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So Why Didn’t Gay Marriage Solve Everything? 🍄

Hey, babes ^^

So let me start by saying I don’t want to craft walls and bars with words so that people feel this is the only reality. This is the difficulty of society—the difficulty of being a storyteller when people reading the story don’t understand reality is not actually confined by our perception of it. We are confined by our perceptions of reality. I’m going to tell a story about how I see parts of reality and why I write what I write. This reality is not shared by everyone—thank fuck—but I’d love to hear your responses. I love to talk about this shit. XD Oh, and fuck, I will be getting back to the comments of last week. I got most of you—I’m so excited you’re excited about the Demon Virus interactive story! I just got caught up in writing and didn’t want to leave.

With that out of the way, I love the premise of this book and I want to talk about it! I haven’t read it yet, to be totally upfront. Once Hellcat is done I’m going to indulge in fun, damn it! (and yeah, this kind of reading is totally fun for me and my inner nerd… as is writing… as is writing Hellcat—I’m actually having lots of fun. XD) But just reading the premise, I think you can understand where ‘Sadie Sins’ might be really on board with this whole concept and it has my mind sparking.

Why Straight Guys Love Their Gay Guys: Reviving the Roots of Male Sexuality

After fifty years of progress and the advent of gay marriage, statistics on the well-being of gay men are as grim as ever. Rates of suicide, alcoholism, and drug abuse have not budged. Anxiety, depression, loneliness, and poor health are just as widespread. Studies have shown that gay men who live in urban gay communities actually are worse off, not better.

The utopia promised by gay marriage has not materialized. Gay men seem to have run out of ideas for future progress. There is little acknowledgment of the fact that something remains badly wrong. Nor is there a diagnosis of what is wrong.

This book proposes that the diagnosis is obvious if we look at the origins of male sexuality and how it was expressed in other cultures. The anti-sex Puritan system in which we are now immersed is relatively recent in human history. Yet in less than 2,000 years, knowledge of how other cultures lived and loved has been systematically wiped out. The forms of male sexuality were remarkably similar from culture to culture. But starting with the early Europeans in the last years of Rome and continuing around the globe as Europeans colonized the continents, natural male sexualities have been cruelly repressed and then obliviated. We are all Puritans now.

The greatest taboo of all in male sexuality remains unchallenged and is still heavily enforced. That is the taboo of male-male sex, which until 2003 was still a crime. This book argues that the plight of gay men is only a piece of a much larger catastrophe — the Puritanical repression of the sexualities of all men, in an attempt to harness the enormous power of male sexuality for social purposes in the name of moral progress, with promises of greater glories to be found in heaven. The damage that Puritanism caused to human beings and to stable social systems was never noticed. In fact the damage and misery were regarded as good. It was seen as payback to the devil.

This book is not arguing for something new, untested, unknown, and radical. Rather, the challenge is to return to something very old — the joy of male-male sex — which took similar forms in most of the cultures that we have knowledge of. In such worlds, it was understood that some men are more masculine than others, that some men are gayer than others, and that heterosexuality and homosexuality are complementary and of equal value. And those old worlds were worlds in which every gay man was able to take for granted what to us today is the impossible dream — sex with a straight best friend.

The Root of Sin is a Story

This is the root of all my stories, from the dirtiest noncon/dubcon/beast/incest/degradation to the sexy, happy fluff. This is why I write sex, to offer a narrative that to ‘give in’ to your fears and break the societal constructs surrounding sex will allow you to find pleasure instead of the sin. The sin is a lie, it’s something we were taught, not something that exists. But our brains hold power over us, our narratives—the narratives of society, of the casual little phrases we don’t even think about that create the bars to the cage that say sex is bad and wanting sex means you’re bad. That sweat, shit, tears, cum, vomit, urine, blood, flesh, bones—these things that are a part of living in a human body, something every single person on this planet experiences—is on some level bad and offensive. The body must be hidden and those who don’t hide theirs are narcissists, deviants, godless, seducers, sluts, asking to be harmed because to have a body is to deserve to be raped. These are the narratives we hear every day, little stories that filter in and our brains pick up and form a construct of the world around us.

This is also the root of censorship—I know, that other thing I love talking about! XD I find censorship extra fascinating because rarely is it just for reality but for imitations of reality. If you’ve been watching news about Trump and his ‘shithole’ comment, I hope you’re laughing as loudly as I am every time a newsperson goes to say the word shithole and instead they say something like “bleephole” or “you-know-what hole” XD OMG. They can’t even quote reality. Someone, somewhere is demanding these people not say certain words, and my fuck, they fucking listen, don’t they? They create a complete construct around avoiding certain mouthsounds, and those who don’t conform are punished. Book censorship of course is just as insane—the belief that an idea is wrong and shouldn’t be allowed to exist or people will be harmed.

Sit with that for a bit. Lol. So many people afraid of their brains, claiming their actions are powerless to their thoughts. How easy it would be to justify murder if we truly believed we weren’t responsible for our actions? We thought about killing someone, then we did—blame the thing that gave us the idea, not the choice of committing an action. Society can see how ludicrous that is for murder—usually, don’t get me started on the Stand Your Ground law—but for sex? For an internal desire expressed in the body that our history (and some current cultures) claim is just as atrocious as murder? Far less rational thought occurs when reacting to a societal message of morality.

The Societal System

Society pushes to say ‘don’t accept who you are unless… *insert demand*’ Unless you look a certain way, unless you act a certain way, unless you get that paycheck of a certain amount, unless some god loves you, unless you sacrifice, unless you earned it, unless you prove you’re worthy, unless your parents/teacher/priest/doctor/boss/celebrity/friend/someone approves… unless you’re something else. The message is you aren’t good enough as is; you must be something else and then you will be acceptable and loved. And this isn’t just the big society, that vague ‘them’ that encompasses a state or continent. There are tons of societies from groups of friends, to families, to the workplace, to your singular mind, and in this particular book’s case, the gay community.

I fear just the act of placing the gay label is the first step in this slippery slope of crafting cages and demanding of yourself to be something else concerning sexuality. It was in the lesbian scene I saw the most fighting, the most cruelty, the most anger. I met women abused by men who turned to women, only to be abused again. Or to abuse others. To seek drugs, to steal, to break up relationships, to blame others for their actions. Everyone was a hookup instead of a person. Everyone a savior to prove they’re worthy instead of a person. I saw women who demonized men, women who demonized mothers, women who demonized beautiful women—really, just pick a ‘type’ and someone hated them because of how they looked, how they acted, how they existed.

I saw so much unhappiness in that place, including the beautiful group of males who crossdressed as females and were so defensive, it felt like I was in a war scene when they stepped off stage and walked through a sea of women and seemed to expect to be attacked/judged/mocked. And given the sea of these hurt women, they might have had experience to feel that way. I saw women who desperately needed to have their peers reflect them so they could see who they were. It was identity through the control of others. Identity through comparing. Identity through reacting. They could only find themselves when interacting with others—others who had to fit their narrative or were punished. And why did those who were hurt by not fitting stay to fit? Because they gained identity by staying, by being labeled. Every person there was there by choice.

I can’t speak for gay men in that scene. Why? Because the sexes were segregated when it came to gay and lesbian and the clubs and parties I found myself at. I think part of the whole meat market aspect of that scene was, if you’re not in the market, you’re not welcome. I dunno. Maybe they couldn’t reflect off of such a different looking person—a man—so they kept them away? Maybe what the did reflect pushed them away? I can speculate but I don’t actually know. If I knew there were men out there who hated me just because of my gender the way some of those women hated men (even if those roots were based in abuse,) I probably wouldn’t be in a rush to hang out. XD

A Living Narrative

So, this is a story of the past that doesn’t exist anymore. One place in time through the eyes of one curious woman whose brain loves to find patterns in people and understand. These are moments in my life I remember to write the narrative of today–even if today is completely different. And this is part of the problem; we as humans take the past and project it into the future. We decide everything we know makes us a fortune teller. XD

During that time I spoke with women who left the scene who confided how painful it had been for them, how insane it was compared to being sexually evolved out in the world. I was still watching the scene trying to understand why everyone seemed to have a prescription or a drug or a trauma they were taking while calling themselves these two dimensional labels and looking to be seen but not really known. I was straight out of the psych ward hanging with a lesbian (who by the time I left was considering identifying as a male) who was fresh out of prison, and I had a bipolar bisexual girlfriend (who called herself a lesbian once she started dating me but nearly married a man right before.) The bubble I was in was real but that doesn’t mean it was the entire view.

After the psych ward, where you’re labeled by your brain/behavioral ‘malfunction’—you know, the true way to identify who you are, by the thing that fucks up your life completely and you can never be free of. XD The illness that makes you wrong compared to everyone else; that’s who you are. Sigh. Now that’s a system of suffering that keeps people suffering, and after the psych ward, the scene just seemed all too familiar. You can be sexually free, but only when you label, so make sure you know what your label is and don’t try to change it. We already have identified you by this label and we don’t want to be confused or worse, annoyed. Your sexuality is a judgment on us, especially if you ever fucked us—don’t you dare be bisexual or trans, cus that just confuses the fuck out of us and our sexual identity.

It was a beautiful chaos of pain as people tried to discover themselves while stepping on everyone’s toes. As much as they hurt each other, they hurt themselves even more, and the ones who stayed—so many stay until they find what they need—they hurt themselves the most.

Why Do We Do It?

I love people, I truly do. I love their insanity as they claw at themselves demanding the impossible while hoping against hope if they reach that goal, the suffering will finally stop. And while they’re clawing at themselves, they’re screaming at anyone who looks a little like them, demanding the same of them—be perfect, be this, be the thing I need so I can be free already. Hurry the fuck up and be what I want! XD Ah, it’s so powerful, so amazing, so fucking cruel and beautiful and we demand of our loved ones first, don’t we? Those who provide us the most on a material and emotional level we then refuse to allow to be free of our filter. If you change, then who am I?

I can look back and see how lost I was when I was this person who needed others to be a certain way so I could feel safe in the world. Err… like a year ago. XD This part is not an old story and she still pops up time to time. What an exhaustion trying to get people to change just so I could calm the fuck down over stupid shit like dishes. And what pain I inflicted on myself with my own demands.

Lol, that’s why my writing is so different these last months with less a focus on completion and more on actually writing the story as it wants to be. I finally learned to stop demanding so much of myself, and I’m still learning. A writer can be an ass to herself and decide if editing isn’t perfect, you suck. (whoops.) If that novel isn’t published by the end of the month, you’re a horrible person. And then you can find other writers to agree with that inner bitchy voice. It’s easier to see the interactions with my loved ones and stop, but the pain I commit on myself by having all those inner demands? Whooo, it has taken time.

It takes time not to respond to my loved ones when they come to me to identify them. When some days they want to feel weak and helpless in the world and they lash at me to give them the promise that I’m strong enough to carry it all for them, or that I perceive them incapable so they don’t have to try. Sometimes they define me by the mold toxicity so that they can be my hero for a little bit even if it means I can’t be my hero. It’s not a one way street—everyone is in a relationship by choice to gain whatever it is they need. Some people are afraid to move forward and they want someone to point it out to them so that they can tell themselves they don’t have to move forward, they can just be angry at you, bitch. XD Or they ask you for advice, ask you to carry them and do it for them, and when you don’t, ah, what a washing away of responsibility. Such bliss. They don’t have to do it because they handed you the responsibility, and if you don’t do it, oh, well, it gets to slip away and be unimportant, dragged out only during later arguments to ‘win’ in the battle of dominance for the right to narrate the shared story. Lol, it’s beautiful.

This could be the pain of the group, of the lgbt community that holds itself back, that demands others be a certain way because they have to be a symbol, a representation of an entire sexual movement. It has to look a certain way, and if you don’t fit you shouldn’t be allowed to exist as you are—change for us so we look the way we should.

Freedom to marry doesn’t give you anything when you’re not free to be yourself. It doesn’t change the way you think the world still sees you. It doesn’t change the way you still see yourself. It’s not only straight people who have the ability to judge. I see so many who have struggled to find their sexual identity and they feel threatened by the existence of someone similar but different. I have plenty of gay people still tell me bisexuality isn’t real. Some fear the spectrum because then they don’t know where they fit, who they are without the sexuality label nice and clear. I love writing straight to gay because of this—to show that facing the fear of being different from your self expectations can lead to pleasure.

My theme as a writer seems to be submission to inner dark desire=pleasure. XD I knew nothing about bdsm when I started writing erotica—I thought it was a super tacky genre from the few books I read at the time with all their equipment and living in clubs and their silly rules. All I saw was the structure and none of the underlying emotion. Now, after studying the push and pull of the human psyche as it seeks relief in others, I see the struggle of relinquishing to self.

So funny, the battle of the ego just looking for an escape to let go, looking for someone to save them because they don’t want to think they have the power. If they have the power, then they’re obligated to change their life, right? No thank you, just hand that over to the guy with the whip. XD Keep the changes in a safe place, one room, one little therapeutic dose of giving away control, giving in to desire without fear of consequence in the real world. A structured fantasy with the only one to judge being yourself and your partner.

Toxic Fruit

I like the premise of the book, of the greater society, of history and religion and the rejection of the human form being the roots of this problem. I want to see if it goes further. The roots still feed the plants that bear fruit, and where do we see the hurt coming from when history is dust, and morality is merely a system in place that no one is actually controlling? Why do those newspeople really hold back from swearing on television? Do they give a fuck about the concept of morality, or do they care about losing their jobs? Individual humans in this world punish them, and those who are punished choose to accept that’s the trade off to being free to speak certain words on TV—ha! I live in a country where we hold up free speech as some big right while saying it’s not allowed on television. Wow. Individuals strike out at others, demand from them what they demand of themselves to keep the world one way. They perpetuate the message while being bombarded by the message.

We are intelligent beings with technology and information beyond anything we have had before, but we still repeat the broken messages that keep us trapped. Why? Because we open our mouths and speak them. We do this; we are society. We teach our kids to be ashamed of the very bodies they are born into, while we look for ways to stop hating ourselves. We tell ourselves we can’t win in fights we never bother to battle. We create a god we must impress, must live up to, or we will suffer damnation. We decide that speaking up deserves pain, so only the most brave speak up. We create all the monsters that we end up battling or avoiding, while blaming the monsters.

Redefining Reality

Is that an ugly thought? Should it be censored so people don’t have to feel uncomfortable? The beauty of these systems that hurt us is how a changing of the message can save us. If the system in place is redefined, everything it touches redefines. Oh, let’s say the Pope declared sin nothing more than a fallacy of the mind used to control society, and every church in the system took up that belief and spread it to the followers. The next generation of Roman Catholics (and whoever listens to the Pope) could be free of sin. Actually free, instead of the indoctrination of bestowing original sin on every child born just so they could ‘baptize’ it away.

What if the psychiatric community decided to look into how allergies are linked to mental illness? What if they taught how most people who have allergies but don’t produce a certain response are far more likely to suffer mentally from bipolar to depression to mania to agitation to ocd to fits of rage, hence the rise of suicides during high pollen counts? What if when your kids are taught about nutrition, they’re not taught skewed information in there by companies—sugar—who don’t want people to know their product is not required on any level?

Systems allow for very big changes in a short amount of time and hey, they’re already in place. The media is such a system, which is why we have some channels spewing the extreme conservative narrative of ‘fear your neighbor and self,’ and others the extreme liberal narrative of ‘nothing you do is good enough unless you reach our blessed heights.’ I’m a liberal and my fuck, it’s like being a vegan among vegans—you’re never fucking good enough. Lately, I feel like I’m back in church answering to some faceless god of morality claiming gloom and doom if ideas exist and it totally sucks. No wonder Trump is terrified of the media. It’s a system bigger than him capable of changing the narrative of the world, the narrative he can’t reflect off of. He chose his enemy and his enemy grows bigger because of it.

But the caveat? Even when a system changes, it’s still up to the individual to change, to let the old message go. To allow through their filter of the world for things to be different, for things to be fun and not so fucking serious. Ugh, everyone is so damn serious. Do you know how many authors I see resend newsletters over fucking typos? Typos. Gah. I had an old guy glaring at me Christmas Eve—the entire night—and only found out when he said goodbye that he was offended by my lipring. XD I had it for 10 years but he was certain it would be infected by tomorrow because something in his past made his perception of my reality look dangerous.

Our brains are the system of oppression we’re trapped in. We perceive the messages and give them importance enough to actually follow them. Every message out in the world was first conceived in someone’s mind, which was then expressed through language where other minds picked it up, decided it was important, and followed or rejected. I used to think a vow of silence was about being able to finally hear yourself; now I wonder if it’s to do no harm on the world through the influence of words. But the words aren’t the harm, it’s still the minds that turn them into something more and act upon that belief.

There are so many people out there afraid of their thoughts. I wonder when they’ll see that they choose to act, they choose to make thoughts into an action? They choose to believe a message and hold onto it, making it part of their identity.

We Are the Storyteller

In our brains live these realities, these perceptions, these characters born of narratives—I think you’ve all met my characters in stories. XD But just as I’m an obvious storyteller, we are all telling a story about the world and about ourself. We tell the story that our attraction and gender is a part of our identity, that our job gives us value, that our family is a reflection of ourself, that if we’re not liked then we are bad/lacking, that our face defines our beauty, that to lose everything is to really lose everything.

It can be so hard to break out of that story, to see that we still persist even when everything changes. Maybe that is the joy of reading. For me it is the joy of writing. I write freedom (sexy, dirty freedom, lol) for every character I conceive. Maybe to experience a narrative—any narrative—between pages feels safer, allows us to see how we can wiggle free of the story of our life and be something else—but safely, in our brains, because that is where that story lives.

The reality is, for all my intentions, I can only hope people find freedom in my books. For some, they may be perpetuating the cage they’re trapped in, seeing their own self dissatisfaction reflected in the characters and never following to where it’s okay to be okay with yourself. Lol, those outraged reviews from poor souls so angry about the sex or the swearing or the lack of consent or the typos; I don’t think they got it. XD Maybe a few more rounds in the story until they see it can’t hurt them, pleasure is actually pleasure no matter the circumstances in a story. Orgasm = good. My characters still seek freedom and I will still record it, but there is no way to control how any of it is perceived. It’s all in the reader’s mind.

The individual is the god of their story, their world, their life. As your personal storyteller, do you choose to be the hero, the victim, the protector, the caretaker, the child, the clown, the villain? Do you let it change or are you stuck with one identity, struggling to be more than your job or your role in a family or the thing that fucks your brain up? So many stories we write about life, but are any of them as satisfying as the ones where we learn to love ourselves? And… insert masturbation joke here. XD

I have rambled the fuck away. Today I’m an artist, an observer of life who seeks understanding in the name of freedom from my own brain. I hope in my little journey, you have found some too. Let the walls fall down and get some fresh air, eh?

The New Boy

An Iron Eagle Gym Novel

Lance Packet just got a contract to shoot an erotic BDSM deck of cards; the only problem is finding models. So far everyone he’s interviewed thinks he’s looking for sex for hire. Then in walk three perfect examples of men: Tide and his friends, Tyrone and Bran.

Tide Germaine is a model and a Dom. He and his best friend Tyrone opened The Iron Eagle Gym as a place for gay men in the lifestyle to work out, do scenes, and congregate with like-minded men. The modeling is just another job for Tide, but it soon turns into a grand seduction as Tide falls for the shy, self-conscious photographer. The problem is Lance doesn’t believe he’s in Tide’s league, and he’s not at all sure about the Dom and sub thing.

It’s not going to be easy, but Tide’s going to have to convince Lance he belongs at Tide’s side as both lover and sub.

A Night To Remember: Phoenix Wedding Night

A night of romance, passion, and love that they’ll never forget…

Love and passion are in the air as the newlywed couples share their first night together as husbands. Finally released from their celibacy pact, the men are more than ready for a long night of warm romance and heated love. But they aren’t the only ones sharing their hearts and their bodies as other couples, yet to be wed, make the most of this enchanting evening as well.

Note: This is an M/M romance and should be read by readers 18yo and above only.

 

 

The Drunk Email

Nick has had a crush on his older brother for as long as he could remember. Justin is just so perfect; handsome, strong with blond hair and blue eyes. It’s impossible to look anywhere else. Nick never thought he’d ever tell his brother how he felt. That was until Justin went on a school trip out of country and Nick got lonely and really drunk.

hc 20

DRAFT SCENE TWENTY

Was he growing horns? Motherfuck, he might be growing horns.

Sean gingerly touched the throbbing flesh of his forehead while trying to keep from swaying. The fever of yesterday had returned in full force. Wandering through the freezing cold city lost in Noct District wasn’t helping anything. He finally found Mystic Highrise but couldn’t bring himself to actually approach the building yet.

Sean groaned as his forehead pulsed painfully. It was either the world’s worst headache or he was growing horns. Fuck, he didn’t want to be here.

He was at what he hoped was a safe distance, ducked behind the fountain in the courtyard. Sean stared up at the dark, towering building, and if ever a building could stare back, Mystic Highrise did. The skyscraper was huge, taller than any other building in the area with Gothic flourishes hidden among the gargoyles that perched on its ledges. The numerous windows were tinted black and reflected the red and purple sky growing darker as each second ticked by.

It was sunset and a quiet, rather brilliant voice inside Sean whispered he should wait a little longer. If Magnolia was dead, she wouldn’t need rescuing. If she died he wouldn’t need to go running into a building full of terrible witches and their pet dragons to save her.

Unfortunately, Sean made a habit of ignoring the brilliant, if not selfish voice inside him. He leaned down and dipped his hands into the fountain and took another pass at his face with the chilling water. Eddy, the guy from the alley, had been kind enough to lend him his shirt for as long as he might be alive to need it. It was so generous during a time he expected the worst of people, Sean was still reeling from it. It almost relieved the awkwardness of being caught painfully hard in an alley while streaked in blood. Almost.

Eddy might have thought he had a shot at him. Fuck, if his tentacles were really tentacles, he just might. Even with Eddy’s weird hair, intimidating height and double-pupil eyes, Sean couldn’t help but check the guy out. His hair was too short, but if those tentacles could do even half the things Soot’s tails did…

It had to be the demon blood. Sean hadn’t felt right since Soot fed him his blood. He was so horny, and the world kept slipping by like maybe he was kinda drugged out his mind.

The shirt was nice, at least. It was a stylish gray button down with a few burgundy diagonal stripes that cut across his chest and shoulder. It readily came off of Eddy after Sean explained how his demon of a boyfriend ditched him in an alley over some stupid argument. For some reason that had been interesting. Apparently paranormals like Eddy thought the humans who dated demons was a thing. Like the wildest kink of the underworld.

Sean made sure his skin was clean of blood before combing fingers through his hair to pull the messy locks from his face. The shirt wasn’t exactly warm, but his fever seemed to be helping him not care. What really mattered was he looked presentable enough to get into that building. He needed to look normal, like a professional, not a desperate slob off the street looking to save a witch so he could get his life back.

He didn’t feel normal. His heart was pounding in his ears like a drum. He wanted to blame it on fear, on the very obvious likelihood this was going to get him killed—fuck, it was. He was totally going to die trying to get into that building. Still, it wasn’t enough to send him running in the opposite direction. It wasn’t enough to stop him from feeling like he was a one more chilling breeze away from running into the wilderness and never coming back.

Soot. He needed to find Soot. The fucker did something to him and it was only getting worse.

Sean slumped forward, his hand braced on the fountain’s edge as another wave of heat him. His gums pulsed around his new fangs, throat unbearably dry, muscles tight and straining in a way that made him feel puffy and feverish. Crazy. He felt crazy, and pissed off, and so freaking horny. The bastard left him hard and aching in an alley and didn’t come back. No, he just up and vanished.

And over what, exactly? He just said TJ’s name, the fucking emo dumbass. It wasn’t like Sean even had a chance with TJ. It wasn’t like it was ever going to be anything more but his pathetic crush. Not a reason to run off. Not a reason to—fuck, what did that damn demon do to him? He was aching all over.

The fountain danced before him, water flitting human shapes that twirled and spun in a cascade of magic fueled movement. Sean’s stomach churned warningly and he hunched and closed his eyes until the world stopped rocking.

He wasn’t sure how he was going to find Soot, but when he did, he was going to beat the fuck out of him. Soot didn’t just ruin his stuff, no, he destroyed his body. He changed his DNA. He stripped his humanity away like it wasn’t his to begin with. Not okay. Seriously, not okay. Yes, Sean might have some issues with relationships but he could honestly say he’d never stolen someone’s humanity away before.

The sun was a mere glow on the horizon behind the wall of skyscrapers. It would be nothing to just wait it out a little longer. Sean glared at his glossy reflection in the water, unable to ignore the strange sharpness to his pupils he could see far too clearly while during twilight and without his glasses. If he let Magnolia die—pain in the ass that she was—he’d never get back to normal. Either she had a spell to reverse what happened or she’d help him track Soot down. There was no way Sean would be able to find the demon if he left the planet and returned to whatever pit in hell he crawled out of. No, he had to do this.

Damn it, he never should have left his apartment. It was like his subconscious fucking knew the moment he went outside his life would turn to hell. Damn that cat.

Sean walked stiff-legged from the shelter of the fountain and across the concrete courtyard. The wide stairs led up to a disconcertingly symmetrical front entrance where flowering bushes, statues, and even the grass all seemed to mirror itself too perfectly. Sean’s eyes darted as he furtively watched the gargoyles who were hanging on the side of the towering building. They twisted and breathed, clearly spelled to ensure no one was confused the stone guardians were indeed alive and dangerous. Most of them were shaped like exotic serpentine dragons with tongues and tails that constantly undulated but never tangled. A few hulked, brutish gargoyles lurked at the top of the building, their shapes just barely made out in the fading light. Their dark presence was a weight waiting to fall, crush and maim whoever dared to come too close.

Dead birds littered the pavement at the base of the building, proof of the gargoyles indiscriminate protection. It was hard to stare at the lifeless bodies and not imagine being among the dead. Even wings didn’t allow those broken bird the power to escape the magic of this cruel, oppressive place. What little hope did he have?

Sean stopped his cautious steps before the four sets of gold-trimmed glass doors. A gargoyle crouched above the entrance and gravel sprinkled down as it slashed razor sharp claws into the stone for purchase. Eddy promised that just having held a witch’s wand that day would be enough to get past the magical guardians. It sounded possible at the time; Sean’s back pocket still vibrated like he might be slightly radioactive from holding Magnolia’s wand for so long. Now, staring at a creature with fangs longer than his fingers and far sharper, Sean wasn’t so sure. For all he knew, Eddy thought a nerd being eaten alive by a swarm of gargoyles was the funniest joke ever.

This was such a bad idea. He had no plan, no clue Sean fidgeted nervously and looked back the way he came. Well, fuck, what was he really going to do? Go back to his trashed apartment, grab what scraps were left of his life, and move in with TJ? Yeah, that wasn’t happening.

He was so screwed. Fucking cats. Fucking men. The combination of both in one beautiful, chaotic demon was the epitome of monstrous. Damn, he hated all these feelings. Once again his heart fucked him.

Sean squared his shoulders and turned to meet the gargoyle’s suspicious empty eyes. “Hey, I gotta get into that building. I have an appointment with a witch.” Or whatever. It was the damn help, after all, if even that. An over-sized guard dog, really. He wasn’t even sure gargoyles had the brains to understand language.

No response came from the stone dragon, and Sean shrugged and reached for the nearest door handle. A mistake. A hiss cut through the air and Sean gasped as something cold coiled around his shoulders. He froze, all the air rushing out of him at once as he felt the deadly power contained in the tail. His mind raced valiantly as he tried to think of a proper lie to keep him from being pulled up and into those deadly jaws and crushed.

Wrong door.

Sean yelped as he was propelled sideways without further explanation. He caught himself on the tinted glass and blinked up. The gargoyle had already turned away dismissively, its tail flicking back and forth in sweeping arcs. Coming back to himself, Sean snatched the door handle, pulled, and scurried inside the building. He exhaled heavily when the door shut behind him and he remained alive and not remotely maimed.

Crazy. This was utterly crazy. Just what the fuck was he planning on doing?

Sean pushed off the door and looked around as he tried to get his bearings. Mystic Highrise was like the majority of office buildings he’d been in, except this felt more like the lobby of an expensive hotel than a place of business. The floor was made of black, glossy tile with glittery gold grout. There was a bank of golden elevators to the left behind a reception desk surrounded by elegant black and purple roses. Sean bit his lip and stilled when he noticed the three receptionists across the room standing at the desk.

It would be impossible to slip past them without being seen. Not that he knew wherever the fuck he needed to go. Without Jamie to call, he was absolutely out of his depths.

No point turning back now, right? Not unless he wanted to jump back outside with those giant stone monsters and see if they thought he still smelled like magic.

Sean’s footsteps echoed uncomfortably loud in the large entry hall as he slowly crossed to the desk. He needed a plan, some sort of brilliant lie, but his mind kept drawing a blank. If he could find a way to get to Magnolia and… and what? He had no wand or way to contact Jamie. He wasn’t even sure what was going to happen to the witch. Did draining magic actually kill a person? Was it like stealing blood?

Sean would readily admit he was terrible under stress. This always happened to him. He didn’t test well, and all his arguments turned into huge freakouts because he could never keep his shit together. And really, why should he expect this to go any better? He was dressed like a vagabond while in the middle of professional luxury, covered in wounds, dirt and blood, and he was totally going to be thrown out by security. That, or shot… spelled? Witch security probably spelled. Bet it hurt even more. So he was going to be spelled and kicked out on his ass, and while he was eaten alive by gargoyles, Magnolia would be drained. Game over, no respawn, no do over.

“Can I help you?”

“Uh, what?” Sean started and blinked rapidly. At some point he must have made it to the receptionist desk. The scent of roses was a noxious perfume as his eyes fixed on a young, impeccably groomed man behind the desk. Fuck, he was so under-dressed. Jeans were not the right choice to saving a witch from this place. The receptionist’s young age might have set Sean at ease except he was standing stiff as a board while wearing a suit. There was a headset attached to his ear and Sean had a moment to wonder if security would be called as the guy’s expression soured to impatience the longer he floundered for words. His critical stare of Sean’s state of being wasn’t helping.

“State your business,” the receptionist snapped impatiently. “Hurry up, now.”

“Uh, I’m Sean Slater,” he finally managed to blurt out. Sean’s eyes widened immediately after and he clicked his mouth shut. He hadn’t wanted to tell anyone that. He was there to rescue Magnolia, and giving his name was totally going to put him in danger if the police became involved.

Would the police be involved? There was a dragon. The police should be involved, but then, hadn’t Jamie said something about a body needing to be found first?

Oh, hell, would it be his body?

“And what do you do, Sean Slater?” The receptionist sighed when Sean stared back blankly, panic clear in his green eyes. “State your business. Are you looking for a mage, a sage, a necromancer? What do you want?” he practically growled. “You do have an appointment, correct?”

Death. This was totally going to lead to death. “IT.” Sean coughed awkwardly, his voice a rasp of nerves. “I’m with IT.”

“Oh.” The receptionist blinked pale eyes and raised his hand to touch a finger to the headset hooked to his ear. He fixed his sharp gaze on Sean as he listened to whoever was talking on the other end.

Sean’s mind raced as he tried to think of something to follow up with. I’m here to save Magnolia seemed a little too on the nose. I need to speak to Divia? He wasn’t sure who was the enemy just yet. If he gave away…

“Mr. Slater, we’ve been expecting you.”

“What?” Sean took an involuntary step back. He looked to the other two employees, a woman and an even younger boy who was glowing with magic, to see if they were already calling for backup to capture him. Sean’s pulse calmed a little when he saw they weren’t paying him any attention but instead staring at screens as they typed away.

“We’ve been waiting on IT for over two hours now. Becky, ring her up.” The receptionist’s voice turned clipped as he addressed his colleague and moved out from behind the desk. “With me, Mr. Slater. Hurry up. Time is of the essence. It does not do to keep her waiting.”

“Her?” Sean parroted as he got his wobbly knees to work enough to follow after. He wasn’t fully sure his brain was working as it should. Everything was too hot, and his headache was much worse when he moved.

The receptionist stepped briskly to the set of elevators, stopped, and pulled a key from his pocket, which he inserted it a slot above the elevator buttons. “She’s in a foul mood, so don’t get too chatty. The tech has been iffy all day and no one can get a signal in the building. It’s thrown off schedule of everything.” Pale eyes pierced accusingly, as if Sean first destroyed all their tech just to come in and fix it. Sean would have taken it personally, but it was not the first time he’d gotten such looks. People got really pissed when they couldn’t get Internet.

The elevator chimed open and Sean stared into the small, golden room. “Uh.”

“She’s expecting you.” The receptionist glared when Sean refused to move. “It took you two hours to get here. The least you can do is actually get the job done,” he muttered under his breath as he shoved Sean by the shoulder.

Sean grabbed the elevator wall before he could slam his nose into it and whirled, his eyes wide. The condescending look on the receptionist face didn’t alleviate his fears of having just entered the gaudiest coffin ever. Sean watched as the young man reached in and pushed a button and withdrew his hand. The doors began to close and Sean fought a whimper.

“Wait. Where am I going?” he asked desperately before the doors could close.

The hand returned as did the scathing glare of the receptionist as he held the elevator open. “Are you insane or just stupid?”

“Uh…” Sean wasn’t sure how he wanted to answer such a question. He was feeling pretty damn crazy at the moment. “I’m new?”

“Of course you are. Fucking cowards.” The receptionist moved on before Sean could ask what he meant. “Mr. Slater, the union will protect you from being killed by someone like me. It doesn’t mean Divia will put up with any nonsense. Do your job and get out.”

“Divia?” Oh, fuck. Sean bit his lip. “Do you mean…?”

“There is only one Divia and I have no interest in being at the wand end of her bitch rant because you want to blather. Go. Now.” He released the elevator door. Sean lunged to stop it from closing but was too slow. The elevator lurched and he grabbed the wall as it began to ascend.

Crap. Crap, he was so screwed.

New Freebies Of The Month! 💋

It’s my anniversary!

8 years now—and let me say what a fucking achievement that is. I started dating Brian 8 years ago during a time when my PTSD was out of control, my parents were recently dead, and I was just a few months out of pulling myself free of homelessness, a psych ward, and an ex girlfriend/borderline drug addict. I was quite clearly not looking for love. Love didn’t give a fuck; it never does.

Through our long term relationship, we both learned about a year in (once the honeymoon phase was over) that living for another person was going to kill us both. XD Seriously, don’t do this. I know it is so easy; we were young and everything around said to be a ‘couple was to compromise who you are.’ No. Fucking no. That’s a compromise on the ego, not a compromise about taking care of yourself and ignoring who you are, and too few people understand that. Your partner does not exist to complete you, complement you, share your interests, or hold your hand through life. They exist, you exist, and where you meet in the middle is fucking awesome but if you force the two of you to stay there 24-7, the rest of you will atrophy and die until that relationship is an ugly wound of bitterness and hate. Relationships are non-entities; don’t turn them into something bigger than the beings meeting and loving.

It took us a few years to figure that all out, and then I got sick. Four years of sick. Four years, to the point that I try not to call Brian my boyfriend lately because I still have it in my head that any kind of attachment to me while I was a sliver of my former self is just going to drag him into misery and illness. The last year of me regaining health has also been a very tentative year of renaming how we see each other. And it’s going to continue to be a slow process because some shit just doesn’t change over night. I watched 4 vibrant beings be consumed by illness and eventually die, and I am well aware from the outside it was what I looked like. Until I got that mold toxicity diagnosis and actually started to treat my severe allergies, we had no idea why all my other treatments weren’t working and it was just waiting to see when it was going to end. That is a lot of weight to put on the people who love me. Four years of that weight.

There are a lot of things in life we don’t get to choose, but we’re still around to experience. I have had the opportunity to watch an amazing man struggle, grow stronger, and find himself while the world shakes around us. His resilient spirit and easy laugh has made the overwhelming bearable, even though I fear he sacrificed too much of himself in his need to save me. It’s that thing we do where we live through others and ignore our own needs. I still have the greatest joy when I see the ones I love succeed and find peace with their inner demons. Even though I’m dedicated to growing and being the best person I can be, a part of that is so the people around me won’t suffer by being around the not so great me who shows up once in a while.

Puerto Rico

It’s going to be months before Puerto Rico has their electric grid up. Since Fema has been removing data of what’s happening from their own website, I thought I’d share the Puerto Rico website where you can get the stats on their situation and a way to donate. It’s actually pretty interesting to see their goals, priority being clean water. It’s really easy to take that tap water for granted until you lose it and you’re dehydrating.

I feel like I’ve spent the last 6 months watching and growing used to Trump being a toddler. Every time he acts out, the consequences never seem to follow the way we fear. Puerto Rico isn’t the same, and I think it’s important to remind us all of that. Trump refusing to even look the German Chancellor in the eye like some petulant child even though she’s been called the leader of the free world won’t result in the possible devastation that can happen on one small island if they don’t get the help they need. It’s really easy to put our energy into our anger and outrage instead of into being constructive. It’s human nature, like mob mentality. It’s easy to feed the reaction to the outrageous instead of doing something about it. We’re better than that, but it takes waking up to realize it. If I donated a nickel for every time I said something bad about Trump, well, I’d be broke, that’s for sure. XD

So, if you’re wondering how to channel your rage after seeing Trump go down to Puerto Rico, have himself a self-congratulatory circle jerk, and then leave four hours later, I suggest donating. You’ll feel like you’re doing something instead of stewing in bitterness and misery.

Website stuff

Freebie of the Month is The Autumn Prince! I’ve added Liem’s story from Demon Bonded #9 in there too (which reminds me I haven’t updated the ARC site yet. @[email protected] So much stuff to remember. I need to start writing things down.) Hellcat has started. Subscribers can read as I write it up on the website. My goals are to get Intangible and Hellcat finished this month and hopefully republish City Howls so I can write the next episode.

Oh, Demencious Saga is published, so for those who don’t want to shell out for the first 4 episodes of Demon Bonded, you can get the bundle for cheap, basically 1/2 the price. I want to keep my focus on Hellcat and get that fic out by Halloween, so I don’t expect to have Apprentice Saga republished (it’s all about making a cover) until the beginning of September. Sorry for the delay, just, I can only juggle so much.

Don’t miss the books below. I hope you all have an amazing weekend. I’m going to be spending mine with Brian being a total nerd and loving it. <3

Demencious Saga by Sadie Sins

This book contains episodes #1-4 from Demon Bonded, titled ‘Something Waiting In The Dark,’ ‘Breathing Under The Bed,’ ‘The Killer Wardrobe,’ and ‘Magnificent Night,’ and includes the bonus episode, ‘Far From Home.’ Previously published from 2015-1016, these episodes have been reedited and republished.

Demencious Saga is the first saga in the mm erotic world of Demon Bonded. This serial is a fun, suspenseful play on monster collecting and male harems. Expect demon bonding, master/slave relationships of mild and abusive nature, multiple partners, magical powers, learning how to be a sorcerer, and conflict with crueler demon masters.

 

College Omega’s Secret Baby by Dex Bass

Alpha professor Alan Archer is king of his world, until a winsome nineteen-year-old omega freshman upends his confidence. Nobody talked to Professor Archer like that before. And Professor Archer never thought he could be attracted to a student. But freshman omega Os is so different from all the other students.

Os came to college to get away from the stigma of being an omega. Nobody knows how unsure of himself he used to be. Nowadays, he’s owning being an omega. Just barely, if his insecurities don’t eat him up.

Alan and Os’s professor-student love brings a pregnancy that has to be kept out of sight. Alan and Os manage college, busybodies, and all the travails of pregnancy, on their journey together to fatherhood and forever love.

College Omega’s Secret Baby is a non-shifter male pregnancy romance with a sweet college student, an arrogant professor, endless cuddling, a secret pregnancy, pink-nosed bunny slippers, an adorable baby girl, and a feel-good HEA.

Enemies With Benefits by Joanna Chambers and Annika Martin– Free

They’re dangerous men. Absolute enemies. And totally hot for each other.

Two years ago, the men in Will’s unit were killed in an ambush because they were betrayed. Now Will has a chance to go after the corrupt billionaire who sold them out.
One problem: the billionaire’s bodyguard. Nobody knows what he looks like; they only know him by the trail of bodies he leaves behind.

Will their passion destroy them both?

Kit’s a hardened assassin who’ll do what it takes to protect his boss. But when Will moves on the billionaire at an elite party, things with Will and Kit take an unexpected—steamy—twist.
Now Kit has to convince Will to walk away–from his quest for justice, and from the red-hot passion that’s spinning out of control.

Super Big News!!! 🐙

Blackthorne is being featured on Instafreebie Sept. 25th!

Hey peeps,

I received a surprising email this Monday right when I was in the middle of setting up the edit for Demon Bonded #7. Blackthorne, front page of the Instafreebie blog, Monday Sept 25th. Free for all (Monday, Monday, Monday!) and I damn near fell out of my chair. Wow. Super wow. I knew what I had to do immediately, which was drop everything, make a new cover, and edit the fuck out of Blackthorne.

Check out the new cover. Bet you get a better idea what the story is about, and hey, Mason! <3

I started with a superficial edit, which is me going through with the search and replace function and finding all the stylized ‘boys,’ ‘blonds,’ ‘brunettes,’ ‘thats,’ etc, etc and cleaning up the language. Then I actually slowed down, cracked Blackthorne open and started a line edit from the beginning. I realized around Wednesday I was rewriting the story.

Babes, the mold fucked my head. Hardcore. You know how sometimes you want to say something but the words that come out of your mouth are a garble? You know what you want to say, it’s clear in your head, but for whatever reason, your ability to express is lacking. But, let’s say that happens and you don’t realize you’re not expressing yourself properly because you have mold poisoning? Yeah, hi, that would be me. I keep thinking about Monet who painted while he had cataracts, and once they were removed, he flipped out because his paintings didn’t look remotely like he intended. All the strokes were there but the colors, light and shadow came from a skewed perspective.

Apparently the place I was when I wrote Demon Bonded was far better than the place I was when I wrote Blackthorne and I didn’t know until I really looked at it. The story structure, conflict, ideas, and intentions are all there, I just didn’t realize how lacking my ability to express them were at the time. For real, I’m kinda glad I wasn’t aware how degraded my mental functioning was when living it, because I might not have bothered, I might not have tried to write and express and get my stories out there because I’d be too busy thinking I was ‘broken.’ So yeah, it’s been a huge wakeup call this week, but at the same time, a strong message of what you can do when you are far from perfect. There’s no point waiting for everything to align, for you to know all you can stuff in your head and think then things are going to just click. You gotta start now, imperfect, untried and struggle. You might not be here tomorrow, you might never start at all if you keep waiting for ‘the right time.’

Once I realized the amount of work required to get Blackthore where I wanted it couldn’t be completed in time of the giveaway, and with some wonderful advice from the amazing nerd who fixed my laptop—love you, babe <3, I decided on a unique solution. I’d include the extensively edited chapters I started on the first quarter of Blackthorne and keep the lightly edited text up until the end, and add a link so readers can download through Instafreebie the fully edited version once I complete it. (Aiming for the end of Oct, but it depends on how quick I can write HellCat.) That way I get my current work completed, Blackthorne isn’t rushed, people still get a completed novel with the promise of a higher quality just a little later, and I don’t break myself. I’m so sick of breaking.

Expect a special reminder Newsletter on Monday to get the new Blackthorne. Instafreebie really encourages authors to self-promote; it’s a symbiotic relationship, and let’s face it, I’m super fucking excited about this! I still feel amazing, btw; the L-Glutamine seems to be holding steady and I’m just getting stronger and sharper as I go. My allergy symptoms are turning into what normal people experience; stuffy nose and ouchy sinuses instead of collapsing and falling asleep. And I’m relaxed; I feel so content with my life lately. Cool beans.

Cat Trouble

It has been a tough week on my cats. One has gone super skinny and after a trip to the vet we discovered Lucy (Lucifur) has broken a tooth and is reaching an age where she needs more food, exercise and calories. I guess older cats require kitten attention to maintain weight. I’m not too concerned cuz her behavior is still the same, but we had a moment of fear about parasites or hyperthyroidism (common as cats age.)

My cat Warlock, the wonderful lug has been, uh, kinda disgusting, poor thing. It’s all coming out both ends XD and it’s a toss up between cuddling him until he’s better and wiping him down. I don’t know what the hell he got into but he is fighting some sort of bug. He seemed more energetic today, so I think things are looking up.

Oh, and my chromebook has been fixed! I guess plugging it into the damaged front yard outlet where it sparked like a mofo killed both the plug and the port. But since the port isn’t connected permanently to the motherboard, it was replaceable. It’s such a relief. I can write on the PC but it’s just not the same ease. I like to curl up and relax while the words flow. I already feel more like myself.

Grab Those Goodies!

Don’t miss the $0.99 books and freebie below. They look super cute this week.

Also, I never think to add this, but if you’re an mm author, be it brand new or established, and you have a book you’re promoting, please feel free to contact me. This newsletter is all about getting gay, affordable books into the hands of readers. This is a niche market, and sometimes the only thing that keeps writers afloat is when other authors pitch in and help new books be seen. <3

Would it Be Okay to Love You?

A robot fanboy. An erotic voice actor. When love comes calling, will they shed their armor?

Sato’s only long-term relationship is the one he shares with his Gundam collectibles. He dreams about the kind of unconditional love his parents enjoy. If only he could break out of his shell, he might find his special someone…

Outgoing playboy Aoi has sworn off relationships. He knows they only distract him from his budding voice acting career. He’s earned a few loyal fans, and if he keeps at it, he may even earn enough to never worry about being evicted again…

When Sato meets Aoi at the local anime store, there’s definitely a spark. But even as they tread carefully, their commitment issues and Aoi’s troubled past soon muck things up before they can start. In order for Sato and Aoi to have their happily-ever-after, they’ll both have to take a leap of faith… and hope to be caught.

Jagged Edge: Jason and Raine – M/M romance

I don’t want Jason Vega.
Not at all.
It’s the worst idea ever.
Ah hell…

Jason is handsome. Smart. Dangerous. Hot.
He’s goddamn gorgeous—but he’s also sleeping on the street, hanging out with the local biker gang and selling his body for a living.
Our lives, our paths couldn’t be further apart. I’m crawling toward the light, while he’s falling into the dark.
But it doesn’t matter how different we are, or what logic dictates.
I really shouldn’t want Jason Vega—but I just can’t stop.
He’s under my skin, and sinking deeper…

Trigger Warning: violence and sexual abuse
This is a M/M (gay) romance and it tells the story of Jason and Raine whom you may have met in JESSE (Damage Control 2) and OCEAN (Damage Control 5). It is super hot, and angsty, and violent, but with a guaranteed Happy Ever After.

2015 Top Ten Gay Romance

2015 Top Ten Gay Romance brings together the most popular short stories (based on sales) published by JMS Books that year.

From first love to true love, from submission to sensual, from heat to sweet and everything in between, the couples in these stories are sure to keep you turning the pages as you fall in love with them.

With stories by J.M. Snyder, J.L. Merrow, Edward Kendrick, Hunter Frost, Drew Hunt, Lisa Gray, A.R. Moler, Rebecca James, Jeff Adams, and J.D. Walker, this head-over-heels collection goes beyond bedtime reading. Whether happily ever after or happy for now, there’s an ending for everyone in here!

updates

Updates At A Glance

Current Writing Goals

Teddy

Episode #3

#12 #13

Hellcat

Book #1

#28 #29

Demon Bonded

Coven Saga

#8 #9 #10 #11

City Howls

Episode #4

#11 #12 #13 #14 #15

Sorcerer Slayer

Novel <3

draft next scenes

Awakening

Free Novel

draft next scenes

February 16

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Teddy #10!
I’m trying something else new lately and liking it. Forget the whole scene post draft thing–I’m just posting as I go. Like if I were typing on the website and updating, except the website lags so I transfer all writing for the day onto the website. It’s this bullshit of completion that fucks me up. My brain gets neurotic, it wants to feel like it accomplished something, and if it doesn’t reach the set ‘goal’ the first day, it loses motivation the next. It starts seeing everything as a goal unable to reach. Hopefully this will remove that bullshit.

Also, great to discover during the last half of year during that time of getting better through mold toxicity, I was obsessed with a perfection of presentation. I thought patterns of writing were wrong, that I needed to present the text in a way that conformed to other writing that lacked those patterns. My brain was obsessed with this endeavor. It had labeled a certain presentation as the only ‘right’ writing and would not accept any other form–and was being quite a miserable bitch about the entire thing, might I add.

I have apparently gotten the fuck over that. Thank fuck! XD Here’s hoping that mentality remains. It’s far more fun to write when not being a critical bitch to oneself.

Oh, and I made a picture of KY!

February 12

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Made my first art video! <3
First one is Lovely! Going to do this for all the Demon Bonded characters.

Lovely Speedpaint

February 10

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Hellcat #27 is up in the Library!
Finally, fucking finally–and only because I broke the damn thing into two scenes. This fucking scene turned into a damn near 10,000 words. Oh, what, I write 10,000 word books? Why yes, yes I do. This sex scene turned into a fucking book all on it’s own.

Lol, it might be way too fucking long. I don’t know. I’m done looking at the fucking thing right now. No more breaks, no more questions or doubts–we’ll be lucky is I stop long enough to get a newsletter out this weekend. I’m finishing this fucking book. I’ve got fucking shit to do already. Rawr!

*** reread it. It’s exactly as long as it needs to be. Fucking sexy. <3

February 7

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Wendy’s cover!
The second book in The Fantastic Immortals Series by Wendy Rathbone is written, and I needed to get her cover done asap. It feels pretty badass, imo. <3 Now to get back to Hellcat!

February 5

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Draft of Hellcat #27!
I forgot how trying these long sex scenes can be, especially when they also serve the purpose of tying up a lot of the final threads in a story. It’s all plotting and planning and I keep expecting it to go faster and it just doesn’t. :/ But the draft has all the element in the right order now (finally!) and I hope to have it all cleaned up tomorrow… or maybe write the draft of the last scene and then flesh them both out. We’ll see.

February 4

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Fucking comments…
Sorry for anyone who has made comments the last week or so… at least a week, I think. The software I use decided to just disconnect itself and yeah, now all those comments are gone the moment I reconnected. I dunno. I think this is my last straw with Disqus. I just want shit to work, I don’t want to have to fiddle or fight with it. If it’s not making my life easier and instead pissing me off to frustration, I don’t see the point in keeping it around… Although, it was super nice when it worked. Like, that was the whole fucking point of it. XD Ahhh *sigh*

February 2

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Hellcat #26

Finally–fucking finally! Gah, okay, so Soot gets his name and his voice back and our lovely shapeshifter finally speaks his mind. Now to see what will happen to poor TJ. *eyebrow waggle*

I feel more myself today. Every time I leave the bedroom, my allergies flare up. So I just stopped leaving the bedroom and voila! I feel like myself again. XD Ah, it’s amazing what a little inflammation in the body can do to mood, thought, perception of the world, etc. Mental clarity is so quickly sacrificed with an allergic response.

February 1

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Hellcat #25

Okay, had to redo Hellcat #25. I was in the middle of a 2 hour car ride the other night in which I realized Magnolia would never just give in like that. Even chained and threatened with death. Logic has nothing to do with it, that chick just has to win at everything. This version feels more honest to her, lol, and a bit more drama.

February 1

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Delayed…
Hey, babes. So, my foster sister died. I wasn’t really expecting it to effect me. We weren’t particularly close outside of a shared history, shared understanding. She was one of the few I went to school with…

Anywho, I’m buckling down today. Expect updates soon.

January 27

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Teddy #9 and Hellcat #25
Alright, I’m totally loving this new approach to writing. Why? Because I can erase the scenes I complete like checking them off in a To Do list! I feel so accomplished. XD Lol, I’m easily amused. <3

January 25

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Teddy draft #13
Okay, so it was tough to post this cuz it’s the last scene in an episode not written–so hard for me to get my brain to allow me to put the cart before the horse, so to speak. But I’m doing it cuz it’s what I wrote and I gotta just fucking do things and stop being such a fucking perfectionist.

I want to flesh out the draft of an episode first and then edit it as a final draft all in one go. New technique… or so I say, cuz who the fuck knows what I’ll actually do, eh? XD Which is why I’m doing the writing goal thing. Episode at a time so even if it’s a little out of order initially, the focus is the same for completion.

January 24

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Writing Goals
Okay, so the start of a new system. The idea is the stories under the Writing Goal area will change depending on what I’m working on at the time. I’ll list the scene drafts once I post them with the idea that they will be finalized before I switch out a serial story for another one. A focus on episode completion, I guess. Sorcerer Slayer and Awakening will be staples (the hope being to update consistently–er, once Hellcat is out of the way. One novel at a time, please. XD)

I think it’ll help keep me on track without being so neurotic that I go batshit. XD I can jump from these 6 stories, and once an episode is complete I can feel safe to jump to another option. I’d like to approach the novels in an episode style as well, basically 5 or so scenes each time. I work well in writing jaunts instead of slogs, lol. But yeah, let’s give it a shot and see how things go. I’m feeling pretty excited about it all. <3

January 23

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City Howls drafts #11-15 Teddy’s Naughty Adventures drafts #9-13
This is basically the next episodes in draft and outline form. I’m trying something new writing wise and I guess we’ll see how it works out. I need something more goal oriented. Novels always fuck me up–Hellcat wasn’t supposed go past 30,000 words. And yeah, I love its new form but I just feel like I’m not finishing anything. I wanted to be working on serials while writing Sorcerer Slayer, somehow Hellcat replaced everything, and yeah, I’m not thrilled about it all. @[email protected] Time just slips away. I remember why I was holding back on the serials–I wanted to ‘fix’ the first few episodes of everything first like I did with Demon Bonded. You know, another reason not to get to the writing part of things. Seriously, I gotta find a way to trick my brain to do anything most days. XD

So, we’ll see if this works. I want to put the drafts up, and try to get a few scenes done a week on top of the novel writing. The current novel is Hellcat, the next one will be Sorcerer Slayer. After that, I’m thinking that Demon Virus remake of sexiness before jumping into the Sorcerer Slayer sequel (which I have no name yet but is all about Theodore kicking and screaming as he finds his mate. <3) 5 scenes in a serial can be a 10,000 word episode, it can be something completed so I don’t feel like I’m wading around in the dark never completing anything. I had hoped I wouldn’t need that as a writer, that’s why I liked the subscription model of writing whatever. I’m seeing now that a part of me works better with the structure of goals. Small, attainable goals that add up into series and such. Because seriously, these long ass novels feel like winter, you know? I’m just waiting for a spark, some bright sunshine and happy weather and life and it’s just a blur of grimy slush outside.

January 22

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Demon Bonded Coven Saga drafts #8-11
These are pretty rough drafts but I want to get them up, get my brain focused. The reality is, I write the shit I know really fucking fast, and I know Demon Bonded. I keep pushing myself to do things a certain way and keep discovering how fucking much I suck at it. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I guess I just love to learn the hard way. I decided I’m not allowed to move forward until Hellcat is done, yet I’m struggling with Hellcat and nothing is getting done. I know, fucking dumb. Lol, feeling like Ky today, little bit.

I think you guys are going to like the next episode of Demon Bonded. The draft of scene #11 cuts off in the middle of an upcoming sex scene. I’m not sure how far I want to go with it, to be honest. Ky’s being a resistant brat, still very pissed off about everything even if he’s already decided to do the ‘right thing’ and fight for the Relics. I want Magnificent to give him a wakeup call, but I just don’t think Mag is ready to handle such a bitchy Ky just yet. XD

January 21

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Hellcat #4-5 rewrite
Wow, I really didn’t realize how devoid of the characters the first scenes really are. I’m staring at scene 6 and I’m a little shocked with myself. I remember when I decided to attack Hellcat in a new way when first starting this story, I wanted to reveal the characters instead of just dumping all their inner thoughts on the reader like I normally do. I think I went overboard. I didn’t realize just how little Sean thinks about anything outside of his panic.

No wonder it was so hard to flesh him out; again, I was ignoring the ways I knew it would work for this ‘ideal’ of having it different. How silly. XD I forgot to let him react out of past issues, not just to the current situation. That is a character–his actions are all old software from his past that he repeats again and again in new circumstances until he finally finds a way free of his own bullshit thanks to the plot. It’s the tension of wondering if he’s going to just fuck himself all over again that’s more interesting than the simple reveal of why he’s fucked up. The info is needed in the beginning to allow for empathy, and goodness, I just didn’t do the work. ^^ But what fun to find it now!

January 19

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Hellcat #1-3 rewrite–so fucking worth it!
So when I decided to go back and sex up Hellcat, I kind of ignored the first few scenes. Then, as I approached the ending and tried to get a feel for TJ and Sean’s relationship, I was upset. There was nothing to suggest the level of intensity that Sean has bubbling, or the kinda obsessive clinging TJ has for Sean. I wanted to see that first, so when it all culminates, it’s far more interesting.

I used to be intrigued by other artists (drawing/painting) who would be surprised to learn an artist scrapped an earlier idea, they let it go and allowed the drawing to be something else–something ultimately better because of it. It’s hard from a creative mindset to do that. We look at our creations as something to cling to, to identify, and not only do we judge ourselves if it doesn’t reach a certain standard, but we can choke hold that poor creation so tight, it doesn’t have an ability to change and grow.

This, I think is what I really admire about Jen, an author I chat with, because she is always so ready to go into a script and chop it the fuck up so it can be something even more amazing. Not only that, it seems to come from this place of excitement–I get to make it be something even better!–instead of frustration. I want that more in my life. I didn’t realize I clung to writing the way I saw artists cling to drawings. Like those first sketch lines have to stay, have to fucking mean something instead of being allowed to evolve. I found the characters later in the book and now I need to put them in the beginning, otherwise, it might not be that good of a story.

I think if I cling less to what I ‘want’ the story to be (in many a case, done–just be done already!!! XD) and focus more on letting the story be what it wants to be, the process can be far more enjoyable. And… I might feel a little self conscious because I’m sharing all the draft work online. A little part of me wonders ‘do people see me change things and think I’m a bad writer?’ XD Well, if they do, they do. Lol. I got to this point in Hellcat where I realized I want the mood of the sequel to feel like HEAT, where Sean is going to go completely obsessive over TJ, and really, how can we have so much fun without the first book leading up to it? XD You gotta give a character something to grow from or it just looks like they’re standing still.

January 18

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Paperbacks
Got distracted. XD I suddenly realized I hadn’t actually ever put Apprentice Saga into print, and hey–I got the new, pretty covers and the series is all edited, and yeah, wtf, Sadie? Get on that shit.

…They look a bit like manga covers, eh? <3 I used to read manga voraciously–I think it inspired a lot of themes in the Demon Bonded series, actually. Ah, nerding. XD

January 17

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Introducing the Dick Filter XD
I’m sitting here about to tackle the next scene in Hellcat and looking back at previous scenes going, huh, was that really sexy enough, did I convey Sean’s desires well enough to push the tension forward? How would I fix it? I know, I need a Dick Filter! Lol.

There are these parts of the character you filter events through to provide motivation, and sometimes certain scenes loudly get certain parts responding. A problem requires the brain, a conflict requires the heart. But the body is present in all things, and given this is an erotic story, I’d like to see that sexy, obsessive, absolutely selfish desire get represented more. So once I finish this draft, right before the final, final edit, I’m going to go through and see what a dick filter will do for each scene. XD

I think it’ll be fun, especially in those beginning intro scenes. <3 I have this idea of how Sean has been lusting over TJ and it’s supposed to make him act like an asshole to his friend, but I never really show it. I want to show that perspective where Sean’s repressed desires make him a total asshole, and how TJ is really just a sweet fuck for putting up with it (and maybe a masochist, at that. >D) Funny how sometimes you don’t find the characters until the end, then you have to go back and put them into the beginning.

January 16

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Whoot, this baby is over 70,000 words atm. @[email protected] I’m boggled. I wasn’t expecting Hellcat to be a fucking novel, just a short. Fucking showed me and my expectations. XD Looks like 3, maybe 4 scenes left to go depending on how I break up the ending. Squee, super excited! Also, let me just throw this out there for my own dumbass expectations, 3-4 months isn’t a bad amount of time to write a novel, at all. I don’t know why I keep expecting shit to magically manifest overnight (no matter how useful and awesome that would be.) It takes as long as it takes.

Speaking of which, guess whose been whispering (and arguing) in my ear lately? Fox and Vincent. Totally not having a mental breakdown–joys of being a writer, this is normal! They’re getting ready to take over writing time. I want to read through their story once again. I have this vague idea of the ending, and I think that’s where I’m getting hesitant. I had this same problem with Demon Arms, actually. I wrote the majority of the book, then stopped for half a year–yeah, no one knew I was writing that novel so there wasn’t anyone to kindly point out to get back on track. I needed to let the characters stew and figure out where they wanted to go before I actually sent Wylie and Dorian into that mirror to save Beck.

I have a feeling my plans laid out for the current ending to Sorcerer Slayer are going to be completely usurped by the characters by the time we all get to those final chapters. And fuck, it’ll be amazing for it, pretty sure. I loved how Demon Arms ended just as much as it began. It’s worth the extra time to let the characters figure their shit out enough to show up and play. <3

January 14

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Site Update
Doing some major updates on the site, atm. It’s not something visual–a link issue of epic proportions that will make life ultimately easier with this caching bullshit. But as I go through the process you might see some issues as pages move, links update, caching fucks things up, etc. Apologies. I’ll try to be as quick as possible.

January 13

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Hellcat #22
So I ended up sculpting the end of Hellcat, aka, outlining and drafting the last… six, maybe seven scenes depending on how it flows. Sorry for the delay, but apparently my brain wouldn’t let me go forward until I had it all set up first. It’s going to be at least another 10,000 words by the time I’m done.

I might try something new this time around where the editing process involves the final draft process as well. I edit by running the story through the speech function on Word to catch any mistakes, but also to hear how the story sounds aloud, if it has the right rhythm I like–if shit makes sense. XD Lol. I might just combine drafting with that final check just to see if I can’t speed things along. I want this book done already, to be honest. I already have the sequel planned (Sean becoming a daddy, Soot fighting Magnolia for the keys to his castle, so to speak, and of course, corrupting TJ–as well as abducting him.) It’ll be fun, but planned for later. The guys from Sorcerer Slayer are getting impatient, damn it.

January 9

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Hellcat #20-21
Alright, so I posted them as drafts but they’re pretty much done in their current form. Weee, getting to the good stuff! Oh, and I think I just about have the final blurb ready for the book. It was hard to pick the voice to go with, the angle–It really is the tough part when writing a book. I know all the ups and downs, the plot, the twists, etc, and you look at a blurb and you want to say it all at once. Ugh. It’s so much easier when you have no clue what the book is about in a lot of ways to just pick a perspective and go with it. I think I got the gist in this blurb–and if not, I love the quirkiness of it all. XD

Sean knows what those wicked, hellfire eyes want. Him, on his knees, taking every finger, tongue, tail, and tentacle.

This is what being corrupted by a demon feels like. It has to be. Sean’s not supposed to have fangs, damn it, or know magic. And this bs where he’s horny and begging all the time? No, not freaking happening. He’s just a nerd—a hot, gay, totally panicky IT specialist, who needs to find a solution to his destroyed business, asap. He doesn’t have time for whatever weird this shape-shifting demon is into. Soot can’t just claim him whenever he wants, over and over again. He’s about to be homeless!

If he doesn’t save a witch from a psycho, it’s game over. But Sean’s changing, turning into someone he doesn’t recognize. He’s not sure if he can play hero, not even when Soot abducts his painfully straight crush to the top of a tower full of witches, gargoyles, and one very pissed off dragon.

There has to be a way out. Stealing a 3 million dollar hellcat isn’t a binding contract to be a sex thrall, no matter how much his demon master disagrees.

January 6

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New laptop!
Okay, I love the damn thing. I mean, it’s heavy as fuck compared to the chromebook and I need to care about things like the fan and stuff–but hey, cozy in this freezing winter atm. <3 But fuck, it makes updating the site so much easier. So freaking much, you can’t even understand. I usually do anything coding on the PC cuz my chromebook was so laggy. So much on that chromebook was a compromise out of necessity instead of making life easy.

I don’t know why I cling to shit that makes life difficult, but I do. Here’s to letting go of old shit and embracing new things. Now back to Hellcat!

January 3

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well fuck…
This is why we backup. I didn’t backup every single freaking thing because I didn’t think the problem was this big, but I got pretty much everything of significance. Guess I’ll be computer shopping tomorrow. Can’t mount the croot even after updates and fucking around running down every anomaly it’s spouting. Maybe it’s time to give windows/word a shot instead of depending on pieced together never quite full programs… Not sure what I’ll find to replace my html editor–I fucking love Brackets. (Ooh, they have a Windows version!) And I’ll need something to format epubs… unless the online version of libre office can do that? No, that was an extension. I guess I could use Calibre but it never seemed to convert to my standards…

Gah, everything bleeds money outside of linux. fuckballs.

January 3

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#19 Hellcat!!! Everything changes. XD
I took the week off from the Newsletter. Things are kinda slow going atm and I wanted a chance to breathe. Let’s see, Hellcat is on fire–fucking love it! Found the spark and it’s all good. I’m making art again. First it was just to see if I could. Now I want to make all the characters I love come to life. <3

A small concern about my chromebook… fine, not so small depending on how things go. So I have a modified chromebook with crouton because for whatever reason the google version of things was just so fucking slow. I mean right out of the box the damn thing was dragging, and this was a new machine… 3? years ago when I got it. My memory is shit. But yeah, it was slow, sluggish, and I don’t know why it was so hard to just find a computer to write on. Ubuntu let me use Libre office, and once I discovered Scrivener, whoo, forget about it. Free software, fast response and I could still get online and browse like a breeze–even the Internet browsing with the google side was fucking slow and the saving was shit. Not customization–I hate not being able to customize my shit. It’s why I won’t touch Apple. Why throw down cash for something you can’t make your own? I don’t know how google made a simple machine and fucked it so bad, but crouton saved the day and I was lucky to have a processor that could handle the more advanced version of Ubuntu.

But, something happened. Not sure what, if it’s crouton, memory, or purely a Scrivener problem or what, but I’ve lost data on Hellcat the last time I closed the program. Thankfully it’s all backed up on the website–no new data lost, but I’m wary going forward, wary I may have lost things in other docs I’m not aware of. I’m going to cloud everything and go through and hopefully I’ll have a working chromebook by the time I’m done. @[email protected] This was the same machine that got a bad spark and blew out the battery port a few months back. I’m worried I might be looking at residual hardware damage.

I’m not looking forward to the cost of a new machine–not even just the cost, but because they don’t do what I want. If it wasn’t for crouton, this chromebook would have been fucking useless to me. Google docs is slower than a drying turd on its own chromebook and far from intuitive. My bf has a chromebook but didn’t have the right type–processor or something–so his linux partition is shit, can’t even run a browser. I’m not sure if I can find something this nice going forward. :/ Hopefully, it’s all in my head and the computer just had a little hiccup. Can’t count on it though. Not if I might lose data…

Ah, fuck. I seriously hate needless work. It’s the worst time of year for this with cash sucked up by the holidays… but I did just get a chunk of change from Pronoun. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find a sale chromebook with the right specs–happened for this one. I don’t want a laptop, I don’t want something needlessly complicated and bulky when all I use this machine for is writing, posting that writing, and writing html to format the mobi files. I like a streamlined machine made for the job, which is why my PC is a beast made for graphics (artist) and I keep it simple for the writing. I never understood the bullshit of throwing down thousands for a computer when most people just use it to browse the fucking Internet. Get a cheap tablet–more cost effective than a smart phone–if that’s all the computer is for you. Over glorified paperweights in every home.