Hellcat Hit Bestseller! 💥

Hellcat Is A Bestseller! Whoot!

Thank you everyone for the wonderful reviews! 28 and counting; I’m really glad you all liked the book and I’m already plotting the sequel (and the third one.)

So I’m kinda a pessimistic asshole and didn’t even realize it. O_o Hellcat hit bestseller in Gay Erotica and Paranormal Erotica while I was bitching about censorship and sex isn’t allowed and all that bullshit. XD Ah, reality check. Amazon might have actually fixed the whole KU thing, too. I’m still not sure what the hell is up with their ads, but I’m seeing erotica ads on erotica now, although they seem to be completely segregated from other genres outside of erotica. As for page reads, they’re counting for a 101,000 word book. I’m not so sure if the same can be said for short fiction, but that could be why so many short books have bonus stories just to be safe. I may be looking back at the program depending.

I haven’t looked at writing to market for a long time now; I’ve just been doing my own shit and trying to block the world out. It’s exhausting trying to ‘fit,’ and much easier to ignore it all and just write (the song of a dying artist. @[email protected] Don’t get trapped here.) There are actually a fair amount of erotic novels and novellas in erotica. Well written, sexy books who have cornered the market by providing both story and titillation—such a great word, btw. The majority on the front page of erotica is MF or MFM, but still, that doesn’t mean MM doesn’t have a place; it just means it’s waiting for the opportunity.

I’ve been fighting too long, I think. I expect everything to be a battle because I was fighting myself, fighting the mold toxicity, fighting PTSD, fighting my immune system. Blah. Everything has been a battle and although I know I’m on the other side, when I find myself uncertain, I default to old thought patterns. Here’s to not doing that so much. XD When I think about it, I’m actually not sure how to do most things without fighting or exhausting myself. Isn’t it just so much easier to know what you want when someone says you can’t have it?

You know what I think about when I bring up PTSD? How I don’t think about PTSD anymore. Fucking winning.

Demon Arms and Sorcerer Slayer

Okay, I’m totally falling in love with this series all over again. You don’t even understand. I forgot how broken and beautiful these characters are, and how much I wanted to build this world. As I go through what’s already written and apply the draft process I developed when writing Hellcat, I’m truly finding the roots of the story, the characters, and bringing the drama in the way I failed to do the first draft. I’m finding the story in the story, and it’s awesome.

I’ve decided to tackle The Paranormal Academy For Troubled Boys series a different way. I had two different visions for this series. One was how Demon Arms was presented… sort of. XD Lol, a love story. Except, Wylie didn’t even meet Dorian until so far in, and if I stuck with my initial plan, it would have been even later, but I was trying to follow a format of how most romances are presented. I assumed Sorcerer Slayer and every book that follows would have that same format, which is partly why Sorcerer Slayer is dragging. I keep trying to make it something it’s not.

What was Demon Arms supposed to be initially? A serial. A long serial in a paranormal world with drama of soap opera proportions, heartbreak, characters moving back and forth, and just returning to this world again and again. I’m so frustrated with Sorcerer Slayer because I keep trying to make it fit into the ‘boy falls for boy and it’s love so end story’ format, when it’s really a story of many characters who interact, fight crazy stuff outside the safety of the Academy walls, and some fall in love too. This is one of those epic world stories full of mini stories, not some easy to separate romance that only focuses on certain characters at a time.

This probably won’t be able to be read as a stand-alone—and let me say how dangerous that can be if you don’t have the fans. O_o Most series try to have each book be a stand alone so someone will pick up any book and hopefully read another because they like it. I will seriously be writing something like Demon Bonded where you can’t just pick up Apprentice Saga and assume you’re going to know all the details, but you can know enough to enjoy the plot. Because that’s what this series really is. It’s new adult paranormal action with romance included, not defined by romance. It’s drama, life, craziness. A TV series instead of made for TV movie. XD

I thought I’d be changing to this format by the third book. You know, have the Wylie and Dorian story, the Fox and Vincent story, and then start jumping into the overarching plot while focusing on Theo’s new love, then Justin, Raider, etc, etc. I think I’m taking that jump now instead of fucking around trying to make this book into something it doesn’t want to be. The events of Sorcerer Slayer are going to spread across 2, possibly 3 books by the time it’s done, and they will flow seamlessly into the next book with Adam showing up with a new crate and Wylie and Dorian at Dorian’s family house because we’re going to be with these characters and follow them along as their story unfolds. Each book is going to be between 100,000 – 150,000 words, and I’m pretty fucking sure they’re going to be written much faster now that I’m allowing the story to be what it is, instead of what I thought it should be.

No, I am never as fucking smart as I want to be. I do eventually learn. Usually… Hopefully? XD Just to remind everyone, Demon Arms was my first real novel and I had no fucking clue what I was doing then either. If I suddenly know what I’m doing, it’s probably a lie. Just sayin.

Super Secret Project

Also, I’m starting a secret project… well, as secret as a project can be as I blab it to a newsletter of 6000 peeps. XD But yes, I’m hoping to get everything lined up and I can tell you more later. I mean, it’s nothing fantastic—fine, it’s fantastic to me, I’m pretty sure readers will fucking love it, and I’m super excited, and I’m going to shut up about it now before I say too much. (That way if I overextend myself and it crashes and burns, no one will ever have to know my failure. @[email protected])

Kríe Captivity

Enslaved on an alien planet

Nira. Astrum Industries’ newest charted planet. Freshly discovered. Wholly unexplored. But that won’t be the case for long. Led by Captain Alec Hamlin, a team of explorers make an emergency landing and are soon confronted by their first Niran native. A huge male Kríe packed with muscle and bearing small, black horns and fangs. Fortunately, he’s friendly. Or so he lets them believe.

With the help of his pack, the Kríe takes Alec’s team captive, intending to sell them for profit. But these Nirans aren’t just shrewd, they’re arrogant and domineering. And most of all, extremely sexual. Which explains why, on their journey to peddle their new wares, they feed Alec’s team a powerful aphrodisiac. Nothing like some decadent entertainment on the side. Soon the team finds themselves feverishly trying to resist the growing urge to get physical with their captors. But as passion prevails and unexpected bonds form, so much more is suddenly at stake. With no time left, will a shift in Kríe perspective be enough to change the fate of Alec’s team?

Wild Night – $0.99

What Happens When You Fall For Your Best Friend?

Derren and Manny are an unlikely couple. Derren is the star of the Blues Hockey team and Manny, a bookish accountant. Oh, and only Derren is actually gay. But he doesn’t act it – using womanizing and partying to hide his true feelings. He has been doing this for so long; he has forgotten what it feels like to fall for someone. And

then he does, and he falls hard because Derren develops feelings for best friend Manny.But are

they reciprocated? Despite their growing relationship, Derren is unsure. One thing and another means the duo end up living together and it is increasingly not just as friends. On top of this, someone is causing trouble for the pair, threatening to expose their relationship for what it is and putting Derren’s career at risk.Will they be forced to come clean or will Manny finally confront his true feelings for Derren?

Self Possessed: a supernatural thriller – $0.99

As Nate sleeps, someone else wears his skin.

Nate Bloom only lives half a life. Once he was an addict – but now he’s clean, and has been for years. Until he lost his husband and child… And now when night falls, another takes the wheel…

The other guy craves alcohol, drugs, sex and violence – which inevitably leads to a murder, one with Nate’s DNA left at the scene.

But Nate is no ordinary addict falling hard off the wagon – and he’ll have to learn to bring some kind of balance between the two sides of himself, if he’s going to get revenge for those he lost…

SELF POSSESSED is a sprawling supernatural thriller that harks to Stephen King by way of Iain Banks, and will leave you breathless until the very end.

Omega Shadow

One is accused. One is betrayed. One is a killer.

Midwife-apprentice, Kyle’s sheltered world is shattered when a patient’s mate flies into a murderous rage and attacks him. Kyle is rescued by a handsome alpha visitor, but as attraction blazes between the two men, and they fall into each other’s dreams, what starts as lust becomes something impossible. Kyle is a beta. He can’t be an alpha’s true mate. And yet, what else explains their connection?

Pine Creek Lake alpha, Shadow isn’t looking for his true mate when he stumbles across a beta being attacked in the middle of the night. But when a simple rescue reveals a chain of possible murders, Shadow must learn the truth about the man in his dreams before it’s too late. Something is driving alphas in the Blackcreek pack to rage and die young. Is Kyle as ignorant as he pretends, or is he hiding a dangerous secret?

As Kyle and Shadow work together to discover the truth, both men are forced to question their deepest assumptions about themselves and each other. Are they fated mates? Is Kyle living a lie? And when the truth is revealed, will Kyle have the courage to face it before Shadow suffers the same death as the others?

I Think Spring Sprung All Over My Face =_= 🌻🌺🌷

So, you peeps liked Hellcat. O_O

Hellcat is in KU

I mean, unless everyone is being polite. That’s a thing, right? Reviewers being polite? XD Well, let me just thank all 21 amazingly polite reviewers so far. I loved writing this book, and I’m looking forward crazy to the sequel.

And no one wants to destroy me for pushing the breeding thing one little step further with TJ? Really? I have never done mpreg, but I can so see Soot in cat form leading a little demonspawn around to destroy what’s left of Sean’s apartment while Ferdinand tries to keep from getting his tail pulled. Kittens and demonspawns; it’s a total cutefest, and I’m so sorry but I have succumbed for this series. <3

Demon Bonded Is Officially Free To Read

In case you missed it last week when rabidly reading Hellcat, Demon Bonded is free thanks to Patreon. I’m going to shoot to get new scenes first on Patreon and for subscribers, and then release them free on the website, just so Patreon contributors get a little extra perk. Until then, enjoy catching up with the series if you haven’t already.

Sorcerer Slayer

I’m working on a more active voice in the first chapters. I didn’t know who Raider was then. I think I also just learned a lot from writing Hellcat. I’m also realizing I really enjoyed writing an older voice like Sean’s. Oh, he’s still full of human insecurity, but there’s less of the whine I associate with younger people.

I don’t think my characters ever come off as teens, even when they’re teens. I don’t know if that’s a fail, or just for the best. I never saw young people as dumb… but I remember being surrounded by some very superficial young people at that age and was very confused by it. I don’t think I’ll ever have the right voice for those who have never been broken, faced monsters, or felt like an outsider as a kid. I don’t understand the other voice, and I think it makes all my characters sound jaded and old.

Eh, I’m learning to embrace it.

Definition Of Insanity

Hellcat felt like hitting a wall when it was released into erotica, I’ll be honest. I’m looking at options; I’m looking at writing to market—I’m looking at a way to be able to afford to write what I love, and it may not be through writing what I love. It’s tiring, for real. You know, being ‘allowed’ to succeed when you write about things other people find uncomfortable. I want people to grow up and know the difference between reality and fiction, to not be ashamed of their bodies or their thoughts. But this is not a new problem but a long clinging one humanity has suffered centuries through, and reality is reality.

Winning the erotica game is usually writing many short fuck fics in very specific kinks and building a following. Novels don’t really apply here, even if they’re sexy as sin. I don’t know why plot and sex are expected to be separated—I have been looking all my life for good books that also have high heat. But there is no genre for it, and I’m not sure there will ever be one with the way sex in fiction is currently viewed.

So, I’m looking at options. I can see it as an experiment where I build up an entirely new pen name in an entirely new market and write something that a traditional publisher would salivate over. I may not have it in me, but I do enjoy challenging myself. It never hurts to learn how to write a different type of book. My backgrounds, settings, and plot tensions tend to suffer when I’m writing for sexual thrill. It would be nice to focus on some other aspects of a story.

I also enjoy winning games. Sure, this writing thing is my livelihood, but it’s also a book game to see who can be popular enough to win. I want to win.

My allergies make it feel like my head is going to explode. @[email protected]

Yeah, that’s all. Hanging out in my mask today (so sexy XD.) I’m absolutely grateful my body has recovered from the mold toxicity so that I’m not bed bound, weak-limbed, unconscious right now. But my face hurts. A lot. Lol. It might be making me grumpy.

I should not have cleaned for dust is now everywhere, and I should go find a freezing climate where nothing thaws and life cannot get me. I want to pull all my teeth out. Yeah, there might be long term consequences to not having teeth, but right now they all feel like mini mines in my face just throbbing away, one ear about to pop, and my neck moments from bursting. I know, it’s a great visual.

Hope everyone else is actually enjoying the weather. XD


Death threats drove him from his country. Can he ever find asylum from his past?

Hernán had family, college, and a future in El Salvador. Until a vicious gang targeted him as gay. Threatened with murder, he braved a nightmare journey toward a new life. Now, haunted by his trek, he hides from immigration trouble as well as his enemies. He prays to pass in Provincetown unnoticed.

But a handsome man with a secret like Hernán’s is vulnerable to predators.

Colin is in town for a wedding when he falls into the harbor. The man who rescues him is dark-haired, dark eyed and gorgeous. He’s also a target because of his immigration status. Colin owes a debt, and wants to repay it by helping his savior escape the monsters who would exploit him.

Hernán yearns to trust the kind man who offers him sanctuary. Will his demons destroy his chance at a future with Colin?

Secret Baby Omega

Will a surprise baby be their last mistake or their first miracle?

The night starts with a stolen truck engine, a bottle of whiskey, and Jax, a tough alpha from a small town. When Schwartz wakes in Jax’s bed, he wants to write the whole thing off. Jax is bad news and Schwartz is barren… or so he thinks.

Jax is trying to change his bad boy ways. He grew up poor and in a dysfunctional family, but he wants to be something better. Then he gets Schwartz pregnant and everything falls apart.

It started out as a mistake. Now, they have to make it work. Can two broken men save each other and make a new future for themselves and their child?

Heart to Hart

Two unlikely men meet in 1923 Ireland.

Michael McCree seems to be a newspaperman, running from a past in Boston. He’s a lover of men and a drinker of whiskey, and yet one with some surprising depths and one huge secret.

Simon Hart is a surly, angry, altogether closeted and touch-me-not fellow, a Cambridge-educated private investigator whose business partner has been murdered. He meets Michael in a newspaper shop when turning in an obit notice.

They clash. Fisticuffs fly. And before Simon knows what’s happened, he’s gained a new flat-mate, a new business partner, and a wanna-be lover. It’s the “wanna-be” that drives the present story…and all that follow.

Hellcat Is Live! 🐯 Plus Fight To Keep The Internet Free!

Hellcat is published and live!

Okay, so this story was initially meant to be a quick Halloween erotic short. Grump nerd is grumpy. Witch moves in and her familiar molests grumpy nerd. Grumpy nerd overwhelmed and seeks to find witch to be free from horny Hellcat. Grumpy nerd realizes it’s love, the end. Hellcat became so much more—lol, but still has those roots. XD 101,000 words. It’s actually amazing when I think of the journey this book took. It transformed more than Sean and Soot did. There will be a sequel, one I plan on focusing on once Sorcerer Slayer is done. I’m already rereading what I’ve written so far with Sorcerer Slayer and getting ready to go forward! Whoot!

ARC reviewers, Hellcat is now in your section of the website if you’re interested in reading and reviewing. And for anyone who picks up Hellcat, please review. It doesn’t even have to be nice XD but I think people are really going to like the book, and I’d love to hear how you feel about it. I’m trying something totally new and daring for the sequel, which I mention in the parting at the end about TJ, and I’m a little worried that current readers might have a big ‘fuck no!’ reaction. @[email protected]


I finally started a Patreon! This is a ‘tip jar’ scenario. Basically you pledge as little as a $1 a month and you get access to whatever is written for Patreon. My main focus will be Demon Bonded. I’m going to put the Coven Saga episodes up there that are already written this weekend… maybe all the Demon Bonded, actually, to catch everyone up… and then go from there. Oh, and I have a Liem story brewing—his own book, pretty sure by the time it’s done. He’s going to fall for a total bitchy, wild demon once he starts training with other apprentices. A total hate to love thing. I’m so excited about it.

I really want to use Patreon as an excuse to update Demon Bonded monthly. These books might not be published or fully edited in that time, but they will be there to read and more Demon Bonded will be written faster because of it.

There is a lot of vagueness on what Patreon’s adult guidelines are. They say fiction is fine (they mention Game of Thrones) but at the same time say individuals talking about rape they experienced could get them banned (wtf?) I’m having a lot of trouble understanding what the fuck their ‘line’ is. So I have a feeling all the content I have for Patreon will end up on a new section of my website. No membership filter at all, not even the free one, just a simple wall of ‘I’m an adult and allowed to read this button.’ It will be completely funded because of donations through Patreon, but the content will not be on their site to ensure I stay within their guidelines. I will use Patreon to let patrons know that something new has been posted and the links to it.

I think this is the safest, smartest way to deal with this instead of relying on Patreon to know what the fuck their morality lines are. I’m so fucking sick of morality. Amazon has started a new algorithm, pretty sure, and they’re dumping gay romance into erotica in droves. The Demon Bonded books are one by one suddenly in erotica and no longer linking as a series, and I think this is just the beginning. If you’re wondering what having a book pushed into erotica does for authors, well, please feel free to read the ranting below.

Amazon Is Kinda Homophobic, Censorship, And FOSTA/SESTA

US citizens can fill out a very easy form and email your representative immediately to demand they stop FOSTA/SESTA Yes, this is after the fact, but it’s important to continue to have your voice heard.

There is also a petition going around but it has some weird email block, so I don’t know how effective it will be.

Okay, so what the fuck is going on? A quick catch up for those who had lives and didn’t know Congress was voting to steal free speech away in the name of stopping sex trafficking, here are a few links.

How Congress Censored the Internet

Congress Just Legalized Sex Censorship

Authors of LGBT romance have been noticing their books being dumped into erotica all of a sudden on Amazon. This isn’t a new problem, but it has suddenly amped up hardcore. Most annoying for me personally, I just spent 6 months writing Hellcat, just did the last jaunt of editing, formatting, requesting ARCs, and still need to do a shit ton of promoting (after a little break. @[email protected]) I thought part of that promoting would be with an Amazon ad. I’ve only used an Amazon ad once before. It was for the release of My Broken Angel all the way back when I had all my books in KU. I made good money that month—it was actually the month where I thought I would be able to make a living being an author. I finally ‘made it.’ Then KU broke, pages stopped being counted, and I threw the subscription site together to save my ass. I was hoping a break from Amazon would give me a clear head for business when it came to their platform. Unfortunately, they took one look at Hellcat and placed it in the erotica category when it’s romance.

Oh, Hellcat’s not hearts and kisses and tears instead of cum romance, but this is a love story. And love is obsessive and full of ownership, and in the beginning when hormones are strong, there’s a lot of sex. Sex is a part of being alive. It’s actually the only reason any of us are alive. Our parents all had sex. If people stopped having sex, humanity would die out in a generation. Sex = Life. Sex isn’t shameful; it’s actually pretty fucking important.

My plans to have an Amazon ad are ruined. I cannot advertise Hellcat on Amazon because they have classified it as erotica. Erotica is not allowed to have ads on their platform, or on Bookbub; pretty much anywhere that readers go to find books outside of Instafreebie—Instafreebie is damn cool on that front. When people browse the gay romance section, there will be no potential that Hellcat will pop up on the side under Hot New Releases to help promote the book. The last week, bestseller status and ranking were stripped from erotica books, and although it has returned, there is no way to know for how long.

I first discovered how erotica is treated differently (outside of having my books banned) when Demon Arms ended up in erotica for months. I tried everything to get the book moved back; keywords, categories, changing the blurb—was the word ‘screwed’ being considered sexual to Amazon? I had no idea. Nothing worked until I contacted Amazon directly and demanded they move it back. They gave me no explanation as to why it was moved in the first place. You guys know Demon Arms, where the main characters don’t even touch for 50,000 words into the book? What the fuck happens when I publish Sorcerer Slayer? Does it just end up in erotica because I’m on some list with Amazon for writing erotic books now? Everything I write must automatically be hidden away and prevented from being advertised? Or is it because it’s gay, and gay books focus on sexuality so they must be dirty in Amazon’s eyes?

I’m fed up, and I’m worried about my future as a writer. I put a lot of work into Hellcat, a lot of love—I love this book! It’s fun, it’s quirky, it’s sexy and just a wild ride. I have never pushed myself so creatively, and I feel like it’s a turning point for me as a writer. I grew in this book. My settings and world building were fleshed out and fun and I want to keep pushing myself. This book was a joy (even when it was frustrating as fuck! XD) I’m seriously hoping Amazon doesn’t go the next step and ban Hellcat completely, because Amazon does that too. They not only prevent authors a fair share in making money off their books they deem are ‘erotic,’ but they also remove books they don’t think are allowed to exist at all. Subjects that I find again and again in straight fiction are banned from LGBT. You can blame it on an algorithm, but a human being made that algorithm. Humans are in control of why Amazon chooses to discriminate against the books they do and chooses to ban the books they do.

This week kicked my ass as I pushed myself to get this book out, and this was the final blow in a lot of ways to have Hellcat publish straight into erotica next to books about fucking the neighbor’s wife and Daddy porn. I love erotica, don’t get me wrong, but this book doesn’t belong there and how the fuck are readers going to be able to find it? How is erotica—beautiful, sexy, fun erotica—going to be able to compete against novels crafted with complex storytelling in mind? Now they’re not just competing with other books made to titillate, they’re competing with full-blown romances that are seeking a completely different mood from a reader. There is a reason we have genres, and it’s not to discriminate against books no matter how Amazon treats erotica, but to help readers find what they’re looking for.

This is what happens when censorship of fiction occurs in a ‘free’ market. There will be no boycott that will fix this, there will be no petition or outraged cry. And I’m not saying that just because many people are still so full of shame when it comes to sex, so they dumbly nod their heads when they see free speech censored in the name of morality. No, I’m saying this because Amazon is a trillion dollar company and they don’t give a fuck. They don’t have to give a fuck. They are protected by the law while individuals are not protected from being discriminated against because of America’s ‘Obscenity Laws.’ Authors talk about getting together and making this giant see reason because ‘erotica makes Amazon money,’ and I just have to laugh to myself. It’s not going to change unless Amazon chooses to stop discriminating against sex in fiction, and whatever is driving it isn’t business oriented. They don’t care about the money. Amazon has been removing erotic fiction for nearly 10 years now; they don’t like sex, especially gay sex.

Amazon is literally defining the gay romance genre by what they allow to exist. What they don’t want suddenly disappears from the market and hey, apparently that’s business. They decide what people want and what they’re allowed to read. In a truly free market, customers decide what is written. If something is popular, more is made. That’s why erotica will never disappear, btw; people like stories about fucking. It’s very popular like sex in general (and I know sex is popular cuz hey, we got billions of people on this planet who got here through sex.) That’s why we’re seeing the shifter craze move away from the vampire craze. But hey, those who like vampires still have that option because no one came along and said ‘No, vampires aren’t allowed on Amazon.’ That would be insane, never mind dickish as fuck. But that’s what Amazon does. There are authors who try to trick the system and they’re made to feel ashamed because demanding free speech and equality is ‘breaking the rules.’

I fear it’s only going to get worse with SESTA/FOSTA. It’s waiting to be signed by Trump (pretty sure it hasn’t been signed yet @[email protected]) and I can’t imagine he won’t. He has so many morality groups screaming in his ear. Some were literally calling him the second coming of Christ. Religion has deep pockets and he’s a bought man. Certain groups who have pushed this bill claim it’s the first step in removing pornography from the Internet, and yes, erotica is considered pornography which is why it’s being segregated from the other books and/or banned entirely. The ‘I know it when I see it’ rule for obscenity applies in the US, and Amazon ‘sees’ it in this case and they don’t want others seeing it. As platforms make an effort to protect themselves from the liability this bill opens up, anything in regards to sex on the Internet will become harder to access or host. Why? Because there is no way to know when someone is talking about sex, be it simple conversation, or in fiction, or in jokes, if it is or isn’t connected to sex trafficking in the real world.

So, a quick reality check. Sex trafficking can’t happen on a computer. No one can reach through the screen and kidnap someone or save them, for that matter. You cannot be sexually assaulted by a computer; you cannot be coerced by a computer. But the Internet is being held responsible for sex crimes existing in the real world by saying the Internet ‘enables’ sex crimes. The same way ‘having a penis enables rape’ in the minds of some individuals, so men = rapist. This is not a logical jump, but people are illogical all the fucking time. It may sound ‘responsible’ until you look deeper and realize it’s just people on a morality kick looking to save the world from sex crimes by punishing the existence of depictions of sex on the Internet. Congress ignored the expert testimony that this bill would in fact harm those trapped in sex trafficking by forcing perpetrators away from the Internet where it’s harder to find and rescue victims. It makes platforms liable, meaning businesses will be less likely to contact authorities if they see a crime to protect their livelihoods. It also makes it extremely unsafe for consensual sex work by removing the Internet buffer when looking for new clients.

Sex crimes don’t need a computer to happen. Humanity has a long history of being terrible to each other, and the Internet is very young in comparison. This bill takes a safe place for free speech away, as well as correlates sex with crime in an attempt to erase sex from the Internet with the mentality of just in case someone bad is doing something bad, the Internet has to be stopped.

Will the Internet be changed over this?

It’s up to the Internet. Craigslist shut down their Personals Section already because of the liability that individuals might be being exploited and the perpetrators using the service. Reddit is erasing community after community. I have a bad feeling that this new surge in Amazon erotica hunts is just the beginning in their need to ‘protect’ people from fiction, and who the hell knows what will happen once the bill is actually signed. But I am not a fortune teller. It’s very easy to shine a light and squish a bunch of objects together and say the shadows mean something. It’s the same type of leap in logic that intelligent, well-intentioned human beings use to insist it’s the Internet’s fault for sex trafficking. Reality is reality, now is now, and there is no way to know how each platform will deal with this new bill. There’s no way to know if the bill will be signed—but again, it seems unlikely that it won’t be. Congress already voted away the rights of Americans, and they’re supposed to be paid to do the exact opposite.

I host with Dreamhost, btw. I selected them from the very beginning when I was looking for a web-hosting service because I knew some of the things I write would be considered controversial and I didn’t want to be arrested. There are states in the US where people are in jail for drawings. Not even photos—and no, I don’t think a photo is a person, or that a person can be exploited by someone looking at a piece of paper or screen, just so we’re clear. In this modern, supposedly forward, technology-rich society I am a part of, people are being jailed over ink on a piece of paper and pixels on a screen because morality is fucking-over reason. Dreamhost was not only accepting of adult content, but they actually spoke up against censorship, and that struck a strong cord with me. I don’t believe what I do is wrong on any level, and I wanted a hosting company who understands that. That still doesn’t mean if these laws pass that Dreamhost will be able to keep strong against them, but I have high hopes they’ll at least try.

When Trump took office there was a huge outcry for morality, and it has been repeated again and again. Many people think they’re calling for basic decency on how we treat each other while blindly trampling on the rights of others and self. I think many want decency, and I wholeheartedly agree we should all seek to treat each other how we would wish to be treated (unless you’re a masochist. XD) But when people are caught up looking for control, looking to make what seems like a monstrous situation be sane and reasonable, they make really shitty decisions. The Patriot act was a wonderful example, and I’m sad to say this country didn’t fucking learn. As much as I point out if you don’t want to be shot by a gun, don’t surround yourself with guns, I still support the 2nd amendment because I understand the right to be allowed to defend yourself. I don’t think that right needs to be at the expense of the lives of others, but it is still an innate right to live and survive. You will die—we all die—but what living organism wouldn’t fight to stay alive? It is a choice, like all choices, and who is anyone to take that choice away?

This bill will take away the ability to say whatever the fuck you want on the Internet. Posting nude images of yourself might be subject to so many questions that platforms may remove them completely just to make sure the subject of the image isn’t being exploited sexually. Writing fiction might be decided by platforms to encourage sex crimes and be removed with creators facing criminal liability. And if that seems insane, again, there are people in jail who have never committed a crime against another human being, they just viewed and downloaded something from the Internet. Each platform will decide their ‘line’ to protect them from prosecution over the actions of individuals on their site. There is no way to know how far they will go. There’s no way to know if we won’t all wake up tomorrow and have erotica erased completely from Amazon.

I’m not saying this will come to be. I just have a very active mind and too many things to squish together to read the shadows. It won’t stop me from writing—I’m really not interested in doing anything else. XD I have yet to give a fuck about the morality of a bunch of tight-asses who can’t distinguish reality from fiction. But this is also my job where I’m seeing this storm brewing over what I do, and yeah, I’m worried. :/ Blah.

It’s a choice how to react, how to feel, and ultimately, to decide if this is going to change the way I exist in the world. I’m choosing no. Platforms may cave, they may break, but any lawsuit taken into the courts—the courts who sent word to Congress to try to stop the passing of this bill because it infringed on the 1st amendment—will support free speech. Eventually. So if it all goes to shit, we gotta hang on and still live the way we want to live. Platforms are making a choice to react. It’s up to us to choose to follow their lead and be forced into the shadows, gutters, and closets, or stand the fuck up and live life to the fullest.

This might sound weird and random, but I actually went through Hellcat in the final edit and erased God from it. There are these phrases I use that I grew up with, and I realized here I was still unable to escape that brainwashing on this level. I don’t want God in my fiction. I don’t want God in my life. We do not need some concept of judgment of every action done defining if an individual is worthy of being alive or not. If you take away God, humanity still exists free to make choices and be empowered by their actions. If you take away sex, humanity is literally dead and extinct. I want to keep the one that brings life, and it’s all sexy fun. ^^

Mated To The Demon Prince: Hellcat #1

Sean knows what those wicked, hellfire eyes want. Him, on his knees, taking every finger, tongue, tail, and tentacle.

This is what being corrupted by a demon feels like. It’s the only explanation. Sean’s not supposed to have fangs or know magic, damn it. And this bs where he’s horny and begging all the time? No, not freaking happening. He’s just a nerd—a hot, gay, totally panicky IT specialist—who needs to find a solution to his destroyed business, asap. He doesn’t have time for whatever weird this shapeshifting demon is into. Soot can’t just claim him whenever he wants, over and over again. He’s about to be homeless!

If Sean doesn’t save a witch from a dragon, it’s game over. But he’s changing, turning into someone he doesn’t recognize. He’s not sure if he can play hero, not even when Soot abducts TJ, Sean’s painfully straight crush, to the top of a tower full of witches, gargoyles, and one very pissed off dragon. TJ doesn’t know who to fear more, the demon prince or whatever it is Sean is turning into.

There has to be a way out. Stealing a 3 million dollar hellcat isn’t a binding contract to be a sex thrall, no matter how much his demon master disagrees.

Wild Boys – $0.99

8 free gay romance shorts, PLUS a free short EXCLUSIVE to this collection!

This is one of the best books about gay love on Kindle. You get 9 cute gay romance books, with angst, steamy scenes, and more.

These gay guys are hot, and they’re all looking for love. Take a break from the dating sites and enjoy something simpler.

Books in this gay romance collection:
Exclusive! Taken By The Gay Biker
Billionaire’s Obsession
Dirty Player
Lover In The Dark
Pinned Beneath You
Dirty Lover
Holiday Lover
Power Play
Devil’s Kiss

Rest Stop Rendezvous – $0.99

After one too many bad breaks, Jimmy Nelson decided to pack up and hit the road seeking a fresh start in California. However, he did not expect the offer of a lifetime that landed directly in his lap.

You see, Jimmy met a most intriguing man at a very random, deserted, and out of the way rest area. This handsome stranger was all too eager to take a willing student under his wing for one sensual encounter that would awaken buried desires.

Come along for the erotic journey when two paths collide for a rest stop rendezvous…



Monthly Freebie – Heat

I’m leaving Heat up over the weekend while I get the new Patreon aspect of the site sorted out. All the Demon Bonded books, past and present will end up on this part of the site and likely will replace the monthly freebie with updates to the Demon Bonded serial. We’ll see how it goes. <3

Whoa, I Think Hellcat Is Nearly Done… 💕

Morning, peeps!

Quickie newsletter this week, pretty sure. XD I might actually be early too. I’ve been waking up at 1am the last week and I’m enjoying all the quiet time when the house is asleep. I think the fever actually helped me, weird as that may sound. I feel so chill. My thoughts are calm, I’m editing super fast, life feels good. Maybe my immune system needed a flu to fight to remind the body, ‘hey, this is what things feel like when we’re actually battling something dangerous. Chill already over the allergies.’ Lol, or maybe not. But I’m feeling fine, stable (fingers crossed) and I’m getting shit done, so I have no complaints!

Whoo, the final draft/edit of Hellcat is flying. Gail is being an amazing help (thank you, Gail!) and I suspect this book is going to be officially done by next week. I need to get the cover adjusted slightly, seeing as the name has changed. Hellcat will eventually have a sequel, so the name Hellcat is now the series title instead of the new title, which is ‘Mated To The Demon Prince.’ Just in case you were wondering what Hellcat is about, mating and demon princes are a part of it. *wink*

My first XXX novel and it’ll just squeeze in at 100,000 words. I’m super excited. I didn’t think I’d be able to balance so much heat with plot, but I found a way. I have a feeling the sequel may end up being even naughtier, seeing as it’s all about kidnapping and ruining a certain secondary character in the first book. *eyebrow waggle* But one thing at a time.

That Free Month Thing Was Apparently A Fail

Apologies are in order. So I thought by adding a month to everyone’s subscription would, you know, give everyone a free month. Simple. Apparently not. :/ You need to cancel your paypal payment to actually see the free month. What happens is you cancel payment and you’ll still be a member until the end of the added month. Ideally, that will be when Paypal prompts you again. (Ideally. Not holding my breath.)

Seriously sorry this damn thing has been so buggy. I’ve been handing out refunds for those who I notice are having a problem, but I’m not usually looking at that side of the website. I just assume it ‘works’ you know? Silly me. This is for long term members too, btw. If you did a yearly subscription and cancel payment at the end, you’ll have a free month to read then.

Once Hellcat is completed, I’m going to be looking at my subscription membership software. Very likely I’ll be updating it—possibly scrapping it for a new system all together. Whatever that choice will be, it won’t actually be happening until I finish writing Sorcerer Slayer. I want to get that gorgeous beast done (160,000 words already written, whoot!) and I want it to be now, not later. I have gone into neurotic fits every time I go to fix the website, and I just don’t want to be that crazy person right now. One day, I’ll be able to afford to hire someone for this shit. @[email protected] I absolutely understand why people want money, so they don’t have to deal with annoying shit.

Anyways, the website bullshit can wait a month or so; Sorcerer Slayer is fucking happening! And Demon Bonded. The next episode is all drafted out, I just gotta give it my attention.

Oliris is born!

Okay, so I stumbled across a book I’ve been waiting for. Apparently it’s out!!! Lol. So, a year ago… wait, 2 years ago? Has it been two? (Sorry, I can’t remember time when it comes to what I’m now dubbing ‘the mold years.’ I remember things happened, not so much when.) Anywho, S. Neff had invited me to have a sneak peek of her book while she was writing. It was fabulous—I rarely read fantasy anymore but she brought the concrete into it and made it feel real—and I’ve been waiting ever since, and I suddenly stumbled across it yesterday. She’s an amazing artist, just saying, and I totally remembered the cover.

Anyways, I’m just so glad all her hard work paid off, and her book is finally out! An author’s first book can be super intimidating (as can all the ones that follow. @[email protected] *cough* I mean, it totally gets easier. >_> ) Sometimes it can feel like the world is against you; time, money, even family and friends are suddenly battling for your ability to just get some words down. I’m always so happy to see someone get to the finish line. Congrats!

Bunny Love

For those who missed last week’s Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, they wrote a LGBTQ positive bunny book for kids! It’s all about bunny love and marriage equality—which, eh, I think marriage is archaic and overrated, but yay to those who enjoy the tax status. All proceeds go to the Trevor Project and Aids United.

I wanted to point out this one star comment… Whoa. Okay, so there were only 400 or so comments a week ago. Holy fuck. And look at those resellers jacking the price up, the shameless opportunists. XD Anyways, someone wrote something along the lines of ‘…this book is a shallow misrepresentation of very sensitive issues, should not be read to children…” And I had to ask myself, why is sexuality in any form a sensitive issue? Why is gay marriage sensitive for anyone—except perhaps the people who aren’t allowed to marry because of something as trivial as gender? Why do some people want the range of human sexuality to just disappear, and why do they want the people who ask to be treated equally to be quiet because it’s ‘sensitive?’

I feel like people who want ‘sensitive’ things to disappear are really people who are uncomfortable with the world as it is. They hope as long as they don’t see it and think about it, they’re safe. ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ was a fine example of sensitive human beings freaking the fuck out that gay people existed, but they were also trying to compromise by saying ‘just as long as we don’t know, you’re allowed to be gay and around us. But once we do know, you need to disappear cuz gay people can’t exist. Get out of my bubble.’

It’s pretty intense. It’s a whole lot of that perspective thing I was talking about last week. Blaming other people for your own discomfort and emotions—blaming a book for existing. (Oh, and yeah, I totally troll negative reviews on shit because I want to understand how and why people react. It’s great for writing realistic dialog, and great for understanding life in general. I study this stuff. XD)

The world shouldn’t have to disappear for some people to feel comfortable. Not accepting a blue sky doesn’t turn it red, and not accepting the vast range of sexuality doesn’t make it go away. Why should anyone ever have to feel shame or go away just because some people can’t handle the reality around them? It’s not the world’s fault some people are sensitive; it’s theirs.

Exposure therapy for the uncomfortable is a beautiful thing. Not only do they get to have a revelation every time they find their boundaries and push past, but there are so many people waiting to embrace them once they get past their shit and see how varied and beautiful the world is. Come on over and bring the hugs already. <3

Sexy Yaoi Game!

Oh, before I forget—I know, I’m all over the place this week. XD It looks like To Trust an Incubus Bara Yaoi BL Gay Dating Sim Visual Novel is going to happen! I’ve been watching this project closely, partly because I’m interested in one day making a yaoi Demon Bonded game. I can’t wait to see what Yamilia does to make this beauty come to life.

And Then The Devil Cried – $0.99

Adam Delaney was saved by a man with a criminal past. A man whose reality is different to most other people in this world, but for Adam, Rho Bennet is a savior.

Marcus Troy is the man everyone fears.
Rho Bennett considers himself the drug kingpin’s right hand, but things change when Rho brings home Adam, an orphan boy who never had a real family and who is having a rough time finding his place in the world.

Rho’s instinct is to protect the boy but when Marcus sets his sights for Adam, everything changes. Marcus wants Adam at any cost. He will do anything in his power to get him.

The Devil doesn’t always laugh.
Sometimes, he weeps with you.

So if you guys ever want to stalk me, here are some links (I don’t mind if you are in it for the penis jokes)

Atomic Banana: Forbidden Love MM Romance

Is it wrong of me to be falling for the Man of the House? I was only gone for two months, and I’m sure he wasn’t this irresistible before I left.

But there’s no way that either he or I can act on these feelings that we’re developing for each other… is there?

When love is this strong, surely there is nothing that can stand in its way.

No judgements, no taboos, no relationships…

This is a dark, steamy taboo romance story that contains cheating and some moderate psychological terror.

Omega Sanctuary

I fell in love with the enemy.
He was unpredictable. Hardened. Dangerous.
He was my omega.

Carter Thompson is an alpha wolf shifter, an outcast in a world full of betas. Sanctuary city is the last hope for his people. He just has to find it. However, his plans are turned upside down when he’s caught in the rifle sight of a handsome soldier with a huge secret.

As a soldier for the beta army, twenty-eight-year-old omega Liam is granted a life of minuscule privileges, until a surprise pregnancy puts his fragile safety in mortal danger. Now Sanctuary City is Liam and his baby’s last chance. But an irresistible attraction to a rebel alpha soldier may be his downfall.

Escaping with Carter Thompson is a desperate roll of the dice. Falling in love should not be in the cards. They are opposites. They should never have fallen in love, but they both understand loss and want a better future. Will that be enough to keep them together as Liam’s former comrades in arms close in?


Senana Saz Rays has been sentenced to four years of slave labor on prison planet Indiku after assaulting his state appointed psychiatrist. Leaving his lover Rhyan behind on earth, Sena spends his time on the planet Indiku working with the coveted medicinal leeri flowers. Although a slave, he can’t help but find peace in the mundane life he’s lived on the alien planet and the wondrous sightings of the indigenous Zanzi that look so much like mythical earth dragons. Senana is just one year shy of going home and being with Rhyan again when all thoughts of freedom are swiped away as a massive Zanzi takes him from the leeri fields and back to the mountains it calls home.

La’el is a proud Zanzi. His only wish was to find a life mate and experience the bond his parents share. When he finally finds him in the leeri fields he doesn’t hesitate to take Sena— even their vast physical differences won’t dissuade the young Zanzi. La’el will do anything to prove to Sena that they are meant to be together, even if he’s unsure how to convince his human mate.

Both La’el and Sena are about to find out that there is more between them than either of them could ever imagine. Their bond affects more than just their fate, but also reveals a true evil buried in the heart of Indiku, and all the way back to Earth.

Last Week To Read Heat Free!

If having to go through his first heat wasn’t bad enough for werewolf Ryan Moss, kidnapping and tying up his rival of forever, Shane Cooper, guarantees to make it eventful. Too bad Ryan’s wolf thinks the boy is perfect for mating no matter how straight Shane says he is.
XXX 23,000+ wrds, paranormal, werewolf, straight to gay, noncon, bdsm. Published: June 3, 2016


How To Stop Being So F*@king Wrong! 🍀

Hey babes,

Welcome to this week’s story. This may turn out to be a fever-dream, I warn you now. Perhaps an essay. I want this to tell the variety of perception, the way we filter reality and forget that the filter has more power than the intention. But the fever keeps coming back. Pretty sure it’s the flu. I added a month to every subscriber to the website cuz I don’t want to freak out about being sick and stressing. Also, I think it’s a good excuse to allow myself to tackle the final draft of Hellcat without feeling overwhelmed. Life happens, so enjoy your free month of reading The Library while I write complicated and potentially meaningless essays about reality. XD (Don’t forget, Heat is free this month!)

I love it, though. I love the art of perspective. It’s everything I use to create a false reality out of words that is familiar enough to compel an emotional response. It’s also what allows me to read critical reviews directed at my work and not be held back, not feel pain, not identity with it at all. It’s where I can take the side of what some might think is a selfish monster and show that a belief system is the only reason they feel that way. This is everything I do on so many levels from writing, to living in the world, to overcoming PTSD and autoimmune and allergies.

This post is about empowerment for every single person on the globe.

This is going to be a long newsletter. Most of you are used to me talking about pushing boundaries when it comes to censorship and erotica, etc; this newsletter is about mental boundaries concerning reality itself. I hope you enjoy it.

Morality Is A Concept, Not A Fact

So, to start, I don’t believe in right and wrong. When I write characters and jump perspective, they all feel like they’re thinking the ‘right’ thing when you see through their eyes. This is because right and wrong are perception that only exist in the mind. Morality is a man-made concept to define how we want the world to be, while we dismiss how the world actually is.

There are those upset about last week’s post who believe right and wrong are facts, and they would like others to be punished for fitting into the ‘wrong’ category they have defined. Having an opinion that differs from these individuals is enough to be in their ‘wrong’ category. Yes, a thought—a simple thought—when in the filter of morality can define someone as ‘wrong.’ That’s the whole basis of shame right there. When a morality filter is placed on something like body image or sexuality to define someone as ‘wrong.’

Some people are so caught up in their emotional pain, they think my choice to type on my computer is an attack on individuals personally to ‘prove they are wrong.’ Sorry, there. I don’t actually know you exist. You don’t actually know I exist.

If you would like to prove you exist so I find your argument 100% fact, please send me your name, birth date, phone number, social security number, bank account and routing information, and a current photo ID. Now, I can’t process this information without $120, but if you’re willing to make a direct deposit to my Paypal…

Sorry, couldn’t help myself. XD Bad, Sadie. Bad. Am I not being serious enough? Whoops.

I remember not too long ago (I’m 35, for those wondering) I had expressed to my boyfriend of about 8 years now that it was more hurtful to be blind to someone else’s pain, than it was to hurt them intentionally. I likened it to walking and missing the fact you were crushing someone beneath your boots—how cruel! Ignorance was, in my mind, more intentionally cruel than intentional cruelness.

This is about the most irrational statement I have ever made in my life. Not knowing you’re hurting someone is a deliberate attack on them? Madness.

It was an irrational belief, and I once believed it wholeheartedly and expected people to conform to that idea. Surprisingly enough, they did not. XD But I can understand where that feeling comes from even if I don’t live my life by it anymore. I didn’t want my pain to go unrecognized. I certainly didn’t want to hear that people could step on my feelings and not be punished, even if they were blind to what they did. That wasn’t fair!

Some people are extremely angry about all of this. I am not one of those people. You can try to make me angry. You can hope I’m watching the screen while you’re pouring your righteous rage into your keyboard. It won’t do any good. My feelings come from within me and it is my choice how I want to feel. That people are blind to their choices when it comes to their feelings, beliefs and actions is what this week’s newsletter is all about. It’s what last week’s newsletter rant was all about. Did the angry people miss the point? Shocked. They’re trapped in their perspective, and whooo, it just makes them charming to interact with.

For Those Who Believe Words Hurt You; Brace Yourself For A Wakeup Call

I make a habit to question ‘reality.’ Most of the world as we see it is a story instead of real. We experience it in our heads, and things in our heads aren’t actually real.

To be exact, everything I read on my computer is text on a screen. Everything. That’s all it is. Sometimes it’s on a bigger screen, or a smaller screen. Sometimes I’m in my bedroom or grocery store or beside a loved one. Sometimes the screen has images, still and/or moving, and audio of a voice or music. On that screen are replications and interpretations of life.

Nothing on a screen is real.

Now, I understand people would like me to be very upset by the words and images I see on these screens, these replications of life. I, on the other hand, work very hard to not be outraged over the things that flicker across my computer screen. I do not always succeed in this endeavor. 😀

It is an amazing challenge considering the political upheaval that keeps ending up on my screens, the end of the world certainty, earthquakes and fires and extreme range of human suffering just waiting to be known in my mind. But all I must do is step away from the screen and realize my life is not changed. The world is not in the screen. My cats know; unless a mouse pointer is zipping around, they don’t look at screens at all. There’s nothing real on a screen to a cat but motion.

So, what is in my computer, or television, or phone screen if not reality? My perceptions of the world. There is no one there but me staring at symbols and images and hearing sound while I choose to interpret a story out of it all. When I am sane and rational, I can see this. I can see that the things on a screen are no more than light and shadow that my brain interprets as ‘real.’ What happens when I’m not being rational?

A Rational Reaction To An Irrational Situation

Have you ever seen a dog go from calm and relaxed to suddenly alert and angry? It starts barking and growling aggressively for no reason. You can’t figure out why until you realize the dog is looking at the television screen. Usually the dog is fine; it doesn’t even seem to notice the TV. But sometimes it hears a noise or sees a shape that reminds it of something in the real world, and the dog reacts. It freaks. There is suddenly someone in the room when before there wasn’t. Danger.

This dog is acting in a rational way to an irrational subject. All these reactions to protect its territory from a potential intruder makes complete sense. It’s what the dog perceives as an intruder that is where we define the situation as irrational. It’s just a sound, it’s merely a shadow on a screen. The dog is believing a ‘story’ of reality instead of actual reality, and that is where it all goes crazy.

Eventually the dog uses its other senses to realize that there isn’t something alive in the room, just a screen. Once the dog realizes there is no scent of an animal, no dimension to the character on the screen, no actual being as a source to the noise, the dog calms down. It stops caring the screen exists because the dog knows there is nothing real on it.

Humans, on the other hand, have a much harder time differentiating fantasy from reality. They look at screens—the way you’re reading my words on a screen this moment—and think that what’s happening in the text is real. They react to that belief, be it through emotional response or physical. Some completely forget that the things on the screen are just imitations of life, and they spend most of their time thinking about what they see there.

Why should I be upset over anything I read on a screen? What would be wrong in my brain that I would feel outraged and emotionally distressed when I’m aware I’m safe in the world and that the contents on a screen aren’t real? Reacting would be irrational. I know it’s irrational because I used to have PTSD, where I felt like I was in danger all the time when there was nothing actually there to harm me.

PTSD Is A Perception Disorder

What should help to understand the context of last week’s rant is that I’ve had PTSD since a toddler. What is PTSD? Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. You’ve probably heard about it with veterans of war. Mine is actually sourced from childhood abuse. Basically, it’s when the brain gets trapped in an emotional and chemical loop as part of a built in survival mechanism.

This survival mechanism exists to keep you aware that danger can occur and you need to be ready. Except, PTSD disregards that the event that sent the brain into this coping response is no longer occurring. The chemicals continue to flood the body until the body breaks down, unable to produce the stress hormones that keep it alive. Or the brain finds it all too unbearable and seeks death. So while your body thinks it’s fighting for its life for years on end with no actual danger in sight, it is literally killing itself.

I spent over 30 years with my brain and body chemistry insisting constantly that I was moments from being attacked. Every day. It didn’t matter the beauty around me, the safety and freedom, the fact that I was an adult in a world of my choosing. I was trapped in my brain and it was a horror show. I learned to break free of that chemical survival response occurring in my body—years of IFS therapy and mindfulness, well worth the time spent—and the key of it had to do with changing my thought and belief patterns. It was the only way to become free of what my brain was insisting was ‘real,’ even though I could very well see reality was completely different.

What I found fascinating was once I removed the damaging belief system, the chemical system began to calm without the constant messages from the brain triggering the body to ‘fight, flight, freeze or submit.’ The stress hormones were being released in response to the thought patterns. And once the chemical response calmed, it became easy to see the addictive nature of thought patterns and how thoughts create chemicals in the body that we perceive as emotions.

Emotions are responses to thoughts, not to events. The thoughts may have nothing to do with the actual situation at hand, but usually something from the past. An example:

A little while ago, my brother went to the doctors to get help for a cold and they prescribed him antidepressants. I freaked out. How dare they prescribe him a psych med that could harm him and diagnose him while he had a fever! Something needed to be done to keep doctors from throwing pills at people without any fucking research!

It was an intense reaction, one that had me upset for days. What I was reacting to wasn’t the situation of ‘my brother was prescribed antidepressants,’ but my thoughts about the situation. Part of my thoughts had to do with my memories of how being prescribed antidepressants led to me considering suicide 10 years ago. It was an extremely unpleasant, confusing situation that lasted for a year as I kept waiting for doctors to ‘fix’ me like they promised, while their medication kept making me crazy. These thoughts and beliefs, which I refer to as emotional software, had more power over my perceptions of the world than the fact that my brother is not me, is absolutely responsible for his choices, and no one has forced him to do anything. You can hand anyone a pill, but it is their choice to take it.

When I came back to reality and realized this, the uncomfortable emotions and my need for ‘something to be done’ alleviated. I could see rationally again, stop wasting hours to days worrying over a moment long gone, and move on with my life.

I had mental associations that worked as triggers to pull me from the reality of the world and trap me in my mind when it came to that situation. Emotional software. Some of these triggers were words like SSRI and doctor. The words themselves were triggers for the concepts held only in my mind. When I think of the word doctor, I’m thinking of every experience I ever had with a doctor—or at least one really shitty experience. It’s extremely hard to see reality when I’m trapped in memories and thoughts that can pop up in a moment because of one concept.

A Rational Reaction To A Perspective Disorder

Remember the dog example? So, to give you an idea of what PTSD would be in the same sense, imagine a puppy is sitting, minding its own business, when a man walks by and trips over it. This puppy experiences extreme pain, and thinks it’s being attacked as this much larger being tumbles and crushes the dog beneath his weight. The puppy survives this, but doesn’t move past this event mentally. The survival process has kicked in—the need to fight, flight, freeze or submit—and all those chemicals are pumping through the system sending associated messages to the brain of danger, danger, danger. But the off switch is never flipped.

The puppy’s behavior changes. It’s alert, afraid, watching every corner; there’s no way to know where the danger will come from. But the puppy remembers: man. A man was what fell on it, so man = pain. The dog is aggressive/afraid toward all men from that day forward. It doesn’t matter if a man never hurts the dog again. If the PTSD switch isn’t flipped off or the perspective changed, the chemicals will continue to flow and the dog will react to its emotional software of man = pain.

If this dog’s behavior is observed by other dogs, lets say puppies of its own, and they keep hearing this message of man = pain, those dogs may take up this belief and change their behavior to match even though they never experienced the PTSD triggering event of the first dog. But if separated from the first dog, and allowed to make mental associations on their own, these dogs may become free of the man = pain concept far easier because they’re not experiencing the same chemical responses in their body and brain as the PTSD dog is.

PTSD On The Brain

I have lived both the trapping of the mind in PTSD and the process of breaking free. I still have a brain that can require my constant awareness. 30 years of a PTSD molded brain (and there is no way to know if my brain would have been different without PTSD) has revealed an addiction to thinking—this post is a total clue of that, btw. XD Long ass addiction to hearing myself type. A neurotic need to say things the ‘right’ way when I know no such thing exists. @[email protected]

I have an addiction to patterns, such as video games and mind puzzles (2048 and suduko were favs). I have felt addictive properties in digital painting and the need to reach a ‘balance’ on the screen. My brain catches on these simple things that other people can just ignore completely. I have a chemical addiction to opiods. I have had 3 opiod pain pills in my life, and it was the second pill when I knew it was an addiction. It is awareness that allows me freedom, otherwise I would be a victim to every screen, every pattern, every pain pill a doctor insists ‘one won’t hurt.’ That’s how I ended up taking that 3rd opiod, btw. I had an infected tooth pulled during emergency surgery and the nurse swore up and down one isn’t addictive, it’s just pain relief. I put myself in danger to please a perceive ‘authority’ because a part of me wanted that pill more than it wanted to accept the reality of my body chemistry and dependency.

I have a body and brain set up to be dragged into false realities, and I don’t believe I’m unique in this. It can be easy to see with a chemical dependency or even a screen based pattern. Thinking? Feeling victimized by everything? These too are addictive behaviors.

In humans, a concept can become emotional software depending on our emotional associations. This is a survival trait. Think of the first time you touched something that burned. You can’t feel that pain anymore, but you may have a memory of pain associated with that thought to prevent you from grabbing a burning branch. If that feeling memory is so strong you wince, your heart races, or you truly feel you’re experiencing pain, you’re looking at your emotional software taking over. It’s the difference of some people experiencing vertigo when they look off the side of a cliff while others don’t.

When we choose our perceptions—the ‘meaning’ of events—and they become our beliefs, we are choosing how we are going to emotionally respond to something. How we emotionally respond usually results in how we act. So, if you find you’re unhappy with your actions—such as staring at a screen ruminating for hours on end—the best place to start is to look at the emotions that spurred you to that action, and then deeper, to your beliefs of the world where the source of those emotions spring from. I don’t delete emails anymore. My inbox fills up with thousands of emails and I don’t bother to spend hours to ‘throw them away’ because I realized my need to have the inbox empty was dumb. Now I just don’t care and it’s wonderful.

The key in all this? By being aware of what we choose to believe, we are less likely to freak out over life and react in ways that harm self or others. When we do freak out, we have a way to discern and unravel the thought patterns that lead to the unwanted responses. When it comes to PTSD, awareness resets the emotional software back to a more logical, less reactive insanity.

Sanity Is Subjective

Someone described me as a psychopath because I don’t reflect their value of pain back on this issue. On any issue, actually. I believe pain has no value. I believe nothing has value, but instead, our perspectives give value to everything. Seeing as it’s clear this person perceives actual pain to be in words on a screen, the rational of their accusation doesn’t really hit home for me. I find it completely irrational that someone would put perceptions above reality. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen—I lived it for years with PTSD.

People have murdered, committed genocide, enslaved other humans, overthrown and forced religious beliefs on others all because they placed perception above reality. The Nazis believed that their beliefs of the Jewish people justified mass murder. There are politicians in the US who believe it’s acceptable to discriminate against LGBTQs because of their beliefs about the norms of sexuality. The belief that a gun might prevent murder is currently being held over the reality of people murdered by guns.

Believing that the things in your head are real—more real than the actual world—doesn’t really show as a sign of emotional stability. From this vantage, it looks like these individuals are so out of touch with reality, they can’t even discern it from their own minds. Mob mentality is very good at validating reactionary emotions and justifying them over real life consequences. All it takes is a bunch of voices raised in anger, and all the rational voices to be silent for a mob to win. So, as a hopefully rational voice this week (just ignore the fever XD,) I choose to not be silent and instead attempt to open closed minds.

Morality And Pain Are Beliefs

The point of the PTSD perspective here is, when I was ranting last week, I was taking all the experience I have in my life and really saying to myself, ‘Gabrielle, this is how you avoid falling back into the brain-fuck that is PTSD and addictive thinking. Do not fall back into believing pain has value, because if you do, then rape, abuse, neglect, foster care, survivor’s guilt, and all that self-esteem insanity will have to be placed back on your psyche’s metaphorical shoulders and carried to define everything you are. Pain cannot be your identity, it cannot be your psyche. It is unbearable to live that way. It will destroy you. This is how you free yourself from pain. Do not value pain, but release it and get on with your life.’

If you’re reading this and actually have PTSD, I’m sure you’re thinking about running away at this point, if you haven’t already. I understand. You don’t want that answer. You don’t want that freedom. I mean, you may tell yourself you do, but then you’d have to face all the things you hate about yourself to get it, right? You’d have to face the shit that happened, the way you reacted to the shit that happened, the way you believe you are the shit that happened. It was all ‘wrong’ and there is no way to fix it. You’d also have to deal with all the people who want you to believe that pain is important, that it’s more important than actual reality. They’re really fucking loud about it.

PTSD can make you really loud about pain being valuable, because PTSD tries to define a human by pain, by the avoidance of pain, by the pushing through of pain, by the numbing of pain and disassociation so that the inflicted person can continue to cope while still not returning to reality. In seeking to avoid pain, you are still defining everything by pain. It’s flight instead of fight, but it’s still a pain reaction. In contrast, accepting pain and realizing it has little value outside of informing you not to repeat an action, allows you to release your obsession with pain and move on.

Something the rabidly angry people reading things that ‘hurt’ them are not learning as they seek to repeat their pain and inflict it on those who disagree with their opinions. Those who value pain intend to inflict or avoid inflicting it. They believe pain is so important, they want to inflict it to prove how important it is to feel that way. They believe pain can live in words, so they hurl words hoping to strike and scar. At the same time, they interpret words to do the same—even words that were never intended to harm anyone.

For those unaware, Hitler was horrendously abused as a child. There are many brutal dictators abused as children; it’s a common theme. The effects of PTSD on the brain can turn a person into a rigid being of beliefs and rules that demand others to fit into those rigid rules so that the PTSD individual can feel comfortable in the world (as comfortable as the disorder will allow.) They create strong ideas of morality, right and wrong, and then demand others to stick to those concepts.

Now, you might think ‘how the hell could Hitler and his followers ever think what they were doing was right?!’ Perception. Their morality was as insane as going ‘my genetics make me superior to you, so I am right and you are wrong, and I’m allowed to murder you.’ Life is perception. Both sides of any war believe they are ‘right’ and it doesn’t stop the murder. Morality is a mental concept used to justify atrocious action all the time.

Fun thought: if you feel like something should be ‘right,’ and you actually *force* others to follow that belief to make it so, you’re being an intolerable dickbag. It might not be full out oppression or genocide, but it’s really not a habit of behavior to encourage. Social constructs and interactions are agreements among independent people, not rigid laws and fact.

Freedom from PTSD comes with acknowledging that morality exists only in your mind. If you believe that there is a ‘right’ and a ‘wrong,’ and that you must be one of the options, you will likely suffer with PTSD until you die. Your brain will keep trying to create rigid ‘rules’ about how the world can only be *this,* and if you are *this,* you’ll finally be okay. (Ex. The world is dangerous but if I am alert and prepared, I will be safe.) Your brain will forever cycle, trying to come to terms with the traumatic event that put you in that state, while also trying to define you and the world by morality and sense. It’s impossible.

People are not events. We are not actions. We are not moments in time or thoughts. We are not the things that happen to us, or the things people call us, or the things we want and achieve. We cannot be wrong, and we cannot reach being right. If you find you are ‘right,’ you are in a rigid belief system that isn’t real and cannot last. It’s all a big perception mess that feels real in the head, because PTSD insists it’s real. PTSD needs you to believe the thoughts in your head are real for PTSD to continue.

Intention Means Nothing To Perception

If my intentions actually mattered in the big sway of things, it would be far easier to communicate. But it is perception, not intention that has power over the human mind. What do I mean by that? Well, if you jlijj hiohiol oihh hoihow eerf…

As you can see, my ‘intention’ to explain can be limited by your perception of the meaning of words. We need a common language. Not just English, in this case, but common. As an author, I follow a trend of ‘dumbing down’ my words. I don’t think the term really suits, though. I like to think I’m avoiding uncommon, unnecessary words that might slow or stop most people as they go to look up what things mean. As an erotic author of darker subject matter, you’ll also find a lot of profanities in my word pool. One, because I swear like that in real life, so it’s a natural replication of my speech. Two, because if a reader becomes offended by words like fuck (my favorite curse word, btw,) I don’t have to worry about them getting to extreme concepts that will surely offend them far more. This can work against me if I really want a reader to stay and read, which is why I’m holding back on swearing for this post.

There are other things just in my writing style that could prevent anyone from fully understanding. When I write informative statements—a technique I learned in school for essay writing—there can be a double-edged reaction. Some people will find the way this post is written to be persuasive, decisive, and to the point. Others will find it condescending and pretentious. Not even for the content (although surely that will be a reason,) but because of the way I make statements as if they’re facts. Some people want to hear ‘maybe’ or ‘please’ or ‘this is only my opinion’ or a million wishy washy statements to ensure that these simple words aren’t attacking them. It will be very difficult to reach through such perspectives because already the language barrier is so great. I’m putting words on a screen and a reader has already decided the way the words are arranged is wrong.

Explaining my intentions still can’t mean they’re understood or even had an effect. I can tell you that in my rants, I have no intention of hurting anyone. I can point out how I choose not to name or link anyone in this situation because even in my fun rants, I choose to be responsible with where I direct potential shrapnel. I understand real life consequences can come from insanity on screens. I have no interest in creating more drama, more pain, or singling anyone out. Those who want pain will find it without me. I just want to remark with my opinion of things. But in sharing my opinion, I do my best to act as responsibly as I perceive it to be, because I don’t want to be shitty toward people while they’re freaking out over things on their particular screen.

What I think is shitty is different from what you think shitty is. Tomorrow, that definition may be completely different from today. Nothing I can do about it. We are all different with different beliefs and perceptions. So when I say something, be it in person or on a screen, I understand my words aren’t interpreted fully the way I intend. They’re read the way each individual perceives. I can do my best to express myself, but it will never be as powerful as whatever is going on in the mind of who is reading my words. You know, if they can get past me writing fuck all the time. XD

Here are a few examples of words that can be perceived strongly even though they’re just symbols on a screen. Cunt. Rape. Aids. Scam. Victim. God. Torture. Cancer. Traitor. Molestation. Trump. Slut. Mother. Failure. Prison. I could go into racial slurs but I feel the point is made. Earlier I mentioned Doctor and SSRI. These are symbols on a page—mouth sounds when spoken—but the power of these words lives in the mind of the person perceiving them. The power is the concept you hold when you think of these words. These concepts are part of your emotional software.

You might believe, ‘No, these words mean the same thing to everyone because it’s fact!’ I recommend you listen to a foreign language you aren’t familiar with, and find some mouth sounds that sound suspiciously like these mouth sounds and yet don’t mean the same thing. Your brain will still have the reaction as if they are the words you know.

Perception is stronger than intention because intention comes from outside us, while perception is our filter on everything that is let in. No one can see outside their filter, but they can attempt to adjust that filter to see things without their emotional software.

Reality Is Defined By The Mind

If I never saw another screen again, the Internet would cease to exist for me. Everyone on the Internet would cease to exist. The only reason I might think they are still out there would be because I would have memories of interaction. If I realize those memories are just thoughts in my head, or those memories are forgotten, the Internet would no longer exist to me. This is the power of perception. Our world is defined by our minds.

I stress ‘defined,’ instead of suggesting reality is actualized by our minds. For example, allergies. I am allergic to over 20 different substances, many of them mold. Mold is very prominent in foods, especially grains, as well as houses, buildings, growing on the lawn, etc. It’s everywhere. For the most part, I cannot see the substances I’m allergic to, therefore I cannot prove that they exist outside of my random reactions. When I first discovered my severe health problems were rooted in allergies, I felt victimized. I had the perspective that the world—nature itself—was trying to kill me (or at least keep me very sick.) It took a while for me to choose a new perspective. The one where I acknowledged that the world hasn’t done anything; my immune system has decided to target certain substances in the world and freak out. I was doing this. My body is doing this.

Now, does that stop me from being allergic? Not really. Reality is reality. But it allows for a completely different set of reactions and actions based off of my perspective. I no longer needed to obsess looking for ways to isolate from allergens or feel depressed because nature hates me. I could instead look into improving my immune function through supplements and allergy shots, and be conscious about how I feel when I breathe around things I fear might have allergens. The immune system is connected to stress levels, so to keep from having my body freak out over inert substances in the air, I decided to work on my brain not freaking out.

My perspective allowed me to have a different path, one that has made living with allergies and an autoimmune disorder (when the immune system attacks the body) far more bearable than the dramatic soap opera I had initially conceived it to be. Seeing as autoimmune disorders tend to go hand in hand with PTSD, there could be more than just a belief that being calm has calming results. PTSD is a battle in the mind about what can be real and part of self. Autoimmune is a battle in the body about what part is the body and if it should be attacked. Theoretically, when you stop attacking yourself in your mind, you may set a standard with the rest of your body to stop attacking itself.

When you walk away physically from something, but you can’t let it go, it’s because your mind is fixated on something not actually there. While one person can turn a screen off and never think of the contents on that screen again, someone else can turn a screen off and spend sleepless nights thinking of the contents on that screen. They might spend hours arguing in their head, not eating, snapping at their loved ones, ruminating over and over again day after day.

‘That thing I read or saw… That thing. It’s doing this to me. That thing is making me crazy. If only I could understand it. It needs to make sense. That person who wrote that thing—they’re the ones who did this to me! They hurt me. They need to pay.’

The choice to fixate is what makes people lose touch with reality. The need to understand and define the meaningless traps us in a world of beliefs. I would know; I’ve been there. But hey, let’s explore. Let’s have a look at that asshole who made you do that thing you didn’t want to do. Let’s meet an author.

An Example Of A Greasy Salesman

Who do you perceive me, the author of this post, to be? I can choose to offer a different perspective in the hopes of changing how you see me. Like, the fact I’m covered in butter right now! Head to toe, salted and everything, butter. I’m avoiding salicylates because of my allergies. Did you know you can have a histamine response without an immune response? That means you can have the same symptoms of allergies, just without the immune system going crazy. So, since salicylates are in just about every fruit and most plants we eat, and plant based oils are in all my body lotions, I’m slicking up with butter until I find something better. It smells delicious. XD

Now, did that paragraph force you to go out and buy butter, or research allergies and histamines? Are you covered in butter right now to see what it’s like? Do you actually know for a fact I’m covered in butter? There is no way for you to know, (but I am! XD) What if I told you Sadie Sins is offering a limited edition body lotion based off of my new butter research, and if you preorder now, you too can be buttery and histamine reaction free? What if I said, if you don’t preorder, I’m going to send mobsters to your house to force you to try my buttery concoction whether you like it or not? (I know, intriguing. Where would I get a bunch of buttered up mobsters to slick you up against your will? Are they hot? Naturally. <3)

I know, it all just seems so silly when it’s butter. What about if it’s a book? What about if it’s for my cat and dog who both need life saving operations asap? (My cats are fine, btw, no worries, and I don’t own a dog.) I could say absolutely anything to try to persuade someone to send money my way.

I can say anything at any time. It’s just an arrangements of symbols on a page. They could have been placed there months ago or a moment. Words are everywhere. But what are you doing when you’re reading those words? Well, what do you do when you interact with someone on the street? You perceive to the best of your ability. In the real world, you believe your eyes, ears, nose, mouth, touch, and brain are all working correctly to paint a picture of reality of the person in front of you. On a computer screen? All you have is your brain and eyes, sometimes ears.

When you choose to trust someone, you aren’t choosing to trust what you know about them. You’re choosing to trust what you believe you know, while ignoring what you don’t know. Some people, like myself, choose to trust while accepting that we don’t know for certain that anything is true or real.

You may have thought differently of me with that little butter example—like I’m weird, possibly very slippery atm. Quirky. A manipulative asshole. Whatever. I can’t control how people think or what they do—I can’t control if people continue reading. You could have walked away already because no one is obligated to read what’s in front of them. If they feel obligated, that’s a perception in their mind, not a reality.

What if you look at the date of this post and it turns out to be a week in the past? A month? A year? Is everything in this post a lie now because, hey, a year from now I may not be covered in butter? The text said I was in butter, so it must be true. What if a year from now, it comes out in Buttergate to reveal that no, I have never slathered myself in butter. Only margarine! (Margarine likely has salicylates, so I don’t recommend it.) You have been mislead. You have been betrayed. Or, you know, you got sucked into a story and lost track of reality, because you forgot everything you’re reading is just words on a screen. Everything on your screen is a story, an imitation of life.

I readily admit I do not know the world. I’m still discovering parts of my own brain and psyche; how can I know everything and be certain of its validity? How can I know anything without the filter of my brain? My brain defines my reality. I can only trust that how it’s defined is real, and part of that trust is understanding that what is before me might change in an instant to reveal something more accurate. It’s acknowledging that a computer screen is not a human being. That a drawing or photo is not a human being. That the written account of someone’s past is not a human being. A corporation is not a fucking human being.

If you would like to prove to me without a shadow of a doubt that you are indeed a real human being and be awarded a certificate to validate your existence, please send me naked videos of yourself. Keep it sexy. I’m afraid my email has a processing fee of $50 for every mb of data sent, so first initiate a direct deposit of $1000 to my Paypal, and I’ll refund you whatever is left over once the videos are received…

I know, I can’t help it. It’s funny to me. Lol. You can either be at my very whim, hostage to the things I choose to write on my computer, or you can admit you are the only one in control of your actions. Considering I’m not rich, I’m pretty sure when I say ‘give me money’ it doesn’t force anyone to do anything. (But please, feel free to prove me wrong. That’ll show me. Hardcore.) We all have the choice to walk the fuck away from the screen. We all have the choice to disengage our minds from the screen.

The Insanity Of Humanity

If I believed people were victims, then I would be blaming victims. Victim is a concept of the mind; a person can’t be a concept. I’m pointing out that there is a choice being intentionally ignored because people want to see someone be punished for what happened. A righteous ending to an angry, ‘unfair’ story. They want a sacrifice, and they will find as many as they can to make them feel like the world makes sense.

If the world made sense, genocide wouldn’t exist; wars wouldn’t happen; sexual attraction, skin color, and belief systems wouldn’t be a justification for murder, oppression and imprisonment. We wouldn’t seek out and attack each other for differences of opinion. Chain letters wouldn’t have ever been a thing—seriously, don’t get me started on this wanton choice of insane belief. Annoying as fuck madness, chain letters. If you disagree, forward this newsletter to twenty of your closest, dearest friends before April 1st, or a gremlin will hide inside your closet and turn all your clothes baby-poop green. I swear it’s true. My cousin’s, neighbor’s, best friend’s father-in-law knew a guy who saw it happen. His clothes were gross. Don’t risk it!

The world does not make sense, at least, the world created by human perception. The need for sense and reason comes from humanity, not reality. I cannot change it; I can only point it out. The same way I cannot change that pain is a perception that lives only in the mind.

Prove Your Pain Is Real

Can you? Can you even find your pain? Can you hold it up and show it? Can you let someone borrow it? What about a thought? Can you prove thoughts are real? Yes, you can describe and write a thought down or speak one, but that’s not a thought, that’s just an imitations of a thought. Thoughts aren’t symbols on pieces of paper. Both thoughts and pain live in one place; the mind.

Phantom limb pain is where a body part that is no longer attached is perceived to tingle, twitch, move and/or hurt. This is not a haunting by a limb; this is an indication that body sensations are all translated and defined in the brain to the point that we don’t need a body to believe we have one. It’s why certain drugs can stop pain; not because the wound or injury is gone, but because the perception of the pain is disrupted.

Pain feels real. That sensation occurs in the brain and is translated as being in the body, but it ‘feels’ real. Emotional pain can also feel real. You have a brain capable of recreating the sensations of an actual limb that is no longer attached. The brain is wondrous, but it can also trap you in a delusion depending on if you believe your emotional pain is real.

PTSD is a disorder that works with body sensations and chemicals to make an individual believe that thoughts of pain are actually real. That’s a good sign that even brains not inflicted with PTSD have a system in place that can create this illusion. PTSD is just the lack of finding the off switch when it comes to a built in survival mechanism. That means the biological machine you’re living in has all the systems in place to make you believe pure illusion.

You don’t have a body sensation to interpret a source with emotional pain. But once emotional pain is defined in the brain, the body/brain can release a chemical cocktail to insist that what you’re feeling is actually real. All emotional pain has to cling to is the mind’s belief that what you’re feeling is real and important. It’s a choice many people don’t think they have control over. They do. It is completely up to you to decide if the pain—the hurt, the anger, the outrage, the need for justice—if any of it is actually important and worth feeling pain over.

You may be asking if it’s right or wrong to no longer have huge, reactionary emotions to everything around you. That’s a morality judgment reserved for those who need to feel like there are rules and meaning to keep the world and society in order. If you can trust that you can exist in this world pain free (or at least, pain less) and not be someone who goes out and murders for kicks, then that trust is enough. You never knew the real world to begin with. Right and wrong never existed. If you honestly think that belief in morality is the reason you’re not a murdering psychopath, well, good luck with that. You might want to forget everything you just read to keep from murdering everyone you know including yourself. Clearly you’re not in charge of your actions (this is sarcasm, just to be clear.)

It’s just you and your brain in all this. There is no one to trust but yourself, so you might as well place it there.

How Do You Really Know Reality?

Can you look at another human being and truly know if they are thinking, if they are feeling? When you look in the mirror, can you see your thoughts and emotions?

You can see someone move and interact with their environment. You can watch someone stare at a screen for hours and hours on end, living in a false world in their head stimulated by images and text on a screen. But do you know if brain activity is occurring? What if the muscles in their face are paralyzed and there is no facial expression to go off of? Have you ever seen a thought? You’re reading a reaction to my thoughts, but this is not a thought, only text. Can you grab someone’s happiness and hold it? What about pluck someone’s depression from their shoulder?

It is absolutely your belief that defines if you perceive other people to be the same as you on an emotional and intellectual level, because there is no tangible way to truly know. I choose to assume that everyone is my equal, capable of doing the things I do. I choose to assume that my senses aren’t lying, and I’m truly living in a human body, on a planet, surrounded by other humans. Not to get too Matrix here, but this is a choice of belief because all we have are our perceptions. I can point out that screens can’t be lived in, but they are creating a perception of reality because of the brain. The brain is capable of creating layers of reality, and there is no way to know if our perceptions are honest to actual reality.

Our brains are the only reason we can perceive to have senses in the first place. Everything we know, everything we see, all comes from our brain.

I’m not a Flat-Earther, but the movement bring up an interesting point of perspective. Unless you can use your senses to fully perceive something, you can never truly ‘know.’ The scale of the Earth is too large to honestly know if it’s round through human senses. We know because we create tools to measure, compare, map, photograph, math, etc, etc, but to the human mind, our reality is still only what we perceive through our senses and what we choose to believe. Sometimes those senses can be ignored completely to be replaced purely by belief so things make ‘sense.’

Identity Is Crafted Through Beliefs

Last week’s newsletter was never about the author and what they did or who they were. It was how I felt about the reaction from the community. I’m not defending or blaming anyone; that author made every choice he/she/they made. Every person has their line of what they think is appropriate, but just because my line is different doesn’t mean I’m going to condemn someone for their line. I have seen this line everywhere, but it’s this particular community that takes it personally. People tell stories all the time. People get swept up into things all the time. I was commenting on the community—the same group of people who bought into the false identity in the first place, and who are now buying into the ‘pain must be avenged’ story. The community who keeps looking for justifications to feel hurt, while ignoring the pattern of behavior they’re perpetuating.

How frustrating to know it will continue because people don’t want to see the part they play. How frustrating to realize anyone could accuse any author for not being ‘real,’ and ruin years of work. I cannot prove to you I am real. How do I know that? Because you cannot prove to me you are real. (But if you really want to prove it, send money to… XD) We are going on belief and trust here, and for all I know, you’re a Russian spy bot that signed up to my newsletter. Yes, all 6000 of you. *suspicious glare*

Perception of reality in this modern world has revealed to have real world consequences. The harder that perception is clung to, the easier it is to make someone act against their own interests as they buy into a story and lose track of their behavior. I’m not just talking financial consequences, I’m talking cults, road rage, self harm, stopping the activities you love because someone wants you to be different. It’s very easy to blame the trigger, the words on the screen or the author of those words, but it’s your actual actions in response to your beliefs that are the defining key in these scenarios. I watch people continue to feed the behavior of turning intangible pain into concrete vengeance, instead of stopping and learning and being responsible for their beliefs.

I feel connected to the MM and LGBTQ community. It is this connection where my emotional software lies on this subject. A part of me identifies with the community and the genre where there are so many readers who love MM. I see pain here. I see a disconnect from reality as people keep screaming their pain at absolute strangers, demanding they stop hurting them. I feel invested and want to see the best for the community, even as I know that is completely up to the individuals within the community. I see the rigidness of belief in identity the community clings to as the source of a lot of drama and pain, not to mention the justification of these witch hunts as they seek to punish those who don’t fit their expectations.

I do not say this to be shocking, or condemning, just honest to my experiences. I have never been discriminated against outside of the LGBTQ community for my sexuality. I have been discriminated against within the LGBTQ community repeatedly for my sexuality. This is a community obsessed with identity based on gender and sexuality, and how those things appear in the body and the world. But gender is a concept. Sexuality is a concept. Attractiveness is a concept. The need to escape these concepts is forcing these thoughts to be important in some people’s minds. It’s just in the mind, but people keep defining themselves and others by these concepts. Identity becomes integral for this community when identity doesn’t even exist.

In the same way the PTSD brain is obsessed with pain as value, so too does the community obsess with the pain of not being allowed to be who they identify as. It is an obsession. While others can change their clothes and be allowed to be exactly who they are—or someone else completely as they choose—those obsessed with identity must reaffirm all identity again and again, labeling, defining, insisting others cannot be really be who they are because *insert rigid defining rule that everyone must follow or leave.* The details become so important. The concepts define and trap humans in their perspectives, and try to prevent them from moving and being free.

This is not everyone in the community. This is not even the majority. It’s easy to notice the loud, critical voices and define them as an entire group—especially when they’re being really loud. But communities are groups of people who identify as similar in particular aspects, so these rigid beliefs of identity are more prominent within the community than those who hover at the edges or step away to be independent. In the need to escape, to be allowed to be free from being discriminated for sexual identity, certain individuals act in ways that discriminate against others for their identity. That rigidness can push others out.

Grand example: Veganism. A concept when forced on others can becomes so overbearing, people want to escape. Vegetarians aren’t ‘good enough,’ and meat eaters aren’t allowed to exist and need to be educated or removed completely. Not all vegans are like this, but the ones who are so caught up in the identity define the negativity of the entire concept of Veganism.

Last week I expressed my frustration with this pattern of behavior in the community. What was heard, on the other hand, well. That’s where perception trumps intention. I’m sure I wasn’t as clear as I’d prefer with the fever—and the fact I was ranting XD—but that is the way of communication. I can express myself to the best of my ability, but if no one else can read English, the message is already lost.

The Weight Of The World

I can tell from some comments, there are individuals who would rather I consider the events that brought these reactions into being in the author situation, instead of focusing on the community’s response. They want to tell me a story so that I will feel the same emotions of outrage, because they feel these emotions are important and justified. Some think I’m uninformed. Clearly if I were informed, I wouldn’t feel the way I do! It’s just impossible, right?

I’m informed, but it is still a story to me. I will not debate the right and wrong of punishing all of humanity when Eve gave Adam the apple; it’s a nonsense story that has no meaning on reality. I won’t get caught up in the morality of eating meat when we live on a planet where every organism consumes organisms to live. Reality is reality, and only things that happen now are real.

Many things don’t happen, but we believe they do. Many things happen that we will never know. Do they require our emotional response when they have never reached our knowledge? Why does knowledge of an event require the same pain as an event we actually experience? Why is that illusion of pain so important that every imitation of life requires it?

Let’s say a terrible event was filmed. During the filming, only the person with the camera saw it. This event only existed in reality for one person for that one moment. But when that film was shown, shared across the Internet, and repeated for years, the replica of the moment then lives in the minds of every single person who viewed and felt pain to know it could have existed. One moment of pain that could have been allowed to slip away, instead becomes a devastation across nations and generations with no end, carried in the minds of billions.

What if it turns out the film was actually fiction? The event was staged? Does it matter, when the response is the same and people believe that pain is real?

If it’s perceived as ‘real,’ people feel obligated to respond as if it’s real. Does the perception of pain make you obligated to feel pain? I say to be free, no. There is enough pain in our actual lives without carrying the pain of the entire human race, past, future, and fantasy. Today can never be today if we’re carrying yesterday’s pain in our hearts.

This isn’t some sort of hypothetical; this is a requirement in the modern world. People watch the news all the time and it’s filled with images of tragedy and pain on a loop. We’re dealing with dictators who send out absolute lies to populations including films of fiction, and insist it’s all real. Fox News is a perfect example of lies sold as reality to a nation. I’ve never seen the state news of North Korea, but it’s a false perspective fed to an entire population. We call Reality TV reality when it’s absolutely bullshit. We are living in a complicated world of perspectives, one that will be growing more confusing, more difficult to distinguish between reality and perception as our technology improves and lines keep blurring.

There is no changing that reality is filtered through our minds. Our perspectives are our individual reality. If we cling rigidly to our perspective, we will forever be battling with the inconsistencies as someone stands beside us and sees a new view. Even though an individual’s perspective is his/her complete reality, it actually does nothing to change the reality that individual is perceiving outside of ‘meaning.’ Reality will continue to change, grow, degrade, shift, adjust, adapt. We must be as malleable as the perception of reality itself, or we may end up killing each other to prove the world is a globe instead of flat.

You can carry all that pain you perceive with you, or you can realize that the events you view and read don’t require your emotional distress. Until you can disengage and realize you have a choice in your beliefs and actions, you won’t be able to truly understand the nonsense of the author situation. I understand some think their feelings are what’s important, but that is exactly why they can’t see past them. Those emotions and the concepts attached to them have become more valuable than the situation in their minds. Which is why they are filtering reality through those emotions to create a perception of the world where the emotions are valued above everything else. That emotional software is unique to that individual, yet they’re trying to define reality by it for everyone.

It makes it hard to find common ground. It makes it so someone can’t even express a difference of perspective without the individuals emotionally invested feeling the need to make that opinion disappear. It makes it so the people who feel that their pain is more valuable than all else must ensure it doesn’t happen again—something that is completely impossible to do, btw—and act in ways that restrict and harm others to ensure that intent.

Ego Death

While it can be easy without PTSD to step back and take stock of the situation and realize things aren’t as first appeared, PTSD requires far more. It requires the complete tearing down of reality depending on the individual and how deep the ‘triggering event’ is associated with concepts. For me, it required ego death, one I experienced fully for about a day and a half.

I lost about a month or so of writing as I slowly rebuilt back into a more relatable being (subjective, I’m sure! XD) But for a while there, I was completely unhinged from what most people would perceive as reality (or, as Wendy calls it—love this term!—consensual reality.) I read a passage about ego death and my brain had a moment of, ‘wait, that’s possible?’ and bam. PTSD memory released and the absolute rewriting of my emotional software. All because my brain perceived it was ‘allowed’ to change.

Everything was bliss, funny, interesting, including my own emotions. You think my response to this author thing might sound callous? I was laughing at the mudslide victims in California for not leaving their homes when there were forest fires. The fire didn’t get them, but the damn mud did when one was way more expected and seen! What a ridiculous joke, life. To ‘argue’ online was to do it while laughing at the amazing sensation of the emotions I would feel. My bf thought I was being patronizing or funny as fuck depending on the subject. We laughed so much those days because nothing could hurt, nothing could encroach on my perspective of reality and taint it with fears of the future or mental concepts of the past. It was freedom.

It did, unfortunately, make my writing very difficult. All the rules—there are so many rules! You don’t even understand all the stupid concepts we call rules—time, language, symbols, speech patterns and mouth sounds. Ugh. So much bullshit. I didn’t want to care, I didn’t want to write sentences at all or polish anything. I just wanted to throw words at the screen and let them stick. An idea was enough, damn it!

Lol, but Hellcat sucked. That first draft had no ego, no character life, and I realized I needed to don that ego persona again to write those characters with a more genuine feel. There is always the possibility that the persona of Sadie Sins can be slipped off and folded up when I stop writing. It’s expected, like any performance artist. But I also know the same is true of Gabrielle. Ego death was just a matter of slipping that persona off as well and realizing for everything I can do to write a character, I can write myself into being. And who is anyone outside of me to say I can’t? They have no control over who I can be.

Some people find this concept to be freeing, the realization that you are not the accumulation of everything that happened to you. When you have lived through ‘horrors’—be they real or in your mind—it is very easy to identify self as events or actions or thoughts or wants. Freedom from that identity is bliss. Others may find the concept of ego death enraging. They need their pain and suffering to have value because their identity needs value. They need to feel it all, and for others to feel it, and for every single human on this planet—before, now, and after—to conform to their beliefs of the world. One perspective demands people to change or disappear to make one human being happy. The other perspective asks you to accept the world as it is, and who you are in the world as a choice.

We think the events of our lives do this, that they define us, but really it’s our perceptions of what we value. We choose to pluck from the hours and years of past footage, add in values and beliefs and costumes, and go ‘this is me.’ And let me just say, how interesting a choice to seek all the misery and decide that is who you are instead of all the beauty.

The Dangers Of Rigid Thinking

The reason I came to this mindset was because I wanted freedom from PTSD. I had a severe perception disorder that caused physical and psychological damage in my life, and required so much more to break free than just touching a screen and going ‘oh, that’s just a flat surface with symbols on it. Stop freaking.’ The level of perception change I went through is unusual (to the best of my knowledge.) That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek to open the mind and adapt to the world as it is.

There is a danger to perceiving rigidly when the world is malleable. One is the reason I brought the whole thing up—being scammed. How many people have invested thousands into educational courses or business schemes only to discover ‘it’s a scam?’ They’re not getting what they perceive their money and time is worth. How many keep with it, still pouring money in because they ‘invested?’ They feel they gave their time and money and belief and they can’t back down now. They believe they have to make it work, or it proves they’re a failure or a chump.

How about cults? I just explained in this newsletter how reality is purely our perception. Do you think I’m the first person to figure that out? This truth is absolutely exploited by every religious institution out there (not to mention marketing company.) The more insidious are the ones who tear down the boundaries of ‘reality’ and then tell their followers what the only reality can be. They grab the brain when it’s malleable, and then they give their followers a rigid belief system that they lock in. It can start right in the cradle for ‘religions’ or at any other point in your life. Adults are not immune to rigid perceptions; quite the opposite. Suddenly you’re out millions of dollars, acting like a maniac on television while promoting your latest movie and praising Xenu. Or you’re promoting to all your followers on social media that the Earth really is flat because you can’t see the curve when you’re in a plane. Or that the Illuminati, a race of lizard people you haven’t met, is actually real because text on a screen said so. Or that it’s okay to murder someone over a drawing because they insinuated that it was a representation of Muhammad.

What about suicide and cyber bullying? There is an extreme rage, and an even deeper sorrow as the mind tries to comprehend what could drive a youth to take their own life. When you believe the cruel messages, you’re lost to them. When you give your self esteem over to the worst voices you hear or read, and choose not to walk away, you’re allowing so much pain to define you, forge you, and ultimately destroy you. No one makes you engage, no one makes you define self by the voices of others. We need to understand perception and our choices, because we make irrational choices when we fail to see reality.

This is not a morality definition on suicide (or any of the examples above.) I truly believe suicide is the ultimate choice of self and no one has a right to interfere. But to allow that choice to be made not from a place of acceptance of death, but to escape perceived pain can be absolutely mind boggling. If this is the only existence you perceive, why fill it with so much unbearable misery that you must erase from life completely? Ego death for a rebirth and you can have a whole new life instead of stopping it all.

You may not want to be the person who has a mental concept that the noise a car makes as it pulls up beside you means that the other car wants to run you off the road and you need to drive dangerously in response. You may not want to believe the water you’re drinking is safe—even though it totally doesn’t taste right and it lights on fire—but ‘an authority,’ the gas company said it was fine. You may not want to keep paying on a car loan you can’t afford just because you think you’ll have ‘failed’ or be ‘worthless’ or have ‘broken a promise.’ Don’t be the dumbass killing celebrities because you think The Catcher In The Rye is talking to you!

It’s not necessarily what people believe that leads to irrational or dangerous actions. We all believe things that can’t be proved and may never be. It’s that some believe so completely, that they ignored the basic instinct to not harm or be harmed. Consider a mouse still and content in a field, and a cat that doesn’t sense it across the yard. But when the mouse perceives a danger, perceives it *must* react, danger, danger, danger, and goes bolting out to avoid that mental concept of danger, the cat sees and pounces. It’s the same with the gun debate in America. The mental concept that a ‘gun will protect me because I don’t want to be shot’ is raging against reality. All guns do is shoot. That’s what they’re designed for, shooting bullets to hit things. If you don’t want to be shot, don’t surround yourself with the things that shoot.

What life are you trapping yourself in right this moment? Are you allowed to have fun? Are you allowed to pursue the things you enjoy? Do you deserve to suffer? Do you need to take an hour to ensure your hair and makeup is perfect or you’re not a valuable person? If you don’t make $20 an hour, are you a complete failure? If your loved one doesn’t read your mind and acknowledge your emotions, do they hate you? Do you spend your days writing erotica but perceive that the world thinks you’re weird/wrong for it (I fought this belief a good year while telling myself I was winning.)

The only way to break free is to realize you’re doing it to yourself. You’re choosing to believe these ideas have value, and as such you must logic your way out of them. You need to strip it away instead because there is no value to be found.

It can be difficult to see reality past the emotional software. I truly don’t know if it’s harder for those with PTSD or without, because I have only ever had one brain. But I do know you can be inflicted with a perspective disorder all the way back to the beginning of your life, and still find a way free. You don’t have to be trapped in your brain and the painful concepts you unwittingly create. You can open your mind and see that the real world is still the real world, and your thoughts about it don’t fuck it up or save it. Reality remains reality and you remain you.

A Note Of Compassion

Some of you smarties might be pointing out, ‘Sadie, if you’re so fucking with it, why were you ranting last week?’ Lol. Well, it’s fun, for starters. Because I’m a human being and wonderfully imperfect. It took me stopping, realizing I was perceiving an entire movement of pitchforks over some bitchy posts on the Internet about an author I don’t even know—although I liked one of his/her books. Nice sex scenes—and then I reacted like an angry mob was coming after every author out there and I needed to defend. Rawr! Partially because I’m well aware of how impossible it is to really know someone and how these techniques, such as pen names and ghostwriting are so commonplace in the writing community. Partly because I failed to stop and take a step back and remember just because a few voices on the Internet are saying shit doesn’t mean anything.

Like, legit. No offense, but someone bitching in a review about one of my books is not a book written. A minute to bitch verses hours/days/months to write a book? Yeah, I’ll let you know when I care. People bitch all the time, and it’s only if you listen that it even has an impact. We pay people to listen—looking at you, Congress—and they still don’t bother. But I had made a choice to listen. I read those little sordid details of ‘why this mattered!’ and I projected that concern of ‘you people are fucking delusional’ into the future and had a nice rant for the sake of all my author friends and for myself. I know, very mature of me. I also yell at the television for being dumb. (One of us is dumb and it’s probably not the two dimensional TV. XD)

This again comes back to the morality and value concept. I can choose to feel shame for fucking up by reacting to my emotional software—even though ‘fucking up’ is also just a concept and no one can actually fail. I can choose to ignore what I did, and steam forward while insisting rigidly that everyone should see things my way. Or I can accept that I’m human, I do things, and sometimes I would rather not do things. And it’s not the rant I would want to undo—it was a good, informative rant. I’d rather have not had the perception that a bunch of humans who I innately care about would forever continue to rail at invisible demons in their heads and blame it on the authors who are very good at crafting similar demons with words.

I trapped these people in my mind as being trapped. I don’t want them to be trapped, so I need to stop seeing them that way.

It comes down to compassion. I have compassion for self and for everyone I perceive. It’s not always seen, but the intention is there far beneath the messiness of emotional software and erratic reactions.

There’s Nothing In The Dark But You And Your Mind

If you find my rants entertaining, know I find ranting to be an entertaining way to spend some time. XD But my rants are short, they pass as fast as it takes to write them out, and I return to the real world because that’s where I want to be. What you’re reading is just an echo of my thoughts. For those who want to live in their computer screen thinking that is the real world, that is where they want to be and it will be very hard to understand each other because of it.

I don’t believe the world in the screen is real. I don’t even know if you actually exist; you’re no more than text on a screen to me—but you’re seriously awesome text, just saying. Whoot, sexy font. XD It is your belief that I am real that makes me real to you. Otherwise, you would notice all I am is text and a few images on your screen, and actual people are more than that. You supply my existence for you with your belief. For all you know, this post is years old and I’m dead.

I will leave last week’s rant there for those who need to say whatever it is they feel compelled to say. You will not be challenged by me, you will not be questioned, persuaded, embraced, asked to change or be judged. I will not be your witness or your conflict. I promise you silence as you vent, which I realize I should have offered from the very beginning. You are alone with only yourself and your perceptions every time you sit in front of your computer, and this is no different. You have only yourself to understand, insult, convince, struggle against, and ultimately forgive. It can feel very cathartic to bitch online and state your beliefs. I know I enjoy it. XD

I see your pain. You may want me to see your anger or your intelligence, but I see your pain. Truly, I hope you find peace.

We’re all trying to cope with the fact we’re alive. Some people find the way to cope is to throw themselves into the details, to swear up and down if they find some value in it all, everything will be okay. They will ‘do’ something, they will ‘be’ someone, and the world will change. They want control. They tell themselves things they can never know the truth of to make it through another dark night, then distract themselves with all the shiny bright things in the light. It’s fine. Cope. Scream at the world for not being within your control. I know plenty who have gone to their graves still screaming at the world instead of embracing and loving the moments they have. It wasn’t ‘wrong,’ just very lonely.

I choose freedom from pain while others cling tight, and it’s perfectly fine. I don’t need to protect you from your minds because you are not victims—no matter how many people would like me to believe you are too dumb and incapable of making choices. I will not take responsibility for your reactions and your feelings because they are yours, not mine. The way I conduct myself is by my belief systems, not by any social obligation to conform to perceived norms. You’re still the one in control of how you feel and act. If you don’t feel in control, I suggest mindfulness. It’s very calming and makes the world interesting instead of full of pain. Two sources that helped me greatly and eventually led to my current perspective is Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle.

This post was about empowerment for every single person on this globe. If you find it to be otherwise, if you believe what I’m saying leaves people behind, leaves them victimized and broken while others are allowed to live the way they want, that is a belief you need to look inside and question. Because if you don’t believe you have an innate right to decide how you want to see the world, then you don’t believe others have that right or ability.

The human race is moving day by day closer to globalization, a reaching and connecting with absolutely different cultures with different belief systems all seen on an array of screens. It is very easy to feel ‘superior’ when we see a culture different, one where people act against their own interests, or more specifically, against our interests. It is only through malleable perspectives and responsibility of reactions and actions that we’re going to find common ground and keep a balance. America is still battling perceptions from moments far into the past, such as slavery and gender/race/sexuality inequality. How long will the human race carry every mistake and pain instead of finally moving forward fresh and free?

I hope your interpretation of my words is remotely close to my intentions. As for your reactions to that interpretation, well, I have no way to predict or control any of it. The text on the screen means absolutely nothing without a human mind to read, and as such, it is yours to own. I am merely the intention who wrote it. You are alone in your mind with your opinions and perceptions of pain. If you want to continue living in that pain while deciding it is meaningful and worthwhile to suffer, that is your choice completely. Just know it is a choice, and at any moment you’re allowed to feel differently.