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So Why Didn’t Gay Marriage Solve Everything? 🍄

Hey, babes ^^

So let me start by saying I don’t want to craft walls and bars with words so that people feel this is the only reality. This is the difficulty of society—the difficulty of being a storyteller when people reading the story don’t understand reality is not actually confined by our perception of it. We are confined by our perceptions of reality. I’m going to tell a story about how I see parts of reality and why I write what I write. This reality is not shared by everyone—thank fuck—but I’d love to hear your responses. I love to talk about this shit. XD Oh, and fuck, I will be getting back to the comments of last week. I got most of you—I’m so excited you’re excited about the Demon Virus interactive story! I just got caught up in writing and didn’t want to leave.

With that out of the way, I love the premise of this book and I want to talk about it! I haven’t read it yet, to be totally upfront. Once Hellcat is done I’m going to indulge in fun, damn it! (and yeah, this kind of reading is totally fun for me and my inner nerd… as is writing… as is writing Hellcat—I’m actually having lots of fun. XD) But just reading the premise, I think you can understand where ‘Sadie Sins’ might be really on board with this whole concept and it has my mind sparking.

Why Straight Guys Love Their Gay Guys: Reviving the Roots of Male Sexuality

After fifty years of progress and the advent of gay marriage, statistics on the well-being of gay men are as grim as ever. Rates of suicide, alcoholism, and drug abuse have not budged. Anxiety, depression, loneliness, and poor health are just as widespread. Studies have shown that gay men who live in urban gay communities actually are worse off, not better.

The utopia promised by gay marriage has not materialized. Gay men seem to have run out of ideas for future progress. There is little acknowledgment of the fact that something remains badly wrong. Nor is there a diagnosis of what is wrong.

This book proposes that the diagnosis is obvious if we look at the origins of male sexuality and how it was expressed in other cultures. The anti-sex Puritan system in which we are now immersed is relatively recent in human history. Yet in less than 2,000 years, knowledge of how other cultures lived and loved has been systematically wiped out. The forms of male sexuality were remarkably similar from culture to culture. But starting with the early Europeans in the last years of Rome and continuing around the globe as Europeans colonized the continents, natural male sexualities have been cruelly repressed and then obliviated. We are all Puritans now.

The greatest taboo of all in male sexuality remains unchallenged and is still heavily enforced. That is the taboo of male-male sex, which until 2003 was still a crime. This book argues that the plight of gay men is only a piece of a much larger catastrophe — the Puritanical repression of the sexualities of all men, in an attempt to harness the enormous power of male sexuality for social purposes in the name of moral progress, with promises of greater glories to be found in heaven. The damage that Puritanism caused to human beings and to stable social systems was never noticed. In fact the damage and misery were regarded as good. It was seen as payback to the devil.

This book is not arguing for something new, untested, unknown, and radical. Rather, the challenge is to return to something very old — the joy of male-male sex — which took similar forms in most of the cultures that we have knowledge of. In such worlds, it was understood that some men are more masculine than others, that some men are gayer than others, and that heterosexuality and homosexuality are complementary and of equal value. And those old worlds were worlds in which every gay man was able to take for granted what to us today is the impossible dream — sex with a straight best friend.

The Root of Sin is a Story

This is the root of all my stories, from the dirtiest noncon/dubcon/beast/incest/degradation to the sexy, happy fluff. This is why I write sex, to offer a narrative that to ‘give in’ to your fears and break the societal constructs surrounding sex will allow you to find pleasure instead of the sin. The sin is a lie, it’s something we were taught, not something that exists. But our brains hold power over us, our narratives—the narratives of society, of the casual little phrases we don’t even think about that create the bars to the cage that say sex is bad and wanting sex means you’re bad. That sweat, shit, tears, cum, vomit, urine, blood, flesh, bones—these things that are a part of living in a human body, something every single person on this planet experiences—is on some level bad and offensive. The body must be hidden and those who don’t hide theirs are narcissists, deviants, godless, seducers, sluts, asking to be harmed because to have a body is to deserve to be raped. These are the narratives we hear every day, little stories that filter in and our brains pick up and form a construct of the world around us.

This is also the root of censorship—I know, that other thing I love talking about! XD I find censorship extra fascinating because rarely is it just for reality but for imitations of reality. If you’ve been watching news about Trump and his ‘shithole’ comment, I hope you’re laughing as loudly as I am every time a newsperson goes to say the word shithole and instead they say something like “bleephole” or “you-know-what hole” XD OMG. They can’t even quote reality. Someone, somewhere is demanding these people not say certain words, and my fuck, they fucking listen, don’t they? They create a complete construct around avoiding certain mouthsounds, and those who don’t conform are punished. Book censorship of course is just as insane—the belief that an idea is wrong and shouldn’t be allowed to exist or people will be harmed.

Sit with that for a bit. Lol. So many people afraid of their brains, claiming their actions are powerless to their thoughts. How easy it would be to justify murder if we truly believed we weren’t responsible for our actions? We thought about killing someone, then we did—blame the thing that gave us the idea, not the choice of committing an action. Society can see how ludicrous that is for murder—usually, don’t get me started on the Stand Your Ground law—but for sex? For an internal desire expressed in the body that our history (and some current cultures) claim is just as atrocious as murder? Far less rational thought occurs when reacting to a societal message of morality.

The Societal System

Society pushes to say ‘don’t accept who you are unless… *insert demand*’ Unless you look a certain way, unless you act a certain way, unless you get that paycheck of a certain amount, unless some god loves you, unless you sacrifice, unless you earned it, unless you prove you’re worthy, unless your parents/teacher/priest/doctor/boss/celebrity/friend/someone approves… unless you’re something else. The message is you aren’t good enough as is; you must be something else and then you will be acceptable and loved. And this isn’t just the big society, that vague ‘them’ that encompasses a state or continent. There are tons of societies from groups of friends, to families, to the workplace, to your singular mind, and in this particular book’s case, the gay community.

I fear just the act of placing the gay label is the first step in this slippery slope of crafting cages and demanding of yourself to be something else concerning sexuality. It was in the lesbian scene I saw the most fighting, the most cruelty, the most anger. I met women abused by men who turned to women, only to be abused again. Or to abuse others. To seek drugs, to steal, to break up relationships, to blame others for their actions. Everyone was a hookup instead of a person. Everyone a savior to prove they’re worthy instead of a person. I saw women who demonized men, women who demonized mothers, women who demonized beautiful women—really, just pick a ‘type’ and someone hated them because of how they looked, how they acted, how they existed.

I saw so much unhappiness in that place, including the beautiful group of males who crossdressed as females and were so defensive, it felt like I was in a war scene when they stepped off stage and walked through a sea of women and seemed to expect to be attacked/judged/mocked. And given the sea of these hurt women, they might have had experience to feel that way. I saw women who desperately needed to have their peers reflect them so they could see who they were. It was identity through the control of others. Identity through comparing. Identity through reacting. They could only find themselves when interacting with others—others who had to fit their narrative or were punished. And why did those who were hurt by not fitting stay to fit? Because they gained identity by staying, by being labeled. Every person there was there by choice.

I can’t speak for gay men in that scene. Why? Because the sexes were segregated when it came to gay and lesbian and the clubs and parties I found myself at. I think part of the whole meat market aspect of that scene was, if you’re not in the market, you’re not welcome. I dunno. Maybe they couldn’t reflect off of such a different looking person—a man—so they kept them away? Maybe what the did reflect pushed them away? I can speculate but I don’t actually know. If I knew there were men out there who hated me just because of my gender the way some of those women hated men (even if those roots were based in abuse,) I probably wouldn’t be in a rush to hang out. XD

A Living Narrative

So, this is a story of the past that doesn’t exist anymore. One place in time through the eyes of one curious woman whose brain loves to find patterns in people and understand. These are moments in my life I remember to write the narrative of today–even if today is completely different. And this is part of the problem; we as humans take the past and project it into the future. We decide everything we know makes us a fortune teller. XD

During that time I spoke with women who left the scene who confided how painful it had been for them, how insane it was compared to being sexually evolved out in the world. I was still watching the scene trying to understand why everyone seemed to have a prescription or a drug or a trauma they were taking while calling themselves these two dimensional labels and looking to be seen but not really known. I was straight out of the psych ward hanging with a lesbian (who by the time I left was considering identifying as a male) who was fresh out of prison, and I had a bipolar bisexual girlfriend (who called herself a lesbian once she started dating me but nearly married a man right before.) The bubble I was in was real but that doesn’t mean it was the entire view.

After the psych ward, where you’re labeled by your brain/behavioral ‘malfunction’—you know, the true way to identify who you are, by the thing that fucks up your life completely and you can never be free of. XD The illness that makes you wrong compared to everyone else; that’s who you are. Sigh. Now that’s a system of suffering that keeps people suffering, and after the psych ward, the scene just seemed all too familiar. You can be sexually free, but only when you label, so make sure you know what your label is and don’t try to change it. We already have identified you by this label and we don’t want to be confused or worse, annoyed. Your sexuality is a judgment on us, especially if you ever fucked us—don’t you dare be bisexual or trans, cus that just confuses the fuck out of us and our sexual identity.

It was a beautiful chaos of pain as people tried to discover themselves while stepping on everyone’s toes. As much as they hurt each other, they hurt themselves even more, and the ones who stayed—so many stay until they find what they need—they hurt themselves the most.

Why Do We Do It?

I love people, I truly do. I love their insanity as they claw at themselves demanding the impossible while hoping against hope if they reach that goal, the suffering will finally stop. And while they’re clawing at themselves, they’re screaming at anyone who looks a little like them, demanding the same of them—be perfect, be this, be the thing I need so I can be free already. Hurry the fuck up and be what I want! XD Ah, it’s so powerful, so amazing, so fucking cruel and beautiful and we demand of our loved ones first, don’t we? Those who provide us the most on a material and emotional level we then refuse to allow to be free of our filter. If you change, then who am I?

I can look back and see how lost I was when I was this person who needed others to be a certain way so I could feel safe in the world. Err… like a year ago. XD This part is not an old story and she still pops up time to time. What an exhaustion trying to get people to change just so I could calm the fuck down over stupid shit like dishes. And what pain I inflicted on myself with my own demands.

Lol, that’s why my writing is so different these last months with less a focus on completion and more on actually writing the story as it wants to be. I finally learned to stop demanding so much of myself, and I’m still learning. A writer can be an ass to herself and decide if editing isn’t perfect, you suck. (whoops.) If that novel isn’t published by the end of the month, you’re a horrible person. And then you can find other writers to agree with that inner bitchy voice. It’s easier to see the interactions with my loved ones and stop, but the pain I commit on myself by having all those inner demands? Whooo, it has taken time.

It takes time not to respond to my loved ones when they come to me to identify them. When some days they want to feel weak and helpless in the world and they lash at me to give them the promise that I’m strong enough to carry it all for them, or that I perceive them incapable so they don’t have to try. Sometimes they define me by the mold toxicity so that they can be my hero for a little bit even if it means I can’t be my hero. It’s not a one way street—everyone is in a relationship by choice to gain whatever it is they need. Some people are afraid to move forward and they want someone to point it out to them so that they can tell themselves they don’t have to move forward, they can just be angry at you, bitch. XD Or they ask you for advice, ask you to carry them and do it for them, and when you don’t, ah, what a washing away of responsibility. Such bliss. They don’t have to do it because they handed you the responsibility, and if you don’t do it, oh, well, it gets to slip away and be unimportant, dragged out only during later arguments to ‘win’ in the battle of dominance for the right to narrate the shared story. Lol, it’s beautiful.

This could be the pain of the group, of the lgbt community that holds itself back, that demands others be a certain way because they have to be a symbol, a representation of an entire sexual movement. It has to look a certain way, and if you don’t fit you shouldn’t be allowed to exist as you are—change for us so we look the way we should.

Freedom to marry doesn’t give you anything when you’re not free to be yourself. It doesn’t change the way you think the world still sees you. It doesn’t change the way you still see yourself. It’s not only straight people who have the ability to judge. I see so many who have struggled to find their sexual identity and they feel threatened by the existence of someone similar but different. I have plenty of gay people still tell me bisexuality isn’t real. Some fear the spectrum because then they don’t know where they fit, who they are without the sexuality label nice and clear. I love writing straight to gay because of this—to show that facing the fear of being different from your self expectations can lead to pleasure.

My theme as a writer seems to be submission to inner dark desire=pleasure. XD I knew nothing about bdsm when I started writing erotica—I thought it was a super tacky genre from the few books I read at the time with all their equipment and living in clubs and their silly rules. All I saw was the structure and none of the underlying emotion. Now, after studying the push and pull of the human psyche as it seeks relief in others, I see the struggle of relinquishing to self.

So funny, the battle of the ego just looking for an escape to let go, looking for someone to save them because they don’t want to think they have the power. If they have the power, then they’re obligated to change their life, right? No thank you, just hand that over to the guy with the whip. XD Keep the changes in a safe place, one room, one little therapeutic dose of giving away control, giving in to desire without fear of consequence in the real world. A structured fantasy with the only one to judge being yourself and your partner.

Toxic Fruit

I like the premise of the book, of the greater society, of history and religion and the rejection of the human form being the roots of this problem. I want to see if it goes further. The roots still feed the plants that bear fruit, and where do we see the hurt coming from when history is dust, and morality is merely a system in place that no one is actually controlling? Why do those newspeople really hold back from swearing on television? Do they give a fuck about the concept of morality, or do they care about losing their jobs? Individual humans in this world punish them, and those who are punished choose to accept that’s the trade off to being free to speak certain words on TV—ha! I live in a country where we hold up free speech as some big right while saying it’s not allowed on television. Wow. Individuals strike out at others, demand from them what they demand of themselves to keep the world one way. They perpetuate the message while being bombarded by the message.

We are intelligent beings with technology and information beyond anything we have had before, but we still repeat the broken messages that keep us trapped. Why? Because we open our mouths and speak them. We do this; we are society. We teach our kids to be ashamed of the very bodies they are born into, while we look for ways to stop hating ourselves. We tell ourselves we can’t win in fights we never bother to battle. We create a god we must impress, must live up to, or we will suffer damnation. We decide that speaking up deserves pain, so only the most brave speak up. We create all the monsters that we end up battling or avoiding, while blaming the monsters.

Redefining Reality

Is that an ugly thought? Should it be censored so people don’t have to feel uncomfortable? The beauty of these systems that hurt us is how a changing of the message can save us. If the system in place is redefined, everything it touches redefines. Oh, let’s say the Pope declared sin nothing more than a fallacy of the mind used to control society, and every church in the system took up that belief and spread it to the followers. The next generation of Roman Catholics (and whoever listens to the Pope) could be free of sin. Actually free, instead of the indoctrination of bestowing original sin on every child born just so they could ‘baptize’ it away.

What if the psychiatric community decided to look into how allergies are linked to mental illness? What if they taught how most people who have allergies but don’t produce a certain response are far more likely to suffer mentally from bipolar to depression to mania to agitation to ocd to fits of rage, hence the rise of suicides during high pollen counts? What if when your kids are taught about nutrition, they’re not taught skewed information in there by companies—sugar—who don’t want people to know their product is not required on any level?

Systems allow for very big changes in a short amount of time and hey, they’re already in place. The media is such a system, which is why we have some channels spewing the extreme conservative narrative of ‘fear your neighbor and self,’ and others the extreme liberal narrative of ‘nothing you do is good enough unless you reach our blessed heights.’ I’m a liberal and my fuck, it’s like being a vegan among vegans—you’re never fucking good enough. Lately, I feel like I’m back in church answering to some faceless god of morality claiming gloom and doom if ideas exist and it totally sucks. No wonder Trump is terrified of the media. It’s a system bigger than him capable of changing the narrative of the world, the narrative he can’t reflect off of. He chose his enemy and his enemy grows bigger because of it.

But the caveat? Even when a system changes, it’s still up to the individual to change, to let the old message go. To allow through their filter of the world for things to be different, for things to be fun and not so fucking serious. Ugh, everyone is so damn serious. Do you know how many authors I see resend newsletters over fucking typos? Typos. Gah. I had an old guy glaring at me Christmas Eve—the entire night—and only found out when he said goodbye that he was offended by my lipring. XD I had it for 10 years but he was certain it would be infected by tomorrow because something in his past made his perception of my reality look dangerous.

Our brains are the system of oppression we’re trapped in. We perceive the messages and give them importance enough to actually follow them. Every message out in the world was first conceived in someone’s mind, which was then expressed through language where other minds picked it up, decided it was important, and followed or rejected. I used to think a vow of silence was about being able to finally hear yourself; now I wonder if it’s to do no harm on the world through the influence of words. But the words aren’t the harm, it’s still the minds that turn them into something more and act upon that belief.

There are so many people out there afraid of their thoughts. I wonder when they’ll see that they choose to act, they choose to make thoughts into an action? They choose to believe a message and hold onto it, making it part of their identity.

We Are the Storyteller

In our brains live these realities, these perceptions, these characters born of narratives—I think you’ve all met my characters in stories. XD But just as I’m an obvious storyteller, we are all telling a story about the world and about ourself. We tell the story that our attraction and gender is a part of our identity, that our job gives us value, that our family is a reflection of ourself, that if we’re not liked then we are bad/lacking, that our face defines our beauty, that to lose everything is to really lose everything.

It can be so hard to break out of that story, to see that we still persist even when everything changes. Maybe that is the joy of reading. For me it is the joy of writing. I write freedom (sexy, dirty freedom, lol) for every character I conceive. Maybe to experience a narrative—any narrative—between pages feels safer, allows us to see how we can wiggle free of the story of our life and be something else—but safely, in our brains, because that is where that story lives.

The reality is, for all my intentions, I can only hope people find freedom in my books. For some, they may be perpetuating the cage they’re trapped in, seeing their own self dissatisfaction reflected in the characters and never following to where it’s okay to be okay with yourself. Lol, those outraged reviews from poor souls so angry about the sex or the swearing or the lack of consent or the typos; I don’t think they got it. XD Maybe a few more rounds in the story until they see it can’t hurt them, pleasure is actually pleasure no matter the circumstances in a story. Orgasm = good. My characters still seek freedom and I will still record it, but there is no way to control how any of it is perceived. It’s all in the reader’s mind.

The individual is the god of their story, their world, their life. As your personal storyteller, do you choose to be the hero, the victim, the protector, the caretaker, the child, the clown, the villain? Do you let it change or are you stuck with one identity, struggling to be more than your job or your role in a family or the thing that fucks your brain up? So many stories we write about life, but are any of them as satisfying as the ones where we learn to love ourselves? And… insert masturbation joke here. XD

I have rambled the fuck away. Today I’m an artist, an observer of life who seeks understanding in the name of freedom from my own brain. I hope in my little journey, you have found some too. Let the walls fall down and get some fresh air, eh?

The New Boy

An Iron Eagle Gym Novel

Lance Packet just got a contract to shoot an erotic BDSM deck of cards; the only problem is finding models. So far everyone he’s interviewed thinks he’s looking for sex for hire. Then in walk three perfect examples of men: Tide and his friends, Tyrone and Bran.

Tide Germaine is a model and a Dom. He and his best friend Tyrone opened The Iron Eagle Gym as a place for gay men in the lifestyle to work out, do scenes, and congregate with like-minded men. The modeling is just another job for Tide, but it soon turns into a grand seduction as Tide falls for the shy, self-conscious photographer. The problem is Lance doesn’t believe he’s in Tide’s league, and he’s not at all sure about the Dom and sub thing.

It’s not going to be easy, but Tide’s going to have to convince Lance he belongs at Tide’s side as both lover and sub.

A Night To Remember: Phoenix Wedding Night

A night of romance, passion, and love that they’ll never forget…

Love and passion are in the air as the newlywed couples share their first night together as husbands. Finally released from their celibacy pact, the men are more than ready for a long night of warm romance and heated love. But they aren’t the only ones sharing their hearts and their bodies as other couples, yet to be wed, make the most of this enchanting evening as well.

Note: This is an M/M romance and should be read by readers 18yo and above only.

 

 

The Drunk Email

Nick has had a crush on his older brother for as long as he could remember. Justin is just so perfect; handsome, strong with blond hair and blue eyes. It’s impossible to look anywhere else. Nick never thought he’d ever tell his brother how he felt. That was until Justin went on a school trip out of country and Nick got lonely and really drunk.

digital cover to print cover examples

Digital Cover

Paperback 5×8

keeping characters away from the edges is helpful if you end up losing your original file, otherwise Lovely’s hand would have had to have been remade, Feral’s arm was actually painted in. The original image (the digital cover) is the roadmap, so to speak of what you hope the trim will cut to.

Digital Cover

Paperback 5×8

biggest issue is just changing the aspect ratio of the initial digital cover to fit the 5×8 of the print cover. This includes bleeds (a sort of border around the entire piece) where the print cover will be trimmed down when cut as a paperback. But because trimming is inaccurate, it’s important to make sure your bleeds don’t look like shit, just in case you end up seeing part of it.

hc 24

SCENE TWENTY-FOUR

TJ struggled to blink the blur from his eyes. Above him swam someone, fuzzy and indistinct, with a tongue so sharp it could only be his best friend. TJ’s mind drifted a moment. Wasn’t Sean dead?

“Come on, idiot. Wake up. Wake the fuck up!”

It definitely sounded like Sean. TJ forced his dry lips to move. “Sean?”

“Duh,” Sean muttered, relief clear in his voice. “You have to get up. No offense, but I can’t carry your lard ass.”

TJ chuckled hoarsely and rolled to his side. “Liar. Have you seen your guns, man? You can so carry me.” He huffed as something fluffy and gray landed inches from his face and squeaked. “Ferdinand?” TJ’s brain ticked as his last memories flooded in. The shadows were alive…

Sean swatted TJ on the shoulder and grabbed for the cat. “You lazy ass. Come on, let’s go.” He bent down, finding TJ’s face when it seemed his neck refused to support his head. “You okay?”

TJ blinked slowly and took in Sean’s anxious eyes and flushed lips. “I thought you were dead.”

“Dead?”

TJ nodded and grunted as his muscles protested the movement. “I thought she killed you and was coming after me to take out any witnesses.”

Sean’s brows furrowed as he tried to understand what he was saying. “What, you mean Magnolia? You thought she killed me?”

That Sean was oblivious to the danger set TJ’s protective nature into overdrive, and he pushed himself up onto his arms. “Dude, these witches are crazy. I mean, like, crazy crazy. I was researching online. Magnolia is practically a serial killer with the way…” TJ trailed off as his eyes finally focused properly on Sean’s face. “Is that blood? Where are your glasses?” TJ’s breath hitched as he saw the small, black points just starting to push free of Sean’s forehead. “Those are… Why do you have horns?”

“Uhh…” Sean coughed awkwardly and avoided his gaze as he wrapped an arm under TJ’s shoulder. “We can talk about it later. We really need to—damn it.” The kitten slipped his grip and Sean was quick to pin it. “Crap.”

TJ followed to where Sean was staring, and inhaled sharply when he saw the giant horned panther standing in a mess of blood and what remained of a dragon. As they watched, the large cat shuddered and blurred, a shadow that swiftly morphed and melted, growing both thin and tall as it stretched up. TJ swallowed hard, his heart caught in his throat when the shadow formed into a familiar, human shape with demon horns and wings. He was covered in wicked looking blades for a moment before Soot shook and became smooth, caramel skin, long wavy black hair, and dangerous violet eyes.

“It’s that thing,” TJ rasped. “That mimic.” The questions of where he was and why a dragon was dead fled from his mind at the sight of the demon. He was just standing there, nude, his warm skin glistening as he kicked at the remains of the dragon’s corpse. TJ quickly slid his eyes up from his view of the large length swaying between the demon’s thighs and did his best to ignore the heat pooling through his core. It was the same one, the creature he caught kissing Sean like he was a delicious, rare dessert.

“That’s Soot,” Sean offered after a strained moment of silence. “He, uh, saved us.”

“Saved?” TJ turned back and nearly collapsed as his arms shook. “Sean, he’s the guy who knocked me out and kidnapped me from work!”

Sean’s licked his lips nervously and glanced to the side. “Did he?”

“Yes!” TJ gaped, at a loss when Sean flushed and refused to look his way. “Sean, he…” TJ fell silent, his eyes narrowed on his friend’s suspiciously swollen lips. Right, he’d been kissing him. That’s why Sean was all evasive and blushing like a guilty school boy. He was kissing the damn demon.

A surprising surge of jealously hit him, and it took a few deep breaths for TJ to get ahold of himself. Here he was kidnapped and god only knows where, and Sean was siding with the asshole demon who stole him away. It was bullshit. He couldn’t have known the creature more than a day, and he was picking a demon over his best friend of forever. And really, just how were they together now? Kissing. TJ scowled. Hadn’t the demon been locked up in that big cage in Magnolia’s apartment?

TJ glanced behind him and glared as Soot crouched down and cracked one of the wyvern’s fleshy wings in half with a twist of his hand. The beastly thing sure looked like he belonged in a cage.

“Sean, are you okay?” TJ reached for his arm, thought better of it, and instead scritched at Ferdinand’s twitchy ear. Maybe he was being ridiculous. Sean was like a brother, and TJ wanted to be happy for him. Just… why this demon? Why this damn demon with that bastard grin? He had to be fifty times worse than Blake, easy.

Sean finally looked his way, a grim smile plastered on his face. “I’m fine, TJ. Promise. Come on, we gotta get you out of here.” He threaded his arm around TJ’s waist, his grip beyond strong. While juggling the squirming kitten, he pulled TJ to his swaying feet. “We gotta hurry.”

TJ grasped at Sean’s shoulder as the room spun around him and squinted as he tried to get his bearings. “Where are we? Sean, slow down!”

Sean growled with barely contained urgency as he half dragged, half carried TJ away from the windows. “I promise I’ll explain everything, but first we have to get the fuck out of here. Shit… shit! Where the fuck is that door!”

TJ clicked his mouth shut when he caught sight of Sean’s face. His expression was beyond tense, and not like his normal panic attack overreactions. He was pale, like he was truly expecting death to strike at any moment. When Sean glanced his way, his eyes glittered with determination, the emotion almost unmarred by his unshed tears. “Okay.” TJ forced his wobbly legs to move properly and reached for the kitten mewling as it clawed at Sean’s arm for escape. “We’ll hurry.”

Sean’s smile was fleeting but brilliant. “Yeah. Let me get him; he’s all claws, this one.” Sean released TJ so he could use both hands to secure the kitten. TJ stumbled without Sean’s hold, and the floor rushed up straight for his face. An arm wrapped around his waist and TJ gasped, his eyes wide as he stared at the tile inches from his nose. “Erk.” Just as quickly as he fell, he was wrenched up and pulled to his feet. It took him a moment and TJ started when he found Sean feet away with the kitten hissing in his arms, eyes wider than saucers.

Oh, shit. TJ dared to look down and his heart pounded when he saw the dark coil wrapped tight around his waist. “S-Sean?” TJ croaked.

“Soot, what the fuck?” Sean rushed forward, and TJ yelped as the tail tightened and he was lifted off the ground. “Damn it. Let him go!”

TJ grasped at the impossibly strong flesh holding him and goggled when he saw how far the floor and Sean he was. Everything spun, and his stomach lurched as TJ crashed back against something hot and solid with a scent far too reminiscent of when he was stolen away. A powerful arm wrapped around his chest followed by more hot coils that twined around his legs and arms. Fuck, it had him. It definitely had him.

“Come on, man, you just ate an entire dragon,” TJ whispered, not quite sure if the frightened words made it past his trembling lips. “You don’t have to kill me.” He tensed when he heard a distinct chuckle and a hand grabbed the side of his face. Violet eyes glared into his, and TJ’s stomach twisted when he caught sight of that damn evil smirk. Mocking. The bastard was laughing at his fear. TJ wanted to say something smart, plead for his life, but he couldn’t get his shaking body to cooperate.

Fangs glinted between parted lips, sharp and deadly as they descended. TJ trembled and tried to wrench away. “D-Don’t, just—shit.” A hot, wet tongue licked up his cheek and TJ froze and squeezed his eyes shut. “I taste bad,” he choked out. “Really, really bad.” Soot didn’t seem to agree, his fingers tightening and pulling TJ’s head closer so he could lick up his jaw and over his ear. Teeth scraped his lobe and TJ yelped and whimpered lowly when no pain came.

“Soot, I will fucking kill you!” Sean reached where Soot had dragged TJ, his eyes wild as he saw how the demon had his friend completely trapped and encased in his hold. “Let TJ go!”

“Sean, don’t… don’t piss him off,” TJ pleaded desperately as claws pricked at his neck. “Just stay calm and… run…” He trailed off with a hiss as Soot’s tongue wet along the underside of his chin. The demon’s nose, lips and teeth all pressed to his vulnerable throat and TJ couldn’t speak anymore, his fear too great. He was going to rip his throat out. He was going to… “Ah!” TJ yelped as something cracked and smacked his left ass cheek. His eyes flew open in time to catch the amusement on the demon’s face right before thick fingers plunged into his gasping mouth.

TJ’s mind came to a slamming halt and heat rushed through him. He wanted to believe it was to pull his tongue out, hurt him—hell, destroy him from the inside out. Just the look in the demon’s burning eyes as he pumped four fingers into TJ’s mouth spoke of something completely different. TJ’s head was pushed back and he groaned as the fingers reached deeper, forcing him to open wider. He was pulled up against Soot’s chest and something hot and sleek slipped beneath the hem of his shirt and teased at his flesh. He was going to fuck him. Humiliate him, frighten him, and fuck him.

“What the fuck? Soot—Soot, stop fucking around.” Sean juggled with the kitten who wouldn’t stop hissing. Sean’s eyes were full of anxiety as he stared at TJ. “TJ, just hold on. Soot, I’m fucking serious!”

TJ whimpered, his lips stretched wide as something wiggled over his face. He shuddered, a moan escaping him as Soot’s tail tip caressed over his sore lips and pushed inside.

“Stop!” Sean snarled and grabbed the offending tail. He growled when the slim appendage wrapped around Sean’s wrist and he was pulled up tight against the two of them. TJ’s eyes cracked open as Sean crashed against his chin. “Son of a…” Sean pulled at his arm to no avail, his gaze intentionally avoiding TJ’s. “Soot, stop being a dumbass!”

Sean’s face was beet red and TJ didn’t want to think what he must look like. He tried to speak around the fingers, hoping to get Sean to calm down and save himself. Saliva dripped hot from his open mouth and embarrassment hit him when he found Sean staring at him. “Run,” he managed to muffle out.

“I’m going to fix this,” Sean promised, determination flashing in his eyes. He turned back to Soot and poked the demon in the shoulder with his free hand. “Quit pawing at him. He’s not a fucking toy.” Sean growled when the grip on his wrist tightened and he crashed forward, pulled hard against TJ’s pinned form. “Fucker—I’m not telling him!”

Tell who what? TJ blinked slowly, trying to understand as he was assaulted from all sides. A tail wrapped around his neck and pulled him back, forcing his head up to reveal Soot smirking down. TJ gulped and tried to swallow around the fingers thrusting into his mouth. The guy was sadistic and clearly enjoying how he couldn’t break free.

“He’s not going to hurt you.” Sean stood on tiptoes and wrestled for enough space to be able to look TJ in the eye. “Trust me, okay? He’s just being a total jackass right now. I’m sorry you got dragged into this, but I’m going to fix it. Just give me a sec.”

TJ tried to nod but it only sent another dribble of wet down his chin that tickled in a mortifying trail over his throat. Sean’s breath hitched and TJ’s gaze was drawn down to his dumbstruck expression.

There was something different about Sean, something probably to do with the horns, and the fangs, and the desperate way he was pulling in air as he stared at his lips. The demon had done something to his friend, something that made Sean look like he was starving, and TJ was next on his dinner menu.

TJ closed his eyes and struggled to breathe, to calm, to not think the far too many thoughts crowding his mind as fingers continued to play with his mouth. Sean wouldn’t kill him. He wasn’t a cannibal, and even if he was, he wouldn’t eat him. He’d go and eat someone else, anyone else. Sean would never hurt him no matter how many horns he might grow.

“Give me my fucking hand.” Sean growled as he pulled free of Soot’s grip. He glared at the smirking demon but couldn’t stop his eyes from flickering down to where TJ was gasping around Soot’s fingers. Sean unconsciously licked his lips and drew a deep breath in. “I’ll be right back,” he whispered, his voice hoarse as he stepped back and dragged his gaze from TJ’s tormented expression. “Do not fucking touch him. I’ll be right back.” Sean stopped short before he could trip over the kitten. He quickly scooped Ferdinand back up and stomped to where he left Magnolia chained on the dais.

TJ whimpered when the tail Sean was caught in wiggled up to his face and began to tease at his lips. He tried to turn his head but the demon’s fingers emptied from his mouth and Soot grabbed him roughly by the hair. He held him still as he pushed his tail into TJ’s mouth, another tail quick to slip up and join the other in exploring the hot cavity. TJ groaned from the strange sensation and tears dripped from his dark lashes as he fought to keep from panicking.

Sean’s growl echoed from across the room. “No tails!”

Soot grunted and withdrew his tails from TJ’s aching mouth. TJ’s relief evaporated when he was pulled sideways against the demon’s chest and a wide tongue ran over his forehead. TJ released a furtive whimper as something slid hot and determined over the front of his khakis and rubbed against his dick. Aw, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. TJ jerked, trying to escape, but the arm around his shoulders kept him in place. Damn it, he would not get hard. Nothing about this should be of any interest to his dick.

TJ groaned in frustration as his cock twitched and stirred, growing plump and filling the fabric confines. Damn it. The demon hummed against him, his tongue licking out to taste his skin as Soot reached down and pressed his palm to TJ’s growing erection. TJ’s moan was lost in Soot’s triumphant growl.

Fuck, Sean had better hurry. If he didn’t die soon from this demon’s fangs, it was definitely going to be from embarrassment.

A hand twisted in his hair and TJ gasped as he was turned roughly and Soot’s strange eyes burned into his. He wanted to look away, wanted to shut his eyes and disappear, but he couldn’t. A part of TJ was certain if he so much as blinked, he’d be devoured more completely than that dragon.

hc 23

SCENE TWENTY-THREE

Somehow it wasn’t TJ about to be mauled that finally snapped whatever sanity was left in him; it was the kitten.

The dragon swiveled its long neck as it stepped over TJ’s crumpled form and bent down, sniffing at the ferociously hissing kitten. Responding to the desperate sound, the dragon bared sharp teeth in a vicious snarl, and followed with a deep, deliberate huff. Sean’s heart pounded as smoke curled from the wyvern’s nostrils. Its mouth opened wide, yawning blackness full of teeth and tongue and in the deep midst an eerie orange flame flickered, illuminating the kitten’s frightened face.

It was the cat. THE cat. The squashed nose, fluff covered, bright eyed kitten TJ wanted him to adopt because no one else loved it.

“Get the hell away from him!” Sean didn’t know when he started moving, just that his legs had unlocked and he was barreling forward. Anger pulsed through him hotter than any dragon fire. TJ was an idiot—kittens did not have souls of poets—but that didn’t mean he was going to let this fucking dragon kill the ugly fluff ball. Fuck no.

Sean grabbed the first thing he could reach on Divia’s desk and ran across the tiled floor, stopping long enough to chuck it at the dragon’s face. The keyboard bounced ineffectively off the dragon’s snout and clattered to the ground. The distraction was enough to get the dragon to shut its mouth, which was all Sean cared about as he crouched down and scooped the kitten up. “Fuck!” he yelped and nearly dropped the little bastard when needle-sized claws and fangs sank into his arms from every angle. “Damn it.”

Sean straightened while wrestling with the terrified kitten and planted himself between the dragon and TJ’s crumpled form. It took him a few heart beats as he stared the one-eyed dragon down and felt the adrenaline coursing through him to realize how he just placed himself on the menu of this ginormous, pissed off dragon.

Well, fuck. He knew he was going to die the second he said yes to Jamie’s dumbass plan. Just bring a wand to a tower full of witches before nightfall and that would save Magnolia? Fuck, he was an idiot. If he was going to end up dead, he might as well die while being kick ass.

“Chill, little guy. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.” Sean carefully crouched over TJ, his gaze warily flickering from his friend’s face to the wounded dragon. “TJ, just stay right here, okay? Just hold this little guy and I’m going to take care of everything.” TJ wasn’t conscious to answer so Sean gently tucked the kitten under his limp arm. He spared a moment to run fingertips along TJ’s bristled jaw, and stare down at his dark lashes sweeping his cheeks. “Sorry, man. So sorry I dragged you into this shit.”

He was bad for people; Sean knew it since he was a kid. It was just so hard to see the results right in front of him like this. He hadn’t wanted to ruin TJ but he did. He fucked everyone over in the long run.

Sighing, Sean pushed up into a standing position and took large steps sideways and away from where TJ and the kitten were on the floor. “Come on, you fucker!” he shouted while pointing a clawed finger up at the dragon. A growl rumbled through the beast and it loomed as its serpentine neck swayed to follow Sean’s movements. Sean grinned, something wild rushing through him as he revealed sharp fangs. “That’s it, flame breath. I’ve got more than enough attitude to keep you busy.”

Fuck, he sounded like an idiot. Shittiest last words ever.

From his place on the floor, TJ moaned as kitten claws dug into his arm. Sean winced. Was it bad to want TJ to sleep through his death? Well, maybe just through his lame ass death taunts. He’d prefer to have TJ think he died a cool hero saving his life. Well, for as long as it took for the dragon to kill him off and decide to crack TJ in half with the little kitten as desert.

Sean sighed and glared up at the ceiling. Dumb. This was the stupidest damn thing ever.

Resigning himself, Sean turned back to the dragon only to quickly stomp his foot down on the ground. “Hey! Over here, shithead!” Apparently moaning people sounded like food, and TJ was moaning a lot as he fought to wake up in time to see Sean eaten by a dragon. “Fucker, come on. I’m an easy meal right here. What kind of dragon wastes time chasing kittens, anyways? That’s just pathetic.” Sean clapped his hands together to get the dragon’s attention and yelped when a green spark jumped between his palms.

Well, fuck. Magic. He could do magic… How the fuck could he do magic?

The dragon seemed just as perplexed, its attention completely on Sean now he had started sparking. Sean stared at his hands. They were vibrating. He could feel it, the same kind of noxious, itching misery he felt when he picked up Magnolia’s wand. Was this from her wand? Why was it green? Didn’t the witch’s current keep to the color of the one using it? Sean’s jaw went slack as he tried to comprehend whatever the fuck was happening to him. The horns, the fangs, the claws; yeah, he could kinda get that. But magic was something else. It was like chosen one bullshit, or witchcraft, or…

“God fucking damn it!” Sean snarled as understanding struck him. “I’m never going to be able to touch a computer again! Soot, you fucker!” Furious, Sean slammed his hands together. Before he could fully comprehend what was happening, a wind whipped up and a green spark of current shot from him and careened at the dragon. It hit the creature right in the chest with a crack and flash of bright light.

The dragon staggered back with a growl as it nearly tripped over its tail. It recovered with a shake of its head, it’s blood splattering black on the ground from its wounds. Finding Sean with its good eye, the dragon shrieked in rage, the sound so loud Sean had to grab his head as the room shook before him.

“Yeah, well, fuck you!” Sean yelled right back once he recovered his senses. “No on made you come in here, fucktard. It’s your own damn fault!” If he could push it back, force out onto the balcony, maybe it would fall off the damn building the way he had been planning on plummeting not too long ago. Before the dragon could shriek out an angry rebuttal, Sean slapped his palms together, this time deliberately aiming for the wounded wyvern.

Nothing happened. No spark, no vibration at all. Sean hissed, glaring at his hands, only to snap his gaze back to the dragon. He slammed his palms together again, but still, nothing. “Aw, shit. Motherfucking shit.” Every time he thought he was going to live, something said otherwise. What a sick fucking joke.

Sean was pretty sure the dragon was laughing at him as its mouth yawned open. There was no question of if its fire still worked as orange flames sparked deep in the wyvern’s mouth. Sean slammed his hands together again and again, desperately trying to pull even the smallest of sparks free. “Fuck!” He could feel the heat of the growing attack even at the distance.

Roasted. He was going to be roasted alive. “Shit.” He should run—it would be really freaking smart to run and lead the dragon outside. Sean’s legs refused to move as heat roared up in a great wind and the dragon began to glow like a furnace ready to explode. “Damn it, this is so going to suck.” Sean covered his arms over his face as orange light blinded him, a reflex his brain had just a split second to mock him for. Dumbass. Everyone fucking knew dragon’s flame was hot enough to melt flesh and char bone.

Over the roar of the dragon’s flame, Sean’s ear caught something else right before everything went dark and cold. Confused, his senses trying to adjust, Sean cracked an eye open, only to wince when the dragon’s shriek pierced the air. “Soot!” Sean pulled his arms from his face, blinking to get the spots from his vision. Soot was in his giant panther mode, but this time he was covered in wicked blades, blades he was using to slash into the wyvern’s thick hide as Soot slammed into its side and sank fangs into its long throat.

Sean grimaced at the gush of black blood even while internally certain he’d never seen anything so fucking beautiful. He was in love with a demon. A killing machine of a demon. It should have been a horror show but Sean was readily honest with just how many people and things were popping up who needed to be killed since he met said demon. It seemed to be balancing out pretty fucking well.

“What? What the…?” TJ groaned and rolled sideways, nearly squishing the kitten before it squirmed free of his oblivious hold. “Oh, hell,” he whimpered, pain clear in his form.

“TJ.” Sean rushed to his side and crouched down. TJ’s eyes were closed and his breathing was strained, like maybe he got a lungful of that dragon’s smoke. “TJ, can you hear me? Come on, wake up.” Staring down at TJ’s perfect features, his strong nose, long lashes, lush lips, Sean tried to ignore the way his heart felt too big in his chest. He nearly lost him. He nearly lost him forever and he couldn’t fucking handle it. He would rather die than ever think of having to go a day without TJ in the world. In his world.

Oh, god, he was so fucked.

“Come on, dumbass,” Sean whispered when TJ refused to wake. He grabbed him by the jaw and gave him a small shake. When that didn’t work, Sean slapped him lightly on the cheek, trying to hold back when TJ proved unresponsive to each hit. “Damn it, come on! We have to get you out of here.” There was a loud crack behind him and Sean jolted and whipped his head around. Soot was gnawing on the dying wyvern, his teeth having broken through its spine. Time was running out.

TJ hissed, pulling Sean’s attention back where he found the kitten had managed to get its claws into his arm. “Don’t even think of it,” Sean muttered when the fluffball looked ready to book it right toward Soot and the dragon’s final death thrashes. He scooped the kitten up and leaned down, glaring at TJ’s pained expression. “Hey, fucktard, are you awake or what?”

Gah, Okay, Stuff!!! 🍪🍪🍪

Whoot, my head is killing me. Lots of $0.99 MM reads below!

Hey, babes. Uh… I had an idea. I know, that’s kinda my thing. I get ideas and write them down and *snort* it’s a book! XD So, some while back I had this fun idea for a kind of Demon Virus reboot. For those who missed it, Demon Virus is a free fic you can snag where the concept was the MC gets stalked through the computer by a pretty rapey incubus. Like, I wanted to make a series or a novel out of Mikey and Will hunting down the bastard incubus who changed him and others and find a way to be changed back. Except, they need to first find the next virginal victim, so Will has been tracking the incubus’s movements online as best he can, while Mikey is trying to get the thralls who are changed to not totally lose their minds from the change—yeah, cuz drama! And I was going to open on this party where they think the next strike is already underway, introduce the characters in the game and then…

Well, I think this would be another fun plot line for one of those choose your own adventure things. Because I could do so much with it. My brain loves this kind of interactive novel idea where you have the reader making choices just looking to get to all the sexy outcomes and I feel like this plot could totally suit a lot of sexy outcomes. Like ridiculous, fun, pick a character, pick a conflict and go with it. Who would be the guy chosen as the sacrifice to lure the incubus in? Would it work or will the Incubus choose someone else? What if the guy chickens out last second, goes and has sex with someone—because he doesn’t want to risk being turned into a mindless sex thrall—and someone else is picked as a result and the plan thwarted? What if Mikey can’t keep Will from being a total horny bastard (even though Mikey is the sex thrall and Will the damn human!) What happens when a bunch of poor, tormented sex thralls end up at a college party? What happens if the Incubus is actually caught?!!

I love everything about this idea, of being able to write both stories, all options (at least, the most fun, sexy ones.) Just, I still have no clue how to fucking do it. XD I think that’s why my brain is all over this. I want to solve the problem of it. The multiple plots, the how to branch a story and allow it to double back, or just end. It’s such a project and my brain loves problem solving—plus the whole writing of sexy sex. XD I could fit just about any kink I want in there depending on the branch of the story. Straight to gay, first time, incest, monster sex, multi, sex thrall gangbang—it’s a thing now that I can conceive it. Lol. And what if such a concentration of paranormal beings like incubi sex thralls attracts the attention of other paranormal beings?

It really is just this fun, anything goes kind of concept. Love it. I could set it up on the website for starters—I can’t even imagine formatting the book just yet… okay, I can because my brain is on this shit, but still. I could set it up, start it as a free thing cus it’s interactive, maybe have some extra sexy branches locked so the subscribers feel they’re getting their value for supporting me. Squee, so many possibilities… Oh, maybe I could do subscriber polls to help decide which path to explore next?!

I have defined the ending of Hellcat (at least 10,000 words more @[email protected]) and am writing it into reality this week. Ah, TJ, you’re so screwed. <3 Then it’s back to Sorcerer Slayer (yay!!!) and I think the Demon Virus idea—unless something else catches me first. Oh, I nearly have the next Demon Bonded fully outlined and sketched, too. Ky’s going to school! Oh, oh, oh, and I keep forgetting to tell people. Demon Bonded #10 is out of KU and now permanently available for $0.99. Snag it if you haven’t yet.

*deep breath* I hope you’re all enjoying your weekend. Lol, excuse my manic joyful blathering. I’m having fun in my head again. XD

Laws of Attraction- $0.99

Welcome to the world of Luke Hanson.

Every few months he has to move to a new town, so friendships and relationships are as fleeting as the scenery.

Until he ends up in Glendale for the last months of high school, where he meets the resident bad boy, Kris.

Kris is enigmatic and mysterious. With his tattoos, wit and guitar skills, he’s every girl’s, and Luke’s, dream – but he keeps distance from everyone.

Living on the two ends of society, with Luke in the uptown and Kris in the poorest neighborhood where poverty and abuse are a normal occurrence, will Luke be able to pass the emotional barriers Kris had set in place and have a real relationship?

Laws of Attraction is the first in series of MM contemporary romances, but can be read as a standalone novella with a HFN ending.
Tropes: First Time, Enemies to Lovers, Coming of Age.

Angel’s Feathers

How far would you go for the one you love? How much of yourself would you sacrifice?

Trapped on a decaying Earth and cut off from the rest of the Universe, humans are no longer allowed to leave their planet. Break this one law and you die: a penalty enforced by flyers, aliens who look like angels of long-lost religions. Michael, the flyers’ leader, is the Punisher who carries out every public execution.

Adam, a young human with near-perfect memory, is committed to rebuilding Earth and a true believer in the flyers’ dominion. While Adam’s support for flyers isn’t a secret, his deep love for Michael is. Not even Michael knows, for his kind never take human lovers, and to Adam, they are too far above him to reach.

In his broken and unwelcoming world, Adam’s love can only lead to pain, loss, and disaster. Yet there is no force in the huge expanse of stars and galaxies that can stop Adam from following Michael to the end of existence. Not even Adam’s own beliefs.

Straight By Day- $0.99

Braden:

What I thought was a casual fling from a hookup app turns out to be a meet-up with the most famous actor in the world. I want nothing more than to take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity until I realize he’s in a relationship with an equally famous actress. However, once he informs me that the relationship is simply meant as a public cover-up, I find myself in his hotel room. It doesn’t take long before I realize that a passionate night with Patrick could turn into more than a quick rendezvous.

The other problem? He’s never gone all the way with a man.

Patrick:

For as long as I can remember, I’ve chased a glamorous life of lead roles in action films and multimillion-dollar paychecks, but a one-time hookup turns into more than a quick thrill and forces me to throw caution to the wind. The public may view me as nothing more than an action hero, but Braden sees me for who I really am. The only issue now is figuring out if I’m able to walk away from the fantasy life I’ve built to live the authentic life that I’ve only ever seen in my dreams.

With millions of people watching my every move, I have to decide if I’m strong enough to cast aside fame and fortune and finally embrace what I truly want.

Strays, Links And Demons- $0.99

Episode #10. The line between humanity and demon blurs…
Ky can’t catch a break. While trying to come to terms with the murder he helped commit, the wards to his house are broken into by a new master sorcerer. Stewart Moore is condescending, arrogant, and might be Ky’s hope or doom in his upcoming trial.
The Aeternum, a coven of demon summoners, has laid claim to Tobias’s demons and wand. If Ky can’t convince them he’s going to survive long enough to protect the seven lives he’s bonded to, the coven will forcefully take them.
Ky is betrayed when a new revelation concerning Anselm brings his entire existence into question.
There’s no one to turn to or trust when his only allies are the abused demons who exploit to survive. Ky is submerged in a world of murder, slavery, and sorcery with no way back to his old life. He’s not who he thought he was; he might have never been.

The Drunk Email—free

Nick has had a crush on his older brother for as long as he could remember. Justin is just so perfect; handsome, strong with blond hair and blue eyes. It’s impossible to look anywhere else. Nick never thought he’d ever tell his brother how he felt. That was until Justin went on a school trip out of country and Nick got lonely and really drunk.