So wordpress is being a douche and not responding propely and I’m forced to squint at code to get this shit posted. But… Hey, started the Raider exclusive fic! The premise is going to be pretty clear by the next scene when Chris gets a hold of Raider (in all the right ways XD) and we start our journey of ruining poor Raider–he loves it. *wink*
Oh, still taking suggestions, btw! Have LeoxRaider planned (although I also have a LeoxRaider fic planned that’s totally different too) and now ChrisxRaider. Also thinking of sneaking a little Raider trying to make Fox jealous by going after Vincent (purely jealousy fueled) and have things back fire in this little fic. But yes, this is the kind of story where I can slip anything in there–except MichaelxRaider. Sorry, that one is reserved for a freaking novel. After that book is written, I will slash the fuck out of them but until then, nope. Tension needs to stay. XD
Okay, is it super bad that I don’t want to write properly at all? Like, I’ve been staring at the draft of Hellcat just like, I don’t want to edit. @[email protected] My brain does not want to focus. It’s happy to do these drafts and larks but finished, polished writing it’s all, fuck no. I’m hoping I’ll be able to find a compromise with it eventually. It’s hard to publish a book when you can’t finish the final draft. :/ For now, please enjoy the loose, smut filled writing I’m indulging for the time being because it’s far more fun than the proper writing.
Alright, the Hellcat draft version is done. Now to clean it all up until I’m willing to let it go. When is a story done? When you can walk the fuck away. Lol, I guess I’ll see how long that takes. XD Soot is particularly cute in this scene–and for the life of me, I have forgotten what these characters look like. I should do character sheets, but meh.
I saw a request for Leo/Raider down in the comments (sorry, I’m being antisocial at the moment but I’ll be in a commenting mood soon again.) Any other suggestions? Lol, I can write just about–literally, actually–anything you want concerning Raider for the next exclusive fic. No idea is wrong (or too dirty.) If you can’t think of anything, don’t worry, I can. ^.^
Also, my attempts at fortune telling have failed so I took down the weekly plans thing I was doing. It just felt dumb to keep changing it every day. I think the recent updates do the trick; at least they’re based in what happened and not guesses.
Nearly done. The last scene of Hellcat is pretty much written and should be up once I get some sleep already. Then just to run through and do the final drafts. Huzzah. <3
Free for all with Raider. I need a new exclusive fic, and really, Raider just needs to be fucked. But who should it be? I want to do a ‘Raider’s sex scent gets out of control’ theme. Who should get caught up in it? ^__^ It could practically be anyone… Lol, or everyone. XD
Feeling like my happy, easy going self again. Missed this.
Should be ready in a few hours. I’ve been dealing with bullshit, including insomnia, but mostly just me. I’m fucking myself over again.
Let me talk to you about deciding things should be hard instead of fun. I thought I was free of this problem when I was on my perceived death bed, and at that time I was. I wrote over 30 books and over 300,000 words during that 1-2 year span of illness. It was the hardest time of my life to be able to physically move my arms to type, or to get my brain to form coherent thoughts that could be formed into sentences read by others. I remember this caustic review I got on Dare during that time; a person upset over the formatting of the book. It was before I understood how to build a mobi file (couldn’t afford software to make one) and the preview of the ebook on Amazon would not have indents for the paragraphs because of the epub format but to the best of my knowledge, it was only the preview of the book that looked bad, and the final file was readable. I asked the reviewer if this was the formatting issue they were referring to-I didn’t want people paying for a broken book–and mentioned that I didn’t take what I did too seriously. I enjoyed my casual style of writing. The response was so angry, I was honestly confused. I was supposed to take writing seriously. I was supposed to reach this reviewer’s expectations or I was a fraud and shouldn’t write at all. How dare I not be serious?
I left that confusing experience wiser to the fact that angry people don’t want to know you’re happy; it only makes them angrier that you disagree with their anger. XD But now, here I am healthy, and there is this mean, critical voice inside which I once thought was about erasing the illness from my writing, who is really just saying ‘Writing Should Be Hard.’ Well you know what, inner voice? You’re full of shit. You have always been full of shit. You’re just afraid of fucking up and ending up in poverty (where it’s fine to be; you haven’t actually left it since you ended up here, after all) and you’re making stupid rules because of it to say unless you jump through these hoops, you can’t have what you want. I want to write–that’s all I fucking want. So who the fuck are you, or anyone else out in this big beautiful world to tell me that I need to first freak the fuck out, hate myself, judge everything that comes out of my mind and on the page, and correct it a zillion times all before I can finally say it’s done? Fuck you, self, you’re an idiot and it’s time to have some fucking fun again. I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m dying to allow myself to have fun. Dumb, girl. Fucking dumb.
Other news, I’ve decided to make a ‘clean’ YA version of Demon Arms and the other Paranormal Academy books to come. I’ve though about it briefly before, but the Glamorous Dorian project has really kind of solidified the idea. There isn’t enough LGBTQ fiction for YA out there and I know growing up, I wasn’t interested in reading books about bi kids like me–that didn’t even mean anything to me. What I was interested in was reading books where a character did awesome shit in the face of adversity and had cool plots and magic, and I always wanted that character to be open like I was with sexuality. I wanted a gay or bi hero, not a story about how hard it is to be a teenager; I already knew. So, I’m hoping with some fancy editing/censoring I can create that and put it under a fresh pen name so as not to obliterate the sensibilities of the easily offended (they are out there.)
Oh, and on the flip side, I will definitely be writing an explicit, sex happy version of the Glamorous Dorian Black Paranormal Files for my sex positive readers. I won’t be able to have it on Patreon, but I’ll have it on the Read as Sadie writes portion of the website and will publish it as its own novel once it’s done. This is my first jump into ‘clean’ fiction and the reality is, I see it as trying to translate my normal perspective to people who can’t understand my language. That means I need to start with what I want to say as authentically as possible in my voice (sexy as ever *wink*) and then translate it in a censored way those other readers can understand. Two version, one message.
I’ve cleared a wall for all the novel/serial and short story projects I plan to tackle this year. The closet is dedicated currently to Sorcerer Slayer, but once that’s all wrapped up, the third book in the series will be going there–thinking something blood dragonish as a title for Theo since he’s the feature. I will be planning outlines for each of these fics as the months go on, from the Dragon Shield series (Blackthorne, Starbrooke, and Warweaver) to finishing up City Howls, Teddy and Bronicorn, to finally writing Feral (Heat’s third book,) and of course, getting Awakening plotted and set to a least finish the first book which is already at close to 50%. It might seem like a lot of work, but it’s not–that’s a lie I just fucking love to tell myself lately.
Writing is not hard. Telling a story is the most natural thing human beings do. We tell stories about our lives–dumb ones like writing is hard, or you can only succeed if you struggle for twenty years, or a guy will never look at you twice unless you weigh 120lbs and are super funny, or you can’t leave your current job because you’ll never find better. You think my neurotic characters are crazy? Every person tells a crazy story about why they can’t do simple shit. We tell stories about our past like it matters, like the pain from before still hurts us. We tell stories about how things and concepts mean things and are valuable and how we need to want them or run from them. Humans are walking stories and there is nothing difficult about jotting those stories down and sharing them with others.
Writing is easy and fun–that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. <3
Woke up lost today… yesterday, actually. In the dark again after 5pm. My sleep cycle has been all over the place. I like to know where I am. I think that’s normal. We like to know where we are so we know where we’re going and where we came from and who we are. Rarely is now just about now. We’re always judging later by now. The thing is, I feel like I’ve been living between moments for a while now, months even. This change is slowly cascading through me centered in perceptions of self and world and I am trying to come to terms with not knowing where I am. Not knowing how I feel. Not knowing where I want to be.
Saw my therapist yesterday and she said something along the lines of maybe it’s time to be okay with just being here and accepting being here doesn’t mean I have to stay forever. As I unravel the false logics of PTSD, I have also been refusing to rewrite the rules because of the fear of creating a new mental prison. It’s uncomfortable to see the world unfiltered, unanchored in deciding what everything means. It is so easy to define people by their actions, or by their jobs, or by their appearance. Easy and safe because then you know. You know everything by saying ‘I’m a girl, an author, afraid of heights, or only assholes treat people like that, and you can’t change the past, and life is pain.’ The world makes sense instead of this ever flowing, shifting fluid thing where I am. I miss things making sense but I’m interested in this new place too.
I keep wanting to be somewhere else, keep waiting to reach it so I feel grounded. It’s been months and maybe it is just time to be okay that I’m here and know it won’t be forever. I don’t know where I am and I don’t know how I fit and I have to be okay with it.
Ok, got through a messed up day of sleep/no sleep/allergies all over the place, and then I had an idea for where I want to go once Sorcerer Slayer is done and I’m writing book #3! The Glamorous Dorian Black Mystery Series. It’s a side story I’ve been kicking around where Dorian starts a job as a magical stylist and naturally chaos ensues and bodies pile up. I wanted to stay in the Paranormal Academy for Troubled Boys world but without the romance and heavy emotion focus of the main series. This way I can make Vincent a bitchy model, or have Dante following Dorian around, Wylie trying to be supportive while dealing with Dorian losing his mind. Dorian will be trying really hard to fail so people will stop asking him to do the thing they’re paying him to do. Not to mention, all his clients keep dying or being attacked. It’ll be cute as fuck, pretty sure. <3
I was thinking of making character art cards for all the guys from the Paranormal Academy For Troubled Boys and release one with each episode of Dorian’s Glamorous series. I have a lot of outlining to work out but I’m saving it all for the end of the first draft of Sorcerer Slayer. Squee, I’m so excited!
So going wide is off to a rocky start. I’m losing any reviews on the majority of platforms and I need to distribute to each personally instead of through Pronoun. Aka, more work. There is always a risk of trying something new. I just kind of hoped I’d have seen my first royalty check before the distributor I just started with decided to close its doors. I’m looking at some work to straighten things out. Thank goodness it’s only the Demon Bonded serial–I was upset I wasn’t getting things done fast. Not anymore. XD
A reminder to anyone building a web presence; this is why your own website and linking back to it is essential. Do not depend on a platform for your popularity. Do not depend on mailing lists through those platforms or publishers. You can be erased in a moment from another system while as long as you pay for your domain and hosting, your fans will always be able to find you. Always have a home base on the Internet independent from other platforms and link the hell out of it. There is never too much self promotion.
I know, I promised Intangible then couldn’t pull away from Hellcat. I want to get this done already. I want to get Hellcat done so I can get back to Sorcerer Slayer and get that story told.
I’m not sure why I seem to be getting slower and slower lately. I’m in an odd mental place where nothing means anything and I’m pretty sure the only point to life is preparation for death. I’m hoping it’s a temporary side effect of the mental rewiring I need to go through to unravel PTSD from my thought patterns.
The book, The Van Gogh Blues comes to mind. The only meaning life and art has it what we give it. It requires a choice in moments of depression to decide there is a value to what we do. I’ve been spending a lot of time removing value to disengage from detrimental systems because of PTSD and I think I might have unanchored. I’m not sure a person can exist in this world without some sort of value system. There is little motivation when nothing means anything. I’m not sure a person would speak at all if they weren’t using their words to define what it is they observe or conceive or identify as. Thoughts are nothing, pain is meaningless, and without senses the world is gray and bland.
A few weeks back I thought my body was an avatar and we many souls play this life game to be entertained. Except for some reason we get so caught up in the details of the game that it just feels so very important and it leads to misery cuz we keep failing. I liked that; coming home to the realization that life is for fun once you let go of all those stupid rules and values for everything society creates. I want to get that feeling back and not this boring, nothing is nothing feeling. I know we all die; it doesn’t mean you have to be dead while you’re alive.
Half asleep here, so apologies in advance if I lack coherency. I forgot I’m going to a concert tomorrow… er, later today. Excited, but I’m doing what I can to make sure it doesn’t throw me off my schedule the way Halloween did. Dresden Dolls!
Uh… I have an interesting plan, or understanding of the shit storm about to come. Okay, so I wrote the first, um, about 120,000 words of Sorcerer Slayer in draft form then started posting scene by scene to this site so many months ago. It worked out well. I really liked the flow of cleaning up the draft and posting, but also having the draft to work off of instead of what I did with the next 40,000 words of draft then clean. Sorcerer Slayer is already up to 160,000 words (whoot!) and don’t think for a moment I don’t have the next book vaguely outlined and swirling in my head. It’s all about Theo rescuing a newbie, we get into the instructors’ perspectives, as well as follow Dorian to his parents’ for his first visit home in forever. I really can’t wait. Anyways…
I think you’re going to be seeing more drafts from me in the future, one because it allows me to actually write the way I write, but two, there is going to come a time–pretty sure at the end of November–where Sorcerer Slayer is done, and I’m going to have to go through and do the final edit of about 200,000 words.
When I started this site, my main focus was content. Writing how I write–but, you know, perfectly because I’m still terribly insecure and it is so difficult to see my fuck ups and know others are reading them. I’m working on getting over myself and drafts are helping a lot. The thing is a part of the writing process is the boring, time consuming stuff that’s just me revising and perfecting to get a book published. I don’t have professional editors or anything like that. I will be forcing myself to work with betas; this is a lot of work and it’s stupid to think I can do it on my own. I still fight my shy, self critical voice who doesn’t want to bother people with having to look at my book to help me edit (no matter how many times people insist they want to do it.) Working on it. Forever a work in progress. Even with help, it will consume me to get Sorcerer Slayer finalized and out.
If I go by the time frame it took to edit the Demon Bonded serial so far (and to be clear, Sorcerer Slayer is not in the kind of shape Demon Bonded was and I was doing it on my own,) I’m still looking at an extensive, time consuming edit to polish everything up before I can get Sorcerer Slayer out. I know myself; my neurotic brain will catch onto a project and see it through to the bitter end without sleep or rest or eating–I have an addictive personality to the things I love. I don’t want to kill myself here and I think draft writing in between is going to be my saving grace. If anything, it might be the next book in the Paranormal Academy series being drafted while I’m editing. Or Shifter Safe Haven. We’ll see where the muses lead.
This is a lot of juggling. Writing really isn’t the main part of my job, as crazy as it may sound. Marketing, promoting, and learning about those topics in an ever fluctuating market so words turn into cash-flow are, and I’ve been letting that side slip because, well, life happened big time. My path of least resistance is introversion and writing. It’s where I’m most comfortable. This last year, but especially these past few months as the allergy shots have taken effect and I have seriously found my baseline to be grounding, human, alive, vibrant–life is fucking amazing, peeps, and it has been eye opening to end up here with the world stretched out calm around me with so much possibility. I have spent so much time not wanting to be in my life because of the pain of illness and of PTSD, I think it’s just taken me more time than anticipated to finally look around and breathe it all in. I’m living life where PTSD doesn’t rule me anymore, where my thought patterns are finally breaking free of that, and it’s a lot to take in.
I used to rush a lot, racing the mental clock in my head just in case it was ticking down to a final stop. I don’t want my creative endeavors to be a burden or a stress. I can remember editing Demon Arms that final time and seriously put myself in so much stress to get it done. My brain wasn’t even at the level it is now–allergy shots have been a game changer–but I was obsessed to ‘fix’ it, to make it whole like it was supposed to be. It hurt me–my neurotic nature hurts me. I’m not doing it anymore. Not sure how, not sure what form it will take to get that goal, but I want a change and I’m going to let it in.
Drafts. I think they’re a big freaking step in me not destroying myself. I think they’re going to give me my writing flow back, and I think they’re going to make it faster to get these new stories out and enjoyed. Writing, like life, comes with no instruction manual. The best you can do is muddle through and after the fact pretend it was all part of the plan.
Sorry, peeps, got hit with mold yesterday and lost a day and a half. Halloween was awesome– the kids ended up with chocolate after all. As did I! XD Reese’s Peanut Butter cups are my absolute fav. <3 I did so much cleaning. @[email protected] But hey, I made a pumpkin.
This weekend became consumed with cleaning and winter prep. And Stranger Things (let’s not bullshit; I’m loving it! XD) But mostly cleaning like a mofo. Since my allergies have cut back and I got my nifty mask, I can actually go into the garage and get at my wall of things again. Ah, materialism of the crafty kind. I might be able to airbrush again. *__* All my equipment has been locked in the moldy garage for literally a year now. Airbrushing was one of those things I always wanted to do and only got into once I was super sick and thought I was dying. So, not a lot was actually done. But that’s later stuff. I want to get the house ready for the trick or treaters, and I’m pretty much on my own with this shit no matter how many well meaning, flimsy excuses I get from the roommates.
That said, I have most of the next Intangible scene done and I’m going to have something Hellcat related after I get my allergy shot later today–cuz it’s 6:30 am and I’m not asleep yet.
Randomness but here’s a photo of the last thing I airbrushed. I had this thing about hearts in roots, something that I found myself making a lot of around the time I realized there was something severely wrong with my pulse. I’m not sure what the allergies were doing to my heart, but it would race, beat irregularly, sometimes feel like it just stopped, and pretty much leave me obsessing over if it would suddenly stop and not start again. Art is an amazing way to emote the shit you really can’t handle.
This was the only thing I ever tried to airbrush on metal and there are all these little spots where the paint chipped off even though I put a zillion layers of gloss finish on there to protect it. O_o Paper responds so much better but I’d love to try something huge. I don’t know if you can airbrush canvas but I think that would be the best bet. Either that or a huge piece of bristol or something. The metal just bounces back the paint and air instead of absorbing into the surface like paper. Maybe I could mount paper on wood…