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?Wow, I really wasn’t expecting that! (plus coffee obsessions)

Hey peeps,

I had ideas planned for this newsletter but I just… well, I got sick. I am feeling ragged, run out, just doing too much. I had hoped that I would have recovered by now, but my body is telling me very persistently to rest, and I am foolishly fighting it even now. (Btw, if you emailed me, I will get to you. Just being slow atm.)

So maybe we can do some catch up? I know it’s been a while. I’ve been pushing the books hard—speaking of which, the latest PATB Serial book hit #1 in New Releases for LGBT Fantasy Fiction!

Yay! If you missed it, it’s out and gorgeous. We finally catch up with Dorian, who has spent the last 3 years at the Academy trying to get his shit together, only to fall madly head over heels (in as resistant a fashion as possible) with Wylie-fucking-Doe and his hissing inner dragon. Check it if you missed it. It’s in KU for you kindle unlimited readers.

So yeah, there’s that (yay!) Uh, I threw together a cover for the next episode but it’s a draft atm because—guess what? I decided the episodes needed title names and not just numbers. I was kinda super lazy doing the bare minimum there and realized it was a disservice to anyone who wanted to try the books out and had no clue about anything inside. So now, titles! (Once I can figure out how to arrange all the elements so it doesn’t look like I just crammed a ton more words in there. @_@ These are some rather busy covers already…)

Fox and Forest rocking their own cover <3

I’m not doing a preorder yet. This month has kinda proved to me that I’m ignoring my limits, and I need to figure something out with how to go forward. It might be that I plan to release a book every 6 weeks instead of every 4, or maybe even a book every 9 weeks—I don’t know yet. All I know is that I’m struggling with my current pace and I might have to change things up as I go along. There were definitely perks to having a preorder with a deadline. When the days started creeping up and I saw the deadline looming, I got shit done. 10 days and bam! Book! But there were other issues, like me totally working beyond my limits to make that deadline. I’m a very all or nothing person and it can be pretty self destructive if I’m not careful. For example…

Let me tell you about my short love affair with coffee <3

So, for the last two weeks coming up to when I got this book published, I did some big changes. One of those big changes was removing all sweeteners from my diet. Even the good, healthy, natural ones. I cut them all out because I suspected (and was unfortunately right) that they were setting off my immune system and triggering the autoimmune. Removing them was great. I could focus again, I could write, everything was flowing and I felt so good. But there was the drawback of a lot of the things I enjoyed had some sort of sweetener in it.

My morning routine would be to wake up and eat a Questbar before sitting down to write. Easy, simple, uncomplicated. But when I saw even stevia and erythritol were making me jittery and stealing my focus, suddenly I had to figure out what breakfast was without feeling, well, bereft of my treat, I guess. I’m a sugar addict. It was my comfort as a small child and I have been seeking some sort of sugary flavor my entire life. Going cold turkey was really the only way I could make this work given my nature, so I chose a different addiction to seek out (of course I did—don’t give me that look XD) and it was coffee.

I was crushing hard on coffee this month. I started with instant—you know, the bare minimum—but as I felt like I was losing without having that sweet flavor, I started really throwing myself into the hobby of coffee. I got a mini 4-cup French press, got a milk frother thingy that mixes everything up, even some protein powder and powdered goat’s milk to throw in there in the morning. It’s been good, really good. Except at some point, I forgot that my adrenals are still iffy, and the caffeine I was drinking every day was squeezing the life out of the poor little buggers, and yeah, I crashed, hard. Funnily enough, shortly after I finished the book—like, by days. It was like my body was only allowed to break once I was done; I’m really a monster to myself like that. @_@

I realized I must have been ignoring the signs that I was working so hard, masking it by reaching for caffeine and just pushing past my limits. Not good. So I have discovered decaf—which is fucking awesome, btw! I can now have coffee whenever I want while also going back on my adrenal meds for support until I get myself back to healthy. I’m still off sweeteners, which is also great. There’s a lot of things I’m probably not going to be able to have again, if I’m real about it, but I guess time will tell. I’m excited to have stopped my immune responses so well that now I can notice when I screw up and eat something wrong and get sick, instead of being sick constantly and not knowing why.

I have been so excited to be able to write again, to just be in the flow of it all, that I did that thing I tend to do, which is kick my own ass going after a goal. I have to reevaluate some things, see if I can pace myself better to avoid what happened last time, etc. I think I don’t want to actually put the preorder up until the book is 100% written like I did with episode #1, giving me a chance to do the publishing side of things during that week before it goes live. I guess we’ll see. I’m feeling a bit like a long distance runner; I need to plan everything so differently from my old mentality of just sprinting like mad at a goal. It’s a different kind of strategy that I’m still learning—one I’m sure that will be super worth learning once I do.

Hope you’re all having a great weak—and don’t miss the reads below. There are some awesome books there this week, including Wendy’s new take on the Alpha/Omega trope that people are loving like mad!

MM, LGBTQ and RH Reads

Trust No Alpha

It’s a world gone mad. The Alphas are out of control.

When you discover you’re not who you thought you were, the nightmare begins.

KRIS

At age eighteen, life as he knows it is over for Kris. A secret to his nature he was not aware of has been revealed.

Now, kept as a prisoner in a locked room in the mansion of his wealthy father, Kris is at the mercy of Alpha laws and Alpha domination.

Things take a turn for the worse when his own litter mate threatens him, and his father starts behaving strangely around him.

Escape is his only hope. But where can he go in a world that allows him no rights?

THORNE

Marked as a dangerous Alpha, and living a secluded life alone and unloved, Thorne still grieves for the mate whose death he feels responsible for. Years have passed, and he refuses to even try to function in normal society.

One day he discovers a young man on his property, disheveled, desperate, and scared. He acts like a runaway Omega, but he doesn’t smell like one.

What is this boy? And why does Thorne feel an immediate need to protect him? To bond him? To make him his?

A non-shifter, Omegaverse love story of rescue, first time, fertility issues and an HEA. Standalone read. 65,500 words. (While Omegas are birth-fathers in this universe, there is no on-page mpreg in this book.)

 

Cat Escort

A night of passion with a Cat Shifter escort becomes everything for a man with poor self-esteem.

To mend his broken heart, Seth purchases a date with a Cat Shifter Escort. The sex was so amazing, it let him forget his pain. Seth never expected to see him again.

Nao couldn’t forget the client who’d cried in his arms, so destroyed from love gone wrong. He wanted nothing more than to help the beautiful, broken man.

Their night was supposed to be a onetime thing, but six months later, everything changed when they met again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Vampire’s Honor

Years ago, the true king of the vampires sacrificed his throne and his fated love for the common good. But it wasn’t enough…

Rune knows the Adini Treasure is real, and he wants it. With the treasure, he’ll have the power to crush his enemy—the Adi ’el Lumi—forever.

Isaac longs for love but is sick of waiting for it. When he witnesses the murder of a strange vampire with an even stranger map, he isn’t sure what he’s found. But he isn’t letting it go. Not even for the swoon-worthy vampire prince who comes to claim it.

When a witch’s calling card leads Rune to a snarky vampire with secrets and a sassy human with a treasure map, he takes them on a perilous hunt into the forgotten vampire cities. His worst fears and darkest desires await him. With everything at stake, he’ll have only one chance to either fulfill his destiny… or save Isaac, his fated love.

Don’t miss the exciting, heartwarming conclusion to the Ellowyn Found trilogy!

 

 

Fake it ’til You Make Out

Heath
It’s a classic story: Boy meets girl, girl breaks boy’s heart, boy pretends to be gay to get back at girl, girl outs boy to everyone on Facebook…

Okay, maybe it’s not that classic. But it’s what happened to me.

When I bump into my cheating ex and catch sight of the moon-sized rock on her finger, there’s only one option to save face: pretend to be dating my gay best friend, Declan.

And when she outs me on Facebook and everyone I know sees it, there’s still only one option: keep pretending to be dating Declan.

And when Declan and I have to kiss to keep up the ruse and it turns out there’s actually a spark between us (more like a blazing inferno, if truth be told) there’s once again only one option…

Warning: this book is not appropriate for anyone who doesn’t like laughing, anyone who doesn’t like dogs, or anyone who doesn’t like hot men having a lot of sex…with each other.

 

 

Don’t Call Me Kid

Falling in love with your brother’s boyfriend and pining over him for a decade? It can’t get any more complicated than that!

Van found the man of his dreams on his fifteenth birthday. And promptly lost him on the same day when he realized Parker was dating his older brother, Taylor.

Ten years later, Van still nurses his unrequited love, but Parker and Taylor are no longer together. Too bad Parker only sees Van as an inexperienced kid, or a friend at best.

If Van plays his cards right, he might get a chance to tell Parker how he feels. With their complicated histories and Taylor wanting his husband back, their situation is as difficult as they come. Will Van finally get his man, or will he have to give up his teenage fantasies once and for all?

Don’t Call Me Kid is the first novella in the Just Don’t contemporary gay romance serial. If you like your romances on the angsty side and with a touch of complicated family dynamics, then this first book will have you craving for more in no time.

 

 

Crimson: Secrets and Lies of a Living Vampire

An isolated mountain estate. A hidden lab. A dark secret that threatens the entire vampire race.

When vampire Emilie takes a new nanny job at the remote mountain home of Dr. Owen Bennett, the last thing she expects is to be thrown head-first into a dangerous mystery.

After spending the last hundred years believing she was alone in the world, the undeniable chemistry with handsome and eccentric Owen⎯who she suspects may also be a vampire⎯promises a future she never thought possible.

But…things at the Bennett house just don’t add up.

Owen’s ex-wife has seemingly vanished, he refuses to divulge who he works for, and he keeps his research under lock and key.

Determined to uncover the truth, Emilie discovers a secret that holds severe repercussions for all her kind.

When dark forces intervene, Emilie is forced to make an unthinkable choice – between newfound love or what she knows to be right.

 

Looking To Untether

Hey babes!

So this has been a damn fine month for me. I mean, well, ignore the bullshit, the pain, the chemical sensitivity, Candida overgrowth, and the mold—which we realized is what’s killing me in the house. It’s mold. We’re treating it with tea tree oil, and hopefully that’s going to fix this shit. It must have come in on the bed frame because the moment we brought it to the curb and left it to be picked up, the rain hit it and mold sprouted all over.

Anyways, the good stuff—the fucking amazing stuff. What did I learn from living out of my car? Home is where I am. My confidence, my belonging, my acceptance of life; that all comes with me. And, on the flip side, my bullshit can come with me too because, hey, that never needed a building to contain it. I have been amazingly okay with myself lately and it feels great. No anxiety, no feeling like I’m faking through life or don’t belong places. You know what I was thinking the other day when wondering if I should go into a restaurant to use their bathroom? It wasn’t the old line of I should pay to buy something so I’m not being a total tool by using the bathroom. No, I was thinking why the fuck aren’t there public bathrooms everywhere, especially since if you’re caught going to the bathroom outside, you can be charged for a sex crime? (No joke, it’s a thing in America.) Seriously, why should anyone in this modern day ever have to wonder if they’ll be able to use a bathroom? What kind of society is this that people are made to feel guilty for needing a restroom when our basic biology requires it?

I have stopped giving a fuck about a lot of things I didn’t notice used to plague my thoughts and define what I’d do. I used to have this constant thing in my mind that I’m supposed to be somewhere, and only when I’m there (usually hidden away at home) can I feel safe. And if I’m not somewhere I’m supposed to be, clearly I can’t be safe. Life without PTSD is so fucking amazing, and it’s just been great to have this opportunity to finally challenge those old emotional softwares by living out of the car. I wouldn’t have known if this didn’t happen. I would have been content to just hide away in my room working, when now I realize depending on where I drive, I can have whatever view I want when I’m working. Trees, fields, other cars, a lovely sky day, whatever. This cute little hummingbird who showed up at the community garden I was hanging out at…

So freaking tiny! <3

It reminds me of how I want to write a nonfiction book about hacking your own brain. That’s basically what I did to get past PTSD and what people need to do to get past the brainwashing they’ve endured. And it’s not unique—every culture, every family, every society does it from sports teams to politics to religion. One moment of trauma can be used to justify a million horrendous acts afterward because that’s the way the human brain has evolved. Some people, they break free, they see past the bullshit, while others are happy to live in the cage of their own mind while being exploited by every salesman who comes their way.

It pisses me off, really. Seeing intelligent, compassionate people being preyed upon because of their own basic wiring. I read a lot about marketing, and I study it at work, especially in the book industry. I follow probably more newsletters about marketing than I do about actual fiction writers because the human brain fascinates me. Just to be clear, I do not actually apply these strategies. (I’m actually the asshole who points out to people how they shouldn’t buy into the sales pitch, stop being a fucktard, and a free book isn’t an obligation for anything.) Why? For one, because I assume something so basic shouldn’t work. It wouldn’t work on me so why the fuck would it work on anyone else? But really, shit doesn’t work on me because I walk the spiderweb threads while other people float blissfully into the web, which is the real reason I don’t do this shit. Compassion. I feel for the people being exploited and I think those doing the exploiting are pretty damn scummy.

Some quick examples how you as a reader have your wiring exploited and don’t even realize it. That thing I mentioned about giving away a free book? Some people are wired in a way that they feel so guilty, they want to go buy the book afterward, or if not that, they need to leave a review. Sure, it’s nice when people do, but some people aren’t reviewing because they want to, but because they feel like they owe the person who gave something away. It’s free but they feel like there are strings attached demanding they act. Another example, pretty similar, I’ve had half a dozen reviewers come to me pleading to be able to stay on my ARC team for fear I’ll kick them off. You know, like the free and generous service they provide to help let other readers know that they might like my book is actually a job they can be fired from and they are so full of anxiety for fear of being punished. There is absolutely nothing I have done to train this in some people—although after a few conversations, I’ve learned other authors are traumatizing the fuck out of these people to make them believe this twisted mentality. Reviewers, you are not obligated to do fuck, and don’t let anyone ever make you feel like reviewing is a job and they are owed a review. Seriously, fuck those kinds of authors. How dare they exploit your natural compassion that way. I hate that shit.

It’s easy to look at a person and know what they want. It’s easy to find that dream and exploit the fuck out of it and just lie. And fuck, it’s easy to sound like an authority while doing it—Do you know how weak minded people are that you can just call yourself a doctor or say you have a degree on something, and people just believe you? Dear fuck if they have an actual uniform. People are so blind they just believe. It’s crazy. Go off to be killed for the government while the people with money who start and benefit from the wars never serve their country and won’t even provide for the body bag? Yeah, support our troops! I don’t understand why so many people buy into what is so obvious a bunch of systems that exist to exploit the fuck out of them. Money—those meaningless numbers in an account or scraps of paper—you think that has actual value when a simple computer error can decide if someone is a millionaire or homeless? How many people go to the fucking grave paying off credit card debt because someone convinced them that borrowing worthless numbers meant they should be in debt to the seller of worthless numbers for the rest of their entire life? It’s insane.

I’m watching these people do it in the writing community because that is my focus of interest as of late. Mostly nonfiction, but it’s directed at writers, at authors who want to make it big—or just be noticed for what they do. These dicks promise the dream, when anyone who has actually taken this journey knows the dream isn’t the answer. Write well and be a millionaire writer. You don’t ever have to market again, just be a good writer and you will be a bestseller. Just pay $500 ($700, $1000!) for this joke course so you can feel validated you never bothered to learn why certain books become bestsellers and others don’t.

It’s like the weight loss game, right? Lose 20lbs in a week while boosting your metabolism! Eat whatever you want, never be hungry, and watch the pounds melt off! How about a junk food diet? Eat your favorite foods and lose more weight than ever before!

Anyone with half a brain can see it’s bullshit, but people gleefully run full speed at this shit and it’s just infuriating to watch. Do you know how many people I talk to who are looking to get help for their PTSD who don’t actually go to therapists who specialize in PTSD? People who never bothered to turn on a computer and google what the most effective and modern treatments of PTSD are. No, they wait for someone to come along and tell them, and if they don’t tell them, well, who’s to blame? Certainly not themselves. They needed an authority.

Oh, that fucking imaginary authority. I went to college and everyone there started out as ignorant as I was. I spent hours in classes being the only one to talk to the teacher but we all got the same piece of paper at the end. Do you really think anything learned in a classroom prepares you for an actual job? You go out and find answers, not assume some random teacher has them. So many people just waiting for the answers to come while doubting their own ability. Bugs the fuck out of me. Cuz that’s really the key. People don’t believe they can ever be smarter than an ‘authority.’ It’s just knowledge, knowledge learned the hard way through having experiences, but some people really believe the degree, the piece of paper is the deciding factor. Why? Because those stupid fucks threw down a shit ton of money to buy that lie, and who knows if they ever actually got the experience that’s needed to really be good at something? How frustrating to watch people hand their decision processes away to those who don’t doubt themselves even if they don’t know shit or don’t have other people’s best interests in heart.

My adoptive mother waited over 8 years for a second opinion when she was certain she had cancer but her doctor said she didn’t. She had breast cancer and because they waited so long to treat it, it got into her bones and eventually killed her. My twin brother took out a student loan of $40,000 for a college that shut down and never refunded his money and he still owes that cash and feels like he’ll forever be in debt working a shitty retail job cuz no college education. My boyfriend is essential at every job he does, is fucking brilliant, but won’t ask for a raise because he believes he should be fired because he never shows up on time. It’s insane. People are fucking insane because they buy into these lies that are so fucking obvious to me but their wiring can’t let them get past it.

I’m a storyteller, but when you’re done reading my books you can walk away and know it’s not real. People tell themselves stories in their heads every fucking day, terrible, cruel, soul crushing stories that keep them from living the life they want, and they can’t walk away. They don’t know they’re telling a story; they think that shit is real. How pointlessly cruel we are to ourselves.

I have a lot of plans this year, babes. I’ve outlined the next Paranormal Academy for Troubled Boys book and I’m working on the following one. I want those 3 written this year, along with the second Hellcat, the Coven Saga from Demon Bonded, and the first Awakening book. But I’m keeping an eye on that brain hacking book, because my fuck, this shit just annoys the fuck out of me. I get it; society has trained this into people to believe they can’t be more and our mental wiring helps enable it. Society has intentionally trained it into people to keep them trapped in shitty jobs (hello retail) underpaid and in huge debt while others just step on their backs and exploit them at every turn. The entire purpose of religion was to control the masses, yet the drones instead bitch about what god really wants from them while they can’t get paid a living wage. I’m so sick of people just rolling over and feeling like they have to play the role of victim. I don’t know if a book can change it, but damn, might as well put the info out there so if anyone has the guts to google, they can find it. Seriously, knowledge is right fucking there.

I don’t know when this turned into a rant… This has been pissing me off the good part of a week, actually. People create so much unhappiness out of total lies and then they can’t escape the lie. It’s just frustrating to watch.

Social Sinners: Behind the Lights

Joey Hayes and his best friend Ricky Branson have been together through the good times, as well as the bad. Attending their first concert as teens set the path for their futures in motion. Shortly after, the pair joined band class where they meet Ethan and Mick and the foursome formed the metal band, Social Sinners.

Things were going according to plan until Lucas Shane entered their lives, disrupting the flow and testing the strength of their friendship.

When Joey spirals down a dark path after catching his cheating boyfriend, this tasked the other three band members with making a difficult decision that could end his career as their lead singer.

 

The Siren’s Lullaby

He rounded the corner, to a small alleyway in the distance. I sped up. When I reached the corner, I saw what that piece of shit was doing. John’s name fell from his lips, as he stroked his small dick with hushed breaths.

Before I knew it, I reached over and smashed his head against the wall. Blood spewed everywhere. There were bits of brain across the ground. I saw the whites in his eyes, as he crumpled to the ground. When I saw his dick again, fully erect, I raised my foot, and smashed it to the ground.

That was my first kill.

 

Game Night: Gay First Time Sports Romance

His Secret Is About To Come Out

Danny is an emerging hockey star who is finally setting the world alight after years of toiling in the second string. But with this new role comes more attention, and it will be harder for him to hide his secret from the world, the fact that he is gay.

It’s a secret he’s kept from all of his teammates and he hates the thought of them finding out the truth. It wouldn’t be an issue, if his best friend hadn’t returned home and found him again. Danny hasn’t seen Matty ever since he left town after graduation. Now he’s back, looking for a place to live and Danny is all too happy to offer him a room.

But Danny has always harbored a crush on Matty. Seeing him again makes it clear that this wasn’t just a teenage dream. Can Danny keep a hold on his feelings? And what will he do when a rival finds out the truth and threatens to end his career?

Max and Pres

Sometimes, the things you don’t want might be exactly what you need.

Pres has been watching Max, Bound in Silk’s bartender, for a while, but he hasn’t really figured out how to approach the sub. He wants to put Max on his knees, see all those muscles rippling, the large man submitting to him… but he has to get Max to play with him first.

Max knows there’s no man who can give him what he wants. Or, at least, he is convinced he won’t find one. Until Pres asks him to play. He’s reluctant, but who wouldn’t be, given his history with Doms?
When Max lets Pres take over, he might discover there is someone who can deal with his needs… and embrace them. But is it enough for a future together?

Bending Time

BENDING TIME
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A HARRY POTTER FANFIC

Loyalties

LOYALTIES
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A HARRY POTTER FANFIC

Drunk, Blind, Stupid Cupid

Wounded Hearts Book #1

Drunk, Blind, Stupid Cupid
Exclusive Library
An angel, a demon and a love-wary teenager walk into a cemetery…

Aiden Fisher hates Valentine’s Day with a passion saved only for holidays and annoying public displays of affection. He’s spent his teenage life trying to be as unapproachable as possible even if his cute face has heads turning. This Valentine’s Day he finds he’s failed his goal; a secret admirer wants to meet him.

Aiden has a lot of reasons to avoid love at all costs, many he can’t seem to remember when he’s approached by two foreign, beautiful boys that say they’re destined to meet. He tries to avoid the alarming feelings welling up, but when they’re attacked and he brings his new friends home, there’s nowhere to run.

Trying to hide as much of his embarrassing home life as he can from these quirky winged boys, Aiden finds himself faced with a choice. Does he wants to suffer in love or suffer alone?

Disclaimer: This slightly dark, sweet novella contains explicit m/m sexual content between multiple partners, graphic language, first time experiences, and hot winged boys and a pretty punked out bottom in a committed threesome relationship. Made specifically for Valentine’s Day, beware of sappiness, sarcasm, angst, and plot. All sexually active characters are 18+.

33,000+ wrds, Published February 12, 2016.
Heat level: XX

WHAT READERS ARE SAYING ABOUT DRUNK, BLIND, STUPID CUPID

on March 16, 2017

Sadie again writes a beautiful erotic story. Human Aiden loathes valentine’s day. When he gets a rose and a request to meet, he’s furious. He goes, but only to tell the giver off. When he gets there, 2 stunningly beautiful boys are waiting. The halfie Damien to translate and the angel Gavril. But Aiden is not gay, or is he, he seems to be the last to know. Craziness goes down and he takes them home and into his heart. Is this relationship even a good idea? Yet, I could not put it down until it was done

on April 11, 2017
This book was very interesting, I tend to read books without reading the back of it so I never know what it’s about. And man did I get a shock when first they were gay and second how believable the story was. What 18 year old loner whose never shown an interest in dating because of his jacked up home life loves Valentine’s Day? All in all it was a good book and my very first M/M!
on March 15, 2017
I was so deeply captivated with this sweet and scorching hot story. I loved how sappy Gav was, it was hilarious and heartwarming. Their story was just so beautiful and sensual. A breathtaking menage romance and a divine erotica.

The claiming and the fact that Gavriil was drawn to both Aiden and Damian from so far away, maybe even from another world? I just love the pull of fate and destiny type of stories.

Can’t wait to read the next book of this series.

READ AN EXCERPT FROM CHAPTER ONE

It’s the last Valentine’s Day I’m going to have to endure at school. Somehow it seems to be mocking me, starting from the horrible amount of red and pink everyone’s wearing. Even the other guys are wearing the garish colors while I’ve resolutely dressed in my normal black.

I can’t stand the holidays, Valentine’s Day especially. It has nothing to do with the forgotten religious saint or the fertility festival the damn thing originally represented. No, it’s the way couples just disregard all decency and once again shove their happiness in my face. Like being single means I should automatically be miserable? Like a relationship is the end-all of being a satisfied human being? Fuck them. At least I’ve never had to listen to some girl tell me off for not calling her every hour.

I have no interest in being in a relationship. Seeing everyone acting like it’s the only thing a guy could want is really annoying as fuck.

Dropping my book bag on the floor, I take a seat for my first class of the day, trying to ignore the obnoxious amount of snuggling going around. When exactly did Valentine’s Day become an excuse to ignore all acceptable forms of public displays of affection? I might be running to the bathroom soon to vomit if this keeps up.

“Aiden, you look like someone pissed in your cereal this morning.” Ben, my best friend, sits down next to me, his hands smacking on his desk. He flashes me a toothy grin, clearly not actually caring that I hate today with a passion.

“What are you so happy about?” I finally ask when he insists on smiling at me.

“I got Vanessa a rose. I even wrote her a bitchin love poem.” His smile somehow manages to grow. “If that doesn’t get her to agree to go out with me, nothing will.”

Scowling at my terribly happy friend—Seriously, it’s Valentine’s Day; happiness is not welcome today—I pull out my math book and notebook. “What exactly do you mean by ‘bitchin love poem?’ Is this like some modern art thing?”

“Nope, even better. I wrote it myself.”

Nodding slowly, I duck my head so he can’t see me wince. “That sounds… um, bitchin.” Hideous. Seriously repulsive. God, I hate Valentine’s Day.

“Wanna read it?”

I bite my lip, knowing if he so much as shows me anything he’s written that’s supposed to convince anyone he’s in love with Vanessa, I’m going to laugh my ass off. “I’m good. For real.”

Ben smiles obliviously, his hair brushing into his eyes. “So?”

“So?” I repeat, folding my notebook open and wondering when the hell Mr. Jacobs is going to get here so the idiots will finally sit their asses down and stop making out around me.

“So, who did you get a rose for?” Ben asks, sounding even chipper than when he first sat down.

I glare at him sideways. He looks ridiculously young and happy and I sort of hate him right now. “No one. You know I don’t buy into this stupid holiday.”

“Pssh. You’re just mad because you haven’t found your ‘one’ yet,” Ben says with all the conviction of a hormonal eighteen-year-old that hasn’t had a relationship last more than three months. “When you fall in love, you’ll totally love Valentine’s Day.”

I debate whether I want to tear his love theory apart verbally to pass the time. I’m in a terrible mood, but I don’t know if I want to take him with me. He’s got that hopeful puppy-dog look he gets right before his heart is broken—This time by Vanessa, who has been looking at Ryan H. for the last month. Seeing as Ryan has a car, Ben is so outmatched. I settle for grunting noncommittally and scribbling doodles in my notebook.

There’s a commotion at the door and I sigh. Finally, the teacher is here and we can start. Except it’s not Mr. Jacobs, it’s a ridiculously cheerful girl carrying an armful of roses. I glare, realizing I’m going to have to go through the receiving, squealing, and all around vomit inducing lovey-dovey crap that comes along with girls getting flowers from secret and not so secret admirers. Fuck my life.

“Oh, no you don’t,” Ben says, grabbing my arm before I can get up and go hide out in the bathroom.

“What—Why the fuck should I stay around for this shit?” I mutter but sit down. Most of the girls are swarming the doorway anyways—There’s no getting by them to escape.

“Cheer the fuck up, Aiden. It’s just Valentine’s Day. It’s not like people are going out of their way to make you unhappy.”

“Aren’t they?” I snap, pointing at the group of giggling girls. “If I never have to hear that noise again, I’d be happy.”

Ben rolls his eyes. “Nothing makes you happy. Not the many holes in your head, your punk music, or even those funky combat boots. You are determined to be unhappy and you shouldn’t go blaming the rest of the world for your state of being.”

Glowering, I hunch over my desk, deciding to ignore him and the class until the stupidity dies down. Having eyebrow rings and a tattoo on the back of my neck isn’t some statement in being unhappy, it’s just a statement in being me. Ben wouldn’t understand, always wasting his time and energy trying to get with the next pretty, vapid thing he sees instead of figuring out himself.

Something flashes out of the corner of my eye, a red rose landing on my notebook. Blinking, I looked up in disbelief as Callie—super smiley cheerleader—hands me a white card. “Looks like you have a secret admirer, Aiden.”

“What?” I say dumbly, glancing sideways to find nearly everyone in the classroom suddenly looking at me.

She continues as if I hadn’t said anything, the card landing on top of my desk when I refuse to take it from her hand. “You know, you’re the first boy that’s gotten a rose this year. Usually guys send them to girls,” she says with a slightly accusing look.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? Am I not good enough for a rose now? Or… is she saying a guy sent me a rose?

“Hey, just because Aiden’s a guy, doesn’t mean he can’t get a rose,” Ben speaks up before I can actually ask what she’s implying. Throwing her bleach blond hair over her shoulder, Callie gives a bored huff and just steps away to the next person on her list.

“It’s the fucking twenty-first century. Geez,” Ben mutters before pasting another huge smile on and smacking me on the back. “Well, what does it say? Who sent you the rose?”

“What?” Scratching the back of my head, I look at Ben warily. My friend of forever has been acting weird ever since he spent his summer in New York with his cousins. I’m not sure exactly what he’s got in his head all of a sudden when it comes to me, but he’s been saying a lot of stupid shit like how I don’t need a girlfriend if I don’t want one, and he’d never judge me no matter what. It’s been really getting on my nerves but I don’t know if now is the time to bring it up, especially when half the class is trying to snoop over my shoulder to read the stupid card on my desk.

Shaking my head, I flip the plain white notecard open, glancing briefly at the one line before flipping it shut and pocketing it.

“Well?” Ben asks, curiosity clear in his voice.

“Well, what?” I go back to scribbling in my notebook, pointedly ignoring him.

“What did it say?”

Sighing in annoyance, I glance his way, finding two other people looking at me just as curiously. Fuck this stupid shit. “Nothing.”

“Like fuck—They wouldn’t have given you a card if it was blank.” Ben isn’t going to let it go. Actually, he looks about ready to wrestle me to the ground so he can get the thing and read it himself. That I’m only five foot ten, and slender will not stop my taller friend. That I also fight like a crazy bastard and enjoy biting will probably keep him from trying it.

“It’s just a time and place for a meetup. No name,” I finally grunt out, looking down at my desk. “I’m sure they just got me confused with someone else. There are like seven guys named Aiden in the grade below us.”

“Aiden…” Ben just sighs, something else I choose to ignore. He can tell me till he’s blue in the face and I want to beat the fuck out of him that I’m actually a likeable guy, but I know better. I barely tolerate people and people, well, they keep their distance. I might have a cute face but with the right scowl and mean enough piercings, they back the fuck off. It’s how I like it. I don’t want people in my life—My life is difficult enough.

“When is it?” Ben asks when I relax enough to think he’s dropped the subject.

“When’s what?”

“Stop fucking with me. The meetup?”

Grunting, I pull the note from my pocket and hand it to him. He reads it, his brows furrowed as he gives me the card back. “That’s a weird place to meet someone.”

I shrug. “I’m not going.”

“Yes, you are. Someone bothered to write you a card and buy you a rose. You’re fucking going—Stop being such a dick. What if they really like you?”

“Then they’re fucking dumb.” I shove the note back into my pocket, eyes falling on the rose. It’s actually kind of cool looking, the edges of the blood red petals blackened like they’ve been burnt. I reach out, letting my fingers brush over a silky smooth petal. Even the thorns are tipped in black. Do they dye roses now?

I pick it up, pressing my thumb against a thorn. It certainly feels real. Ducking my head, I give it a hesitant sniff, a small smile stealing across my lips.

Fine, it’s a cool rose. Not one of those girly pink ones or I would have tossed it already. But it’s not like you can fuck up a flower. Whoever had the nerve to send me one doesn’t automatically get a meeting with me just because the rose doesn’t suck.

The pack of girls finally leaves the doorway, the sound quieting down as the last of the class trickles in. Observing the way the black edges make a spiral pattern as they wrap around the rose, I’m pulled away by the weight of someone’s stare. It’s the new kid, the foreign transfer that showed up a month ago, currently standing halfway in the room and staring at my rose like he’s never seen one before.

Gavriil Strife is a weird one. He has golden blond hair, weird violet eyes and looks like some fucking model out of a magazine. He’s tall, built, and just has this ease about him with his stylish hair and graceful walk. Every girl in the school is chasing him hardcore, his nickname being ‘the golden prince.’ Annoying enough, but he doesn’t talk, like ever. I think I might have heard him say something once when answering a teacher, and his accent was so thick, I didn’t understand a word. No one can understand him but everyone loves him. It’s bullshit.

That he’s staring at me now, those weird eyes rimmed in black piercing into mine is unsettling as fuck and I find myself biting my lip. But I refuse to back down; he’s staring, and it doesn’t matter where he’s from, it’s still rude. Then the jackass grins at me, his expression turning mischievous like he’s got some fucking secret before he looks away and crosses to his seat. He’s seriously annoying. Weird and annoying, and I’ve caught him staring at me before. Like every class we share.

“What was that about?” Ben leans over to whisper in my ear.

“Fucking weirdo,” I mutter flatly, looking again at the rose and trying to fight the urge to glance over and see if Gavriil’s still staring. Maybe he’s pissed his didn’t get a rose, seeing as he’s a total pretty boy… Hell, maybe his ex sent me the flower? Has the kid actually taken any of the swarms of girls up on a date? He doesn’t speak a word of English yet he’s in my English class. I chance a peek, violet eyes meeting mine for a moment before I look away.

Weirdo.

The idea of Gavriil dating anyone is annoying as fuck too, like the weird boy himself, and I huff and turn to another page of my notebook so I can draw myself a maze. I take small joy in adding spikes and pits filled with vipers for any wanderer to get stuck in. It’s a shit day and only promising to get worse.

***

I’ve dodged Ben’s incessant questions throughout the day about if I’m going to the stupid meetup. The only reason I’m even considering it is just because it’s on my way home. If some idiot wants to wait out in the fucking freezing cold in the middle of February after a damn snowstorm, that’s really their problem, not mine. Throwing a $5 rose in my lap doesn’t mean I’m required to freeze my ass off.

I’m actually pretty angry about the whole thing. Seriously, what stupid idiot got me a fucking rose? Who the hell thought that I’d be into some stupid romantic rendezvous on the sappiest fucking day of the year? I was embarrassed during class, everyone keeps looking at me, and the questions will not stop. If I do go, I’m probably going to do it just to tell the person off for making my Valentine’s Day even worse than normal.

Scowling into my locker, I pull my black jacket on, hunching into the heavy material. It has a few holes but layered with my sweatshirt it does the trick for the fifteen-minute walk home. Tugging my slouchy on over my shaggy dark hair, I glare sideways at Ben who is, of course, waiting for me to tell him if I’m going to meet my ‘secret admirer.’

Fuck, even the name annoys the fuck out of me.

“Well?”

“Fuck off.” I slam my locker shut, ducking around him.

“Stop being an ass, Aiden. It’s just one little meeting. Just give the guy a shot—Shit.” Ben stops short as I whirl, his hands held up defensively.

Guy? Glaring at the cringing brunette, I stomp back. “What the fuck do you know?”

“N-Nothing, it just sort of slipped…” Ben sucks at lying, especially to me. I take a quick look around the hall, way too many of my classmates staring at me. Growling, I grab Ben by his collar and haul him into the empty science room.

“Tell me. Now.”

“Really, it’s nothing. A guess…” Ben coughs awkwardly while I stare him down. I’m not buying it and he knows it. “Fuck… Fuck, stop snarling at me.”

“Tell me, you jackass! Who is it!”

Stumbling back, he ends up sitting heavily on the teacher’s desk. I glare as he smiles at me sheepishly. “I don’t know his name. I just… I’m pretty sure it’s a guy.”

“Why?” I growl when he feels the need to stop at that fucking revelation and not explain. Why the fuck would a guy be looking at me? I’m an asshole to everyone, and I’ve never shown an interest in hooking up with anyone, especially guys.

“Well… um… Someone asked me if you’d… might be interested…”

“Oh my god—Fucking whore, Ben! Why? Why would you tell someone that I’d—Fuck.” I whirl, pacing away before I do something uncalled for, like punch the idiot. What the fuck is wrong with him? Why would he do that? Does he hate me or some shit? He’s like my only friend—Do I have to worry about him spreading fucking rumors about me liking dick or something? Fuck.

“Aiden, you have to understand. I just thought, well… Well, I just thought,” Ben finishes lamely, wincing when I turn and glare his way.

“You think I’m gay?”

Looking uncomfortable, he gives a weak shrug. “It could explain a few things.”

And what the fuck is that supposed to mean? “Like what?” I growl, my hands on my hips as I wait expectantly for whatever stupid is going to come out of his mouth. There is nothing remotely gay about me. Fuck, if I’m anything, it’s asexual, but I hate fucking labels so I wouldn’t even say that. I have no interest in being with anyone, period.

“You don’t date,” Ben points out.

“So? You know my fucking home life. You think I want to bring anyone into that shit?”

“Bullshit,” he says, standing up and glaring back at me. “Do you think I’m blind or something? Like I can’t see when you’re checking a guy out? You spent nearly half of last class staring at Chris.”

“He was cheating off of Duley,” I snap, really not liking where this is turning. I do not check out guys.

“Was his ass cheating? Cus that’s where you were staring.”

“Are you shitting me—Did you just seriously accuse me of…?” There are no words. “Ben, I’m not gay!” I yelp in frustration.

“Whatever, jackass,” he mutters, like I’m fucking lying to him or something. “I’m not the only one who thinks it, man. Ever since Gavriil transferred in, everyone has been talking about it.”

Blinking dumbly, I hold up my hand. “What? What the fuck does that weirdo have to do with anything?”

Ben growls in exasperation. “Dude, you stare at him all the time!”

“Only because he keeps staring at me!” I turn away, my hat coming off in my hands as I grab my hair and tug. Stupid Gavriil Strife—Of course that fucker is to blame for all this. The damn pretty-boy came in here acting weird, and the second I glare at him everyone just assumes I have a thing for him because he’s gorgeous. The fucking bastard.

“Who did you tell?” I ask, spinning back to Ben. “Who fucking asked?”

Huffing, he folds his arms over his chest. “I’m not sure.”

“Like fuck you’re not—”

“I never saw the guy before. It was a couple of weeks ago during that football game you left early from.” He gives me a look and I wonder if he’s going to start accusing me of staring at their asses too. “He came up and asked if you were into guys. He had long black hair, green eyes. Tall. Really good looking.”

“Why the fuck do you feel the need to tell me he’s good looking?” I hate him so much right now. “So you just told this absolute stranger that your best friend is into guys?” I say in frustration.

“No,” he snaps back, his jaw squaring defiantly. “I told him it was a possibility. That you’re not the dating type so there was really only one way to know for sure.”

God, my life sucks so much right now. My mom is probably home drinking our fucking food money away, and here I am standing, listening to my best friend explain how I could be gay.

“Did you ever once think to ask me?” I can’t stop my angry growl. He winces and I feel a mild satisfaction that he at least feels guilty. It’s extremely mild.

“Aiden, I watched you eat half a raw potato before you realized it wasn’t an apple.”

“So—What the fuck does that have to do with anything?”

“So, you’re fucking oblivious, man. If I was going to ask someone about you, I’d ask me first because, fuck, I know you better than you know you.”

Scoffing, I glance away. “No, you don’t.”

“Oh yeah? Favorite food—Cheeseburger with extra pickles, but on a grill because you like the burn but still pink in the middle. You’re two homework assignments away from failing Mr. Pincer’s class. You spent all of yesterday with a pink barrette in your hair because you didn’t notice I put a fucking barrette in your hair. Dude, you’re a fucking space case,” he says with a wave of his hands.

I pause at that, remembering vaguely something pulling on my hair yesterday when I took my hat off. Fuck. “Pink? You jackass.”

“Do you even know how many people check you out?” he continues sternly. “Like every fucking day? I have chicks asking all the time if you’re, like, not allowed to date or something. I see guys looking at you all the time, and hell, I’m as straight as they come, but even I can admit you’re totally sexy, man.”

I splutter, glaring at him while my tongue refuses to work. I am not sexy. I am angry and unapproachable, and that is how I want to be.

“Aiden, go meet the fucking guy. For once in your life stop wandering around aimlessly after cleaning up your parents’ mess, and just live a second for yourself. People want to get to know you, so give them a fucking chance already.”

It probably would have been more poignant if my best friend wasn’t trying to send me off because he thinks I like dick. As it is, I’m just more annoyed that there are at least two people on the planet determined to make this day as fucking miserable as possible.

“I’ll go,” I finally growl, glaring him down as he beams in reply. “But only to tell this guy that you were mistaken. Bad enough he’s so retarded he thinks I’m dating material to begin with.” Seriously, you’d have to be a fucking idiot to think I was worth hanging around for any amount of time. I’m pretty sure Ben’s an idiot, and he’s well aware of my opinion on the matter.

“Seriously, dude, if it’s the guy from the game, he’s hot. I’d never do you wrong like that.”

I shake my head. There are really no words for how dumb he is today. Fucking Valentine’s Day.

“Did Vanessa like her rose?” I grunt out, feeling spiteful. Ben gives a heartfelt, woeful sigh. Answer enough. Yeah, he’s a fucking idiot and now I have to go let some really confused gay guy down on Valentine’s Day. Fuck my life.

 

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Sadie Sins

SADIE SINS

WRITER, ARTIST, ALL AROUND CRAZY CHICK

I’ve been getting some peeps asking about how to reach me for fan mail. If you ever want to chat, you can hit me up through email. ♥

Hey, so what’s with the mask? No, I’m not some rebellious anarchist/Japanese fangirl… much. XD I have allergies. A lot of them, the worst being mold. When I started self publishing in 2015, it was because I was bed bound with an unknown illness. It turned out to be mold toxicity. So, yeah, the mask is purely functional and lately only comes out when I’m bombarded with allergens the allergy shots I take just can’t tackle. When I first got it I was feeling really self conscious, and I thought, ‘fuck it, let’s embrace it!’ and photoshopped a nice version of me looking (totally) badass. XD

If you read my earlier stories, you’re probably going to see the influence of a moldy brain. I mention it a lot because I’m finally getting better and I want to fix up those older stories. My newer stuff takes priority, but yeah, it would be nice to have a consistent level of quality to give to readers. This has been a long journey for just a basic level of health–don’t even get me started on the PTSD–and things take time. But life keeps happening and there’s no waiting for everything to be perfect and the stars to align. This is what I’ve got to work with, so best to flaunt it proud. <3

HEY THERE! *wave*

Sadie Sins, at your service. I’m a tomboy writer/artist out of New England with a passion for hunky strong men, lithe pretty boys, and lots of hot dirty talk. If you’re looking for a hard edge with possessive personalities, bad attitudes, rough language, and steamy to downright filthy smut, I’m your girl. If it’s two guys (or more) getting it on, be it with the help of magic, a full moon, or just good old fashioned lube, I’ll be striving to make sure it gets as naughty as possible, with just a touch of sweet to flavor.

If you can’t tell, I have a lot of fun with my writing. I don’t take things too seriously, and I hope my readers don’t either. I think we can all use a little escape into fantasy, and I enjoy indulging in something hot and sweaty to contrast the stress of the day to day. I like rough, but not crude smut with creative twists, intense heat, and quirky characters. I’m sick of reading ‘I love you’ a million times in one story. And soul. If one of my characters is looking into someone’s soul, they’re probably a vampire about to sink their fangs in. Just saying. I’m not a soccer mom, I’m not married, and the closest thing I have to kids are my three cats. When I’m not perving out in my writing, I’m painting, sculpting, and enjoying the beauty the world has to offer. But I’m probably perving. It makes life much more fun.

Writing

My writing roots actually start in fanfiction (I bet you can guess my favorite series.) I had written an epic, sprawling 320,000 word fic that was rudely interrupted by one of those cataclysmic events that occur—My parents died. I gave up on writing and all that inward soul searching it required. Seven years later, I figured it was about time to let myself dream again. Once I actually self published my first book, there was no going back. I love it. I love writing, I love the idea of making a living off of it, and I don’t want to live any other way.

Illustration

I’m actually a bit of a pro with a digital paintbrush. I’m new to book covers and the eye-catching requirements and typography they need, but if you ever want to see a fantasy creature look like it’s real and about to jump out of your screen, I’ve been making them for ages. My art is pretty restricted to said book covers lately—Digital painting is rather tedious, and I’m enjoying learning photo-manipulation (I used to call it cheating) to speed up the process. My tools of the trade are Photoshop CS5, a little Wacom tablet, and a million free fonts.

Teaching

I prefer to think of myself as a sharer (aka, rambling opinionated person.) After years of helping other inspiring artists get past their fears of making mistakes to finally push to make a better painting, it just seemed natural to turn it to my passion for writing passionately. I want to read some sexy stories, and if I can help writers face their insecurities and see how to construct their scenes better, I will selfishly get my wish. Not to mention, I love breaking things down. It helps me as a writer, feeds my creativity, and lets me push past my anxiety disorder.

SHAMELESS DARK FANTASIES

*for an in depth look at abuse, the intelligence of the body and psyche, and how dark topic erotica helps survivors accept their bodies, their arousal, and themselves, I wrote an informative piece titled ‘Dark Fantasies For Abuse Survivors.’

I want to address the elephant–or in this case, the naked, gay, tied up man–in the room. Sex. Dark sex. ‘Inappropriate’ sex or ‘obscene’ sex. I was raised in a shame based culture. I live in America where we still have obscenity laws which differentiates obscenity from erotica as, ‘I know it when I see it,’ and ‘whether the work, taken as a whole, lacks serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value.’ Free speech does not protect whatever someone decides obscenity is, and let me say how outrageous that is. Shame takes away the protection of freedom of speech.

Part of the problem with shame is the inability for people to study sex with an open mind and heart for fear of being judged and ostracized from their society. So let me present to you the value I have found in writing dark sex fantasies for a living, while I also point out the writers of serial killers, the writers of alien invasions or fantasy do not need to justify the value of what they do. They do not have to fear their books being removed from sites and stores and their livelihood taken away because someone ‘knew it when they saw it.’ Most everyone has sexual fantasies. I write darker fantasies because they interest me, and I feel they have a stronger impact on people than common erotica. I think dark fantasies are what a lot of people need when they live in a repressed culture. I think the more the world demands people be a certain way to fit in, the more sexual fantasies come in to alleviate pressure by creating healthy, judgement free outlets.

I want you to know there is absolutely nothing wrong with having dark sexual fantasies. Ever. No matter the shape or the form. A fantasy is a fantasy. They do not demand action; they do not demand anything from you but to hopefully understand yourself better. That is what writing fantasies and sharing them with others does; it allows the writer to understand his/her psyche better and it allows the reader to understand his/her psyche. When we understand who we are, when we pull back shame, and fear, and self hate and can see every aspect of who we are is worthy of love, we become better people.

I cannot, unfortunately stop the world from judging those who rise above shame and learn to be happy with who they are. This is not a new battle. Homosexuality is still criminal in parts of the world because some cultures refuse to accept people the way they are. In America, I have watched a war on the poor grow more and more horrific because those who make the laws don’t see low income individuals as worthy of basic human rights. My shame based culture is not limited to sex, although a lot is connected with the body. From sexual desires and urges to the amount of fat we have, our height, our skin color, our age, our hair, our facial features, the way we smell, the way we dress, the way we speak, the way our bodies move, the cars we drive, the things we own; this world spends every waking moment trying to tell people they are not okay exactly how they are. If they just brush their teeth, lose 50 lbs, get a high paying job, and be ten years younger they can finally be happy.

You can be happy now, this very instant, and you don’t have to do anything but accept who you are and be okay with it. You can say the wrong thing and still be a good person. You can wear clothes with holes in them (counting five in my current outfit) and still have value. You can read a dirty story and still be an awesome person. You can even write a dirty story and manage to help the world too.

This is not a plea to not be judged; this is a hope for people to stop judging themselves. It’s bad enough people hate themselves for their own bodies. It’s even more destructive to hate yourself for your own sexual fantasies. Shameless isn’t a bad word. Shame, in comparison, is the most destructive idea humanity has come up with. You are beautiful exactly as you are.

Peace,

~Sadie