Category: Random Author Babble

May 16

Catching Up

So I found myself with a numbing of emotions and sensation the last week or so directly after my PATB editing session. I have not been feeling talkative– haven’t been feeling much of anything, to be real about it XD but I thought I should check in as I narrow down potential sources and start to find myself again.

Firstly, I have a lineup of the covers I made for Wendy’s Foundling series to share now that they’re all complete. Expect to find them available sometime this summer. I’ll be linking when it happens. 😉

I’m really proud of how these came out. I can see my brain working when it comes to color and contrast again. These pushed me to be a better artist and I’m happy with the results of that challenge.

As for other things, such as a lack of emotion… I first suspected it was either Parkinson’s or mold related. I haven’t fully gotten free of my current moldy place, and it’s always my first suspect given the hell mold has put me through. But I think the end result might be drug related– supplement related for less of a sting. I have a damaged dopamine system from long term mold exposure, dopamine being the main neurotransmitter that is involved in Parkinson’s. My biggest worry was that I may have gained a level of apathy as a result of that being damaged even though I’ve reversed every other symptom. Apathy is a serious problem with Parkinson’s and it is one of those things where they know it correlates to the dopamine system but doesn’t always fix when dopamine levels are restored.

But just in case that wasn’t the issue, I started looking into the supplements I take daily, many to either repair that damaged dopamine system, support it, protect it, or clean the body of the neurotoxins the mold left in me. It looks like my high doses of NAC (cellular detoxifier) might be the problem after some research and experiments. It’s early, but so far so good. My feelings are returning and I’m starting to add in other supplements to see what happens.

What I find absolutely fascinating about all this is observing my behavior when I lose my emotions. It is so obvious how we are chemical beings who live off of pleasure and avoidance of pain, because when both were taken away from me, nothing was worth doing. I wasn’t burned by hot bath water, nor got any pleasure from completing tasks or interacting with people. It was chemical castration where I had to build habits because on a biological level, I had no incentive to do anything. No little thrill in creativity or touch of anxiety if a bill was looming. We are purely impulse to our environment (after being established biologically through our genetics, chemicals, and beliefs systems that dictate the conceptualization of the world that then affects those chemicals) and without chemical reaction to stimuli, we are lumps. Lumps that aren’t even necessarily motivated in not being lumps. @[email protected]

I have literally been framing positive habits to live by because my internal motivation drive had been suffering for months now. I was once the type of person who would stay up until the wee hours of the morning, loving every moment of the creative process, reluctant to go to bed (mostly slept like the damned) and then would roll out of the blankets and get right back to the love of writing or arting or learning the moment I woke up. It is incomprehensible to suddenly lose that drive. I had to give myself a path to follow because I had no interest in doing anything, when before I loved every challenge, every new discovery just waiting for me to find.

I’m hoping that has now recovered, or will fully once I’m certain I’ve found the correct source of this issue. I miss who I am when I feel. I seriously hope it’s not related to the Parkinson’s given there are few treatments if it is. I suppose time will tell…

So a little note if you’re seeking escape from any kind of suffering. It’s good to remember full escape from suffering to the point you can’t perceive emotions is antithesis to being alive. Stress is positive — essential for motivation and drive and creation — as long as it’s in safe doses. We are reactionary beings of impulse. Even I, an introvert who can stimulate my cerebral cortex into action without needing external help, still needs chemical reactions to happen in my brain, otherwise there is no enjoyment of life.


May 6

Neurotic writing: Clarity vs Flow

Okay, so I just spent the last 2 weeks getting Episode #1 to fit a more mainstream writing style. Short, concise sentences with a lot of adjectives removed. Direct simple sentences. And here we are. I fucking hate it.

I don’t like the flow. It’s gone. The flow is gone. But does it fucking matter if people can’t understand my long, run on sentences?

Am I fucking myself over by 1) deciding flow is more important or 2) deciding clarity of thought is? I spent days on each scene when I first wrote them to ensure that ideas were conveyed clearly with flow, and then spent a few hours for each scene to slice those sentences up to compromise with a style of writing that I don’t even subscribe to. But I’d be a fool to think my brain is anyway the judge of this shit, right?

I like decisions. I like basic answers that I can then go, okay, writing conform to this so I don’t have to overthink shit (like I am now.) I don’t even know if this is coming from a place of ‘artistic integrity’ so much as just plain fucking reality of I don’t like how I write when I write the way main stream books expect writing to be.

What wins?


April 25

Wendy’s Latest Cover!

Did somebody say yellow? (No? Just me, I guess. >_>) OMF, I figured out how to use yellow in an image. It never happens, never. I think the mold toxicity seriously damaged some certain aspect of my brain, and color was in the mix. But no more. ♥♥♥ Something must have healed recently cuz not only do we have some lovely yellow shades in here, but it’s not covered in black either. Fucking winning. (My standards for winning, if you haven’t realized yet, are pretty fucking low. But still–Winning!!! XD)


April 23

Disjointed for a bit

Hey babes, I just wanted to give you all a heads up. The writing flow might be a little sporadic this week. I have a book cover I’m making for the marvelous Wendy this week. She’s re-releasing a trilogy, and I want to make sure she has everything she needs sooner rather than later. And I’m also trying to get the first 50,000 words of PATB ready for the beta readers.

I feel a bit like my mother who (while with cancer) would clean the house before our super nice cleaning guy showed up. *sigh* But at the same time, I want to respect the beta’s time and energy and effort by giving them a format closest to finished. I didn’t go through and clean up my sentence structure like I wanted to the first time around. If I’m not careful, I will have these long, run on sentences that are difficult to read–big no-no in genre writing. It’s important things can be understood with ease. So, although I’ll be scheduling time in for everything, I think we’re all aware of how I fail at time management. >_< Because it’s Tuesday already. =_=

I’m currently deciding if I want to refer to the werewolf situation as a plague or an epidemic (or would it be classified as pandemic because it crossed onto another continent???) I think magical virus verse bacteria or parasite fits it best for the PATB world… unless I find a better term. Because it’s Tuesday and I got stuck trying to make sure I have the best fucking term for a fictional illness. Yeah, welcome to my insanity. Those poor betas.


April 17

PATB Serial???

So, I might be trying something new…

The idea hit me while I was, well, not thinking about writing at all XD and it just stuck, like, being all, this is so obvious. You’re being slow as fuck with your writing, just release it as serial installments! Duh. And then I thought, well, maybe if I have a cover, but covers are going to be a pain in the ass. Like, that’s time spent. And my brain was all, bitch, you got this shit. One evening of Photoshop–Go! And now I have a cover and really, very few excuses. I mean, it’s not a bad idea. Just release it into KU while it’s being written, and if peeps want to read ahead, they can check out the website. I mean, this project has just been so slow with my health being all wonky. I feel like I’ve put nothing out there in ages.

I’m not sure how I want to break the books down. My lazy self is all, covers are a pain so just put half or a quarter of a book in each episode so shit goes faster. But my more pragmatic side sees that as having a lot of time between releases, which is what this is supposed to avoid. :/ I’m going to think on it, see how much time I want to invest in editing right now, etc. But yeah, I think this is a fun idea.

Oh, what do you think of the throwback to the first original Demon Arms cover?! XD check it!


Winning at photomanips lately, yeah? I’m digging the little debris that makes it feel like there’s motion even though absolutely nothing is happening. 😉