Archive: February 28, 2019

February 28

Oh dear…

I just discovered I can create tables like in Excel but on the website, and then link individual cells into whatever part of the website I want. I see this becoming a doomed obsession of neurotic word count. Yes, I’ll be making it to save time so I won’t have to do the counting again later, but that’s only because I obsessively count this shit in the first place. @_@

This will be FUN.♥ Because that’s the monster I have for a brain. >_>


February 28

Insomnia :/

Dealing with some very frustrating insomnia the last few days. It’s a weird type, and I’m not super sure how to deal with it. I fall asleep around 4:30 am, get woken when the bf leaves for work, and then I’m suddenly wide awake about 2 hours later. It’s about 5 hours sleep total, which isn’t bad, but my body just drags for hours after, exhausted, trying to get those last hours I missed. It’s a gross limbo where I’m not really awake but I can’t sleep. I usually end up falling asleep again a little after noon, and when I wake up, I feel like a person again but I’ve lost so much time.

I’ve been wanting to get up at a ‘proper’ time. Sleeping through daylight leads to issues, the most annoying being how everything is closed and I turn into an antisocial mess. >_> Ugh, but this is like zombie mornings of doom, and I don’t know why my body keeps doing this. I feel like I’m losing half my day. :/


February 26

I might have started exercising again…

I’ve been putting it off this time around now that my health is back. I’m really just so wary of it all, I think. But I spent 30 minutes doing aerobic exercise yesterday and it was easy. I mean, weirdly easy. Lol, when you can breathe, everything feels so much easier. I keep expecting that being sick this long would naturally lead to muscle atrophy; it just makes sense. But whatever the mold toxicity, allergies, and Parkinson’s have done, it doesn’t seem to have led to any kind of long term muscular problems. As long as I ensure my body gets dopamine where it needs to get it, I’m fine.

I want to push to have a more active lifestyle–and it will take pushing. I’m not good at doing something without a proper purpose. The idea of running on a wheel like a mouse just doesn’t fit my idea of life. But I need to get this body moving. We’re not like machines; we don’t wear down faster when we move. No, this organic form needs conflict and mild forms of stress to push it to grow and evolve and adapt. Muscle growth requires the small breakage of those muscle fibers first before healing into a form that can handle more weight. It’s a strangely profound metaphor for life.

Being uncomfortable may feel like shit, but when you embrace it as life defining moments that build you into something greater than you started, it takes on a whole new meaning.


?Site Makeover and Looking for MM Taboo Writers?

Hey babes!

It has been an intense last few weeks. I feel like I’ve been staring at code for a lifetime and just lifted my head up to realize it’s winter. @_@ Did the zombie apocalypse happen? Did I miss fluffy pirate shirts coming back in style and then going back out? What year is it?

Thankfully, the website is finally—FINALLY!!!!—done, and I did it in a way that I will never have to take this long again to update it. (Well, unless I scrap it and start from scratch.) Emails have all been sent out, so check your spam folders for your new passwords and such. Everyone got a free month because of just how freaking long the transfer took. I’ll be writing start Monday and getting back to new content.

The design is a little bit goth punk, a little bit midlife crisis… XD

I went with a very funky kind of style that cheers me up every time I see it. I’ll be honest, babes, being sick for so long has taken a lot of joy out of me. I thought getting healthy would automatically bring that sparkling, joyful person back, but the years have beaten me down a bit. I feel like some days I am literally scraping to find those silver linings in life and get a smile to grow. Part of this website makeover has been about reminding me of who I am, the things I like, the part of me that finds writing a fun, crazy party. I need my fun back, and I’m hoping when people are on the website, they’ll be feeling fun too.

There are some new pricing options with the new website too. $5 Exclusive Reads and $5 Exclusive WIPs. I wanted to offer an economical choice to readers who like to pop in from time to time verse every day. Maybe you’re someone who doesn’t want to read anything new until it’s 100% finished, or maybe you don’t want to spend $10 just to read that one favorite WIP. This will hopefully address those kinds of problems.

Looking for MM Taboo Authors

I’ve had about a dozen authors hit me up at one point or another asking how to get around the unfair censorship and banning that’s been happening on Amazon and other major book retail platforms when it comes to taboo writing. The thing is, unless you’re starting with a website that Google says is trustworthy because it’s been around forever, or you have mad money to outbid Amazon or Goodreads for ads, it is very hard to compete outside of Amazon. It’s damn near impossible to make a living if you can’t be found, not to mention just the plain demoralizing feeling that comes with realizing the fantasies you write are not only being judged by faceless corporations, but aren’t protected from discrimination the way any other subject is. This is the kind of shit that kills the joy of writing.

It’s the corporate mindset that it’s okay to discriminate because there are plenty of places out there for people to find ‘that kind of stuff.’ Well, while Amazon might think erotic books are part of the porn industry or adult market, few writers want to brand themselves alongside a wall full of flesh and sex just because some prudish outsiders think that’s what this writing is all about. It’s not how many erotic writers want to present themselves as a brand, or their writing in general. And to be clear, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the adult industry—they have to deal with enough bullshit discrimination as it is, and I’m not saying this to separate myself or my writing from their industry like I’m superior or some shit. No, I just don’t believe erotica comes from the same mindset. I feel like the adult industry has become industrialized in a lot of ways to the point that story and character development is mostly stripped away, and as a writer of books, that just doesn’t fit for me.

I write erotica for emotionally receptive individuals. It’s not just a fuck fic; it’s a story that gets you into a mindset to enjoy a fuck fic. A miniature psychological escape from the repression and bullshit of a world that doesn’t blink twice at censoring books to the point that I had an adult store owner say she wouldn’t want to carry any of my books that contained taboo content. This kind of discriminatory messaging doesn’t just stay on a platform, it spreads like a sick disease. It spreads the way shame does, hurting people, making them feel bad, and forcing judgments on the books they write and the creators themselves.

Amazon and other narrow minded platforms have made it so taboo and dark erotic stories don’t have a place. Where we’re not allowed to compete on equal footing in a market that is very much ravenous for this type of writing. Where others won’t promote our books in their newsletters while we promote theirs—this isn’t all authors, btw. I’ve had plenty of great authors who are more than happy to promote my books. But I’ve also had authors tell me my books just aren’t appropriate for their audience of adults. I’ve watched this get worse and worse over the last five years as a writer with little I felt I could do besides share with other authors what I’ve done personally to make it this far.

A Tentative Plan

I’m not rich, babes. Being ill this entire time has basically put all my money into meds and treatments and finding answers that took way too long to find. Writing books that can’t be placed on major platforms has limited my income greatly—I’m talking a loss of thousands per book. But even so, my books helped pay my bills when there are so many authors who never earn a buck for what they do. And if they want to write crazy fun, sexy, dark erotica? Many give up the moment their first book is banned because it makes them feel like shit. It’s not just knowing the world is broken, but also knowing there is someone out there who thinks you’re fucked up for writing what you write. It is a shitty, self-destructive feeling no one should have to face alone.

I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to set this up, but I want a guest author area. What I’m envisioning is a page for each author where you can read one of their short stories, click a link, and be taken to either their webpage if they have one, or a direct link to where you can buy their book(s). If you’ve been on my site, you know it’s basically impossible to download the stories from there—I’m sure to the frustration of many XD—so a guest author wouldn’t have to fear their stories being stolen and passed around.

And I want to pay each author for putting their short story on my website.

A predatory market

Let’s be real. There are plenty of writing publications, magazines, etc, who don’t pay for submissions. There are some so fucking disgusting, they charge a submission fee for the privilege of possibly being published with them. You know, the fee they charge for them to do a job that brings them money in. I don’t remotely come close to having the type of money an organization like that has, but I know I can still do better and actually pay writers for what they do.

You shouldn’t have to be poor to be a writer. You shouldn’t assume if you go into writing, you’re never going to make any money unless you’re writing nonfiction. Content is king in this digital age, but we’re still dealing with a bunch of assholes who profit off the backs of others while never giving back to the creators who made them popular in the first place. I refuse to be another writer who contributes to a broken system instead of demanding better. So, yeah… plans.

This is going to happen, I’m just not 100% sure how, just yet. If you’re a writer of MM taboo fiction and interested in having a spot in the guest authors’ area, email me and we’ll get an idea of what can work. I’m considering $100 per approved submission, no bullshit about exclusivity or rights—they’re your stories, not mine, and the entire point is to help sales, not lock your story on my website. Oh, and things in the membership part of my site aren’t read by Amazon bots, so you don’t have to worry about any KU bullshit either.

Someone has to make the world better

I’m hardly a perfect person, but just how long do we have to stare at a blatant, disgusting problem like discriminatory censorship before we try to do something about it? This is the kind of thing you have to learn to be loud about, and for me it’s difficult after a lifetime of shame messaging.

I am not ‘immune’ babes; I’m just bullheaded. I didn’t really get a grasp of how negative messaging about sex had destroyed generations of people until I found myself in a business class among entrepreneurial adults who kept calling me ‘brave.’ Not brave for starting a business–we were all there to do just that. No, brave for daring to sell dark erotic fantasies side by side with every other legit business out there. I was the BRAVE one because even among brilliant, resilient people, there was a level of discomfort around sex.

The world deserves better. It takes enough of a psychological toll to write a book and self publish in general. Why do we have to have fucked up cultural shame placed on top of that too? I refuse to accept it. The world can be better, and eventually I will never have to be called brave for doing what every other self published author does.

Peace, babes. Hope you enjoy the new website, and I look forward to getting back to writing.


February 22

And now I’m going to hit my head against a wall…

No, no bedtime. Already 5 am dealing with the fact that Paypal won’t process the subscription on the checkout page but it will on any other page. WTF?

I am so sick of computers. This shit is all about WORKING, making life easier, but it never works. It never does what it’s supposed to. All I do is find workarounds to make broken software thousands to fucking millions of people use every fucking day. Tech is finicky like it’s organic, but it’s not organic, it’s fucking tech, so work! Ugh.

I might have to sign up for some sort of exclusive paypal thing, except this shit shouldn’t even require it, and it may not even be the problem but the fact that it’s a virtual product but not a download–this is stupid shit! Stupid, pointless, who the fuck puts something out there broken instead of, you know, fixing your damn shit?!

I’m so tired. =_= bitchy and tired and this shit never ends.


February 22

Seriously? Ugh…

Spent the day transferring people and I’ve only gotten 42 done? This is going to take forever. =_=

I don’t even understand why this is taking so long. I can’t seem to get a damn flow. I’m stopping now because it’s something I don’t want to make mistakes about, and being tired = mistakes. I don’t feel like I’m moving slowly. If anything, it feels like the world is way too slow. Waiting for a webpage to load feels excruciating. I’m set to a certain pace and the computer just can’t keep up.

I dunno, I might have to tap the love of my life in for some back up, otherwise this is going to take so freaking long. I’m so done with this computer shit. I want to get back to writing. I have so many damn ideas and I’m just stuck waiting, being a boring adult instead of getting to the good stuff.

My goal is to get it done before the weekend. Problem solving; it’s my thing. So I’ll just problem solve this into a more streamlined solution.


February 21


I hate repetition. I feel like I’m trapped doing homework or some shit while transferring members. Normally I’d turn this into an assembly line sort of thing, but I don’t feel confident enough in trying to mass produce something that if I were to fuck up could result in passwords sent to the wrong people, or cancellation dates being messed up. So this. Redundant, repetitive, mundane data entry.

When I was young and full of terrible anxiety, I used to think data entry would be the perfect job. How simple. Just put info in the right boxes and never have to talk to a living soul. Bliss. Seeing as I want to claw my eyes out, I might have been idealizing that particular occupation just a tad. >_>

Yes, I stopped to bitch! I’m bored, and I hate this, and now that I’m in my 30’s I’m fucking done with homework! XD I want to blast something loud and energizing but the bf is napping right next to me as I work. *grumpy face*



February 21

I dreamed of CSS :/

I wish I was joking, but no. I kept waking up, my mind racing, trying to solve whatever pointless echo of a problem it was remembering from the computer stuff. So glad to be done with this. My house is a mess; I honestly can’t say when I last showered or even ate a proper meal. Sleep? Ha.

The next steps should flow faster. Or, at least, be so mundane that it shouldn’t actually engage my creative process enough to require full obsessive attention. Data entry. Blah. My goal is to have it all done by the weekend, then to recover and get back to writing.

I haven’t taken my supplements in a couple days. I’m kinda using the down time as an excuse to test my limits now that my health has returned. It’s been interesting. I have to actively remember I’ve been sick now. Like, I’ve already forgotten because the pain is gone and my clarity is back. It’s really unexpected considering just how long I have unconsciously identified myself as ill. I think I need a new author photo, actually. I don’t need the mask anymore (well, as long as I stay out of that messed up room full of who the hell knows what.) Everything has changed and my consciousness needs to catch up…


February 19

Almost done, for real

As excruciating as updating the website was, there is a silver lining in all this. 1) it looks fucking awesome! Seriously, it’s gorgeous. I feel like it’s my damn birthday or something, I’m just so happy with how it looks and responds. 2) I will never, ever, ever have to take a fucking week to update the website again. No, I spent the entire day today (after finally convincing myself it was worth the effort) to put in the css ID’s for both pattern styles on each and every damn page. Argyle and Skulls each have their own setting. That way, the next time I want to change out the background images, update fonts, etc, I just go into my theme editor, go to the corresponding css sections, and I can change everything in the matter of seconds. No joke. No more going in page to page to adjust little font colors on specific backgrounds on every page; it’s all in the css now. If I decide the skulls are too busy (but they’re so cute! I learned how to make seamless background! <3) I can switch out to a png image and change the font color to contrast in moments. Love it!

It’s such a fucking relief. I’ve been using this cool search/replace plugin that lets me update the database in an instant, but for whatever reason, it wouldn’t update any transparent pngs. The code would change but I was forced to go to every page that png was on, open it up in the editor and save it before it would load the new image. Every fucking time. @_@ Not with the ID tags. Nope, I just update the image there and it loads those pngs like it’s nothing. Thank fuck.

So, yeah, a fuck ton of time spent now, but worth it to avoid all the time I would have spent later. And I would have. I’m fucking neurotic and obsessive and yeah, apparently getting healthy means my brain has more power over my impulses than before. There is no way I can play an RPG again; I would never stop.

A few more things to wrap up from building the new landing pages for the $5 options, and remembering which little option (totally doesn’t do what it says it will do) that keeps making it so my shop is invisible to non members. Fucking obnoxious. And then sending out emails with new passwords, etc. But almost done. I can’t wait to start creating a ton of content to flood this beautiful site with. <3


February 16

Whoa, what?!!!

I think I finally understand CSS! XD

Shit, okay, so to be clear, I started this website when I was super sick and my cognitive function was suffering. Mold, whatever. I didn’t bother learning how to build a website but just learned the little spots here and there that I needed in the moment when shit went bad. Today, while making little div tags, I realized I have been making my life unnecessarily difficult. I don’t need to go page to page to create a layout and copy it over, I can just set a div tag (or whatever you call the damn things) and in the CSS choose things from margins to background images/colors, etc. Every fucking time. I could make a template in the CSS and then hit the right little tag that tells the computer to do everything.

Because this is how themes are made @_@ Shit, I’m slow. I would litterally make something like a header tag, set up the CSS, and then let the damn thing do it’s thing on every page. I can do a search replace right this instant (but later cuz I need to see some daylight before it’s fully gone) and place tags for all my code already made and just let the template do its thing once the template is made. Easy shit with less shortcodes! I can change all the backgrounds just by updating the CSS instead of page to page or through the database replace! Fucking win.

Seriously, how did I not see this before with all these exhausting edits? The shortcut to everything was right in front of me this entire time and I missed it. Dumb. But fuck, what a feeling to figure it out. XD This is how people make their own themes. Duh!