revisit the characters or need to hold a world in my mind every time I go to write. The reason I haven’t touched Demon Bonded in months is because of what it takes to have to go back, reacquaint myself with the series and where I left off, write the next episode, and then do the same amount of reacquainting to get back into writing Demon Arms and Shiny Thief all over again. I tried to sit down and tackle just the outline of Demon Bonded last week, and I realized it was going to take me far too away from the writing I was currently doing to be even remotely time effective.

I don’t think I’m capable of multitasking like I used to be. Perhaps I made my current projects so complicated that it’s unrealistic; I dunno. What I do know is, the only way I’m going to get some short fiction done, is ensure it’s actually short. Maybe 10,000 words is even too long? I need to put enough limitations on myself so the only thing I can do is make something sexy as fuck in the least amount of words.

Either this cold has been amazing for my writing, or I’m just so delirious that I believe it to be so. Either way, it’s a win perception wise. XD

These scenes are flowing really nicely, loving the change of showing verse telling. I hadn’t realized just how much Dorian’s introduction came with the return of the inner narrator. I think I do that a lot when I’m first trying to understand a character; I just have the narration go crazy. It’s such a tension killer in a story though. I’m loving finding ways to get Dorian’s inner voice to speak aloud and make the scene alive instead.

Squee, the next scene is Theo’s return from defending the police station. <3 I’m also loving adding in the instructor’s pov’s. It really gives a more mature angle instead of just being sucked into the teen angst (not that I don’t love that too. XD)

Nose is clogging up, fever, and grumpy as fuck. Think I caught a cold. :/ Blah.

Haven’t been chatty lately. I’ve been avoiding the news because of the insanity of emotion going on pre-election. The murder of minorities and democrats in the name of ‘protecting America from the immigrants.’ It’s been disturbing. They’re murdering us over political party and pretending it’s not exactly part of the plan.

Now, well, now after just voting, all I feel is sick inside. It’s a war on democracy, a vote where we can only hope that the side in power will deign to be honest enough to count the votes against them. And let’s face it, the Republicans have proven they won’t count them. There have already been ‘glitches’ in the voting machines of early voters where the votes for Democrats were given to Republicans. They would burn this country to ash just to ensure women can’t choose to abort their fetuses and POCs won’t ever have the same opportunity and equality as whites. They don’t care what the majority of Americans want, and they don’t feel accountable to represent those Americans. Unless you’ve got a bank account of billions, you’re nothing to the Republican party, and they have done absolutely nothing to hide this truth.

We’re at war and we’re still calling it a vote.

There’s not a lot I want to change in this scene. I forgot how much I liked this damn scene. XD Just a little more detail, better visualize and more concrete setting. Hmm, my fuck it’s funny to look back and realize how I could get dialog but couldn’t visual a scene. Lol, I’ll just blame the mold. >_>;

Scene 18. The Academy. I threw down some new lines while looking at the original text, and I’m already questioning it all.

This is the first time Wylie sees the Academy. This is the first damn time he’s going to meet the other paranormals. Can I do it better? Can it be more interesting, less passive, more real? Where do I really want to start? What does it feel like when Wylie’s dragon suddenly shows up when he’s chained all because of the scent of blood?

Do I even want this scene through Wylie’s eyes, or should we meet Dorian for the first time right after Wylie is knocked on his ass from the police car nullifier? Where is the best point of drama, the best reveal for the reader?

I love this shit. I love the questions. I love the way creativity is just sparking, demanding attention. Sorry I’ve been sick babes–we got my PC from my moldy room and the mold fucked me up a few days. But I’m back and I’m super excited to see where this story is going.

Finally pulled it from the moldy room and set it up. Some little hiccups with the positioning of the monitor. Can’t use the moldy books it was once on so I’m staring down when drawing now instead of head on. I gotta find something I can use. But, other than that, it’s all a go. <3

Whoo, I think the hibernate or winterize switch has flipped in my head because I’ve been cleaning like crazy the last half a week. I’m hoping to finally get my PC into the room I’m sharing so that I can start up graphic work again. I had sealed the desk to keep it from being infected by the mold, but I’m still leery on it being moved into the only clean part of the house.

A part of me just wants to throw everything out–everything–to prevent the mold from coming back. But I don’t know, it might just be shortsighted fear at this point. I’m not winning against the mold but I don’t want to make it any worse either. Moving from this place would suck. It’s the first full house we could afford to rent (just barely) and it’s safe for the cats to roam outside, and yeah, it would just suck.

Priorities, I guess. We’re paying to rent a full house with only half we can use while pretending the mold totally isn’t going to start back up in spring. Oh yeah, I’m still good at lying to myself. XD

So missing my thyroid meds for 2 days was a very shitty thing to have happened and I’m exhausted. Don’t do that. Just sayin.

I’m really excited about this Demon Arms rewrite. There are things about Wylie’s character I only touched upon the first time around, and other things I completely left out that I’m exploring now. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a shit life, or at least felt like it. Where you’re hit again and again by circumstances completely outside of your control. Class systems exist everywhere, and if you’re ‘born on the wrong side of the tracks’ it can be very normal to think the shit that happens to you is normal, and beat yourself up on a moral/ethical level for not being better in the face of it all.

Wylie is one of those types of people. He doesn’t take the easy answer, but holds himself accountable for everything–even that shit completely beyond his control. Because when you’re born into a shit situation, you want to feel like if you just acted a certain way, just tried harder, or were smarter, or were just a better human being, you would have won, you would have gotten out because we bargain in our heads. We lie to ourselves and say good people, or strong people, or smart people get what they deserve. No one gets to pick that social/class lottery and decide what they’re born into, but still we convince ourselves if we’re deserving enough, we will rise above it all.

And when you’ve had a lifetime of striving for that, for doing the best you can and failing, it’s easy to believe that you must just be a shitty person who doesn’t deserve anything.

I know so many people who are like this, where the world kicks their ass, and then they beat themselves up on top of it for not being strong enough, or smart enough, or whatever they’re ‘supposed’ to be instead of who they are. They lose sight of the fact that they’re fighting a system so callus and ugly that it will let people starve to death, belittle them for needing help, blame them for being the ‘wrong’ color or gender, or for not being an unfeeling automaton that can’t handle doing the same boring, useless shit day in and day out. All they see is their own mistakes and they somehow think their actions or who they are is why everything bad is happening. It’s so human.

How can you ever allow yourself a better life when you don’t believe you deserve it? How can you see if you deserve anything at all when you don’t realize you hate yourself? That’s why Wylie needs Dorian. He can’t see worth when it comes to himself, but he can see it so clearly for someone he loves.

I made the most delicious soup today, you don’t even understand! It’s this blend of roasted buttercup squash, spinach, roasted garlic, raw garlic, white miso, butter, cream, avocado oil, salt, pepper, and sliced scallions. Not only does it make me happy to eat, but it’s also this great reflection that I have some fucking energy again! Huzzah!

I’ve been cleaning the house, trying to get rid of all the clutter and any lingering mold. We ended up putting curtains up in the little screened off porch to help seal the heat in and keep the cold temperatures out. Vacuuming everything while sorting what to toss, donate, and keep. It’s been a lot of work, and yet, I’m doing it, not ending up exhausted (you should see the huge bruise on my finger from slamming it into the door XD) and I’m cooking too. I don’ t know if it’s just the cold weather killing the mold, or the probiotics I started, but I have all this energy and the focus to write at the same time too (something that doesn’t always show up when the energy does.) It’s exciting, and I’m hoping this will be my new normal. *eyebrow waggle*

Why the fuck not, eh? I want to pick my normal and this is a fine way to be. <3 Seriously, this soup is amazing, and what a color. Let me snag a photo. It’s fucking gorgeous and tasty.

The mini vaca with my boyfriend is over and I’m jumping into getting the house ready for winter now that the mold is dormant with the cold temperatures. When we first moved into this rental home, we moved everything—and I do mean everything, including the trash. I was so sick, and I am the steel will of the household, so because I didn’t have the energy to sort and organize and throw shit away, it all moved with us with the mentality of we’d sort things after the fact. Well, it’s moving into the third year of living here and since mold has taken over my bedroom and possibly the living room, I figure it’s time to free up some space. I want this stuff sorted out before we have to move again, or even if we do find a solution and can stay, I just want the clutter gone.

I was looking at this project as a decluttering (which it is, let’s be honest.) But when I started questioning the aesthetics—I hate bare walls, bare space—I decided to do some research into why other people minimalize. I know a big part of why I’m doing this is mold: I need to clean every surface, every object constantly to keep mold at bay, which means less is the key to my survival. But at the same time, I’ve been realizing a lot of the things I’ve been holding onto isn’t because I value them, but because I’m afraid to be without them.

This is the survivor hoarding mentality left over from my PTSD brain and I think it saw a mild resurgence when the mold took over my room and I found myself living out of the car. In one breath, I realized all I needed was so little to survive, but in the next breath was this fear to lose anything was to never get it back. I didn’t need it but I might never get it back! @[email protected] How funny the mind when we’re in crisis.

So, after a little research, these are some interesting reasons other people declutter. A big one is to remove decision fatigue from their homes! Like, no choosing a million outfits or meals to eat or notebooks to write in or bags to use. There’s a few options or only one, and it’s enough. I have to say, I love this idea cuz I was always the weird kid who wanted to wear the same clothes every day… and I’m the weird adult who wears the same 5 or so outfits a month. I don’t think of it as decision fatigue so much as knowing what I like and being comfortable in it though. It takes a certain number of holes for me to throw an old outfit out, which this week I’m working on to just get anything damaged or doesn’t fit or isn’t comfortable thrown out or donated.

Another reason people minimalize that really struck a cord with me is mindfulness. Being surrounded by things you value, and removing the things you don’t. Not only in your house, but in your entire life. That’s something I want. I want to be present in my life enough to appreciate what I have, and be grateful to have the space between those little joys and values instead of cluttering it up with stuff I don’t value. I’ve been doing this a lot mentally. it’s just been difficult to actually remove those unvalued things from my space. Again, it’s that survivalist mentality of ‘omg, what if I need 10 mason jars with no matching lids some time in the future? This has a purpose, a reasonable, useful purpose, and I must hoard!

Lol, right now everything feels like decision fatigue of what to keep. I threw out a giant pile of old coats last night along with empty bags/backpacks and a pile of scarves that we were holding onto just in case. Just in case we need a musty, worn out jacket instead of the ones we have that actually fit. Just in case we want a bag that has so many holes, it probably wouldn’t be useful anyways. We buy everything second hand already, and then wear it out to the point of destruction, and yet, it’s so hard to let go. It amazes me the perspective PTSD creates that makes you cling to useless shit because of this fear of never being able to get it back. It’s a clinging to an idea of security (security being a total illusion) instead of seeing reality as it is.

If I could literally throw away my mailbox and never get another piece of useless mail again, you would not even understand the joy I would feel. I am so done with mail. It’s wasteful and it clutters every fucking surface of my house. We got a shredder for the mail like a year ago, but we get so much mail and refuse to sort it that it piles up and shredding becomes this giant ordeal that no one wants to do. I need to find a mail solution for peace of mind.

The hardest thing to minimalize has been my art books. Well, actually, it’s been very easy because they’ve all been infested with mold and I can’t go near them. :/ But on an emotional level, it’s been difficult. I value art. I think I value other artists’ art beyond just the beauty they create, but also the creative spirit it inspires within me. Art has saved my life in so many ways, and it has brought value to the life I live. I want to be surrounded by art all the time, but the mold situation has made it near impossible (unless I want to start painting on metal… which I’ve made a few pieces, actually…)

I think I’ve come up with a solution for the books, at least. I don’t want to give the books away or sell them for fear this mold will hurt other households, but what I can do is scan/photograph the books and have the digital files display on one of those photo frame monitors. That way not only are the images preserved but they’re actually being viewed instead of being hidden away in the books.

As much as I loved those art books, I didn’t open them much. I didn’t find the time. There was comfort to have them there, to know creative worlds were there the moment I needed them, but was I really valuing them when I wasn’t looking at them? These have been cool questions I’m asking about a lot of these ‘things’ around me as I take on this project. What do I really value as a person, and how do I reflect that in the items I choose to have around me and in how I live my life? Figuring out these answers is really eye opening, and makes me feel more at peace with less doubts or indecision or fear. When I understand I’m clinging to things not because I’m valuing them but because I’m afraid to be without, it’s far easier to face that fear and let it go so I can appreciate what I do value.

In the end, they’re just things. The people in my life, the cats currently cuddle up with me as I type cuz it’s rainy out, and the creation of joy and happy memories are what I want my home to be about. I think it’ll be easier to focus on that when there are less things cluttering it all up.

(…But seriously, can I throw the mailbox out? O_o)