The world is on fire with so many gorgeous colors and change is burning through the air.
It’s been an interesting week. Interesting in the sense I haven’t done much of anything yet I feel like the world has opened up. My health has reached a place where the worst thing that happens to me when I’m hit by the allergies is mild congestion, a little body pain, and a flare of anxiety. That’s it. I don’t see it changing, I don’t see me ever becoming sick like I was the last 4 years, and I spent this week in a limbo as I came to understand that.
My anxiety is not based in reality but in illness. Fear is not real; it lives in the mind. It’s been a mind blowing week, peeps.
I’m trying to figure out how to live life not running from fear—PTSD, illness and never having enough. I have no idea. I’m learning to not identify with the conflict in my life or around me. Someone threw a cup of coffee into my car at my brother who was driving after they cut him off, the Republicans’ passed a budget bill destined to fuck over anyone not filthy rich, and I think I clicked together why my adoption records were sealed after some recovered memories keep popping up. Huge things that could have me cycling in my brain freaking out, arguing with imaginary people as I fight myself. That’s not where I am anymore. I’m very aware that I’m not doing that anymore, that I’m choosing to let go of things, the big ‘me’ where I go, ‘MY car, MY poor brother, MY pain, MY past, MY fear, MINE, MINE, ME!’ That’s not who I am no matter how loud and distracting those things try to be. I’m learning to not be the events and fears in my life—past, current or future—but I’m not sure what that leaves me with.
Why do we do things if we’re not running from pain or trauma? Considering I’ve had PTSD since a toddler, it’s my next journey to discover. What I know for sure is it is so much easier to breathe without that little, hurt voice sucking up all the oxygen as it relives it pain over and over again insisting it’s important. As a writer of books, I know humans define themselves by their conflict. What we ‘overcome’ we decide is who we are. It is so fucking nice to be free of that. I am not my pain or struggle; I get to be something more.
There are things I struggle with needlessly I really want to address this year. Like asking for help. It’s kinda mind boggling when I think all I have done to survive while sick and starting a business and my inability to not only ask for help but also accept it. It’s not a unique problem, either. I know plenty of people who struggle with this. I was unfortunately surrounded by those who would reinforce this idea by treating me and others like shit when we did dare ask for help because they couldn’t face the perceived weakness within they felt when they needed help. I have shed those people from my life years ago, yet the bad software still remains within. I don’t know how to allow myself to have fun. I know how to do things I perceive are ‘important’ or ‘worthy’ or ‘industrious’ or will make money, but I have no idea how to relax and have fun. There’s no one keeping me from it but myself. I am apparently very unyielding when it comes to me while my generosity knows no bounds to the people around me. It is a difficult way to live.
You know what I have been indulging in this week? Pho. There is this amazing little place in Springfield and every time I have enough cash to get a bowl, I feel full of sunshine and happy.
Speaking of Generosity
The death count for Puerto Rico looks like it could be up to 450 as a direct cause to the hurricane. Clean water is still scarce; there is a fear it’s being sourced from contaminated ground water as it is. FEMA is providing a little over 1/2 a million meals a day, meaning more than 3 million people are not eating and may not have been eating since the hurricane hit. If we leave it up to Trump, these people will die. Even if it’s a dollar a week, it’s still something for those who currently have nothing.
Totally flaked. So Demon Bonded, every episode will now be $0.99. I’m doing this for every serial episode of all my books. I’m taking a new approach to all this- part of the whole letting fear go- and we’ll see how it goes. Every book that goes wide is going to see a price drop, you know, once I get to it. XD
I think this is how I’m going to deal with the Bargain book thing I used to have on the website. Once a book is out of KU those first 3 months, I want it cheaper. I want to be looking forward and motivating myself to write the next book instead of clinging to the older stuff. I know I’ve been clinging these last months as I try to edit and erase my mold allergy from my writing. I still can’t get over that mental place–I want the books the best they can be– but I can at least make everything more affordable once I do get past my neurotic brain.
I apologize if this is difficult on those who paid full price for these books already. I want to thank you for supporting me – let’s be clear, I seriously need the money. I’m actually going to be setting up a Patreon soon. I need to be willing to let people pay for my books when they can.
Rye Winters lives life on his own terms. Even when his family disowned him for dropping out of medical school, he pushed forward for a career path that he loved. Nothing keeps Rye down…except that he’s gay and terrified to tell anyone. It’s the secret that haunts him, suffocating him to exhaustion. But it’s a secret he can’t trust with anyone. That is until Chase Evans. His RoomMatch pairing that changes his life and shows him just how gay he really is.
Chase Evans by most standards is a failure. He’s a failure at writing, a failure at socializing and a failure at love. In hopes of changing his path, he packs his bags and leaves Lexington, Virginia behind. With the help of the RoomMatch App, he finds himself a cheap apartment in Harlem, New York and a charming roommate that helps him to come out of his shell and his comfort zone. But things get wonky when he finds out his roommate may be a little friendlier than he can handle.
Edward Wilder’s life sucks. At 18, the fox shifter is homeless, trying to care for his baby sister, and since a group of hunter’s maimed him, he can’t even get a normal job. Things can’t get worse—until he witnesses a murder. Now the cops and criminals are on his ass, and he has nowhere to turn. Until Maxwell Strider shows up. Problem is, Max is a hunter, and Edward hates hunters.
Max wouldn’t take in a couple of foxes under normal circumstances. He may only hunt truly dangerous shadow folk, but that doesn’t mean he wants to open his home to a potential enemy. But he owes an old friend a favor, and Edward and the baby, Daisy, need his help.
Protecting Edward should be easy, but the fox wakes a desire Max never knew he possessed. A lust Edward seems to share—if only at night. But can he mend the hurt Edward faced in the past and earn the one thing he’s denied himself—a chance at a family—before it’s too late?
60K book contains: a sexy fox shifter and a too hot to handle hunter, enemies to lovers, graphic gay sex, sporadic violence and HEA.
Sometimes A Fresh Start Brings You Back To Who You Really Are
River Marsh is a young adult set to inherit his family’s century-old business.
But making progress is hard when River’s biggest secret – that he’s a dragon shifter – burns in his conscience. No longer welcome in his hometown, River relocates to Chicago where he works under an aloof boss who shares a similar secret as well as an intense, erotic passion that leaves the young protagonist wanting more.
Storm Woods, CEO of Woods Interior Solutions, has spent his life turning even the ugliest houses into masterpieces. His new, young assistant, River Marsh, possesses a spark that the designer hasn’t encountered in ages.
Unfortunately, professional situations make for sticky scenarios. But Storm, as his name suggests, is as daring as his designs.