Thought I’d check in. I’ve been quiet the last few days, unraveling the emotional wiring that has frozen me in parts of my life. Had a big breakthrough; I finally got around to tackling the moldy room. Spent 2 days cleaning it up. It was looking nice. Got the old bedroom set up as a living room, and the old living room set up as an office for me. Bought some nice curtains, had shit organized, had even set up my graphics computer in there. I was really excited about it all. Then I woke up with my eyes crusted shut and my body in so much pain it felt like my muscles were trying to pull me into a ball.
So, yeah, that’s a no go. Fuck.
I’m feeling pretty demoralized about it all. It’s hard to work without a space of my own. I’ve been working out on the porch, but it’s not protected against the elements and the cold has crept up. I just want a quiet space where the messes of everyone else doesn’t reach me, metaphorically and physically. And I just want a space for me, at this point. Where I can be myself without being observed, judged, required to socialize, or respond. I want to be surrounded by the things that inspire me, not the things that inspire others, always feeling like I’m pushed into a corner taking up space in a place that isn’t mine. I’m still paying for the place, but with my room covered in mold, none of it feels like it’s mine.