Updates At A Glance

October 15

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Musings On Minimalistic Living
The mini vaca with my boyfriend is over and I’m jumping into getting the house ready for winter now that the mold is dormant with the cold temperatures. When we first moved into this rental home, we moved everything—and I do mean everything, including the trash. I was so sick, and I am the steel will of the household, so because I didn’t have the energy to sort and organize and throw shit away, it all moved with us with the mentality of we’d sort things after the fact. Well, it’s moving into the third year of living here and since mold has taken over my bedroom and possibly the living room, I figure it’s time to free up some space. I want this stuff sorted out before we have to move again, or even if we do find a solution and can stay, I just want the clutter gone.

I was looking at this project as a decluttering (which it is, let’s be honest.) But when I started questioning the aesthetics—I hate bare walls, bare space—I decided to do some research into why other people minimalize. I know a big part of why I’m doing this is mold: I need to clean every surface, every object constantly to keep mold at bay, which means less is the key to my survival. But at the same time, I’ve been realizing a lot of the things I’ve been holding onto isn’t because I value them, but because I’m afraid to be without them.

This is the survivor hoarding mentality left over from my PTSD brain and I think it saw a mild resurgence when the mold took over my room and I found myself living out of the car. In one breath, I realized all I needed was so little to survive, but in the next breath was this fear to lose anything was to never get it back. I didn’t need it but I might never get it back! @[email protected] How funny the mind when we’re in crisis.

So, after a little research, these are some interesting reasons other people declutter. A big one is to remove decision fatigue from their homes! Like, no choosing a million outfits or meals to eat or notebooks to write in or bags to use. There’s a few options or only one, and it’s enough. I have to say, I love this idea cuz I was always the weird kid who wanted to wear the same clothes every day… and I’m the weird adult who wears the same 5 or so outfits a month. I don’t think of it as decision fatigue so much as knowing what I like and being comfortable in it though. It takes a certain number of holes for me to throw an old outfit out, which this week I’m working on to just get anything damaged or doesn’t fit or isn’t comfortable thrown out or donated.

Another reason people minimalize that really struck a cord with me is mindfulness. Being surrounded by things you value, and removing the things you don’t. Not only in your house, but in your entire life. That’s something I want. I want to be present in my life enough to appreciate what I have, and be grateful to have the space between those little joys and values instead of cluttering it up with stuff I don’t value. I’ve been doing this a lot mentally. it’s just been difficult to actually remove those unvalued things from my space. Again, it’s that survivalist mentality of ‘omg, what if I need 10 mason jars with no matching lids some time in the future? This has a purpose, a reasonable, useful purpose, and I must hoard!

Lol, right now everything feels like decision fatigue of what to keep. I threw out a giant pile of old coats last night along with empty bags/backpacks and a pile of scarves that we were holding onto just in case. Just in case we need a musty, worn out jacket instead of the ones we have that actually fit. Just in case we want a bag that has so many holes, it probably wouldn’t be useful anyways. We buy everything second hand already, and then wear it out to the point of destruction, and yet, it’s so hard to let go. It amazes me the perspective PTSD creates that makes you cling to useless shit because of this fear of never being able to get it back. It’s a clinging to an idea of security (security being a total illusion) instead of seeing reality as it is.

If I could literally throw away my mailbox and never get another piece of useless mail again, you would not even understand the joy I would feel. I am so done with mail. It’s wasteful and it clutters every fucking surface of my house. We got a shredder for the mail like a year ago, but we get so much mail and refuse to sort it that it piles up and shredding becomes this giant ordeal that no one wants to do. I need to find a mail solution for peace of mind.

The hardest thing to minimalize has been my art books. Well, actually, it’s been very easy because they’ve all been infested with mold and I can’t go near them. :/ But on an emotional level, it’s been difficult. I value art. I think I value other artists’ art beyond just the beauty they create, but also the creative spirit it inspires within me. Art has saved my life in so many ways, and it has brought value to the life I live. I want to be surrounded by art all the time, but the mold situation has made it near impossible (unless I want to start painting on metal… which I’ve made a few pieces, actually…)

I think I’ve come up with a solution for the books, at least. I don’t want to give the books away or sell them for fear this mold will hurt other households, but what I can do is scan/photograph the books and have the digital files display on one of those photo frame monitors. That way not only are the images preserved but they’re actually being viewed instead of being hidden away in the books.

As much as I loved those art books, I didn’t open them much. I didn’t find the time. There was comfort to have them there, to know creative worlds were there the moment I needed them, but was I really valuing them when I wasn’t looking at them? These have been cool questions I’m asking about a lot of these ‘things’ around me as I take on this project. What do I really value as a person, and how do I reflect that in the items I choose to have around me and in how I live my life? Figuring out these answers is really eye opening, and makes me feel more at peace with less doubts or indecision or fear. When I understand I’m clinging to things not because I’m valuing them but because I’m afraid to be without, it’s far easier to face that fear and let it go so I can appreciate what I do value.

In the end, they’re just things. The people in my life, the cats currently cuddle up with me as I type cuz it’s rainy out, and the creation of joy and happy memories are what I want my home to be about. I think it’ll be easier to focus on that when there are less things cluttering it all up.

(…But seriously, can I throw the mailbox out? O_o)

October 11

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Writing Musings
I feel like I’m really grasping the concept of show, don’t tell writing. It’s flowing so much easier and I can look at my writing and see what is more a draft and what I really want to convey. Pretty fucking sweet all around. <3

I wrote an in depth post about some things that have been popping up this last month because of the Kavanaugh hearings. I’m hoping it will help open minds more than anything else. This has been a troubling month, and this has been a long, long battle overall for women to be allowed to have the right to say no, the right to not consent to sexual advances, the right to be believed that their consent matters. We are still fighting this, and those who cry for proof when ignoring that proof of consent can only be found in the person saying ‘I did not consent!’ are complicit in these sex crimes against women and men and children.

You cannot decide the consent of someone else–that is the whole problem with rape. When you ignore the words of someone who says they didn’t consent, you are in the same sense committing the crime of ignoring their rights to consent, their rights to their body, their rights to their safety. No one consents to rape, that’s why it’s called rape. By ignoring that lack of consent as a public, we are raping every victim once again by saying they don’t get to decide the fate of their bodies.

No one gets to decide consent for someone else, because that alone is their right to have. When you decide for someone else, you are stealing their power away and oppressing them. Women are not weak victims and we have a right to own our bodies. Stop taking our rights away.

October 6

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I apparently did not find all the images I deleted @[email protected]
Because the subscribe buttons were missing. @[email protected] OMF, this week from hell. *slams head on table and remains*

October 5

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Demon Arms musings, scene 14
Finally tamed this beast of a scene. New terminology, world building, but more importantly, it flows. I feel like Theodore just brings the adult understanding of the world with him that Wylie is just so naive to at the moment. I like the juxtaposition. It allows me to flesh out the story and world but still keep Wylie innocent to a lot of things so he can focus on, you know, heartbreak and sexy Dorian. <3

October 4

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vacuum defeats mold!
Or so I’m hoping. So the weather started getting cold but the house was still overrun with mold. I had theorized that with the death/dormancy of the mold from the cold, the spores might still be in the air, but it was a toss up of buy new air filters ($$$) or buy a new vacuum ($$$) because the previous ones were destroyed cleaning up the mold. We settled on the vacuum in the hopes it will do the trick. So far, well, I might be able to sleep in a bedroom. Maybe. The entire house isn’t cleared just yet, haven’t even dared to try my room, but Brian’s room might be safe enough that I can sleep in a bed for a while again.

Ugh, so scene 14 is still slogging along. It feels so stiff and forced. I can’t wait to get my flow back. I was stung by a bee today and ended up with a giant welt on my back, bright red and two inches all around. I guess that means I’m allergic on some sort of level because they want me to carry around an epipen for anaphylactic shock just in case now. I think the whole ordeal wiped me out cuz I’m still dragging. But vacuuming the house–okay, like a room. Half the kitchen cuz it kicked my ass, but it counts, my fuck–has helped my spirits a lot. I might finally be gaining ground on this mold infestation. Very exciting.

I keep thinking I want to move somewhere terribly cold where nothing grows including mold. I would be so depressed, probably, but the thought keeps popping in my head. It might still be better than mold.

October 3

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Musing of the Demon Arms rewrite and this difficult week…
I feel like I’m pulling teeth with scene 14. I can’t find the voice just yet, and I’m trapped in all these details to the specs of the prison transport. I remember having this problem when I got sick and started getting back into the flow of writing again, but every 1000 words gained is pulling me back to the right me.

It’s been a difficult week for me, and I think the whole infection thing has masked a lot of it. The Kavanaugh hearings have been triggering. Not even the blatant lies–but fuck, so blatant–but the pain this stirs up to have so many just asking to be recognized, to be heard–that’s all these women and men who have suffered sexual assault and rape and molestation and harassment want from America is to be heard for what happened to them. And to have still so many coldly ignoring, or worse, denying just feels like this slamming wall. They can’t give them anything.  They can’t melt, they can’t bend. Not because it’s a weakness, but because they’re so weak, they can’t bend without breaking, so they don’t move at all.

If you can’t open your heart for fear of breaking, you are the one already broken. It is not the suffering of others who is hurting you, it is how you are suffocating yourself so greatly that you can’t even allow yourself to feel for fear of losing all sense of identity.

That was one of the biggest, and hardest lessons of going through trauma therapy. Realizing that when I was tough on myself, when I told myself to suck it up and walk it off, that it’s a ‘weakness’ to feel, to care, to let the pain in, I was abusing myself all over again. I was hurting myself with every cruel thought I have ever had when I saw someone who appeared weak and pathetic and painful because I wasn’t seeing them, I was seeing the victim I was when I was a child. And then I blamed that child, myself, because it was easier to believe she had some control than to accept that victims are exactly that, without control. Control is an absolute illusion and we are monsters to ever demand we or others have control over what cannot be controlled.

All we have power over are our own actions, and the more we deny what is happening in our psyches, the more likely we will also lose even that little control. I watched it in my abusive father who beat his children in his need to control them, to control his life, to control the fact his own daughters were molested and he had no ability to stop it. The more he fought with reality, the more he lost his ability to not hurt his children. And then I saw it with myself when the more I fought with the fact that PTSD had disabled me, the more I acted in ways that broke my body and psyche more. And this week, as I fight with my perceptions of the cruelty of the world and these people who would rather speak of evidence and how important it is to get a judge in who will outlaw abortion than listen to the voices calling for help, calling for acknowledgement and understanding, I have lost myself in a whirlwind of painful memories and thoughts and rigid rules that change nothing of reality but tear at me and wear me out.

I’m coming back to myself and I’m glad to meet me again. I hope this week and the next, and the next can be spent with her, that centered, solid version of me instead of the one who keeps fighting reality and ending up bruised at every turn. I’m done fighting at my shadows. I want to write a story that can give something positive to the world instead of continue to beat myself up.

October 2

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Fever and yeah, someone should keep me away from the coding…
Looks like the tooth infection is now a kidney infection. @[email protected] I’ve been chilling in the car to avoid the mold in the house, and just deleting all the old images stored on the website over the last 4 years… Might have deleted stuff I shouldn’t have XD but it should all be replaced now.

Fuck this fever. I realized what I did and I was just too tired. I slept, I returned, and totally remembered that handy search/replace plugin that can go through all the code and do this shit for me! <3 So much easier. When you have over 800 pages of content, little mistakes can tumble into giant work without the right tools.

I’m forcing my nose to the grindstone tomorrow once I’m fully awake. Just, if I make terrible writing mistakes I can go back and fix. Nothing is forever. It works.

This post has 33 Comments

  1. Maike on June 6, 2017 at 6:46 pm Reply

    Hi
    To have a site with updates ist great ?
    But could it be possible to mark which updates are also for free members and which not?

    • Sadie Sins on June 7, 2017 at 6:25 pm Reply

      Ooh, absolutely! That’s a wonderful idea and when I post today, I’ll be clear about it. Thank you, Maike! <3

  2. DeAunna Thomas on June 12, 2017 at 3:38 pm Reply

    Do you have a sequel in mind for the Troubled Boys Series? I really loved the first one and am anxiously anticipating the next.

    • Sadie Sins on June 13, 2017 at 2:36 am Reply

      Hi, DeAunna! Sorcerer Slayer is actually the sequel to Demon Arms, which I’m in the process of writing now. You can read as I go here. https://www.sadiesinsbooks.com/the-library/sorcerer-slayer/ After that I have… oh… at least four more books in the series. I love the Academy world, and characters, and have far too many plans for them all. XD Sorcerer Slayer is focused on Fox and Vincent and introduces Raider, who gets a book later with someone I refuse to name just yet. 😀 I’m really hoping to get Sorcerer Slayer done sooner rather than later. I keep trying to bully myself into finishing it up but it’s stubbornly going at its own pace.

  3. megu on July 13, 2017 at 5:37 am Reply

    Yay! Congrats on making it to scene 50!! \o/

    • Sadie Sins on July 14, 2017 at 3:02 pm Reply

      Thank you! o^.^o I’m so excited to watch this story unfold.

  4. megu on August 5, 2017 at 8:23 pm Reply

    I was dying for these updates, thank you Sadie <3! And hooray for the artist cover, I hope it'll work! *cross fingers*

    • gabs on August 11, 2017 at 9:49 pm Reply

      Me too! I’m really excited about it but I don’t want to get my hopes up. Hopes are so difficult. XD

  5. megu on August 23, 2017 at 5:12 am Reply

    *test the new comment section*
    Your website’s design update looks so nice Sadie! You did an amazing job <3 you deserve tones of sleep now!

    • Sadie Sins on August 23, 2017 at 3:16 pm Reply

      Lol, thank you, hun. *glomp* I won’t go into how I was up another 2 hrs after cuz of the stupid blog widget showing up on non-blog pages and half my book links breaking. @[email protected] But it’s done! For now. >_<

  6. megu on September 3, 2017 at 5:38 pm Reply

    Ugh, I totally understand the stress you’re going through and the “what if I fail” feeling. It’s like, my everyday life. But still, you’re a talented writer and I hope your work will be noticed even without Amazon. *hug* Regarding the prices, it breaks my heart to read that you’d lower to 1.99$. Even 2.99$ is so cheap… T_T Well, the good thing is that you can earn royalties with Pronoun.
    Take care of your health dear, I’m getting really worried!
    (Oh I’ve finished reading DB Demencious saga and I loved it!! Gonna read Apprentice asap<3)

    • Sadie Sins on September 4, 2017 at 2:12 am Reply

      Oh, hun, you’re such an amazing artist. *hug* I don’t understand the world some days. It seems to be less about talent and just waiting to be noticed among a sea of many. It’s tough to be an introvert in this field. I think it’s tough to be your own damn cheerleader when it comes to the insecurities that go hand in hand with the creative field.

      I’m better today. I’m doing the price research still; I just went back onto the other platforms and $2.99 seems like such a staple, I’m not sure if I wouldn’t stand out as ‘low quality’ with a lower price tag. There are so many ways to approach this stuff, it’s just finding the right strategy. I feel like the subscription site has the best stability long term so I need to see how that works in this new step.

  7. megu on September 13, 2017 at 11:16 am Reply

    Sadie I’m so so so excited to read more about SS, I miss the guyyyys <3

    • Sadie Sins on September 13, 2017 at 9:29 pm Reply

      Me too! It already feels more vibrant and energetic vs this kind of slow decay of energy that was going to happen if I continued the way I was going. Hoping to have a scene ready tonight of SS, plus one of Intangible.

      Funny how you can have these wonderful plans, clutch to them like they’re important, and then throw them out the window for the better. Not even the outline, but I’ve been fighting this bitch of an idea that because I can write a certain amount of words in a certain amount of time, that those words are going to be a novel, and it will be perfect first time around, and it should just be accepted as such. But unless the characters step up and do their thing, that shit never happens. Expectations are such a battle in creativity yet so hard to let go. I guess it really does take as long as it takes. *blah* XD

      • megu on September 14, 2017 at 5:27 am Reply

        Haha I completely understand. Sometimes you’re so proud of planning your story, thinking it’ll be like that, and like this. And then everything changes! But I believe it’s for better, yes. Plus it’s your characters, they tend to be the ones that decide. 8’D
        Anyway, I’m so hyped for SS. o/

  8. Shawna White on October 9, 2017 at 1:53 pm Reply

    Hey, Do you know when the next demon volume 2 will be out? I got one and I’m excited to read the rest.

    • Sadie Sins on October 9, 2017 at 2:48 pm Reply

      Hey, Shauna. So… I’m assuming you mean Demon Arms? Or are we talking Demon Bonded Collection? I’ll answer for both, just in case. <3

      Okay, so the Demon Arms sequel, Sorcerer Slayer, I'm hoping will be ready by December depending on editing, cover artist, etc. It's a lose goal because I don't want to rush it and ruin the book. Demon Bonded Collection #2, which is the Apprentice Saga will be definitely republished by next month. I just need to find the time to make a cover around all the other stuff I'm doing. I'll be working on Coven Saga as I go along; I refuse to let so much time fall between episodes again. Hope that answered your question, and if it didn't, feel free to ask away. Great to hear from you!

  9. megu on October 25, 2017 at 9:25 am Reply

    A++ for the draft idea Sadie!

    • Sadie Sins on October 25, 2017 at 3:41 pm Reply

      Thanks, Megu. <3 I've been ruminating on the draft idea for ages, unsure if anyone would want to read something 'unfinished.' I guess it took a while to remind myself most of the stuff I wrote while sick was not the best, yet people still enjoyed it and I need to put my ego aside and just get the story out. I think this is going to open up me being able to write more and feel far less guilt when I go on Sorcerer Slayer binges and can post Demon Bonded drafts kind of thing.

  10. Dale on November 13, 2017 at 4:37 am Reply

    You can airbrush on canvas. A gessoed canvas is not as absorbent as paper so you would need to be sanded with very fine sandpaper to give a smooth eggshell surface.

    • Sadie Sins on November 14, 2017 at 11:44 pm Reply

      Hey, Dale! Do you airbrush at all? Ugh, I forgot 1) how much I like smooth surfaces and 2) how much I hate gessoing and sanding. What a chore, and a total oxymoron to get the result I love, a smooth surface. I actually have these little acid free comic book boards that I was painting on for a bit cuz they were so smooth. Fabric does seem to be the way to go big. Paper is just wood pulp at a very fine grain… I do wonder if there could be a way to spray a paper finish (mixed with some sort of adhesive) that could give you the absorbency enjoyed as a final surface on larger areas. It might be a fun project idea…

      • Dale on November 15, 2017 at 1:01 am Reply

        I actually blow glass, occasionally paint with acrylics and oils and even stained glass. A good friend of mine with whom I have lost contact with used to airbrush. He airbrushed on several different types of surfaces. I myself have never had the chance to try it. I did spend time while he worked and basically explained the differences and techniques that he accomplished.

  11. megu on November 16, 2017 at 7:48 am Reply

    With Leo. Please Please Please I need a sex scene with Leo!! XD

  12. megu on November 19, 2017 at 4:49 am Reply

    Omg I’m so excited about this sexy Raider fics!! I can’t wait to see Vincent’s reactions about Raider going after him ahah.
    Edited or not, I still have lots of scenes of Hellcat to catch up reading! @[email protected]

    • Sadie Sins on November 19, 2017 at 8:44 pm Reply

      Seriously have the outline for a Raider x Leo fic too. It’s a little… furry. XD Just a little. Plan on writing them both the next couple weeks.

  13. megu on March 19, 2018 at 4:47 am Reply

    Take care Sadie T_T hope you’ll be all good soon! *hug*

    • Sadie Sins on March 19, 2018 at 6:27 am Reply

      *hug* I’m feeling better already, hun. I’m actually doing the final Hellcat edit right now. <3

  14. megu on March 25, 2018 at 5:57 pm Reply

    Can’t wait to read Hellcat! I’ve read the first chapters but stopped when you were doing the drafts and editing, I wanted to read the final result all at once *bless herself for her patience lol*
    And woot for SS!! I’m so so excited to read about Vincent and the others ;___; <3 I miss them so much!

    • Sadie Sins on March 26, 2018 at 8:38 am Reply

      Hey, it’s all done! You can read finally. XD Lol, you know I’m usually not the type to rewrite a book like that. Usually my edits are pretty small. But I think it was worth the extra work.

      Sorcerer Slayer! I’m so excited, I can’t wait to get back to it. I just have to run the final draft of Hellcat through text to speech to catch any mess ups and I’m fixing the cover today, and once everything is formatted (whoo, almost done, almost @[email protected]) I can finally get back to the Academy guys. Super happy! <3

  15. megu on April 19, 2018 at 9:36 am Reply

    I’m so happy to see you so fired up Sadie! Go go go you can do it!! ♥

    • Sadie Sins on April 19, 2018 at 4:32 pm Reply

      I’m so freaking excited! XD Lol, it’s going to be so cool by the time it’s all done. I wish it was done now though! @[email protected] I have no patience when I’m like this.

  16. Margaret Smith on September 26, 2018 at 12:06 pm Reply

    I think I’m a bit slow, well I know I am. I’m trying to get obsession home invasion can any one help

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