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March 18

Motherfucking IDEAS!!! *flail*

My fucking brain, peeps, seriously. Just fuck my damn brain. This is my life now. Either I’m perfectly responsible and write the shit I’m ‘supposed to’ write because I’ve made commitments, or I go on a fucking bender making something totally new, and super crazy, and it should exists and I want to do it!!!

I think spring is hitting and my hibernation is over. My brain hibernation. @[email protected] Seriously, fuck my life if I start reacting to mold once the heat hits. I’m experimenting with probiotics that are known to produce dopamine in the hopes if I get my gut biome balanced out, the Parkinson’s will be cured.–Ha, talk about ideas; let’s cure Parkinson’s on the side, yeah? (but really, let’s. Why the fuck not?)

So my current flailing has to do with this super cute, ridiculously fun (and totally raunchy) idea of someone moving into one of those haunted houses–you know the drill. Satanic rituals/what have you committed before the cult leader killed off everyone and was dragged away to be insane in prison until dead. The main character knows something is wrong, is certain there is a monster in the closet. So he places a stuffed animal in there to protect him, and when he retrieves it in the morning, the stuffed animal is possessed by a very protective, very horny demon who has characteristics of both fluffy cuteness and creepy demon.

Oh, and this closet portal to hell is not a one time door. Our fluffy horndog of a demon can summon friends by transferring them into the empty shells of stuffed animals and go on a fuck fest, all while dealing with some overarching plot of evil trying to destroy our main character for living in the hell house of doom.

And wouldn’t it just be extra fucking awesome as a visual novel with cool art and sexy visuals??!???! Like, it could be my practice run before tackling something giant like Demon Virus?

!!!!!!!! *dies* XD I know! I need to be, like, 50 fucking people so I can write this while working on PATB. I need, like, a zillion bucks so I can just hire people to make this shit while I write the proper stuff. Argh! Fuck adulting. Fuck my damn brain for having so many fun ideas and only belonging in this limited body of slowness. GAH! (what’s it like to want, Sadie? It fucking sucks, thank you! Fuck you, brain.) *slams head against table* @[email protected]

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💕Fun MM Stuff In The Works!💕

Hey babes!

As I sit here, staring at my computer, all I can think about is the shit I don’t want to talk about, you know? I am so exhausted and frustrated with the world. It is gorgeous weather where I am, no mold yet to be found, and I just want the world to stop being insane and join the happy train already. Selfish, sure, but hey, sometimes we need to be selfish.

So I’m going to talk about all the awesome shit I want to do, and how I can’t time manage my ass into gear (what gear would that be…?) to get it done. Ugh, why am I so bad at juggling things? Like, people do things all the time, every single day, and I’m just fumbling between eating and writing. @[email protected] Come on.

Things in the works…

  • The taboo guest author spotlight for mm writers. I gotta create a form or something, guidelines, what have you, but I really love this idea. And I was thinking later it might not have to be just for taboo writers, but it is my focus atm because of the whole censorship and discrimination taboo fiction faces verses any other fiction. I really do want a place where even if social media platforms start banning things—you know, the way Tumblr banned anything adult—you don’t have to worry about these links disappearing.

  • A new short story—and that is the key here, I want to make a short story I’m going to freaking finish, and it’s going to be full of nasty sex. This has been such a problem for me lately. It’s not just that I can’t split my tasks up so that I do a little bit of one thing at a time; I’m not finishing anything. These wonderful, long novels are sucking me dry, and I need to make a damn commitment to getting a project done. Any project at this point. Even when I get an episode of Demon Bonded done, I still feel like I’m only chipping away at a mountain, you know? It never feels DONE. I don’t even want to look at the old series at the moment because I just know if I go to add an episode, I’m going to want to change the beginning that was full of my moldy brain. So we’re starting fresh to keep my neurotic tendencies at bay.

I need to adapt to the whole website content creation thing instead of the publishing game. It’s hard for me to break out of the habit of rushing toward a goal when I need to start looking at multiple goals and planning my days around each. Right now, I’m jumping between the Demon Arms rewrite and Blowjob King—an incest filled, brother fuckfest with little to no plot. ^^ Back to basics. I’m hoping the contrast will keep me more motivated, as will finishing a damn project.

  • Oh, arting again too! Check it. The Blowjob King characters. ^^

I decided to try an experiment to see if I could do some character creation in a much shorter time frame. I think it worked out well. I’m rusty as an artist. I don’t art daily anymore; I barely art monthly. I’m hoping to find little ways to get back into it, and hopefully, once I get a smooth system going, start on the Demon Virus visual novel project.

Positive stress

I want the right amount of challenge in my life when it comes to creative work. I get bored. I know that’s probably terrible to say, but it’s real. I need some sort of mental stimulation if I’m going to sit in a chair for hours on end when I could be out enjoying life now that my body is working again. But I have to fight my own brain which likes to turn everything into stress.

It’s tough. I think I just got used to it. Years of anxiety and then of being sick has turned my base state of being into assuming the world is going to end if I can’t reach my goals. But my goals still aren’t immediately reached and the world is still here, and all that changes is I feel fucking miserable. Guilt! The fucking guilt of not getting shit done in a timely manner manages to make me slower. It’s a vicious hate crime on my own brain. I think that’s partly why I get so caught up in one project and can’t break free to do other things; a part of me is still switched on thinking if I don’t put all my time into this one thing, I’m automatically failing myself and others. Even though it doesn’t happen faster. My brain is just mean. =_=

So this is my tentative plan to work on all that. Find ways to add challenges while removing stress, and help push me to learn how to work on multiple projects again instead of throwing myself into one that lags on and on because I’m bored. I remember back to my school days where I could jump from subject to subject depending on the class, and it was fine. My brain is capable of it; I just need to find ways to enact that in my current life once again. I just have to remember how to juggle and get back up to pace… totally.

Not having my own room has been a big obstacle in all this. I have no office, I have no space outside of my shared bedroom, and once someone is watching TV (he knows who he is) my concentration is completely shot. We lost half our already small house to mold and yeah, it’s not great for my productivity.

I feel good—I feel healthy and am ready to take on the world—I just also still feel a little trapped by my circumstances and my crazy brain. But again, I think those are all things I can overcome. I just need to find creative solutions and keep working on letting preconceptions and stupid thoughts go. Fun is a state of mind, and I need to get back into that place. I love everything I do—I wouldn’t be doing it otherwise—but I’m having trouble making it fun again.

No goodies this week :/

I went into my old Facebook haunts to see if anyone had any deals this week. Nothing. @[email protected] I’m going to poke around a bit more, but it might just be a slow week. It is a lovely day… er night. It’s now night outside. >_> (Where the fuck do I go when I type? It was light out moments ago, I swear!) Maybe peeps are all out enjoying their weekend? I may have to go in search of this stuff more in the future. I know I’ve been slacking. I need to up my game and make sure you’re all getting some fun reads hitting you from authors you might not even know exist.

Peace, babes. Hope your weekend is wonderful, and the crappiness of the world doesn’t define your personal reality. We all gotta cope with an insane world, but we don’t have to go crazy with it.

~Sins

March 13

Task Switching @[email protected]

This has to be my biggest hurdle as a creative who wants to make things consistently. I can’t switch from task to task with ease. Sometimes not at all, like obsessive tasks I find myself in (coding, playing video games–which I just don’t do anymore because of this problem–arting.) There is something in my brain that will have me sit in a chair and attack a project, snapping at everyone/thing that interrupts, not eating, barely dragging away to the bathroom, etc, and it will lasts for days to weeks.

I work hard to not find myself in this bad place; I don’t like who I am and it’s not who I want to be. But I’m seeing this problem in more milder places, like I just can’t keep my house in order once I’ve started writing for the day. Writing requires me to get into a certain headspace which is very hard to willing leave once I’m there. I don’t know how to do multiple things a day. It’s a work day or it’s a life day, you know, and that work is usually focused on only one thing.

I know humans aren’t really supposed to be good at multitasking, but I don’t think this is really multitasking. This is monotasking, one after the other, and I just can’t seem to get in the hang of it. This is something I need to learn, like, hardcore. I feel like it would alleviate a lot of my stress if I can figure this out and be able to balance life and creative tasks.

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March 12

Arting

So, I think I might be moving toward the visual novel idea. I was thinking recently about all the reasons why I couldn’t move on it before. For one, I was looking at an Amazon focused strategy which required me to get all these books published first. Now that I’m in a website content strategy, that problem is alleviated completely, and I just need to get used to the idea. Like, it’s hard to keep remembering the freedom I have to create more than just the rewrite of PATB. I have options now that I don’t need to make content that’s only Amazon friendly.

Another big reason was time/money when it comes to graphics creation. To be blunt, although I used to make art a lot when I was younger, I don’t necessarily enjoy it much anymore. Digital art is time consuming, and usually life consuming for me, and the Demon Virus visual novel has a lot of characters that I would have to have model art for. It’s a lot of art–I’m talking about 10 main characters because of the branching plots, and they would each require different expressions, poses and outfits depending on storyline. Aka, hiring that shit out is $$$ I just don’t have.

I don’t know if you’re familiar with this little graphic, but it rules the majority of my creative life. As someone who was ill for so long (and, let’s be frank, broke,) I utilized the resources I had to create a quality product, and that involved taking a lot of time and refining and learning to get to the best level I could be with, well, pretty much everything I strive at. I don’t want to be ‘good’ at something; I always want to be my personal best. Not the best ever, but the best of my ability. So it’s usually time extensive. With a few drawing shortcuts, though, I’ve found some ways to make this process much faster than I feared it might be. I just tried it out with the Blowjob King character art, just to see if I could get a feel for it, and I’m happy with the results.

I’m basically creating my own reference in a 3D software and then using it for the body base of the 2D characters. It still requires creating line art, clothing choices, color, etc, but this takes a lot of pain out of the process. Having character bases that allow me to reference the exact height and body build which I can then pose accordingly takes a huge chunk of time out of the sketch process, and if you’re an artist, you likely know that unless you get the fundamentals correct in you sketch, you’re end product is doomed, like forgetting the foundation to a house.

I wish I could have done this with a more elaborate software that could do clothing, hair styles, etc, but I wasn’t able to find one that posed as well or naturally (or was affordable) as DesignDoll. I tried Daz studios last summer–It was frustrating, to put it kindly, and the characters were very stiff reference with a lack of intuitiveness for changing their body types, etc. Seriously, if I had the cash (I can only imagine this shit is super expensive) I would love to just create a character, pose it, and use it directly in the interactive novel. Like your own damn anime. I feel like this shit must exist at this point, but yeah, also assume it requires knowledge and cash way beyond me. But hey, I can find my shortcuts at least, and it makes a difference.

The last problem was, naturally, learning a new software to create a visual novel, but I think this is pretty much solved too. Last summer, before the mold drove me out of the house and I lost months, I had been playing with a visual novel builder that had been really intuitive. I have to go through my old notes and find the damn name of it again, but I remember it was basically a drag and drop editor set up–it was like an html editor in a lot of ways where I just had to provide the content and it could set up really quickly.

I’m still hesitating. I would really like to have the first PATB books published before I take on this project full steam, but I’m not sure if it’s ‘realistic.’ PATB, at this point, isn’t about new content, but about fixing up the old content so it’s publish ready, and I’m worried that’s going to be perceived as basically standing still. I don’t want to jump into Sorcerer Slayer until the other 2 books are finished–lets not add anything else future wise when I need to ensure the timeline is set in the past, you know?

I’m not pushing myself enough. I’m not talking stress; I’m talking challenges. I’m bored by the rewrites and my productivity is going down because of it. So I think as a creator, I have an obligation to figure out how to get out of this funk and get motivated. I’ve been trying with the rewrites, every day looking for new ways to make it interesting, push me to get to a remotely useful wordcount, but I think I’m just honestly too bored. I need a challenge that I can do side by side with the rewrites, one that’s paced at my choice so it doesn’t become a stressors. That first challenge is just to get back into writing anything other than PATB, which is why I’m writing up Blowjob King, but I think after that I’ll be looking at the visual novel idea as the next project.

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march 8

Perspective is kinda magical

Perspective is one of those things I think about a lot, not just in my writing but in my day to day. Perspective is honestly the key to PTSD, to surviving illness and trauma, and to just doing the same damn thing every single day and managing to love it anyways.

Yesterday I was feeling down, to put it kindly. I was kicking my ass about being stupid when it came to the website. In the moment, it didn’t feel stupid (I thought I was hacked and I was being damn brilliant) but after the fact once I realized the tech behind why it gave a false reading, I felt dumb. Looking back, all I could see was me fighting shadows. And it’s not like it’s the first time. This was everything when it came to having PTSD for over 30 years. You see these patterns that aren’t really there and then you reinforce them with what seems like rational data. I SHOULD be worried because being hacked means this and this and this for me and my users. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t hacked; as long as I believed I was, I acted as if I was. Perspective is amazing.

I once found myself in a used bookstore talking to a young man who, not too far into the conversation, revealed that the television and certain movies were communicating to him directly. He did not think this was out of the ordinary or irrational. No, to suggest that a bunch of actors came together to work on a set for months while a director and crew did everything to produce a movie that was not trying to send him a message was absurd to him. In his mind, of course the television was talking to him; he’s the only one there to hear.

Perspective is the difference of being a schizophrenic or being ‘sane,’ and yeah, sanity gets quotes because it’s fucking subjective. Perspective makes it subjective. The same way it makes a hardship feel bearable or impossible. Getting through mold toxicity and those horrible months of chemical sensitivity could have been the worst days of my life. Instead I chose to look at living out of my car as an adventure instead of as a curse. And hey, that positive attitude helped me see more positive things that eventually led me not only out of that situation, but also helped me regain my health. If I went in thinking that Parkinson’s was a death sentence, I never would have looked and found the awesome supplements that helped me regrow my neurons and dopamine receptors/transmitters enough to get my damn brain back.

I sat down today still feeling pretty damn dumb for chasing around my Cloudflare shadow for two days straight and felt even worse when I realized I didn’t have anything new written. I couldn’t write. Clearly, whatever the hell I was doing with my life was a fail if I could be distracted from work over something that didn’t even exist. I had lost my fun, and I was being an asshole in my head about it. I could have stayed there in that mental place–I have spent years in bad mental places and not tried to change a thing; I know how easy it is–but instead I decided to write about writer’s block and why it sucks and why I started writing in the first place. And I got to this point of realizing not only had I just written @2000 words when I had said I ‘couldn’t write’ but I was also looking forward to writing because I remembered all the reasons I love to write. I fucking love writing!

Perspective is this really cool bit of software in the brain that has so much control over what we do, and rarely do we give it the attention it deserves. Just like when you can trigger the survival instinct when thinking danger is there, or the hunger instinct when you smell food, you can trigger the ‘let’s write something fun’ instinct with the right thought. Perspective is the key to everything, an intentioned (hopefully) message to the psyche to get things in line and bring forth the needed behavior for the task. It’s freaking magic.

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